


Set me free

by BerryBlack_sama



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Boys Love - Freeform, Cute Lovestory, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Gay Sex, Humor, I suck at tags, It's epic I swear, M/M, Mafia AU, Male Homosexuality, Sadness and Resolve, Violence, alternative universe, just go read the story pls its much better than this I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2018-08-19 13:56:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 29
Words: 85,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8211002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BerryBlack_sama/pseuds/BerryBlack_sama
Summary: ''Love is the most beautiful thing to have, hardest thing to earn and most painful thing to lose.''





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello to you dear, welcome to the sect of our fandom! Wait no... Oh nevermind, so my name is Berry Black and PLEASE READ THIS! IMPORTANT! (don't worry, I don't like to read notes either). I just wanna say that lately I fell in love with OldXian's work, and I totally fell in love with these two, they are so my type of perfect relationship. Anyway, this is my very first fanfic so go easy on me~ Okay not VERY very first, but first that I'm publishing. Why I decided to publish? At first I wasn't, I was too afraid that people won't like my work that much, but after I saw a post on tumbrl with a girl saying that she wished for more fanfics of this couple, I finally got that I'm not the only crazy chick begging for more out there. So for all of you hungry fangirls I hope you enjoy! P.S. I apologize for all grammar mistakes and such, even though I speak English very fluently (it's not my first language) I suck at spelling and I can be very reckless when writing. Okay that's all

How did it turn out like this? I whispered to myself as I griped my fists harder against the cold wall. Except I didn't feel cold. I felt like I was burning. 

“You seem to enjoy this more than I thought you would.” He Tian pulled my waist harder against his hips and I couldn't hold my voice back anymore. 

“Shu….t up!” 

_Dammit!_ How did we turn out like this? To ever think that this guy… that I'm supposed to hate… 

But there's no going back now. I already became like this. And it's his fucking fault. 

⭐⭐⭐

I slumped to my bed feeling depressed. Every muscle in my body hurt. This wasn't the first time school was pain in the ass and ruined my daily mood, but this day was special. He kissed me. 

_He kissed me._

“FUCK! That bastard!!!” I threw my pillow to the corner of my room. 

My life has been a lot different from the moment I met The Bastard. 

His name was He Tian. 

Young, tall, beautiful. Rich motherfucker. Every girl's dream. People basically flew around him. Of course, nobody knew how big of an asshole he actually is. He could act all cool and mighty around his friends, charm all the girls… He thought he could have anything with a simple look. 

Well not me. 

I met him thanks to those two idiots. And after that I ended up in bruises! That was when I knew I should stay away from them all. They are nothing but trouble. 

But for some reason, The Bastard didn't want to leave me alone. It's like wherever I go, be it school or Mars, he pops up to bug me. It was so annoying. 

Then it happened. 

We had a P.E. class, and all the boys and the girls played basketball together. It was so frekin' hot, so I decided to make a break and sit on a bench for a while. The sound of the ball and the crowd of teens were ringing in my ears. 

_‘Noisy…’_

I took my bottle of water and chilled a bit, when I spotted _him_ again. As always, girls were screaming and going ‘kyaaa~’ to every BREATH he did. Damn did he have some idol power to draw attention? 

I remembered the time I followed him and saw those suspicious guys. They didn't seem to get along so well, I suppose…. Unless middle finger is a new love-gesture. I wished I could hear them…. Then again I don't. Maybe that would bring me more trouble. I only know I don't wanna know.

After a while I got used to cooking for him. At first he dragged me to his place, but later I just realized there’s no use running, 'cuz he catches me every time. 

And his place…. Damn. 

I don't know if it was a _place_ , or a small hotel. It was so messy, yet felt so empty. 

I didn't want to admit it, but I enjoyed cooking for him. After all, being a chef was my dream. I love to cook. I don't get to cook a lot at home though, since mum is working all day (sometimes night too) and I don't have a need to cook a whole meal for myself only. 

He Tian was more like a pig. He ate EVERYTHING. I sometimes even tried to cook tons of food on purpose, just to see where are his limits. I never found them. I doubt he has any.  
And not only for food. 

Now that I look at him from the distance, he doesn't look _that_ bad. 

…okay he doesn't look bad at all. Not being gay, just from…another guy's point of view. Maybe I can understand all those flying girls around him. After all, looks are all that matters nowadays. 

His black, silky hair that was moving along with the wind and his body. His pale skin, covered in sweat from running back and forth with the ball. His muscles tensing with every slightest move he made, blue t-shirt showing a bit of his toned stomach every now and then. And his face… he was truly- okay that is going too gay. 

But I must admit, he was a true model. 

I took a sip of water, when he looked at me and started approaching me.

Crap.

“Hey~” 

How the fuck can he be so cheerful? 

“Why are you staring at me?” 

Why indeed really… Wait, was I staring? 

“What's it to you?” I asked the first shit on my mind. 

He started blabbing some stuff but I didn't hear much as I watched him bringing my bottle of water closer to his mouth. 

“Eh! Hey!” I stopped him on time. “Don’t drink my water…” 

“I don't mind.” He said with completely blank expression. 

HOW—He always thinks everything is about him?!

“WHO CARES WHETHER YOU MIND OR NOT?!?!” I harshly pulled, again, _my_ bottle. “Don’t get your saliva on the bottle mouth…it disgusts me to death.”

“You can't be thinking… this is an indirect kiss?” I swear I saw a sparkle in his eye as he said that with a already well-known smirk. 

“Hahaha how can you be so immature? Don't tell me you never kissed someone?” 

Oh he enjoys this doesn't he. Fucking… _I fucking didn't okay!!! Not everyone's a supermodel who can fuck whoever they want!!!_ I wanted to say that and run off, but instead I just took my water and screamed at him to shut up. Biggest mistake. 

“Hey~” he reached his hand towards my chin. Hell will he go away already?! 

“Stop annoying me-“ 

And then it happened. I felt soft, warm lips on my own. I was still in shock, not moving, not even breathing, as I felt another, even softer thing, a tongue slip between my teeth.  
What. The fuck. Was happening. Or better, was this really happening? This was…a dream right? A nightmare…. 

My mind got blurred after that. I don't even remember anything anymore. All I could remember is his tongue in my mouth. And how I ran away crying, flushed and scared like a little girl.

“DAMMIT!” I hit my other pillow again and again until my strength betrayed me and left only depression behind. 

What the hell am I supposed to do now… 

⭐⭐⭐

It all started with a kiss. With a fucking kiss. If only I stayed my ass away from The Bastard, maybe I wouldn't be in this position now. 

Weird to say position thought…

⭐⭐⭐ 

I planned on saying That Bastard everything he deserved. In a mature and determined way. That he do NOT misunderstand me, that (just in case saying) I am not into such disgusting things, and that if he thinks that he can just come and kiss me and make me drop on my knees he's damn wrong. And also that he's a pervert. Last one not so mature, but hella true it is. 

Instead, I ignored him whole day. Like a 5 year old. So much of my mature plan. Also a stupid as hell plan since it didn’t work. Or did it? 

When I think about it I haven't seen him the whole day…. Maybe he decided to stay away? Maybe he's ashamed? No… that certainly not. But I did told him he was a disgusting pervert just yesterday. Maybe he processed it a bit, understood my message to finally fuck off. 

The sun was already getting orange as I put my bag over my left shoulder when the school was finished. 

All my hopes were gone as soon as I saw him again. And as soon as he saw me, he started walking in my direction.

Oh come on! 

I speeded up my steps a bit. 

“Hey Redish!” 

I ignored it and just walked casually speeding just a bit more.

“Why are you ignoring me? Do you not have a crush on me anymore?” I heard him smile, and I ignored it again, also ignoring the fact that he was following me.

“Could it be that you're still mad bout that kiss?” 

Speed up. 

“Oh c'mon it was just a little something to cheer you up. Ya know, give some gas to your flames? You looked like you wanted it.” 

If he says one more word I _swear_...

“Hey c’mon don't run away again~” 

Just go away already! 

“Could you be mad 'cuz I stole your first kiss?” 

I stopped and turned around facing him.

“Exactly WHICH PART OF ‘FUCK OFF' DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!” 

“Off?” 

I felt my cheeks warm up a bit. 

Kinky bastard! 

“Well you better listen 'cuz imma say this only one more time-GET. THE FUCK.AWAY FROM ME. GO!”

And I turned again and started walking. 

But he didn't give up that easily. I heard him walking behind me again.

“Hey would you make me some beef steak again today~? I'm hungry. I didn't have a proper lunch. Also I need to clean some stuff-“

“Fuck just GO AWAY!” 

“I thought you said you'd say it only once.” 

My steps were getting so much faster that they turned into running. 

I sprinted out of school yard and down the street, and when I looked back he was running behind me. 

Shit… 

I gave all my strength to my legs and ran as fast as I could, but The Bastard was still faster than me. 

He cornered me in a dead end between two buildings. 

I fought for my breath.

“Jesus what the fuck are you, an animal or something?!” 

“Something.” He smirked. He didn't even sweat. How the fu- 

“Hey.” He started getting closer.

“Ngh…” I drew myself back until I felt the wall against my back. 

“Would you stop running away from me like a little sissy and let me talk? Or do I need to make you listen to me?” He grabbed my shirt and pulled me up so I had to stand on my toes. 

“….just…make it quick I don't have time..” I lied. I just wanna go home…

“Hm.” He let go of my shirt, smirking again. “Then come and cook something nice for me and we can work something out~” 

He turned away and walked, as he expected me to follow him without second thought. And I wouldn't, if I didn't know that that was not a request and that I would got my balls twisted again if there was a second thought. 

Dammit, just this time…


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy sorry if it took me this long to update :/ the exam season started and school is KILLING me /./ so, first, thank u all so much for ur support! U have encouraged me to write more in the future :) I'll try to update faster from now on. Also I had such problems with Wattpad... I had no idea it was such a shitty site when you want to write and not just to read. So if I don't update on Wattpad as fast as here pls don't blame me! As I said, surprisingly shitty site.

_“Then come and cook something nice for me and we can work something out~”_

_He turned away and walked, as he expected me to follow him without second thought. And I wouldn't, if I didn't know that that was not a request and that I would got my balls twisted again if there was a second thought._

_Dammit, just this time…_

So we ended up at his place. Again. 

I took some spices I needed for the meal, and added some water to make it boil faster. 

What the fuck was I doing here anyway… Was going home too much to ask? I don't even wanna be here… 

“Hey Princess! When's lunch time? I'm really hungry~” 

A vein popped on my forehead. 

“If you call me that one more time imma stab you with this knife. And it's dinner time, noon is far gone.” 

“Well, same shit for me. I didn't eat the whole day. So speed it up would you?” 

That unthankful little shit. After all I'm doing for him he could show some respect! I'm not his servant! 

“Well why didn't you buy something smartass? You have enough money for the whole army to get fed.” 

“Yeah, but I prefer your meals~” 

My cheeks-temperature was rising again and I forced myself to calm down. 

Just please let me go home…

I silently served him the food and sat beside him, watching him eat. Waiting. Hoping that he won't make me do the dishes afterwards. 

It was silent for a nice few moments. 

“Listen, I'm sorry for yesterday. Didn't mean to scare you like that. Didn't know you would react that…” 

“Negativly?” 

“Well, no but…yeah. You could say that as well.” 

“Well, at least I'm glad you alologized. I didn't expect you to do that. But let's just make one thing clear. Whatever you thought I ‘wanted’ … you can place it up your ass 'cuz it's not true. And if you thought that I'd react positively, that I'd fall for you-“

“I never thought that.” 

“THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?!”

He didn't answer. Just stared at me with that blank expression, just like last time. 

Then he turned to the food again. 

“Well? I'm waiting. If you could ruin my life, you can answer why you did it.” 

“Because I wanted to.” 

“Ohh I see so ANYONE WHO WANNA DO SOMETHING SHOULD JUST GO AND DO IT!”

“That's only my logic.” 

I clenched my fists and harshly stood up hitting the table. 

“IN THAT CASE I SHOULD KILL YOU RIGHT NOW!!!” 

“I belive I already told you before to watch your tone when you speak to me.” 

He gave me a warning look and I took it seriously enough to sit down again. 

Though I wasn't near calm. 

“If you think one simple sorry will fix it-“ 

“Then what do you want me to do?” 

What? Well… Something! I don't know! 

I don't know… 

“I…I don't know.” 

The silence was back again. He Tian ate while I was awkwardly staring at the table. 

“This is really good.” He tried to broke it. “You are a really great cook.”

“…thanks.” 

Fortunately, he didn't say a word after that.

⭐⭐⭐ 

After that we spend more and more time together. I was spending almost every day at his place, cleaning and cooking like a fucking house-made (he payed me of course).

Sometimes it was pain in the ass and sometimes it went smoothly and fast. Those days were minor though.  
It all depended on his mood.

And at that time I didn't truly understand what He Tian's bad mood meant. 

⭐⭐⭐

“Hey Redhead! Can I kiss you again?” 

I dropped a wooden spoon I was holding. 

“What?” 

“Can I kiss you again?” 

We were looking at each other for a brief moment, his wide smile and dark eyes looking right at me. 

“Again, what?” 

“So can I?” He stood up, walking in my direction.

“WHAT? NO! GET AWAY YOU PERVERT!” 

“Why? You didn't complain last time~” He reached me very quickly and I moved to the left. Fortunately for me, this kitchen was big enough for this.

“That's because last time you forced me!!! And stop joking around!” 

“Joking? Why Redish you think that bad of me? Were you afraid that I would play you and leave you? I'm not such a irresponsible man” 

“What the hell are you talking abou- FUCK GET AWAY AGHH!!” He grabbed my arm and cornered me, so that the kitchen table behind me blocked me from running away any further. 

Then he shut my irritated scream with his mouth. 

“MMPH!?” 

I tried to push him back but he was too strong. The more I tried to get away the more he tightened his grip on my arm. And it fucking hurt. 

I felt a tongue on my bottom lip, licking and trying to break a barrier through my mouth. 

I didn't allow it. I gripped my teeth as hard as I could and closed my eyes. 

“Tsk…” He Tian clicked his tongue, then bit my lower lip hard enough for it to bleed.

I let out a small whimper and opened my mouth by reflex. 

He immediately got his way, licking deeply across my own tongue, letting himself search inside my mouth.  
My eyes winded and I finally managed to push him away.

“STOP IT!”

I grabbed the table behind me with one hand, gasping for air, while cleaning some saliva from my lips with another. 

“You taste really good.” 

My cheeks were getting the same colour as my hair. 

“Can I get another one?” He smiled and opened his arms as if to hug me. 

“FUCK OFF YOU DISGUSTING HOMO!” I threw a pan that was on the table behind me at him, which he easily avoided. 

“Should I take that as a ‘yes’?” 

“TAKE THAT AS A ‘FUCK OFF GET OUT OF MY LIFE ALREADY’!” 

He didn't answer to that one. He just stared with poker face, as I still gasped for air a little. 

“You are so inexperienced.” 

“Of course I am I've never done this before!” 

He was silent for some time, then he smiled again, but this time it was somehow different than his usual smirk… somehow… pleased? 

“So I really did steal your first kiss?” 

I didn't answer.

“Ha. You're truly so innocent.”

⭐⭐⭐

I couldn't stop thinking about that night. I walked like a ghost down the boulevard, not knowing where I was going. 

The worse thing about it all wasn't that he kissed me, but that it felt…not so bad… It felt rather good. 

His lips were really soft and smooth, and his tongue was so warm…

“GAHHH FUCK!” 

Few people suspiciously looked at me as I drew their attention with screaming in the middle of the night. 

I decided just to leave it behind, and not think about it. Even the next day. I just ate my sandwich and behaved as usual.

Why the fuck have I ever thought that could last….

“Is my Princess having a sexuality-crisis because of last night?” 

I felt an arm around my shoulder when I saw his face. Friends I was with all looked at me, at us with confused expression.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him somewhere behind the school building, where there were no people 'cuz it was still lunch-break.

“Listen now YOU- bastard!”

“Oo, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

“Don't you dare ever embarrass me in front of my friends again! Or imma put you back to hell where you belong.”

“I’m shaking.” He said with the pure sarcasm in his voice.

Imma so kill him…

“What the fuck just do you need to leave me alone?! What do you want from me?!” 

I stared at him, waiting for an answer. At first I thought he wasn't giving me one again but…

“I don't want anything from you.”

“THEN WHAT?!”

This was getting annoying.

“I want you.”  
.  
.  
.

What. 

Did he say? 

_'So he's really…?'_

“Well you can't have me. So piss off already.” 

I turned and walked beside him tryin’ to get away. That was all I wanted at this point.

“Why can't I have you?” 

“What you mean ‘why’? I'm not a piece of clothes so you can buy me or something. And I don't know if two kisses were all it took for your ex girlfriends or _boyfriends_ or whatever… but I'm not falling.” 

I walked past him and got back to the crowd of noisy teens in the front yard.

I didn't even bother to look back. Maybe because I didn't want to see him following me again…

But he wasn't. 

And I didn't see him the whole day later.  
Not just that day, but the other day too. And another two. So four days in count. Almost whole school week.

Ha.

No. Don't get my hopes up… He can still be waiting somewhere behind the bush to jump at me. 

But he didn't. 

Was this time for real?

I really, really thought he finally understood my message, until I saw him again after school. He started following me again. 

“Yo Reddie. Long time no see~ Did you miss me?” 

“Like hell I did, I had the best time of my life hoping that you died.”

“Aww don't be like that~ You really inspired me last time~” 

“Inspired you? To finally don't value people like things?”

“The way you said I can't have you… It was the first time someone rejected me like that. Makes me wanna want you more~” 

_‘First time someone rejected me'?_ Oh I see. 

“I already told you, I'm not into such things. And even if I were, you would certainly not be my type.” 

“Are you trying to call me gay?”

“The hell you aren't!” 

“I'm not.”

“Oh yeah? Well explain kissing and wanting to fuck another guy to your next girlfriend then.” 

“I'm not a homosexual. It's just you. You're special.”

“Oh I bet you charmed all the boys with that one didn't you.” 

Irritated, I started walking faster and took a quick turn to the abandoned street that I wasn't even sure was the right way anymore. 

“And I never said I wanted to fuck you” I heard him speak a little louder while he still tried to keep up with me. 

“Yeah? Then what the fuck is ‘I want you' for?” 

“I didn't mean it like that.” 

I stopped. 

“Then what did you mean? Want to propose to me or something?” 

“It meant exactly what I said. I want you. To be mine.” 

I seriously started suspecting that he's drunk… 

“How…” 

“What you mean ‘how’? Be mine.”

“No, I mean how did you ever think that is even fucking possible.” 

He looked away, like he was thinking, then he shrugged his shoulders and looked at me again.

“A little magic and a little-bigger dick I guess.” 

Fucking twisted bastard…

“Do I need to draw everything to you?! I. Am not. Interested. In guys. Not you, not any guy! And especially you. And I won't ‘become yours' just because you want me to. All I want is for you to leave me alone!!! My life was better before I met you!!!” 

“But not as near as exciting.” He grinned. 

It didn't take me long to start walking away, but this time casually, ignoring everything around me. Including him.

“Hey just so you know, I'm not giving up. The more you reject me the more I want you!” 

He screamed behind me though I didn't react.

“You just wait Reddie, imma make you mine! You hear?! Then I might as well take your offer on fucking you!!” 

I blushed. 

What the fuck how was that an offer?! I barely fought the urge of going back and punching him in the balls, but I knew nothing good would happen if I did that. 

⭐⭐⭐

After that you could say he kept his promise. 

Not only he didn't give up, he stalked me. Literally.

Everywhere I go he would pop from some bush and bored me to death. 

I think sometimes even on purpose. 

It wasn't only innocent school violence or something.

In fact, I believe if I didn't stay in the crowd he wouldn't waist another second to rape me.  
That was until one day I didn't see him anywhere. 

I kept my guard up just in case, but it looked like The Bastard didn't come to school at all. 

_‘Fucking finally.’_

I was packing my stuff in the school bag when I heard some girls talk about him. Can't I have him out of my life at least when he's not here? Please?!

“Awww my special lucky pants are wasted! He didn't come to school!” 

Jesus Christ sometimes I'm thankful I'm a guy. 

“Yeah, I heard he's sick...” 

Serves him right. 

“Poor thing…” 

“Sick?” came third girl “I heard he has family problems…” 

“Maybe he's just skipping?” 

Family problems…?

So even someone as him has problems huh?

Guess he's not as perfect as he pretends to be. 

Well, at least I'll be able to go home in peace now. 

⭐⭐⭐ 

What the fuck am I doing here. 

I stood at the door in front of his apartment, with bags of food and groceries. 

I should just go home….

No! I came here, now I just need to…

Wait what do I need to do? 

My hand stood frozen near the wood, not able to even knock. 

Okay, imma check how he's doing, leave him some groceries and go away. Politely. Quickly. And I bet he's perfectly fine anyway. He's probably just skipping 'cuz he thinks he's cool that way. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” 

The familiar voice startled me and I almost jumped on the wall above.

He Tian stood at the door with grey sweat-pants and no shirt. 

“…..um….” 

Fuck I felt like an idiot. What should I say? ‘Hey I heard you're sick so here'??? 

He sighed. “Come in.” 

It took me a few moments to follow him inside. His voice really sounded kinda cracked and deeper than usual. 

“You sound like you swallowed a frog.”

“I had frog legs for lunch.”

“And you also look like shit.”

“Thanks.”

“You are the main topic at school. Everyone talk ‘bout Great Disappearance of He Tian.” 

He didn't answer. Didn't even react. I saw him take a glass of water from the kitchen. He had dark bags under his eyes, and he was sweating. 

Maybe he really is sick…

“Are you okay?” 

“I’m fabulous.” He forced a smile. 

He was not okay. 

“What is that? You bought me a present? My birthday is still a few months away.” 

“It’s food you narcissistic bastard.” 

“Oh that's a new one-“ 

He stopped talking as I put my palm against his forehead. 

“You’re burning.” 

“I'll take that as a compliment.” 

“Shut up and get in bed.” 

“Who wants to fuck who now?” 

“Would you stop being an annoying pervert and go to bed?! Now!!!” 

I was so glad he didn't brag anymore but actually listened to me. 

“Good. And stay there.” 

I went to kitchen and started unpacking groceries I bought with my money (he's so gonna pay me back). 

While I waited for the water to boil, I was thinking what made me come here in the first place. 

I should be happy that he wasn't at school… and appreciate those few days of freedom.  
I guess I got too used to being a slave. 

That sounded so wrong. 

But why didn't he call someone to help him? Like his mum or dad or…

I don't even see any medication here… 

_‘I heard he has family problems'_

When I think about it, he does live alone. 

Does he even have somebody? 

I shook my head. 

_'Stop thinking about it dammit.'_

“Here.” 

“What is that?” 

“Poison. I changed the receipt. Hope it works this time.”

He suspiciously looked at me. 

Seriously? 

I sighed. “It’s chicken soup, green tea and medicine you airhead.” 

“I thought you wanted me dead.” 

“I do want you dead. Just don't wanna let it happen without me watching.” 

As soon as he took a spoon his hand started shaking and he dropped it on white sheets. 

“Shit…” 

“Leave it, I'll clean that.” 

He was gripping his fists with annoyed expression. 

“Haah…” I got up and took a sponge, then put it in water and got back to rub the sheets until the stain disappeared. 

Then I grabbed some soup with the spoon, then blew it a bit and brought it to his mouth. “Here.”  
He stared blankly at it. 

“Hurry up or imma put it in your nose.” 

He looked at me for a second, then took a sip.  
I continued to feed him like that, surprised by how obedient he was. 

So being sick makes him become a puppy? So childish. 

“Why are you doing this?” He suddenly asked. “I thought-“ I interrupted his talk with the spoon. “I thought you hate me.” 

“I don't hate you. I just dislike your personality.” 

“And what kind of personality is that?” 

“Arrogant. Selfish. Greedy. Pervert. Type that think they can have everything because they have money. Type that has absolutely no moral and no feelings.” 

He started laughing. “I have no feelings?” 

“I don't know if you do. I'm just sayin' that you seem more like a type who thinks with his dick rather than heart.” 

“Such poetry. That was a lovely description of myself.” 

“True one. Take these too.” I gave him medicine and tea. “You need liquid.” 

I watched him swallow (barely). Damn his throat must really hurt… 

“Now lie there and rest. Imma check your fever in half an hour. At least it's when the medicine should take effect…” 

“You're so caring Redish, I need to get sick more often~” 

“Yeah well don't do that ‘cuz I'm _not_ doing this shit again.” 

Maybe if his uncle is coming back soon I don't need to be here. 

Now when I think about it, even though he says this is his uncle's apartment, I never saw his uncle here once. 

Seriously where is his family? Are they separated or something ? Wait I can just ask…

“Oh right I wanted to ask you-“ but when I turned to him, he was already asleep. 

“…nevermind…” 

Great. What do I do now? Leave? Stay? Fuck. 

Although it was still early, I took a thermometer and checked his fever. 

40.1° 

FUCK! THE HELL?!? HOW IS HE—

“Ngh…” He started sweating again and shuffled in the sheets a bit. 

“YOU IDIOT!” I rushed to bathroom and sunk a small towel in cold water, which I put on his forehead.  
He was trembling. 

Did he fucking took some medicine before I gave him those?! How can he take this torture?! And why should he for fuck sake this is 21. Century for reason! I knew he was a jerk, but such idiotic -- brainless—

There's no way I could leave now. He could seriously die! 

I don't know how many kilometers I’ve walked from bathroom to his bed, constantly changing towels, sheets (‘cuz he was sweating like a waterfall), how many glasses of water I brought, how many blankets I took and put away… he was cold then hot, cold then hot… hot then cold… I tried my best but I was seriously worried. 

At last he finally calmed down.  
Such a relief. I thought I was gonna die with him too if he didn't. 

…Now what do I do? 

I started wandering around the house. Searching for anything interesting. There was a lot of space. 

Most of the stuff were still in boxes. I started going through each box.

Was this really okay? 

Fuck yeah it was. He was the one who kissed me twice without even asking. I have the right to get to know him some more. 

What surprised me most was when I found books. And not just books. Dozens of books. So he reads? Hmpf. 

Most of them were on some foreign languages… English and Italian were the only I could recognize… if I recognized them right… 

I also found Korean, Taiwan, Hindu and oh! Finally! Chinese. Something I understand! Damn does he really speak all those languages? No way. This is just a show off…right?

From books in Chinese most were history, action and sci-fi. I also found a lot of psychology and sociology literature.

What the fuck, he's really into that stuff? I would never guess! Not even now! I don't know about his grades but…. Maybe I should reconsider my ‘think-with-dick-theory'.  
After browsing every book quickly, I furled them back in boxes. 

All of his clothes was far from wardrobe, lying all over floor and cartoon boxes, carelessly left there like rubbish. 

_‘Seriously… can't he at least fold them?’_

I (don't know why) started arranging his clothes (which looked hella expensive to be thrown so carelessly by the way). 

I intended to grab some food, but other then groceries I already used before, the fridge was empty. 

What the fuck? He's so weird. I slammed the fridge door.

Living here alone, holding everything packed like a new-comer in his own house, like he is ready to leave if someone said ‘you need to move' right now… Not having medicine, or anything but alcohol in the fridge… 

But the strangest thing of it all, I didn't find any pictures. Any posters, any personal stuff… it's like if he vanished, there would be no evidence. Even I have some old pictures with mum and…dad…

“What the fuck am I thinking… Tsk.”

I walked back to his bed, where he still lied peacefully. He was covered in sweat, and although he calmed down a lot from before, he was still breathing heavily and in short cuts.  
I placed my palm on his forehead, then checked his fever with thermometer again.

39.9° 

So the medicine is working. But it's still hella high… Not good. 

“Haaaah….” I sighed deeply then slumped my head against soft mattress, right next to He Tian. 

He looks so peaceful like this. And so beautiful… 

Wait what. 

NO. 

That was just… oh I don't even care anymore. I'm so tired. 

And looking at He Tian lying on the mattress so peacefully made me even more sleepy. His body was so warm… emitting it's temperature like a heater… 

So comfy…. 

“Maybe he's not such a bad person…” I mumbled and fell into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it for now! Did you like it? If you did, please leave a kudos and comment! Again, tnx for reading and support! Don't forget to follow me on Wattpad ; Azako-chan, https://www.wattpad.com/myworks
> 
> DISCLAMER: I do not own 19 days!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha I told you I'm gonna update sooner didn't I! Lol like 3 days? Record of the history go me... I'm such a lazy ass.

“Oi! Carrot Head!!! Wake up!” 

“Hngh…Whattt…” My sight was still blurry and I rubbed my eyes in order to clean it. 

And when I did fist thing I saw was The Bastard.

“WAAAGH!!!” I fell backwards and hit the floor. 

“Mornin' Princess~ I already thought ‘bout kissing you to wake a Sleeping Beauty but I figured she wouldn't like it” 

“Agh…ouch..” I rubbed the back of my head and got on my elbows “Well you guessed right, she'd probably chop off your balls if you did.” 

He smirked. I only now noticed that he was sitting in the bed. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Great~ Thanks to you.” 

I felt my cheeks get warmer for a sec.

“W-Well, I just figured if you die they'd blame me so…” 

He gave a small smile. He looked a lot better. His eye-bags were also gone. Still…

“Hey-“ 

I slammed my palm against his forehead again. 

“…ahh thanks God you're cold again. Looks like your fever is gone.”

“I told you that 5 seconds ago.” 

“You also told me that you were just fine when your fever was 40.1° so I'd rather check myself.” 

“Oh was it that high? I didn't realize.”

How can you not realize that?! Last time I had fever was two years ago and it was like 37.8° and I felt like shit!

“Didn't realize? You could’ve end up in hospital you dumbass!!” 

“Guess I'm lucky.” He smiled again.

“Would you stop smiling like that?! I got seriously worried!!!” 

The look in his eyes were strange, as if a child saw snow for the first time.

“You did?” 

“Yes!!! Why didn't you call me?! Did you seriously think that you could get better like that?! Without any medicine?!” 

His confused expression made me realize I overdid it. I just yelled at the poor guy for being sick. God it's not like it's his fault… Of course it wasn't, nobody chooses to get sick. And on top of all, I was still holding my palm on his forehead.

“I…I’m sorry….” I dragged my hand back. “I-I just…. Your fever was so high and wasn't getting down so I….” 

I locked my eyes to the floor, then closed them. I just embarrassed myself so hard. I have no problem dying at this point.

_Oh God….please, take me now. If you won't then let the Earth swallow me. And make it quick..._

Then I felt warm, strong arms around my body. 

I opened my eyes in surprise.

He was hugging me.

“…..um…what are you doing?” 

I asked but didn't move away. 

Instead of answering, he hugged me harder, almost breaking my bones. Fuck he is so strong… His shoulders are wide and his biceps are hard and well-shaped. I can see he works-out…

Then I realized what the hell were we doing. 

I pushed him away and took a few steps back. 

“Haha you’re so cute when you blush you know~” 

“Gah…” My heart skipped a beat. 

Nononono c-calm down… Calm down dammit!! Shit why is it so hot in here?!

“I-I need to g-go home” I grabbed my school bag and quickly put my shoes on “You have some fruit-yogurt left in fridge, and don't forget to take medications.” I said all that so fast that I hoped he understood, then rushed out without looking back. 

And I ran all the way home. 

And lied myself that my heart was pounding because of running…

⭐⭐⭐

The whole following week I couldn't stop thinking about him. He didn't come to school that week either, but I didn't visit him again. I tried to force myself to forget about everything and move on with my life. To forget how his strong arms held me, how his body warmed my own, how I ran once again, how my heart was beating like crazy every time I remembered….

And as you can see, the more I tried the more I failed. 

I was starting to feel like those annoying girls from my class. Like whatever the fuck I see… 

Oh look, that guy has the same haircut as He Tian.

Oh look, this guy has the same shirt as He Tian.

Oh look, this stone is the same colour as sweat-pants He Tian wears.

_Oh look, this fucking tree looks like He Tian._

LITERALLY.

Dammit!!! Why?! ‘Cuz he hugged me?! C'mon he did worse shit than that! A lot worse! Like kissed me!!! 

And why didn't I just punch him for fuck sake?! 

But I can't keep lying to myself like this…

The reason why I didn't push him away immediately, is because I liked it. 

It's been a long time since someone hugged me… 

Well, except mum of course. But even mum doesn't do that anymore ‘cuz I don't allow it. ‘Cuz….well, you know…mum. 

But it's such a good feeling. So warm and intimate… and comfy… make you feel safe, feel… desirable? 

Anyway it was good. And I loved it.

But only the gesture! NOT him!

Should I visit him today? It's been a week, he probably forgot already… 

Maybe I could stop by after school. 

⭐⭐⭐

After school, I bought some groceries for making sweets and went to his apartment again. 

Why do I keep doing this to myself… 

But before I even reached my goal, I saw He Tian in the hallway. He was alone, talking on the phone.

Shit… 

My heart started jumping in my chest again, and I hid behind the nearest pillar. 

I can't… I can't face him after all…

“Like I care what she said I already told you I'm not going!” 

He sounds angry… A fight? I wonder who's he talking to… 

I peeped behind the pillar a bit. He Tian was turned in other direction, so I was looking at his back.

“I don't care what you think either!” He made a pause, and started walking back and forth nervously “No dad I already told you…Oh yeah? Yeah wELL TELL THAT BITCH THAT YOU CAN BOTH GO FUCK YOURSELVES AND STAY OUTTA MY LIFE!” Instead of just hanging up, he threw his phone in the wall violently. I watched him ran fingers through his hair. “DAMMIT!!!” Then he punched the wall so hard that I swear I could hear it rip in half. “FUCK…” He crouched and gripped his fist. 

This is not good…

I need to put all awkward shit behind me for now. Even if I was afraid shitless, I stepped out of my hideout and slowly reached him. He was so angry that he didn't notice me at first. 

“H-hey…” He twitched. “Um… I'm… I mean…” 

He stood up without a simple ‘hi’ and headed to the stairs. 

…what? Did he just ignore me???

“Oi!” I followed him “How dare you ignore me?! Hey wait a minute!” He didn't stop.

“Hey! Oi! HE—WOULD YOU STOP FOR A MINUTE GOD DAMMIT?!”

He stopped. 

I made a short pause to catch a breath.

“Why the hell are you running away?!?”

He didn't answer.

“CAN YOU AT LEAST LOOK AT ME—“

“WHAT.” He turned in my direction. “WHAT. DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?! HUH?!” 

I went silent. I truly didn't know myself but…

“I… I just wanted to help you with that…” I pointed at his bloody fist. 

He hid it behind his back. “I don't need your help.” 

“THE HELL YOU DON'T!”

He stopped again. 

“You can put your pride to side for once and let me help you! And DON'T. Dare run away again.” 

Fortunately for me, he didn't brag anymore.

⭐⭐⭐

He Tian's POV: 

“ACHO!” I woke up sneezing for the 1000 fucking time since yesterday. 

Dammit I may really caught a fucking virus or something. Oh well, I won't die. 

I remembered Guan Shan's face after I kissed him for the first time at P.E. class.   
His words of hate hurt me like a bitch, but I swore to myself I will never make him make that face again. 

I knew I should stay away, I knew my presence caused nothing more but danger to him, which was the last thing I wanted… but I couldn't stay away. 

And I acted like a fucking jerk. 

Well maybe I am one. Any normal person would take a ‘fuck off' and ‘no’ pretty clearly. 

But at the same time I knew I couldn’t have him, I wanted him so bad. 

“AAAACHOO!” Fuck would it stop already?! I don't have any more tissues! 

Well even if 90% of credits goes to me, I'm not the only one to blame.  
He's the one who made it this fucking hard…

Do I use word ‘fuck’ too often?

Oh well, it's my favorite word after all. After that comes all the beautiful compounds of ‘fuck'.  
Like ‘motherfucker', ‘fucking hell', ‘fuck you', ‘fuck off', ‘fuck on' ohh I like that last one. 

…Yeah I get why he thinks I'm a jerk.

I sneezed again. 

“He Tian are you okay?” one of the girls from my class approached me, and with her came few others. 

“Yeah you don't look so well He Tian… maybe you should go to nurse's office?” 

“You've been sneezing and coughing whole morning…” 

I forced a smile and waved “I’m fine, just a cold.” 

They blushed.

Pathetic.

How can everyone be so annoying? How the fu—hell do they have any more strength to fly around me 24/7? And for what? 

Sometimes I just wanna put a box on my head so none could recognize me. 

None believed me when I said I truly hate how I look. 

My birthday wish is to be ugly, so then maybe someone would talk to me for me, not for my looks. 

Now that I think about it, he was the first one who ever said ‘no’ to me. He _rejected me._

Maybe that's one more of reasons why I wanted him. 

“ACHO!” That's it I'm going home fuck this shit. 

I grabbed my bag and without even saying ‘goodbye' or ‘excuse me' to the teacher, I got out of class while she was yelling at me for my behavior. I didn't mind.   
I just wanna go home… I felt like shit. 

What I need is a good sleep and I'll be like new. 

At least I thought so.

I'll be like new my ass.

I woke up feeling even worse. My head was _killing me._

“What…time is it..?” I reached my phone. 

5.45 am.

_Get back to sleep…_

But there was no way I could. Everything hurt me. Each bone in my body felt like it was melting… Fuck, I could swear that even my _eyelashes_ hurt. 

“I need to buy some medicine…” My voice was low and cracked, and my throat hurt so much. Dammit why is it so hot in here?

I tried to get out of bed, but as soon as I stepped on the floor, the strength in my legs betrayed me and I fell. 

“Shit…” Back to bed. 

Imma just lay here for a little longer…

I remembered last time I got sick like this. Which didn't happen often, so that was a long time ago. I'd usually just lay in my bed until my fever came down. No matter how long it took... I was going through hell each time, but I somehow managed to pull it off. It was better than being at school where everyone sticked to me like flies. It’s not like anyone would care even if I died or something.

_Fuck it's so hot…_

I found it truly hard to breathe for some reason. After few moments of forcing myself to do it, I got out of bed and took some water. Then I showered quickly in order to clean all the sweat of my body. 

_Now it’s cold..._

“It's just a little fever… cool down a bit and it'll be fine…” is what I told to myself after I slumped on my bed and fell into sleep. 

What woke me up was instant knocking on my door. 

Who the fuck is it now. I swear imma kill whoever- 

But even I was surprised when I looked through the door spy. 

Redhead..? 

What is he doing here? 

He looked nervous, going back and forth in front of my door. 

Did he take a wrong turn or something? 

He froze when I opened the door.

“What the fuck are you doing?” 

“….um…” 

I sighed and let him come in. Well, if there was one person in this world I didn't mind at the moment, it was him. ‘Cuz I knew he wouldn't bug me.  
I then realized he was holding grocery bags. 

Did he…buy it for his home..? Right? 

My throat was so dry I had to take some water. Then I also realized I overslept. The whole fucking day. Great.

“Are you okay?”

“I'm fabulous.” Not. I'm awful. I'm just dying but fabulous. But I forced a smile like I always do, letting the magic do it's thing.  
Only it didn't work this time. He slapped his hand against my forehead. 

“You’re burning.” 

Yeah well I have a fever… I tried to pass it as a joke but he didn't fall for it. Instead he put me in bed. (can't belive I'm sayin' that… too bad I was sick…)

“Good. Now stay there.” 

I watched him unpack groceries and cook something using them.

_'So he bought them for me..?'_

The smell of homemade meal got through my nostrils congestion.   
It smelled good… 

Why would he bother? I don't… understand. 

He came back with a plate of food. I even saw some medications in the corner… did he know I was sick? 

But when I tried to take a spoon, I dropped it. 

“Leave it. I'll clean that.” 

This was so frustrating. I couldn't hold a fucking spoon. My hand was shaking. C'mon…

He sighed and went to take a sponge to clean the mess I made. Then he grabbed some soup with the spoon and brought it to my mouth.

Are you kidding me? I'm not an invalid… there's no way I'll—

“Hurry up or imma put it in your nose.” 

...well.

I didn't refuse. I didn't have any more strength to fight back or brag. And the soup tasted great, so light and not too spicy…

“Why are you doing this? I thought—I thought you hate me.” 

“I don’t hate you. I just dislike your personality.” 

Personality? That's…a new one.

Even though I hated that he said he dislikes me, I thought ‘finally.’ 

Finally, someone who judged my _personality_ , not my looks. 

Even if it was negative, it still meant to me much more than all the positive comments from those girls.

The warm tea and medications knocked me down and I fell into deep, long sleep. 

I didn't feel. I didn't see. I don't even remember anything. As if I was dead for a couple of hours. 

When I woke up I felt a lot better. My head didn't hurt anymore and although I was still a little weak, at least I could move. 

I saw Guan Shan lying next to me, sleeping. As I sat straight a wet towel fell off my forehead. Next to bed was a table full of things – half empty glass of water, wet and dry towels, medications, washbowl… I could swear that even bed sheets I was lying in were different. 

He… he took care of me? He looked after me… while I was asleep…

Even though I meant nothing to him… Even though he could just leave…

He didn't. Why… 

I can't even describe the feeling I got at that moment. I was so… happy. 

And I was even more happy after he yelled at me for getting sick.  
Sounded hella stupid, but he actually yelled at me ‘cuz I didn't take care of myself. He showed that he cares. He said he was worried. 

Damn I don't remember my own parents being worried for me. And he didn't even know me… I did all that to him, hurt him, made him cry… bugged him to death... And he helped me, and cared. That was something I needed to process for couple of seconds before hugging him tightly.   
I just… couldn't stop myself. Even if he pushed me away, I didn't care. At that moment, I had to hold him.  
And he was so warm. And soft. I could feel his heart throbbing in his chest, sending it's pulses to my own. The feeling of another living being in my arms was something foreign for me. But it felt so good. 

Of course he pushed me, and ran away blushing. 

So cute~ 

But I was pretty sure I wouldn't see him again after that. And that's okay. That's how it should be. After all, I have to face it, despite my desires, I can't have him. Nor can we be together. My destiny is to be alone for the rest of my life, and it's okay. I'm used to it. After all, it'd make me happier to never see him again knowing that he's okay than seeing him hurt knowing it's my fault. 

He deserves someone better than me.

If it had been that easy…

Nothing, I say nothing ever goes as I plan. 

My dad called me later that day. I wasn't surprised when I saw the number on the phone screen. To me he is probably what I am to Guan Shan – a pain in the ass.   
I told him over 1000 times, I'm not coming back, but he is so stubborn (guess I know who I got that from).

As always, he did nothing more but destroy the last nerve I had for that day, and I had to take it out on the poor wall. Good thing it wasn't a living being instead of it next to me.   
But what was the worst of it all, is when he showed up. 

He saw it.

He saw it and heard it all. I know he did.

That was all I need now. Questions I didn't wanna answer. 

I tried to ignore him, but he kept following me.  
Pissed and annoyed, I accidentally yelled at him. 

Then I found out he wanted nothing more but to help me. Again. 

And now, here he was, crouching between my legs, tipping my bloody fist gently with alcohol. 

“I’m sorry does it burn?” 

“No.” 

Why the hell would something like that burn? 

“You’re unbelievable. I'm pressing alcohol against your opened skin and you didn't even twitch…” 

“It's no big deal. Just a scratch.” 

We stayed silent while he wrapped my hand in bandage. 

“Who were you talking to just now?” 

And here we go. 

“My father.” 

Why the hell did I answer? 

“Father?” He looked up at me with confusion on his face “That was a really friendly talk for a father.”

“Yeah, we have some small fights like that.” 

“ _Small_ fights?” 

I didn't answer. I was thinking of a way to change topic or make him go home… Not that I wanted it, but I don't feel like talking right now. 

“I heard in school that you have family problems but I found it hard to believe that Mr.Perfect like you could have any kind of problems.” 

“Yeah well it's none of their fucking business.” I heard my voice heighten up for few notes. 

Fuck… I did it again.

I didn't want to yell at him…  
But… It is really none of anyone's business. I just wanna be left alone. 

“Look…” He gripped my hurt hand with both of his “You don't have to tell me what's wrong, and I won't ask you anything, but if you… just need to talk to someone, about anything, I'll listen. Trust me I had that shit I know how it goes. And I also know how fucked up it can be to feel like there's none in this world that understands… but there is. There always is. So if… you get sick again or just need to talk or something… just…call me, okay?” 

I just stared at him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This feeling I was getting… It was beyond anything I felt in my life, I can't describe it.   
I never had believed that person like this could exist in this world.

I struggled between strong lust and desperate wish to kiss him and hug him again. And to never let go.

Eventually something had to win.   
I gripped his cheeks with my palm and tried to kiss him, but he backed off immediately.

Of course… 

How could I ever be so stupid? He didn't want me. And I just fucked up probably those 0.76% of chances I had with him. 

Dammit this all was so… frustrating. 

My head hurt, my eyes hurt, my hand hurt… If I wasn't me but some shoujo girl, I'd probably cry. 

But I'm not going to cry just because I had a hard day. That was for pussies. 

“I-I'm sorry…” 

“Pfft, hahahaha… what are you apologizing for? You didn't do anything.” 

“But I….seeing you make that kind of face makes me feel like I did…” 

“What kind of face?”

I just prayed that my eyes weren't red or anything because God I swear imma break another wall if he asks me why I'm crying. 

“It doesn't matter. Like anyone would care even if I died like right now.” 

What am I saying? 

Then I felt his arms around my neck while he placed his body on my lap. 

My eyes winded in surprise. 

“Hey… don't say that… I'd be very sad if you died…” 

He patted my head like a dog’s, and ran his fingers through my hair, looking me in the eyes. 

We were looking at each other like that for a long time. 

His expression was soft and his eyes were deep and shiny. His lips looked so soft… 

Damn I need chains for myself this is getting unbearable. 

He gently put his hand on my cheek. 

“You can kiss me if you want to.” 

I lifted my head to look at him in disbelief.

“I don't need your pity.” 

He laughed a little “It’s not out of pity” then his expression went serious again “Because I want you too.” 

….what? 

Did I hear right? 

‘Cuz I sure don't wanna fuck up again. 

As if he read my mind, he sighed and said “Yes, you heard right. Now are you gonna kiss me or not?” 

I didn't waste another second to shut our lips together, pressing them so hard my teeth hurt. 

Even though I barley could hold myself back, I started gently in order not to scare him again, biting his lower lip as if asking for premission. He opened his mouth and let out a small whimper. I took that as a ‘yes' and hungrily slipped my tongue in. Even if it was a ‘no' I couldn't hold myself back anymore. 

I searched inside his mouth, running back and forth, left and right, going deeper with each move. He tried to do the same, but he struggled for breath. 

He's so inexperienced. 

_‘Cute~’_ I thought.

I see. So I suppose he didn't lie before when he said that was his first kiss. That thought limbered my desire like a flame, and I dug deep in one more time before letting him catch a breath. 

As soon as our lips parted, saliva connected them like a wire and I licked my lips to break it, stretching them in smirk. 

I listened to his short breaths, kinda finding it funny how new he was in all this. 

“You’re so innocent ~” I said as I cleaned his mouth with my thumb.

“Shut up…” He blushed. I couldn't have enough of that sight no matter how many times I saw it. 

“If you use this to mock me imma break your teeth.” 

I laughed and pressed my forehead against his “Don’t worry. I'll save it for emergencies only.” 

He was so warm… 

If only I could… 

I moved my hand on his waist lower, slipping it under his shirt, feeling his hot skin under my fingers. I tried to put it lower down but he caught my wrist.

“Hey that is going too far.” 

Whops. 

I gave another smirk. 

Not yet I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to click all those things below ya know already, and follow me on Wattpad! Tnx for reading~!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when you re-read your own story for the first time after publishing and see all the grammar mistakes you've made *facepalm*  
> I hope they don't notice....  
> *inner voice* Oh yh why don't you point out where they are Scherlock?  
> SHUT UP YOU SAW NOTHING!  
> Anyway I'm glad I had time to update early like this, rare opportunity... But you know, I know from experience, the thing you need the most in exhausting week is some fantasy, something to enjoy. And since manga updates are like ''lol no'' why not let yourself dream in fanfic world! (: 
> 
> ALSO READ THIS! Important 4 the story, this ch continues from He Tian's POV

The next day he pretended nothing happened, but I wouldn't drop it. 

I'm not gonna let this slip, that kiss yesterday may brought back my 0.76% chances and maybe even more. 

He tried to get away, act all annoyed and angry, but he wasn't fooling me, I could see the difference. He didn't mind my presence as much as he wanted to. And I used it to max. 

We started hanging out more often, and not only for ‘my needs' as he called it, but for fun. Like normal friends do. 

Pff friends… 

Well that's a start too. 

I never had any _real_ friends. Many people admired me, but I doubt any of them actually wanted to be my friend. 

He on the other side…. Was really weird. All in all I assumed that was his shield. He wasn't like me, he needed time to process things. He probably didn't sleep after that last kiss (which was confirmed by large dark bags under his eyes).

Even when we hang out, he'd always say something like ”but just this time… otherwise I don't know you!” or “this is ‘cuz you made me!” when it was clear as day that he enjoyed himself. I'd always let him have his way and tossed it with a smirk. 

But I ain't gonna play his game. I'm just letting him feel the freedom, but he knows who's the master. And he hated it, which was more of a reason for me to adore it. 

I tried to kiss him again and again. At first he was ready to kill me, but sometimes when the time occurred… usually when I felt down, after talk with my father, he'd let me.  
It took some time for me to get it. He needed softer approach. If I tried to grip his jaw and put my tongue in he'd bite me, but if he saw I wouldn't force him or that I really need it at that moment, it was no problem. 

As soon as I understood the method I used it whenever I wanted, not just when I needed it. 

Even if he gets it, by now he didn't mind. He started letting me do stuff like that more often.  
So eventually, a kiss or a hug from time to time became something ordinary. 

But it wasn't enough. 

I wanted more. I needed _more._

But that was too much even for him. Whenever I tried to go further, he'd back off. 

I don't know how long can I hold back… I really wasn't used to waiting. But I must control myself. Otherwise I risk to lose him. 

So I tried using the same method as before, tried to go slower. I didn't make it obvious. I'd simply put a hand around his waist, sometimes slapped his ass as if for joke (oh how I loved seeing him angry after that one), slip a hand under his shirt, up to his spine… Giving him small but clear signals of my lust. 

And I knew he gets it. He wasn't stupid. But I gave him time. 

I almost succeeded once.

It was a school day and we went to lunch together as usual, only this time we decided to go on the rooftop to avoid the crowd in front yard. I pretended that I was really upset (well I wasn't pretending, but I was… it was more like…50/50) and I said I wanted to talk. 

So we went to the rooftop and started talking. Only we talked about anything but my ‘problem’. 

“I thought you were upset.” 

“I am upset.” I smiled “Is it not seenable?” 

“…..Not really..” 

“Really? Well I guess I hide it like a pro.” I gave another smile and we went silent for some time. 

Then I leaned and tried to kiss him, but he backed off. 

“What? Can't I?” 

Remember idiot, softer approach. 

“I’m sorry… May I?” 

“Ngh…” He twiched a bit and turned his head in other direction, blushing. 

I stood up and started walking to the door. 

“Hey wait!” He stood up as well. I turned around to look at him, but he immediately lowered his eyes, blushing again. “…okay..” He said to his own chin. 

“What's that?” 

“I said OKAY you idiot!!!” 

As soon as he said that I approached him and took him in my arms, kissing his passionately. 

He put his arms around my neck, while mine were around his waist. 

That position was too tempting for me…

I deepened the kiss and forcefully pushed him to the wall, not breaking the contact.

I let my hands wander a bit, and lowered my mouth to his jaw, following it's line to his ear and down his neck. He let out a small seductive breath as I bit the sensitive skin there, and I could basically feel his vocal cords moving as that breath became louder when I dug my teeth deeper. 

He tightened his grip on my shoulders as I put a leg between his, pressing his length with my knee. 

But when I tried to put my hand under his pants, he grabbed my arm.

“Heyheyhey-HEY!” I froze and looked him in the eyes. He didn’t look away this time, but decisively looked right back into mine.  
We stood frozen like that, but when he didn't say anything I took it as a clear ‘no.’ and let him go. 

“I'm sorry I… I just can't….” 

I paused my steps and smiled, humping. “It's okay. You don't need to apologize.” And with that I left. 

Fuck….

That was _this fucking close…_

My own length hurt, and I just then realized I was hard. 

_‘Dammit…’_

I'll need to skip next class. 

⭐⭐⭐

After that he started avoiding me again.

_‘Oh c'mon…’_ I thought every time I saw him see me, but run away. 

I had mixed feelings about all this. 

I loved how he was a challenge, a true one indeed, but at the same time I wanted to just rape him and fuck him until he faints.  
And I swear if this goes on I might as well do it… 

But I accepted the challenge. 

_‘Let's see where it takes us.’_ I thought.

I can't wait for him to make a move though. I know he's too proud for that. 

So I waited for him after school. 

Of course he was pretending he didn't see me…

“Would you stop ignoring me like an embarrassed girl already?” 

“I'm not ignoring you. I didn't see you.” 

“Yeah you must have eyes on your butt then.” 

He didn't answer. 

“Wanna go on a drink tonight?” 

“But I'm a minor…”

“So am I. Didn't stop me ‘till now.” 

Took time and effort, but eventually we ended up drinking together. I recommended that we use fake IDs to snug in some bar, but he refused to do ‘any kind of my illegal shit'. Seriously what's wrong with people nowadays being afraid to risk a little… but okay.

So we bought drinks and, since it was still spring and weather was perfect, found some nice isolated place and sat on a small hill to relax.  
I was surprised by how short it took for him to get drunk. After only two or three drinks he was already more talkative, after five his cheeks turned red like a pepper and after six/seven he was talking nonsense.

I was completely sober though. Like this small shit could knock me down. 

“So I said to him ‘good luck finding someone with enough knowledge for your poor job!’ like that. Seriously I don't get it! They act crazy and all like ‘you have to have foreknowledge or some fancy school to work here!' I mean ‘s not like I'm gonna be engineer or something!” 

I really loved how he gets into his story once he relaxes. I don't get to see it at school because he's grumpy most of the time, but I realized when we hang out before too… if he gets comfortable enough, he'd talk very fast and lively, filling his story with gesticulation as if to give you better picture from his head. I found it hella cute. He's really not-so-grumpy person once you get to know him better. 

“So that was – would you stop staring at me please? Makes me feel uncomfortable…”

“Hm? Ah, sorry I sunk into another dimension… I just don't understand why you have to work so much. We're still sophomores, it's a long way until we actually need to find a job.”

“Yeah well… it's not like I wanna… I mean I'm not complaining or anything, it's just that it can be hard to match school and work in more then one shift….” 

“Then why – “

“Look not all of us can wipe their ass with money like you we poor people need to work for it okay?!”

I was speechless. His face was red and his expression angry for few seconds, until it softened and he opened his mouth without a word coming out.

“I – I didn't mean it like that… I'm sorry I just…..” He closed his eyes and sighed “Sorry… it's not your fault that I have to live like this. I'm so stupid… It's just… it's such a pressure, and I can't really talk about it with anyone – “

“Hey.” I patted his shoulder “It's okay. I get it. I know the feeling.” 

He sobbed and wiped his eyes, holding his knees between his arms. I patted his head and let him cool down a bit.

I looked at the stars, feeling the cold weak wind that covered his low sobs. The night was really beautiful…. There wasn't one cloud up the sky, and so many stars made it seem like we were in a movie. 

I felt like the silence's gonna last forever, until he started talking.

“My mum is sick. I mean really sick… she has ill heart. Thus she needs medications every month, but her medications aren't really cheap… She used to work before, but after she nearly died in a hospital from over exhaustion, I swore I'd never let that happen again. At that time I was still too young to do a proper job, but I found some…I had to… Ever since dad went to jail, her condition got worse and she's unable to work… so I have to take as much as I can to pay for everything. And only her medications cost like food _and_ our apartment. But she needs them….so…”

I took him in my arms and hugged him tightly. He hugged me back, sobbing into my black sweater. 

“Stop sobbing like that it's annoying. It’s okay to cry if you want to.” 

He sobbed again and wiped his nose on my sweater “I’m not gonna cry, that's what sissies do.” 

I grinned. “Everybody cry from time to time.” 

“Even you?” His voice was trembling.

I stayed quiet for few seconds. “I’m different.” 

“How?” 

“Didn't you say I have no feelings?” I laughed, tryin' to make a shitty joke to cheer him up. 

I truly felt sorry for him. Which was more then surprising for me… I don't remember last time I felt compassion for anything, not to mention anyone. But for some reason I felt such a need to hold the boy in my arms, to make him feel better, to make him smile and to protect him. 

_‘What the hell is wrong with me…’_

“Yeah well…” he sobbed “Maybe I was wrong.” 

“…maybe.” I gently patted his head and closed my eyes, letting my own fall on his shoulder. He was shaking. 

We stayed connected like that for some time. Each second I felt his trembling shoulders calm down.

I was looking at the stars, thinking.

_‘Would it be a good idea..?’_

Probably not. 90% not. But I went on my luck and turned my head, dragging my mouth across his neck. 

“What are you doing..?” 

He asked, but didn't move. 

“Cheering you up.” 

“Wha – WAAH!” 

I pushed him to the ground, holding his hands above his head. 

“C'mon it'll help you relax~” I lifted his shirt and started kissing and biting his neck again. Then I went lower.

“STOP YOU PERV – AH!” 

I licked and sucked his one nipple, using my free hand to play with other. He was struggling wildly, but I tightened my grip on his wrists harder and he made a small scream of pain. 

I dragged my tongue lower and lower, licking his chest and stomach to dangerously low zone.  
His gasping was becoming louder with each move I made. Music for my ears.

I slowly dragged my palm across his stomach and, with one quick move, put it into his pants.

“Sto – No…Ngh… I SAID NO!” 

He lifted his leg and kicked me in the side, hitting my lungs. 

Fuck that hurt… 

But I played tough and stayed put. 

“Hey… I just want to help you release the pressure. So let me touch you.” It sounded more like a request than question, but hell if it wasn't. 

He was just looking at me suspiciously without answering. 

I didn't wait for his answer and started moving my hand. 

“Hah!” He gasped at my sudden action. I could feel his hands and arms moving as if they were tryin' to escape from my grip, but I didn't allow it.  
I watched him gasp and squirm beneath me, absorbing each precious detail into my memory. 

My throat was getting dry and I leaned in to kiss him deeply. 

_God he tasted so good._

I moved my hand faster and he cambered his back as he came, letting out a loud gasp.

Finally he couldn't take it any longer and started crying.

“There you go~” I let go of his arms and leaned down, licking tears from his cheeks, feeling their salty taste. 

He still didn't move his arms from the position I put them in, so I used the chance to slip my hand into his, interlacing our fingers. He smelled of alcohol but his fingertips were cold and I pressed my own on his to warm them up. 

Maybe this night turns to be the most beautiful night by now for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friend of mine told me today that I should stop watching anime and find a boyfriend. Lol was it that seenable how miserable I am? Haha jk I told her that I have all my boyfriends with me all the time *brings phone to her face* 
> 
> SO ANYWAY tnx for the support don't forget to follow me on Wattpad too! Comment if you like it so far, I would like to hear your opinion :) 
> 
> Also I apologize for it being WAY too shorter than usual, I'm working hard, and I will try to make the next one longer *bows*
> 
> I see I forgot to add it in previous ch: I do not own 19 days! Feels like I have to say it even if it's pretty obvious :/


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk why Notes from ch 1 keep popping after every ch do you guys see it too? Or is it just me? ;-; How can I fix that? *help*

Guan Shan's POV: 

I woke up unable to move at all for half an hour. My head was _killing_ me. 

I had to force myself to get up and take some painkillers. I waited for them to take some effect before going to shower. 

I was sitting in the shower, letting hot water warm my skin up while I stared blankly at bathroom tiles between my legs, thinking. 

Unfortunately, I remembered last night better then I would want to.

“UWAAAGH!!” I put my hands on my head.

_‘I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET HIM….’_

Moresoever I can't believe it happened in the first place. I wanted to blame the liquid, but I knew deep down that what happened last night was real.

It's not that I didn't know what was coming. I knew what he wants. He gave me pretty clear signals. And I wasn't stupid. Just pretended I was. But he obviously didn't buy it. 

Let's face it, something had to happen sooner or later. I guess I just expected it later… or was I ….

Ahhh I don't know what to think anymore… This was all too much information to process for me… 

_‘Motherfucking pervert. It's all his fault…’_

I couldn't face him after one kiss how the helI am I gonna face him now?!

But I should actually be thankful. I was more lucky last night then I want to admit. After all, he just jerked me off. And I saw how he looked at me. Not only last night, but for the past few weeks… I doubt he notices, but sometimes when he stares at me, his eyes would go from their usual black to pitch black, making them look so deep… drowning you in… It was so scary. He looked at me like I was a piece of meat. And he was the hungry animal. 

I didn't like it. It was truly scary…

He was scary. 

I grabbed a shower and flushed the remainings of soap from my body. 

I can't keep running away… it's gonna happen with or without my approval. I better start preparing myself mentally than sit here thinking about all the embarrassing stuff...

I always hated school, but after getting involved with The Bastard I hated it more then ever. Because not only I had to take more then 8 hours of torture and suffering, but I had to take _his_ torture and that was far worse from school torture. 

I also needed to be very careful where I was and who I was with, in order to avoid seeing him, and if I see him to avoid embarrassing myself in front of anyone I was with.

Basically he is a type of person who didn't care for stuff like decency and basic-society-politeness-rules, he could take a microphone and shout “My dick is dank” or “I bet your mother's pussy is wider than your mouth” without even twitching and trust me when I say I'm not even joking, I remember hearing him say that to one guy who tried to fight with him. At that time I was like ‘wtf’ but I realized then that you can't over-mouth He Tian.

Nor can you say ‘no’ to He Tian. I mean you can of course, if you wanna see Lucifer next thing. I know ‘cuz I tried… a couple of times…

And those were few of the reasons why I was afraid. Yes, I admit it, I was afraid. Not only of him, but of what he can actually _do to me._

I knew he had more experience than Britney Spears but I didn't. And after seeing him go berserk like that last night, it was pretty clear he didn't have much self-control over those things either. 

And on top of all, _I'm a male._

_I'm not supposed to… be stretched goddamit!_

I blushed at my own thoughts and at creepy pictures that were appearing in my head. 

“WAAAH GO AWAY!” I started waving above my head, like I was trying to erase my own thoughts. 

Of course people around looked at me like I was a psycho. 

“Why so angry from early in the morning Princess~?” An arm switched over my shoulders. 

“!!!!” I twitched and wriggled out of his hold. 

NO. _NO._ LAST THING I NEED IS TO SEE _HIM!_

“Haha when will you get used to this?” 

_‘Never.’_ I thought and started walking away. 

Why did I ever think I could do this…

“Hey don't run away now~ I thought we finally established deeper connection~” 

He has to doesn't he…

“There wasn't any kind of connection to begin with!” 

“Your gasping last night says differently.” 

I blushed. 

_‘THAT – ‘_

I turned around and slapped my hand against his mouth. I looked left and right, searching for any weird looks. 

“Would you use some self-control for once?! We're in public goddamit!” 

I felt his lips stretch in smirk under my palm. 

I gave him one more warning look before letting go. Which I regretted deeply, because as soon as I did he started talking again. 

“We were outside last night too what difference does it make?” 

_‘A LOT.’_

“Yeah but there was none around and – oh nevermind, like a pervert like you can understand.” 

He put his hands in his pockets, following me wherever I went. 

Oh c'mon I'm tryin' to avoid you here! 

“Hey, you wanna go drinking again tonight?” 

“Fuck off! I'm never drinking with you again!!!” 

“Aww but you seem to get in the mood only when you drink~” 

God I swear – 

Luckily school bell saved us (rather me) and I ran off with excuse for class. How low have I gone to actually want to go to class to get away from him…. 

I didn't have to look back to know he watched me until the very moment I got into classroom. I could literally feel his eyes on me, giving me chills from head to toes. 

_‘I'm soo fucked up. Literally….’_

What am I gonna do…

I was even trying to actually concentrate on what the teacher was talking about for the first time in my life. Anything to get my mind off that topic. 

If only I could make some excuse to get away at least today… 

“Heyyy Reddie~” He, of course, waited for me after school. 

Okay, here we go… 

I took a deep breath and approached him. 

“Wassup~?” 

“Nothing…” 

Come on, say it… It's not like I'm gonna die or anything (hope so).

“Um…do you mind if I go home by myself today?” 

I saw his smile disappear and his eyes turn darker colour. That's it I'm gonna die…

“Okay. Wanna go out later the – “

“Um, actually I'm busy… working… all day…and…night…” 

His eyes went to pitch black and I closed my own not being able to look at them.

Oh my God I said ‘no’ to He Tian… I expected to see Mr. Lucifer every minute now. 

“Okay.” 

…huh? I'm alive? I raised my sight. 

“It’s work right? It's not like you can choose your shifts. Besides I have some business to do too.” He patted my head “See ya later then.” And with that he left. 

…I am alive…

FUCK I SURVIVED! 

Wait, is that good or bad? Something tells me I'm gonna regret this….

Well at least I can celebrate that I'm alive for now.

Okay, enough of this screwing around. Time to face this problem like an adult. 

Before going home I picked some books and magazines from the store and library. Women working at the store and library looked at me like a weirdo after seeing what I was buying… That was truly embarrassing, but I couldn't bring myself to care about such things. 

After that I went straight home, hiding everything in my bag from my curious mother. Let her just think her son is watching porn like any normal teen. Well… this was pretty much the same…kinda…

I started unpacking my stuff, putting everything I bought on the bed. After few seconds I was surrounded by sex magazines and instruction books (for homosexuals and girls only). Well you know what they say… better have some knowledge about sex before getting raped. Since I didn't have a computer at home, books were my only possible source.  
I sat in the middle of the chaos and crossed my legs. Where to start… 

I randomly picked one book and started reading. 

“Okay, so…sex between…men…” I blushed and threw the book, drowning my head into the pillow.

 _‘WAAAAAHHH! I CAN'T! I CAN'T DO THIS AFTER ALL! IT'S TOO EMBARRASSING!!!’_

I took a few deep breaths into my pillow and forced myself to be rational and calm down. It is natural. This is just… getting sexually – educated. It's what every teenager should know (if they're a girl lol) OKAY STOP. Concentrate.

I took another deep breath and grabbed the abandoned book again. 

_“MSM also known as male who have sex with male, are male person who engage in sexual activity with members of same sex…”_

I know what the fuck gay means give me some instructions…. 

I skimmed few pages forward. 

_“Historically, anal sex has been popularly associated with MSM and male homosexuality. Among men who have anal sex with other men, the insertive partner is refererd to as the **top** and the one being penetrated is referred to as **bottom** ”_

So I'd be the bottom…? I mean… there’s no way He Tian would ever accept to be the bottom. A fuckboy like him would jump on anyone.

_“The action itself is much harder for the male that plays bottom role than for the top.”_

Don't say. 

Of course it's easier to fuck than to be fucked.

_“Since male body is not predicted for this kind of sexual interaction, the bottom needs to be penetrated first. This is usually done with inserting fingers or sexual objects in the bottom's anus to stretch the muscles enough for the penis to get in.”_

Okay waitwaitwaitwait I need a break… 

I slammed the book into the sheets. 

_‘He… to... i – insert...’_

OH HELL NO. Like I'd let anything go up my ass!!! 

After that went all the scary things. Danger of getting all kinds of sexual – transmitting diseases and infections, from HIV to syphilis. I doubt he has any sexual – transmitting disease but still… Then with the story of all possible damages, I even read it can lead to surgery if not careful enough. What… 

This is shit… 

But scary shit. 

This is going to be harder then I thought…

Imma search a bit more in internet café tomorrow.

⭐⭐⭐

First it took me like 1000 years to actually type what I wanted to know, because I constantly looked left and right left and right to check if someone was watching. Of course none gave a shit everyone minded their own business…. But only when I got completely sure in that, I typed what I wanted to know in google search tab. 

Basically they gave me the same shit from those books and even less… Top and bottom, penetration, mental preparation, diseases and infections… 

Same same same. 

So to sum up you spread your legs and hope that your top is experienced and healthy enough. 

Such yey. 

I sighed and dropped my head between my hands. 

_‘Ahhh I don't know if I can give him what he wants after all…’_

I give up. If I don't hurry up imma be late for school…

Wait. FUCK! I'M LATE!!! 

I grabbed my bag and ran out of the café. I had 5 minutes until first class and I wasn't even close to school! 

And of course, why would destiny spare me for even once, as I approached school yard I saw He Tian with his hand in his pocket, leaning on the wall with headphones in his ears and cigar in his mouth. 

“Yo.” He smiled. “How was work?” 

He didn't seem angry… But there was something behind that smile. 

“En…hard…” I lied “Are you skipping?”

“I was planning to. You wanna skip with me?” 

“I… don't know… I have exams coming and – “ 

But then I remembered I already said ‘no’ to him once before, and I didn't want to risk my life again. 

“….You know what, fuck it, I'm going.” 

His smile became wider. “Now that's what I wanna hear.” He dropped his cigarette and put an arm over my shoulders. “Welcome to ‘Rebellious’ club Princess~”

“Seriously stop calling me that… it's stupid and annoying.” 

“But it's cute and girly that's why it suits you~” He rubbed my hair. 

“WHAT – You tryin' to say I'm girly?!?!?”

I tried to kick and punch him but he blocked each of my attacks and laughed. I tried it a couple more times until I gave up. 

“….And I'm certainly not cute.” I turned my head in other direction. 

“You so are~” 

“Shut up! What is cute about _me?!_ ” 

“Everything?” 

“Not!” 

“Yes. Even now… your blushing, it's so cute~”

“Blu – “ oh fuck. C’mon! Don't! “Aah…” I tried to answer but not a word came outta my mouth.

“I'm dead serious.” He came closer “For me, you're the cutest thing on Earth.” 

“A…” God, please don't look at me like that… I'm gonna melt…

“Pfff…” He covered his mouth with his hand. 

“Wha – Why are you laughing?!?!” 

“Ahahahaha sorry you're just…too much…” He started laughing harder, making my cheeks go bright red and I tried to kick him again and again but failed of course. Damn he has such reflexes…

We goofed off like that for some time and I'm sure we skipped more then first class.

“Hey, wanna go to my place after school?” He suddenly asked. 

“…um..” 

He rolled his eyes “I mean for cooking.” 

“Oh… yea, cooking… sure, why not. But wait – “ 

“What.” 

“I can't…” 

“Why?” 

“Tomorrow is Saturday right? I have to go to work, first shift.” 

“So what? Your work-place is near my building ne? You can sleepover.” 

S…sleepover… 

“I – I don't think it's a good idea – “ 

“I’ll wake you up if you want. You can sleep on the sofa.” 

I wanted to say ‘no’ but his eyes were telling me to say ‘yes' if I know what's good for me. 

This was a bad idea…

I constantly keep telling myself that while I cooked us dinner in his kitchen. 

“Yo Princess how long already? I'm getting hungry from that smell.” 

‘Yeah well maybe if you stopped staring at me it'd be easier…’ 

No, seriously, from the moment we approached his place to now he didn't take his eyes off me. I felt like he was stabbing me with his eyes. 

_Slap._ I felt a slap on my ass and his head suddenly appeared on my shoulder. “Whatcya makin'? Smells delicious ~” 

FUCK!? 

I blushed from head to toes and tried to actually slam the wooden spoon into his nose.

“WOULD YOU FUCK OFF ALREADY?! YOU'RE THE ONE SLOWING THIS DOWN!” 

He held my arm which still fought to get to his nose and do what it planned to. 

“Haha why are you so angry~? I just asked.” 

I made and irritated noise and tried to ignore him. It was the best way to deal with him sometimes. 

He didn't bother me after that and we ate in silence. 

He showered afterwards but I was too awkward to even use his bathroom… 

When bedtime came, he started getting ready for bed, pulling his shirt up, while I stood next to him for like 10 minutes waiting for him to notice me. 

“….um…” Our eyes met. 

“….the pillow?” I asked but he stared at me with blank expression I couldn't read through. 

“Didn't you say I'd sleep on the sofa?” 

He still held his poker face, stabbing me with his dark eyes, when suddenly he smiled weakly.

“Oh yeah. Sure.” He grabbed a thin blanket and threw it at me. 

“And the pillow?” 

“It'll be enough.” He continued to dress in his sleeping grey sweat-pants.

“ _Are you kidding me?!_ ”

“Is there a problem?” 

“Hell there isn't! First of all it's freezing here, this blanket is too thin! And second how am I supposed to sleep without a pillow?!” 

He titled his head and smirked. “This is not a hotel room. Be happy I gave you even this much.” 

_Me_ to be happy?! I'm the one who agreed to sleepover at _your_ place! Show some custody!!! 

“But of course, if you get that cold you can always come sleep with me here~” His smirk widened.

 _I knew it._

“Thanks I'd rather freeze to death.” 

I angrily placed my thin blanket on the sofa and rolled into it to warm myself up. 

It didn't last long though… 

After about an hour later I was trembling under it. It was so fucking cold. And hella uncomfortable without a pillow. 

I raised my head to look at He Tian who was peacefully sleeping in his warm bed. He was truly merciless…

I may start rethinking my decision of staying on the sofa…

No. Even if I die here, going into bed with He Tian would be like entering Devil's den. 

“Acho!” I sniffed. 

So imma die stubborn and proud. 

I closed my eyes and tried to force myself to ignore the cold and sleep, but then I felt the sofa denting, as if something heavy pressed it. 

I opened my eyes and saw a hand next to my head. He Tian was right above me. 

“You’re gonna catch a cold like that.” He said almost whispering “You’re so stubborn…” He gently dragged the back of his hand across my cheek. 

“I - I'm fine – acho!” I sneezed again. 

“You're freezing.” He touched my lips with his fingertips.

“Yeah and who’s fault is that…” I said and wiped my nose with my hand. 

“Why don't you come to bed with me?” 

“Fuck off now, you're the one that put me he….re…” 

His eyes seemed even darker now that everything around us was pretty much black. Despite shadows across his face I could still see his expression pretty clearly. And his eyes… they were full of lust. 

I swallowed and started breathing faster as my heart skipped every third beat. It was so quiet I could literally hear my own pulse. And his. For some reason it wasn't so cold anymore… in fact, I was beginning to sweat. 

He didn't say a word as he slowly leaned down and kissed me gently, not taking his eyes off mine for a sec. His lips were hot and soft, and his touch so gentle. It felt…good.

His lips were just softly touching mine at first, but then they became rougher, increasing the pressure.

I put my hands on his shoulders, slowly dragging them down to his biceps and across his chest, all the way to his stomach. Fuck he is so hot… 

_‘I did not just think that…’_

His tongue slipped into my mouth, creating the already well-known feeling, licking back and forth, in and out. 

He pulled my shirt up and let his body fall completely onto my own, his hot skin and toned stomach warming me up from head to toes. 

He bit my lower lip and I couldn't hold back the small gasp that escaped my throat. He licked and bit my jaw-line, and sucked my neck so hard I knew I was gonna have marks afterwards… 

But I didn't care. His body was so hot and his muscles so strong it felt like heaven for my frozen skin (and me). I let my mind slip into deep and unknown dimension, letting my body take control, as his every move made me sunk deeper into the darkness. I didn't think, I just felt. And what I could feel is that he was hard down there and fuck I was too. 

He started pulling my pants down slowly, making sure to drag his palm over my leg as he did it. I was left in my underwear and askew shirt underneath him. I could feel his erection pressed against my own through the fabric of our clothes. He kissed me again and let his hands wander around my body, going up then lower, up then dangerously lower… He put his palm on my hip, slowly stalling his fingers under my underwear, pulling them up. He gripped my butt, then suddenly rationality hit me like a bus. All those scary information and creepy images were coming back and pulling me out of my safe black bubble of satisfaction. 

“Ngh!” I pushed him back, not too forcefully, but strong enough to see him make confused expression. 

“What's wrong?” 

He looked impatient but he still tried to sound worried. I looked him in the eyes.

“I… I can't…” 

That's when they turned to their scary pitch black and he violently pushed me down on the sofa again. 

“You think you can tell me ‘I can't' after all this?” 

He gripped my jaw and kissed me forcefully, sinking his tongue so deep I thought I was going to drown. 

“MMPH AHH GH…” I was struggling for breath but he didn't seem to want to make it easier for me. I gripped his shoulders and pressed my fingers so hard that my nails sunk into his skin, ripping it. I expected him to get up, scream in pain, but instead I felt his dick throbbing beneath his sweat-pants. What the fuck…

Saliva dripped from the corner of my mouth and I gasped hardly to catch a breath as he disconnected our lips. 

“AAAHH!?!” He quickly threw me over to my stomach and placed his weight onto my body, caging me between the sofa and himself. 

“W – WAIT A MINUTE…” But he didn't listen to me. He pulled my underwear down and bit the area somewhere between my neck and back harshly, gripping my butt. I screamed in pain. I was so scared… 

“I. SAID. WAIT!” I somehow managed to punch him with my elbow and push him away. 

I went to the corner of the sofa and pulled my legs together. 

He wasn't moving, but I could see his tensed muscles and jaw. I still fought to breathe, each of my breath short and shallow. I cleaned dripping saliva from my mouth with my hand. 

“I'm sorry but… I need more time…” 

His expression seem to turn angrier from second to second.

“I must let you know I'm not a patient man.”

“It’s easy for you to say that! I need to be mentality prepared too you jerk!! And I'm not!” 

He stayed silent. 

“Besides…” I added “If you think that I'm like some girl you can fuck and leave on the street let me tell you now, you're damn wrong.” 

“You think I'd do something like that?” 

“And you say you wouldn't?” 

“I told you. I want you.” 

“YOU ONLY WANT ME BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HAVE ME!” I raised my voice more then I wanted to, surprising even myself… but I was truly angry. 

His eyes widened in disbelief. 

I can't believe I yelled at him…. 

But my fear of _that_ was bigger than fear of few punches. 

We were staring at each other like that for an entirety. He stood up and got back to bed without a word and I stayed curled in the corner of the sofa not being able to fall asleep again. 

I went to work far before my shift started, sneaking out before sunrise, while he was still asleep. 

I tried to concentrate on work and paying bills for the weekend, but when the Monday came, he was nowhere to be found. Not that I was searching for him…

I hoped that he disappeared, then suddenly, there he was. Waiting for me outside the school.

 _‘Why is he… after that…’_

Damn and I thought I’m stubborn as hell…

“I need to talk to you.” He said in one tone. 

“What makes you think I wanna talk with you?” 

I passed by, ignoring him. 

“Listen, I'm sorry… I overdid it, I know… I won't do that next time I promise.”

“Keep your promise to yourself, because there won't be next time.” 

“Look I know you're scared – “ 

“You just don't get it do you?! I said, there won't be next time. You cannot have me. Now wipe your fake tears, get your crown straightened, go fuck some cute girl and stop being such a spoiled brat.” 

He stayed silent and looked at me with unreadable expression. Saying that hurt me so much too, and I don't even know why… but I sure know one thing, and that's I don't want this. 

“Now go away. I don't wanna see you again.” 

I turned and started walking away, but he was still following me.

Seriously?

How can someone be so fucking persistent… 

“I thought about what you said earlier. About me wanting you only because I can't have you…” 

“Don't worry I'm sure you'll get over it soon enough.”

“It’s true.” 

“I know.” 

“But also it is not.” He stopped and so did I. 

“I really thought about it, and… I found out that it is you who I want, not only your body. So if you need more time… I'll wait. But please don't throw me away.” 

_‘Throw you away..? Who ever mentioned something like that…’_

It was obviously a trap, but when he says it like that… 

Or was it. I recognized that expression from before, when I said all those awful things to him after our first kiss. He now seemed more like a puppy than wild animal…

“What if I’m never prepared?” 

He shrugged his shoulders. “Then I guess I'll have to jerk-off for the rest of my life.” 

I laughed. “Seriously, you're so…”

Both of us were silent for some time, I wasn't able to look at him in fear that I'd fall for his puppy eyes too easily. 

“Listen, you don't understand… I'm…not like you. I don't wanna start a relationship based on sex.”

Hearing myself say word ‘relationship’ brought heat to my cheeks. I never ever expected I'd have to use it… Nor have I expected that I'd have this attitude towards it…  
But if this is what they call ‘finding your undiscovered inner self' then so be it. Every guy's dream is to have someone who they can constantly fuck whenever they want, I knew that ‘cuz I’m a guy myself. But that is not the kind of relationship I wanted.

“I want to be sure.” I said “I hope I make myself clear.” 

I know I sound like a girl, but I was hurt many times in the past, and I don't want that happening again. Especially not with my conscious approval. 

“I don't even understand why're you tryin' so hard… you can have anyone you want, yet you're stuck with me…” I tried to make it sound like a joke, though I was failing horribly.

“True. I can have anyone I want.” He grinned “But I want you. Because I believe you're the first thing… person… first anything worth tryin' in my life.” 

_Badump._

My heart skipped a beat and I could feel my face overheating. 

“So what are you saying..?” My voice was trembling a bit and I prayed that he didn't notice because if he did, I'd die right there. 

He stepped closer. 

“Would you jump to the paradox of unknown with me?” 

He put his forehead against mine. My eyes were down, not being able to look up at him. 

“How can I trust you..?” I asked, not even trying to hide my anxiety anymore. 

“You can't. But that's all I have to offer.” 

I looked up and our eyes met. His dark, mysterious ones drowned me into deep like a black ocean. 

There was no way I could've said ‘no’ to them.

“....okay…” I mumbled into my own chin, but I knew he heard since he was so close.

“What?”

“…you know what…”

“I know. But I want you to say it.” 

Kinky bastard…

“I… I'll go out with you.” 

He caressed his hand against my cheek. And our lips connected. 

That's when I fell into He Tian's paradox.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated sooner 'cuz idk when will I update again... School is starting to get srs and I also have some other shit on my neck... But I'll try! Also if you like the story, comment like and bookmark or whatever, tell me what you think so far and tnx for reading! And - saying this so much, but what can I say, I love being boring :,) - follow me on Wattpad! https://www.wattpad.com/myworks


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaacckkk! Here's the REAL chapter 6. And omg 1k hits... I've been absent only for a week... Thank you guys you're the best! *happy sob* Sorry it took me so long, tbh this week wasn't really good, and I got a fkn stomach virus so yeah I'm in pain... But writing smut while lying really is so much fun! (evn if your stomach is killing you lol) Btw, Wattpad unblocked me after I reported their action. Ha! None fucks with me bitch. Hahaha jk... But no rly, evn my best friend said that I'd probably be He Tian if I was a boy. Like I'm very shy and quiet person, (very talkative when talking about anime manga and yaoi) but when I'm not in the mood then it's run bitch run.

Having a boyfriend was much more fun then I thought it'd be.

I had someone to hang out with, to talk to, to do all kind of stuff…

Whenever we go out, he'd pay everything, food or drinks, which I didn't appreciate because I felt hella uncomfortable watching someone pay for me, but eventually I got used to it. I mean, I was repaying him with my cooking almost everyday. It was strange and nice at the same time, seeing someone always wait for me after school, or having someone actually _want_ to listen to my crap every day, no matter was it something like “I love pink bubblegum” or personal problems. That was really important to me… and surprisingly, He Tian was a good listener. And he always managed to cheer me up no matter how shitty my mood was. That was in his own way of course… he'd usually just go on my nerves. But it still helped.

I feel weird even thinking about it, but I feel so… happy. I feel like I finally have someone in my life, someone who cares…

Boy, if I’d known it'd be this good, I'd find a boyfriend earlier.

_Boyfriend…_

Yeah, I'm still getting used to that word though…

Of course, I knew it couldn't stay this way forever. All this was fun, and I was fine with just that… But I could see He Tian wasn't

Not that he didn't try, he really did… and he almost fooled me too. But I could see lust in his eyes grow each extra day we spend together. It was only a matter of time until his beast gets outta it's cage.

“Hey wanna spend the weekend at my place?”

“Ugh?” I almost choked on the noodle I was eating.

“Easy, don't get yourself killed, it'd be a shame~” He handed me his glass of water, since mine was already empty.

“So whatcya say?”

“Uh…” I took a sip “You mean like…sleepover?”

“Yup! This weekend is fine?”

“Hold on, don't make decisions on your own…. I didn't say I wanna.”

“Aw c'mon~ What's there to think about?”

“Well, for start, how am I gonna survive and not freeze to death?”

“Ah, don't worry, I bought extra blankets – “

“And the pillow?”

“ _And_ the pillow. It won't happen again I promise.”

…

_Say no._

_You're busy. You have to work. You have to go somewhere. You got plans already._

_Say no._

“Dammit…”

I knocked on the door of his apartment.

“Heyyy~”

“Sorry if I'm early…”

“Nah it's okay. Come in~”

I'm either too stupid or…. There's not even a second option.

“Would you stop glowing like a fucking fairy? You're giving me the creeps.”

“Yes, Your Shining Majesty, I'll glow the fuck out immediately ~” He said and approached me in tiny leaps, grabbing my waist and pulling me up.

“FUCK! Put me down you crazy creep!!!!!”

“Ohh someone's not so magical tonight~”

“You psycho!!! I said put me down!!!!” I started struggling outta his hold.

“Hahaha you don't have to be so grumpy, Princess~” He let me go and I took a few steps back.

“Die you pervert.”

I tried to ignore his mocking and concentrate on making us dinner. He insisted on something sweet, so I made some Hong Kong Egg Tarts*

“Ahh this is so good~ Imma buy you anything you want for this next time we go to a restaurant, Reddie~” He happily chewed like a child.

‘ _He seems to enjoy sweets a lot…’_

“Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you…”

He raised his sight, looking at me curiously with his mouth full.

Should I ask..? He looks like he's in a good mood but still… it may ruin the moment…

“Um… nevermind…”

“ ‘S okay. You can ask me anything you want.”

“….anything?”

He nodded.

I still wasn't sure but…

“Then… Tell me, where is your family? I never saw your uncle even though this is his apartment… and it was really strange, when you got sick… why didn't you call someone? Your dad or... Mum?”

His cheerful smile faded. I knew this was a mistake…

“I’m sorry… you don't have to tell me stuff like that…”

“It's fine already, I told you, _you_ can ask me anything.”

He started jamming Egg Tarts in his mouth. I see, great…. Good job Guan Shan.

“I don't like to talk about my family much.”

“Why? I – I mean…you don't have to…”

I'm just making this worse….

He looked at me with mouthful and blank, serious expression.

“We're kinda… scattered. I don't really have someone like your mother to call for every small shit.”

“It wasn't small shit! You were in bad condition!”

He stayed silent for a while, still eating.

“I'm really glad you think that way.” He weakly smiled “But it's a different story with my family.”

He swallowed.

“You see, my uncle is away most of the time, often not even in this country, I don't have any relatives, and I don't think they put phone in graves. If she even has a grave anymore that is, probably got buried with junk after all this time.”

Oh.

_Oh._

“Shit, I'm sorry… I didn't know…”

“It’s okay.”

I felt terrible… but if I must say, even though he was obviously talking about his dead mother, he didn't show much compasion or sorrow for an abandoned son.

‘ _What? No… no, that's not right… he's probably just…’_

“And what about your dad? Why didn't you call him?”

He started laughing. “For what? So he can tell me to fuck off? Yeah, right. The only thing he'd be worried about is whether I'm drunk for calling him. I'd rather die than humilate myself like that.”

I stayed speechless. And what could I say to this? My heart was feeling strange… like it was writhing. And it really hurt. I felt such emphaty…

Living here alone, his uncle being abroad, his mother dead, his father…not here… with no relatives or friends…

“Isn't it lonely?” I spurted, not thinking what I was asking. Then realizing I said something so stupid…

He was staring at me, surprised by my question, and I wanted to die but then

He looked down and softly smiled

“Yeah… sometimes.”

‘ _Ah…’_

My heart strated beating like crazy, as if it wanted to jump out of my chest.

Seeing him make a face like that… I wanted to hug him so bad.

‘ _He seems like a different person.’_

I gripped my fists on my knees.

“Well, just so you know… you can call me any time… for anything… I mean, if you.. ever need something.”

He closed his eyes and his smile widened “Thanks, Redish, I really appreciate that~”

It was nothing like his usual smile he was putting around people in school or when he was mocking me with his evil grin on. This one was something I never saw before. It looked so…. Real. So pure. Making him look like a happy child who wanna start crying because someone gave him a lollipop.

It definitely made my heart feel strange.

We quietly finished dinner and got ready to bed. I (once again) couldn't bring myself to use his bathroom to shower. I don't know why, it just felt… strange. To be honest, I was afraid of what I may find in there. Luckily, I showered before I came here.

Those extra blankets and pillow he promised me… were surprisingly there! On his bed…

I sighed and bended over to get them, but something was slowing the process.

“Would you stop staring at my ass so ‘discretly'?”

“I don't know what you're talking about.”

“Yeah, right. Pervert.”

I tried to ignore him and take the blanket, when I felt an arm on my back, going under my t-shirt.

“Hey – “ I turned around and faced him, still holding my blanket. We were only few inches away.

‘ _So close…’_

My heart started bumping again and his dark eyes locked me in the room of 1000 degrees.

We were looking at each other like that for some time, getting closer and closer, until our lips connected.

It started as a gentle kiss, but with each second it turned into something more. My racionality was telling me I shouldn't do this, but my body wasn't listening.

I dropped the blanket and put my hands around his neck, his own around my waist, traveling up and down across my back under my shirt.

I put my hands down, under his shirt, feeling his strong abs, thinking ‘how the fuck can someone be so perfect'. I seriously don't belive we're the same age…

We suddenly fell down on the mattress, but that didn't stop us. His kisses were becoming more passionate, and his touch so hot. I was melting underneath him…

“ _Ah…”_ I let out a small gasp as he disconnected our lips, putting them lower, starting from my neck and finishing on my stomac to a dangerously low zone, then going back up. He licked the sensitive spot behind my ear, giving me chills.

I started pulling his shirt up, feeling each part of his muscular body under my palms. He smelled so good… He always did. He has that strong, nice, manly scent that would make every woman drop on their knees and beg “Fuck me mister”. I'm dead serious. I don't know what the fuck is he using, but it sure is working it's magic.

Everything was great until the moment he tried to pull my pants down. I knew I shouldn't, but my brain turned the red alarm up, and I stopped him.

“W – Wait…” I tried to catch a breath. I knew this was annoying him to bits, but I just couldn't bring myself to relax and let him…….. Let him do something like _that_ to me…

“It's okay. You just need to relax.” He tried to kiss me again but I put a palm against his mouth.

“Wait!” I pushed him a bit and used my elbows to get up.

“I'm sorry but something like that… I don't think I can…”

I'm such a jerk… Embarrassing myself like this…

“Maybe I better go – “

“Hey.” I tried to get off the bed but he grabbed my wrist.

“Please don't run away.” He put the back of my hand on his cheek gently. “I promise I won't hurt you.”

I couldn't look at him. My face was red as a pepper, I could fucking feel it. So I tried to concentrate on the wall in the dark and kept telling myself to calm down.

“You….don't understand…” I swallowed hard. “I’ve… I've never done this before… with anyone… not even a girl…”

“So you're telling me you're a complete virgin?” He chuckled.

I blushed even harder and turned around.

“D - DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT!”

Ah.

Crap. I looked at him.

Now I can officially die…

“B – Besides…” I looked away “Doing that with you… would be the same as acknowledging I'm yours.”

‘ _What am I saying…’_

“I see.” He grinned. “Then…” He turned his head and put my fingers in his mouth, sucking and licking between my index and middle finger “I look forward to that.” He smiled again.

_Oh. My. God._

“A…. You…” I tried to say something, but couldn’t come up with any comment.

“Hm?” With one quick move, he put a hand around my waist and placed me onto his lap “Don’t worry Princess, you won't be the first one who got their virginity stolen by me~”

“I know that…” Yet the thought pissed me off so much and I don't know why…

“I’m just kidding.”

“You’re not.”

He started getting closer. “And what if I'm not? Is that pissing you off?”

‘ _Yeah, right.’_ I wanted to answer, but instead I stayed silent, because that would be a lie…

He was getting closer and closer until our lips were barely touching, and I backed off a bit.

“If… If it hurts, I'm never gonna forgive you.” I said blushing, and he looked at me in disbelief, like he wasn't expecting an approval after all, but when he realized it was real, he widened his lips into a grin, and kissed me.

I still didn't know if it was a right choice, and I was still a little afraid, but eventually I had to admit to myself – I wanted He Tian as much as he wanted me.

I felt his hands wandering across the skin on my back, following the line of my spine up and all the way down, pulling my pants down with them.

We fell back on the mattress again, his tongue lowering to my nipples, licking and sucking hardly on them, making me squirm. I gripped my teeth to stop my voice from coming out. I don't know why something like this felt so good… I always thought it was a way to please a woman.

He kept getting lower and bit the area right between my hip and my manhood. That sight was something you don't see everyday… It made me blush harder and wanting to ask him what the heck is he doing, but I was cut off as I felt warm mouth around my most intimate zone.

“ _Ha!”_ I gasped and tilted my head back on the pillow in surprise and pleasure.

“No…. way… ah! W – Wait!” He sucked me hard and I couldn't stop the loud noise my throath let out. Whatever the heck he was doing it felt damn good…

I was seriously starting to doubt his words about never sleeping with another guy before. I mean, you can't be this good at something like _this_ without having to fuck some ass before.

I put my hand on his head, gently pulling surprisingly soft hair as he made his movements up and down and all the way around, taking me back to the dark dimension I travelled into once before, and even deeper.

“Ah – Wait!” I curled my toes into white sheets “Don't – _Ah! I'm - I'm going to….”_

Fortunately, he spared me having to finish the sentence and brought his head back up, liking his lips and smirking.

“Already at the edge? Aren't you a bit fast... Didn't you get sucked off before?”

I groaned. “I told you – I never had sex before!”

“That isn't sex.”

“Then what the hell is it eh?!”

“It's a blowjob.”

He didn't let me continue the chit-chat as he placed himself above me, pulling his shirt off slower than necessary…. But I couldn't really complain. I swallowed hard, absorbing his beautiful body in my mind again, letting my eyes wander at every next inch the shirt left bare.

He got closer down until our foreheads were barely touching, looking me right in the eyes.

“Touch me.” He ordered, as if he was giving me instructions on how to have sex, but I somehow felt that was more his uncontrollable lust by now…

Though I still felt hella embarrassed, I slipped my hand down his stomach and started undoing the zipper rather slowly…

‘ _Heh, this is a payback you motherfucker.'_

He let out a gasp of relief as I grabbed his length. Must've been hard holding all that pressure in…

And _fuck he is huge._

_‘He… he doesn't really plan on putting that …. Thing in me, does he..?’_

I felt it thobbing a bit in my hand. Oh well… He was good boy until now, I can pay him back the favor of ‘relising pressure’.

I started moving my hand and he dropped his head on my shoulder making small but hearable noises as I touched him.

I did this to myself only when necessary… I really didn't have time to spare at home, and I didn't have a computer at home either, so sexual education such as porn movies and else weren't really something I did as often as my friends. I'm lucky that I'm a guy too, so I know where good spots are. He seems to really enjoys it though….

“W – Wait” He gripped my wrist “That’s enough…”

I smirked. “Hm, who's the fast one now?”

“I'm not the fast one. This usually doesn't happen…”

“Oh?” But why not get revenge for everything right now? Who knows when I'd be getting another chance. I tightened my grip on him harder, and I do not mean harder as in gently harder, but as in hard enough to make every normal male squirm in pain and suffering, but instead he cambered his back and let out a loud gasp as he came all over my stomach.

…..

‘ _What the holy fu…’_

We stayed silent for a while, me looking at him, and him catching a breath. He was still hard as a stone.

“…JESUS YOU'RE SICK!” I spurted, honestly dead serious but only made him laugh.

“You could say I got a thing for pain.” He grinned.

“YEAH THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED!”

He pressed his groin against mine and slided across my body, making me gasp again.

“You're so complicated. Just shut up already.” Then he lifted one hand and put it under the pillow, pulling out something gelly and funny colour in round plastic tube.

“W – What is that…”

“It's lubricant duh.” He said totally calmly as he sipped the gelly liquid onto his fingers, stretching it between them.

‘ _Duh?! And who the hell keeps lubricant under their fucking pillow?!’_

He looked at me and sighed, as if he saw my confusion. “Don’t worry, it's just to help you stretch. Unless I probably won't be able to put it in you know?”

“Probably?!?”

‘ _T – to p-p-p-pu-'_

“Spread your legs and hold them up.”

“WHA – “ I blushed, but he didn't wait for me to get my mind together, and he pushed my legs up, sipping the gelly liquid all over my lower parts. I shiverd a bit.

“Ah, sorry is it cold?”

“Ngh… A little…”

He used his hand to hold my tight up and his own tight as a support for my other leg, putting his fingers in a place I never even thought could be used for that too…

“Does it hurt?”

I shook my head. “It just… feels weird…”

He started rubbing inside a bit harder, carefully pushing his second then third finger in, stretching my muscles. It felt so… Odd… And really hot…

He pushed his fingers in deeper, then suddenly his fingertips pressed against something soft and it made me lose my fucking mind.

I slapped a hand against my own mouth in embarrassment from the loud gasp I just made.

“Shit what was that?!”

He smirked. “Heh just something that'll make this easier for you.”

He rubbed in a few more times before pulling his fingers out and lifting my legs up a bit more.

“I’m putting it in.”

It made me realize how realistic the situation was.

“WAIT – ALREADY?! I'M STILL NOT – _AH!”_

I lost my breath as he pushed himself in me, almost tearing me apart. My eyes watered and my sight got blurry.

 _Fuck_ it _hurts like hell…._

“Shit… you're tight…”

I made a small whimper and covered my eyes with my hands. “Please… it… hurts….”

He clicked his tongue and gripped my jaw with his hand, leaning down to kiss me again.

“You have to trust me. Relax, okay?” He said softly as he parted our lips. He was so caring… I belive it must be hard for him to hold it in, after all those ‘signals’ of his pure lust, after everything I saw in his eyes and knew it was still there. And yet he managed hold it in for my sake… My heart started bumping at this funny thought.

‘ _Stop thinking nonsense dammit…’_

Without any warnings he started moving, quickly catching steady pace. I wanted to act tough and stay silent, but I really couldn’t and it's not like he was trying to make it easier for me. With every move I made a short breath. Hearing my own voice was so weird and I knew I was gonna regret it later…

He started moving a bit faster and pushed harder, going deeper inside. He hit that weird spot again, and I swear every single hair on my body shivered, chills going through my spine from head to toes. But he didn't stop. He hit it again and again, erasing every doubt and memory of pain with each hit. My head was spinning, but it didn’t hurt. My eyes got completely blurry, and I let it go. Let my mind drop deeper into still untraveled galaxy that was so dark and so warm. A tear slided off my cheek and when I got tired of gripping the sheets I put my hands onto his back, sinking my nails in the pale skin there.

My voice was getting louder as I was getting closer to climax. He leaned in closer, spreading my legs a bit more in the process.

“Say my name.” He commanded in a low seductive voice.

‘ _Like hell imma do that…’_

I wanted to win this one, but he wasn't that stupid. He gripped my length _hard_ putting a block on my climax.

“AGH!” I screamed in pain, it truly hurt like a bitch.

“Say it.”

I bit my lower lip and in spite of being in pain, put on a determined look.

_No._

It just made him angrier and he started moving faster and hitting it harder, but he had no intention of slackening his grip _or_ backing down.

I could feel him getting bigger as I scratched his back, ripping the skin and leaving bloody marks. He was close too… I could tell.

Shit…

Fuck it all, I just wanna cum…

“ _Ah!”_ I stopped bitting my lip and let my voice out “He... _He Tian… ah! HE TIAN!”_

He bit his own lip and let go of me. After only few more hard trusts pleasure hit my whole body like a mini-shock and I came between our bodies. He followed soon after, filling me inside.

My breathing was still divided in short cuts as I was recovering from pleasant feeling that was still in fading process. He let go of my legs and let his sweating body drop onto mine, without even pulling out. We stayed connected like that for some time, until he rolled over to the bed, lying next to me.

“So… did it hurt?” He suddenly asked with a grin.

“….a little.”

‘ _Fuck you'_ I thought ‘ _Like you don't already know the answer.’_

“I think it was incredible~”

“Yeah?” I put a hand on my forehead “I bet it was nothing compared to your previous experience.”

“I wouldn't say that. In fact, I'd say this is the best sex I ever had.”

“Even thought I am… _was_ a virgin?”

“That's what made it this good~” He kissed me on the cheek and I put my palm on the place he kissed, blushing.

“Just…. Let me sleep.” I turned to the other side and covered myself with sheets completely.

‘ _We just fucked and I got embarrassed by small kiss like that wtf…’_

“Alright.” He snuggled under sheets with me and put an arm around me, hugging me from behind “Good night Princess~”

⭐⭐⭐

I woke up in empty bed. The fucking sunlight burned my eyes through those enormous windows.

‘ _Ugh Imma buy him fucking curtains next time…’_

“En… Where are my clothes..?”

“In the washer. Will you make breakfast?”

I literally jumped. My heart was beating like crazy.

“JESUS CHRIST WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT?!”

I put a hand on my chest trying to calm down. He Tian stood in his grey sweat-pants and only a towel around his neck. He gave me a confused look.

“So will you make breakfast?”

I looked at him angrily.

“Can I at least shower first you pig? What time is it anyway..?”

“It’s 10 am.”

“WHAT?!?!?” I jumped and checked my phone. It was 10.15 am.

“AHH I HAD WORK TODAY! FUCK!” I slumped my head on the mattress. “WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP???”

“What does it matter? You can skip one day.”

“I don't think you understand – “

“I do. Don't worry, if you get short I can lend you some.”

“…like hell I will ever accept that…”

“Well go explain why are you late to your boss then. Say ‘I’m sorry my boyfriend fucked me so hard last night I needed time to recover'~” He said with a wide smile.

I blushed.

‘ _Like hell imma do that either.’_

Yeah, fuck it. One day or two… won't make much difference. I'm working for minimum there anyway.

On his perstistant demanding, I had to make breakfast _before_ going to shower. How can someone be so damn selfish…

“It smells like heaven~”

“It’s only waffles with honey, though even that is probaly science for you, knowing your cooking skills.”

I was getting this uncomfortable gelly feeling between my legs with every move I made.

“Um… you… don't have any sexual transmitting diseases do you?” I randomly asked.

“What?”

That made an awkwardly long silence. He just looked at me like I was a complete idiot.

“I was just asking…”

“Why the fuck would I – “

“ _I KNOW_ okay I said I was only asking… sorry…”

I sat beside him. I can use some food too before shower when I think about it…

“Seriously, where did you get that idea from.”

“Nowhere. I know it's stupid. I just read that shit like how bad it can get like not only with infections, but if not careful also to surgery and – “

“………”

“………….”

“…..um….forget – “

“Pfff” Too late. He bursted into laugh.

 “Are you telling me you _read_ on how to have sex?!”

“S – SHUT UP! I TOLD YOU I WAS A VIRGIN AND I DON'T HAVE A PC AT HOME SO I – “

“Waitwaitwaitwait are you telling me you read on how to have sex _from a book? OH MY GOD”_ He started curling up and he put hands on his stomach. And I was literally dying.

“ _WAIT OH GOD MY STOMACH HURTS… YOU’RE UNBELIEVABLE!”_ He laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

“FUCK YOU! I'M NEVER LETTING YOU DO THAT AGAIN!!!”

“Waitwait sorry ahahaha sorry I didn't mean it like that…” He tried to look serious, but I could see he was still laughing.

“STOP LAUGHING DAMMIT!” My cheek got bright red colour and I was falling through the ground all the way to hell, inch by inch. “I got scared okay!!! So I just… needed to do some research! Besides…” I turned my head in other direction “I didn't want to be the stupid one you know….”

I think I just made it worse. This was so embarrassing.

His smile softened and he patted my head “Don’t worry I'm healthy. But if you need to be sure, I'll use a condom next time.”

I don't know why I felt even more awkward after that one…

“Who said there will be next time.”

“I did.”

“Oh and who are you to tell me?”

“Your boyfriend.”

He simply blowed me down just like that.

_Oh…right… I have a boyfriend…_

The hot shower was the best thing that happened to me ‘till now.

I tried not to think about last night, because if I did, I'd probably just kill myself of overthinking.

White thick liquid leaked down my thighs as I sat in the bathtub.

‘ _Ugh……….’_

Right… How the hell am I gonna clean that…?

I'm so gonna kill him if I get any infection or some shit from this…

As I was walking past the mirror, I saw myself for the first time after like two days or something. I was covered in bruises and love marks all over, mostly around area of my neck and back… and thighs. Was this there before or…? Please tell me I didn't go through school like this…

I put my hand on my neck, covering big bruise there with my palm.

‘ _So this is it…’_ I thought and pressed the bruise a bit, feeling the pain and rough skin covered in teeth marks.

‘ _I aknoweledged him. I officially belong to He Tian now.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND IT HAPPENED. *DUN DUN DUUUUN* xD oKAY but I'll have to shorten this ch so much on Wattpad 'cuz I don't wanna be blocked again. Hope you enjoyed reading, if so leave kudos bookmark comment blah blah... thank you for support! Really, I've been able to feel better after that block on Wattpad thanks to my readers and all the positive comments of support, I'm really glad to see that you're on the dark side with me against them :,) sounded so wrong but oh well if you haven't realized I'm Satan I'm tellin' you now *smirks*
> 
> Also, *Hong Kong Egg Tarts - it's a type of chinese sweets, they look like small pies, or a kind of a custard tart with crust and some mixed ingredients with egg in the middle. If this wasn't enough here http://themixingbowlhk.com/system/baking_classes/images/000/000/111/medium/Egg_Tart.png?1432202445 or just see that right away I guess :D


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH FRIDAY FINALLY BDHBVOERF
> 
> Hahaha okay... and also omg I evn got 100+ kudos now... thank u guys ur the best! Also, get back on the beggining of first ch, if u need a reminder... well... enjoy reading~!

_‘So this is it…’ I thought and pressed the bruise a bit, feeling the pain and rough skin covered in teeth marks._

_‘I aknoweledged him. I officially belong to He Tian now.’_

⭐⭐⭐

And that's the story. That's how I turned from human being to someone's belonging. I'm not sure if  that was the best thing in my life, or my biggest mistake.

I was sure it was both.

After that we became, as they call it, a true couple.

And only then I was getting to know both sides of He Tian's personality.

He could be such a sweety. I was surprised at how cuddling and childish he can be. He loved hugging me so hard my bones hurt afterwards (I suspect he does that on purpose…). He also has a big sweet tooth, and some strange habits… for example, when we are sittting in his apartment or at some restaurant and he got into his world, he'd make small circles on my hand with his finger. He is so happy whenever I cook for him, he acts like he never ate a home-cooked meal… well maybe he didn't… He didn't have a mother after all…

He is a pretty messy guy though. He always looked and was clean and tidy, and all of his clothes looked like some stuff from magazine… but he never even bothers to fold them, or to clean after himself.

Despite his cute side, he had his other side, which is much darker. And The Other He Tian is a true sadist. I'm not even kidding.

I knew our first time was too good to be truth. He was so gentle probably to make me relax and trust him. And I really appreciate that he did that. I should just have known it wouldn't stay that way.

On my bad days I needed a drink, a big warm hug and some sleep.

On He Tian's bad days he needed to see suffer and pain, or rather – to _cause_ them. Pretty creepy I know right?

It wasn't _that_ bad though, it could feel pleasant. It depended on how _bad_ his mood actually was.

At first it was innocent vanilla sex, but from time to time he'd come up with crazy ideas and asked to use some strange toys and things on me. Of course I disagreed most of the time, but when he was in his mode he didn't even ask for premission. Once it was so bad I needed stitches and bandages to cover everything up, and I had to use dozens of crèmes to heal. I was so angry and scared and I banned him from ever doing that again. Of course, he'd apologize, but he never showed that he really felt sorry or regreted what he had done.

Rarely when I managed to get away with just talk, making him open himself to me so he can feel at ease. It could work after small fights at school, or some crazy guys only an idiot like him would have balls to get in fight with, but _never_ with his dad. If that even was his dad…. I didn't dare ask. From time to time he'd get those strange phone calls that made him angry like hell in a minute, and he always needed to break something afterwards, be it wall or me.

At first I was going through hell, mostly mentally but physically too, but later I faced that there was no other way, and simply started using pain pills. I kept telling myself that was for his good, for him, every time it hurt more than it should.

He also didn't give a fuck where or when it was, when he needed it he's gonna do it.

So one day at school, as soon as I saw his face in the hallway I knew I was in trouble. His jaw was clenched, his brows fured and his eyes dark as coal.

“Wanna skip next class with me?” He asked hopefully, but I already knew what my answer should be.

“….yeah..sure.”  

‘ _Where are they… Please tell me I didn't forget to pack them…’_

“Hey Momo whatcya lookin' for?” asked a guy, a friend from my class, leaning behind my back.

“Oh uh…” I closed my bag “Nothing…”

“You’re so weird lately, are you okay?” He made a concerned expression.

“….yeah, I'm fine. It's just work. Can be exhausting ya know.” I threw a bag over my shoulder, gripping a pack of pain pills in my pocket.

Oh thank God I _did_ pack them…

I lied the teacher I wasn't feeling well and asked to go to the nurse’s office. She wasn't really pleased to hear that I’ll be skipping again, but I promised I'd come back before end of the class.

The hallway was empty since classes were still lasting and everyone was in their classrooms.

Well everyone except me and…

“Yo.” I said as I came across He Tian in the empty hallway. He still held the same expression.

“….so um… Wheeere do you wanna go? I know some places near school, like 10-15 mins away, we can get there and back fast enough – “

He gripped my hand and started pulling me through the hallway. Looks like I won't be getting away with chitchat this time…

“H – Hey can you slow down a bit? We don't need to hurry that much – OW!” His grip was so strong, it _hurt._

“Gh… L – Let go of me! I can walk myself!”

No answer. His grip only tightened.

“SERIOSLY YOU'RE GONNA BREAK MY ARM!”

With one quick move he pushed me in the nearest boys room, slowly closing the door after him.

I gripped my own arm, caressing it, trying to make the pain fade a bit.

“Are you an idiot?!?! It really hurts you didn't have to do that!!!!”

Without even reacting to my yelling, he started approaching me and I twiched.

He grabbed my face with both his hands and kissed me passionately.

I started struggling a little which only made his hold tightened, his hands lowering to my waist, bringing me closer. I was desperately crumpling his shirt, still trying to fight it.

“ _Hah..._ ” My breathing got short as he parted our lips. I pushed him away.

“A – Are you kidding me?!?!? We're in _school!!!”_

“So?” He approached me again.

“ _So?!?!?_ What if someone comes in?!?!?”

“Again, so?”

He didn't give me time to answer as he pushed me in one toilet cabin, not very gently.

I didn't even separate myself from cold wall when his body pressed against mine from the back, his fingers finding their way to my mouth.

“Suck.” He ordered next to my ear.

I obediently started licking and sucking his fingers as they were getting deeper into my mouth, touching the back of my throat. I thought I was either going to throw up or drown.

Saliva was dripping from both corners of my mouth and I felt the chills in my legs as my pants were pulled down.

He pushed his fingers in and I was very thankful to God that his mood was good enough to even bother stretching me first. I tried to concentrate on my breathing and stay silent.

He pulled a condom out of his pocket, and used his teeth to open the tiny plastic bag with one quick move. And I don't know why the hell he put it on _me…_ but the touch of his hand was just making it harder.

‘ _One, two, three, in, out, one…’_ I repeated in my head to keep on steady breathing as a fucking pregnant woman that was about to give birth.

He didn't waste a lot of time on preparation, and his fingers were shortly after replaced with something much harder. He pushed it in pretty roughly and a loud gasp accidentally slipped my throat. No matter how hard I tried to practice, as soon as he'd push it in it was all over. He Tian wasn't a gentle person, and he _loved_ hearing me. More of a reason why I hate it.

And now here we are, fucking in a damn _school restroom._

_“Ah!”_

I felt like a damn whore. This was humiliating…

 _Dammit!_ How did _we_ end up like this?! To think that this guy… that I'm suppost to hate... After everything he'd done…

“You seem to enjoy this more than I thought you would.” He Tian pulled my waist harder against his hips and I couldn't hold my voice back anymore.

“Shu…t up!” I gripped my fists harder against the wall. There was that feeling again… It was undescribable. Positive and negative. Something between pain and pleasure, both constantly fighting for the lead. I wasn't sure how I should feel about that…

But there was no going back now. I already became like this. And it's his fucking fault.

Despite my determination, my voice kept getting louder as he rocked his hips into me.  

“Hey don't be so loud, someone might hear you.”

_‘You think I wanna be this loud?!’_

“Whos… fault… do you think that is you bastard…”

It's all…

“Hmm…” He made a short pause “Then we have no choice.” He rolled my shirt up to my face and placed it in my mouth. “There~ All better and save.” And he started moving again, even rougher than before.

_His fault!_

Saliva was drenching the shirt I was bitting. _My_ shirt. If it gets ripped I'm gonna fuck him next time…

I found it extremely hard to breathe like this, even though the shirt was doing the trick, muffling my gasps into low, cut breaths.

I was starting to scratch the wall, dragging my hands down slowly, like I was trying to concentrate on pain in my nails rather than ….down there.

I could feel his lustful gaze on my body and his grip tightening on my waist. I really felt... exposed like this. Which was giving me mixed feeling of embarrassment and excitement.

Unable to hold it in anymore, I relaxed my jaw and dropped drenched shirt outta my mouth as I came with a loud gasp. He followed shortly after, leaving bloody marks in my waist with his nails.

The strength in my legs betrayed me and I almost fell down, but fortunately he caught me, hugging me tightly from behind.

“Are you okay?”

My legs were suddenly so weak I was sure if he just moved his hands I would hit the floor.

“Y – Yeah…”

‘ _I was about to ask you the same thing…’_

He rubbed his head on my shirt and took a long, deep breath.

“You smell so good…” He mumbled into the white fabric of my shirt, rubbing his head against my back once again.

His muscles weren't so tensed anymore.

I guess he calmed down now…

⭐⭐⭐

I have no idea how I went to class after that.

Actually I didn't. I gave up after a while of fighting between questions like ‘What is more important: education or my own pride?’

Yeah, fuck education.

I understand that condom kept my clothes clean, but that didn't change a fact that _he_ didn't put a condom on. So whatever was… in me after that, stayed there...

And I feel hella uncomfortable and awkward walking through school with that between my legs, constantly thinking if it was visible…

I couldn’t even sit straight. I couldn't sit at all. Nor could I stand…

Now I understand why girls are so cautious on their period. I feel like I'm in those days.

Now what do I do… How am I gonna explain to mum why am I home early again…. She's gonna kill me…

But I can't go anywhere with sperm leaking between my hips so YOLO.

Guess luck looked at me this time.

Mum wasn't home. She must've gone to shopping or something.

Great now I can clean myself and get out on time without any consequences!

If I wasn't me that is…

After I cleaned all the evidence, just when I was about to leave mum opened the door with me, only from other side.

“Guan Shan?”

Crap.

“…..h..hi mum..”

“Why are you home?! Shouldn’t you be at school? Did something happen?!” She made concerned expression.

“No mum everything's fine I just…um… came to… pick some stuff I forgot for my project…”

“Are you skipping again?”

I stayed silent for a long time. I didn't have a heart to lie to her, but I couldn't tell her the truth either.

So I just passed beside her without a word, and ran out.

I'm so gonna be scolded for this…

But how can I tell her? This way is better. Or easier. Either way…

I know who _I_ am gonna kill for this!

That bastard! How dare he humilate me like that?! Does he think I'm his whore or something!?

But where can I find him? And where do I go now? It's not like I can go back to school, nor can I go home…

Wait. There is _one_ place he'd go to when he's upset. Well… even if he's not there, I will have some peace and quiet to clear my mind.

⭐⭐⭐

You’d expect that one special place to be some nice isolated area like big green field, dark shield under some tree or abandoned stairs in school. Well not precisely….

This is He Tian we're talking about. Did you really expect some nice green field?

A place that was giving him a peace of mind matched his own ‘peace of mind' – force. Whatever he did he had to use force. In any way.

I headed to abandoned gym in the back of the school. It was a gym yes, but hardly who bothered to visit if it wasn't P.E. class.

I could already hear noises coming from it and I knew he was there, ‘cuz nobody else would go here…

I slowly reached the big red door and opened it trying to make minimal noise, because I didn't know what was his mood now...

And what I saw there was more than I expected.

He Tian was there of course, with his loving headphones in his ears, dressed in sport shorts and sleeveless shirt, his whole body and clothes covered in sweat, his hands wrapped in some weird supporting gloves for boxing that covered everything but his fingers. He was punching a punching-bag, every next punch harder and filled with pure anger more than previous. He kept punching it harder and harder until his anger grew into a loud groan and one final punch send the bag on the other side of the gym, literally breaking it, and sand started leaking onto the floor.

I can't believe it…

That shit has at least 100 pounds…

My eyes were back at him again. He just stared at the dead punching-bag, breathing fast and heavily. He didn't seem to notice me yet… He lifted his shirt and used it as a towel for his sweaty forehead, showing his hard and perfectly shaped muscles in the process.

I swallow hard, my heart bumping faster. Fuck….

If he wasn't a Greek God in his previous life then I don't know.

He noticed me only after he pulled his headphones out of his ears, and his face changed from pure ager to his usual grinning expression.

“Yo~” He waved and started approaching me “And I thought I was the only one who visits this place at this time. Ya here to work out?”

I really tried to not-be-a-jerk and look him in the eyes, even though my own eyes were trying to search on his body “Not really… I just figured you'll be here so…”

“Ah, so you came to see me? Why that's so sweet of you~”

“Fuck off don't take this the wrong way. I just wanted to see you so I can tell you that I won't be able to come to your place this weekend.”

“That’s too bad. And why is that?” He started going to the changing room, and I don't know why, followed him.

“Because I think mum will want to have a talk when I come home today…”

“Haha spending time with your mother like a good boy~” He started taking those weird gloves off and then his shirt too.

“It’s not like that! It's all because of you, you jerk!” I put every effort into trying to stay angry and not let my sexual frustration win over me while he kept undressing himself.

“Me?” He asked with innocent looks.

“Don't play it now! I actually came here to tell you this! Are you aware that I wasn't able to go to class after today?! I understand by now that your exigencies are frequent, but you can't just fuck me whenever and wherever the fuck you want! It's not fair! I'm the one bearing pain here for you, and you're just using it senselessly!!! How can you be such a jerk?! And if mum came home only a little earlier today and caught me – “

I didn't even realize when he approached me. I took a few steps back and bumped into metal lockers behind. He put his hand on the locker, right next to my head and leaned in closer to my face. My eyes unconsciously slided down, and I realized he was completely naked. When did he do that…. I didn't even realize…

Now that I think about it, this is the first time I can see him this clearly. When we have sex it's usually either dark or he's behind so you get the point…

Sure, I touched him, but this was different… the bright light in the changing room danced across his body, shadows highlighting his mucles and sweat from work-out giving them a smooth tv-like appearance, even down there….

“I don't hear you complaining much for an angry girlfriend.” His smirk brought me back to reality and I looked him in the eyes again. He was so close the tip of his nose was touching mine.

I wanted to yell, but I lost my voice as he put his index finger under my chin, gently pulling his thumb across my bottom lip. I felt heat in my cheeks spread all the way to my ears, and I gripped my hands covered in cold sweat into grips.

Every time….

Only he can do this to me. Only _he_ can drive me crazy in a minute and turn me silent in a second with one simple move. Only he can make my heart beat like I was going to have a heart attack and turn my cheeks red as my hair with a simple touch. And only he can make me feel hella stupid and embarrassed by the fact I knew was true but didn't want to admit… that he had control. That he _can_ do whatever he wants to me whenever he wants. And it drove me insane, but he knew it. Oh, he knew it.

“Cat ate your tongue honey?” I could feel his warm breath on my lips, but I plugged my brain in right wire and came back to racional path.

_No._

I turned my head and pushed him away.

_I'm not losing this one._

“You know what, fuck you.” And I had to leave before he makes another move and wins.

And here I thought I could talk with him….

Yeah right. I'm lucky I didn't get my pants dropped again.

‘ _Jerk…’_

And of course, as I predicted, mum was waiting for me with her hands folded on her chest at the front door.

“Do you know what time is it?! School is far over! Where have you been?!”

I sighed. Well, there is no excaping now. Especially from _her…_ She was like a detective whenever her senses would go on red alarm.

“Ma'… can I at least come in?”

She still had her angry expression and stayed quiet for a while, but then she moved to the side, making space at the entrance.

“Come in. Even though I shouldn't let you. You could as well sleep on some bench instead of coming home to dead worried mother.”

I did not answer because I knew that would just make it worse, but I ignored her scolding and went past her into our apartment.

Of course I got scolded even more afterwards. We just sat there in the living room for hours while she was going from an angry monster to worried mother figure and said this and that, while I just nodded my head and acted like I was truly sorry, answering with ‘yes’ and ‘no' from time to time. From my experience, the best way of dealing with her was if you just stay obedient and act like you regret everything you did, no matter if it's true or not. So I just promised her it won't happen next time.

I barely forced myself to go and shower before going to bed.

As I lied down, my phone rang. It was a message from The Bastard.

“ _Listen I'm sorry ‘bout today. I know I'm a fucking jerk it won't happen again I promise”_

I turned my phone off and slumped my head on the pillow again.

‘ _Yea you always promise…’_

Why did I ever got myself involved into this shit…

Being single is much easier. Even though I must admit relashionship has its charms.

Ahh this double life sucks…

And what am I gonna do about He Tian tomorrow when I see him at school?

Yeah, imma think of something… tomorrow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for leaving a comment kudos and bookmark, and also I decided not to answer to EVERY comment. 'Cuz... reasons. Idk I just feel stupid always sayin like ''thank u thank u!'' xD But if I don't answer that doesn't mean senpai didn't notice you! I read every comment dw. Again thank u! Hope you enjoyed~


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My best friend is in hospital, so I'm updating earlier this time to for him. He was my biggest support through all this and he's the one that encouraged me to publish my stories. So I can at least give him sth to read while he's lying there... You get better soon honey :,)
> 
>  
> 
> Also, Xuezhang* - in chinese it's an upperclassman, basically a senpai in japanese :D

_Why did I ever got myself involved into this shit…_

_Being single is much easier. Even though I must admit relashionship has its charms._

_Ahh this double life sucks…_

_And what am I gonna do about He Tian tomorrow when I see him at school?_

_Yeah, imma think of something… tomorrow._

⭐⭐⭐

I was actually happy that I didn't even have to try hiding or avoiding him because classes kept me busy enough and I didn't see him anywhere either. Well understandable, finals are coming so everyone is too busy to even breathe.

“Oi Momo wanna go play basketball?” Jia Zan, a guy from my class asked me.

“Nah I'll catch you later.” I waved to him and went to other direction.

As I stepped around the corner of the school hall I cought a glance of He Tian and immediately jumped back, hiding behind a wall.

It took me a few seconds to calm my crazy heartbeat down before deciding to peep behind my wall hideout.

‘ _Okay… I'll have to face him sooner or later…’_ Is what I thought, so if he makes a move I'll push him away again and make this clear once and for all.

Only when I looked again, I saw he wasn't alone. A short cute girl was standing in front of him with her arms folded strangely on her chest, blushing and looking at her feet.

What the….

Oh I see. So if he can't fuck me anymore, he's just gonna find some other bitch?

“Um…un… He Tian Xuezhang*…” She started dragging her leg left and right nervously “I – I really like you! I always have liked you! From the middle school when I met you… I always thought of you as something more then as upperclassmen and respected you!” She spurted all that in few seconds and bowed her head lower, as if she was waiting for an answer.

Oh wow… she confessed to him…

Must be very cool having a cute girl like this confess to you every day. Now I kinda get why he thinks so high of himself.

“Thank you, Mei Ying~” He smiled to her softly “I really appreciate your feelings”

What.

‘ _That motherf – ‘_

“But” He continued “I can't accept them. I'm sorry.”

My heart started beating faster again.

The girl opened her eyes in surprise and looked at him.

“W – Why..? Ah I mean – “

He started laughing “Sorry, is this not the kind of character you expected?”

“N – “ She started nervously waving her hands “Nononono I just – I heard – I didn't expect you to – “ She sounded like she didn't know what she was saying anymore, but he laughed again.

“Yeah I know what people talk, chill out~ You didn't expect me to decline your request right? But I'm not the right man for you honey.” He gave a weak smile and she blushed.

They stood like that silent for a while, and then she looked up at him again.

“Is there someone else?”

“Hahaha you think there must be someone else if I don't want to be in relationship with you?”

She blushed even harder “No it wasn't suppost to sound like that!”

He laughed again and then his expression softened “Yeah, there is someone else.”

My heart was beating like it was about to jump out of my chest anytime now. I gripped my fists on the wall.

“Ah… Sorry I didn't know…” She looked a bit surprised and disappointed at the same time, but she bowed her head and said “She must be very happy to have you.”

“Actually, it's the opposite.” He patted her head and smiled softly “Don’t worry, with such a cute face you'll find someone soon enough~” And with that he left, passing by her, and then me too (thank God) without noticing my presence.

And I just stood there, frozen, crouching behind the wall.

And put my hand on my mouth.

I could hear my own pulse bumping in my ears.

‘ _Stop it dammit…’_

The girl stood there too for some time before going back to class.

I needed some time before realizing that I was late for class again, and that I better not give the teacher a reason to call my mother and make her lock me in the house forever. I already had enough shit with that last night.

I felt so stupidly happy about what just happened and despite me telling myslef to stop being a shoujo sponge my heart couldn't stop bumping in my ears.

I couldn't even concentrate in class and I didn't pay any attention on teacher's scolding. All I was thinking about was him.

‘ _He rejected such a cutie because of me…’_

Of course he did dammit. If he didn't I wouldn't waste a second to jump out and kill him right there. But I was a little surprised by his answer… Guess I _am_ one of those stereotypic people who judge by appearance and stories they overhear.

“Hey, watch where you're going!” a girl from my class yelled as I bumped into her accidentally.

“Ah, sorry.”

She gave me a strange look. That was unexpected even for me…

I'd usually answer back or say something rude, but my mood was too good right now to bother ruining it.

I wandered in school hall aimlessly, thinking what the heck is wrong with me lately.

I really tried taking my mind of The Bastard, but it was near impossible, and like destiny was tryin' to punish me I spotted him with some friends few meters away.

And he saw me.

Fuck.

Fuck.

No.

Please. I'm not ready.

The bell rang and people around were starting to disappear. I don't know why didn't I use a chance and fade in the mass when I could. But I just stood there hammered to the floor like an idiot.

I saw him say something to his friends and wave to them before turning in my direction.

When he was sure everyone left the hall except us, he started approaching me. I swallowed hardly but still couldn't move.

He approached me in few big steps.

“Why didn't you answer me yesterday? I send you a text.”

I put my best effort to sound angry but honestly I was failing before I started...

“I didn't get it…”

“Really? I was pretty sure it was send.”

“Well my phone is pretty old-fashioned. Must be coincidence.”

I can win a prize for The Worst Liar in History.

I twiched as he got closer and reached his hand out for me.

‘ _He… he's gonna punch me…’_

I shut my eyes tightly expecting the worst.

But he put his hand on my head and gently planted his lips on my forehead.

‘ _…Huh?’_

I opened my eyes in surprise. He looked at me with soft expression and smiled.

“Thank God, I thought you were mad at me.” He patted my hair and I felt my cheeks turn warmer.

“I didn't see you today I was afraid you were avoiding me again. I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry if I did something that made you feel uncomfortable. I was just really moody that day and… it won't happen again I promise. ‘Kay?”

I opened my mouth to say something but not a word came out, so I just nodded like a child.

“See you later then~” He gave me another smile and patted my hair once again before disappearing like others.

And I still stood there frozen and put my hand on the place he just kissed.

See that's what I'm talking about. How can such an asshole be such a sweetie sometimes? He acts like a jerk 90% of the time, and just when I get mad at him, he does some cute shit like this…. And it goes in circle.

I couldn't even remember what I was mad about anymore. Honestly.

“Fucking jerk… He thinks he can fool me – “ as I turned around to go to class I heard a loud bang.

When I opened my eyes there were some books on the floor.

I looked up and saw the person who just dropped them. A short girl with mouth opened and face so pale that I swear it was almost blue.

A girl. No. _The_ girl. It was the girl from before. The one that confessed to He Tian just before last class.

And she just stood there like that, looking at me, and I stood there, looking at her.

…

‘ _Crap.’_

“A – Ah um…. That... What you just saw… it wasn't ….it's not what it looks like – “

But she ran without letting me finish.

“WAIT! PLEASE!” I started following her but lost her after first corner.

I still tried to catch a glance of her, with a fail of course, and then I just crouched, putting my hands behind my head, regretting my life.

‘ _Why does this shit always happen to me…’_

⭐⭐⭐

“WHY?! BUT WHY?!” I was shouting through He Tian's kitchen “SHE SAW IT I KNOW SHE DID! AND WHAT CHANCES ARE THERE, WHEN IT WAS TIME FOR CLASS…AND OF ALL PEOPLE, _SHE_ HAD TO SEE IT!” I almost dropped plates I was holding.

“Calm down. And how do you mean, would someone else seeing it be okay?”

I twiched and stayed silent for a moment.

Oh. Right. He doesn't know I saw it…

“Uh…no… just… because I recognized her… she's from class next to mine I think?”

“I don't know. She doesn't seem familiar to me.” He played with chopsticks and leftovers from his plate.

“I think I heard about her. She's on bad voice thought… I don't know why.” I tried to take him away from the topic ‘cuz I knew I'd fuck up and blab myself out if he asked one more question about her.

“And don't play with that.” I took a plate from his hold and put it in the sink to wash it. He puffed his cheeks up like a child trying to look angry but honestly it was rather cute.

“On the other hand, I see _you_ are really concerned about this issue.” I sarcastically said and put my arms on the sides of my waist like a nagging women.

“It's not an issue, so why would I be concerned.”  He asked rhetorically.

“ _Not an issue?!_ What if she tells someone?!?!”

“So?”

“ _So?!?!_ I don't believe you! Aren't you concerned about your reputation?!?” I tried to make him see the importance of it.

“Meh, I don't give a fuck about my reputation. They are the one who made it.” He remained uninterested.

I clenched my fists “Well even if you don't give a fuck it is an issue for me! I'm already on bad voice  and if this spreads through school I seriously won't be able to step out of my house anymore!!! How can you be so calm?!? Do you have any idea how – and _oh my god_ if it somehow comes to my mother…” I started thinking of all the worst possible scenarios. Maybe I was overdoing it, but again it's all possible. People are not very polite with homosexuals.

I was already bitting my nails without even realizing it because my pessimistic thoughts were the only thing that was occupating me right now.

“Hey.” He Tian approached me and put a hand around me, bringing me closer to himself “Stop worring so much. She won't tell anyone, trust me. None would believe her anyway. And if she by chance does tell someone, I won't let it spread. Okay?”

He looked at me with serious expression and pressed me against his chest. Somehow that small action cleared my worries in a moment and I felt my heart beating slower as I was calming down. I could hear his steady heartbeat and I relaxed my body and rested my head against his chest.

“Okay… thanks…” I hate to admit it, but I loved when he gets protective like this. It makes me feel so safe and warm.

“Sorry… I overreacted… I guess I'm just scared… this is all new to me…”

He caressed his hand against my back “It’s okay. You don't have to apologize.”

I closed my eyes and put my own hands around his waist. The more I was getting to know the ‘relationship stuff' the more I realized how clingy I actually am. But what can I say, a hug could always fix everything for me. Or at least calm me down. Dammit I hate my girly logic sometimes.

We stayed connected like that for long time, and I really enjoyed it. That was until He Tian…

“So will we fuck now or..?”

..was back to being He Tian again.

“You had to ruin it didn't you.”

He laughed “How am I ruining it? Sex always makes everything better~”

“For you.”

“And not for you? Why we have to fix that… let's bet if I can prove you wrong~” He leaned in closer and his hands slided down and started going under my sweat-pants.

“No thanks!” I wriggled outta his hold before he could go any further.

“Aw c'mon that's not fair we haven't done it in a week~”

“Long enough.”

“But I'm hungryyyy” He made a puppy face and started approaching me again.

“You’ll survive.” I started going back but he kept following me.

“I can't survive without you.”

“…don’t you do that shit now, you've already ruined it, it won't work twice.”

I started going back, and my steps were becoming bigger and faster as well as his until we were almost running.

“You’re playing with the devil.”

‘ _Yes I'm aware thank you.’_

“He Tian really now this is stupid let's just… sit down…”

“You sit down.”

But we both were stubborn as hell and of course neither backed down and we ended up running around his apartment.

“FUCK! STOP IT!” I shouted running in circle while he was following me.

“You stop it, then I will too.”

“YEAH RIGHT!” I took a sharp turn and went to the kitchen since the rest of apartment didn't have enough furniture to hide behind.

We ended up on opposite sides of table, both going left and right trying to predict other's move.

“Seriously this is nonsense…” I moved to left and he moved to right so we switched sides.

“Then why don't you be an adult and rest for a while~” He said with a smirk and tried to cut me but I avoided it barely.

“Like hell I will! You cheater!”

I knew if I try to be ‘an adult' and stop he wouldn't waste a chance to catch me.

I was thinking of a way to get away, and caught a glance of exit door.

He stepped in front of my site “Ah-ah-ah, you have to pass me first.”

He had a pretty determined look and I put on one too.

Alright. Challenge accepted.

I went forward and took a turn following the edge of the table. He tried to block me but I quickly grabbed a chair and used it as a blockade, which gave me just enough time to get to working part of the kitchen and grab a pair of chopsticks from the sink which I  threw at him as a distraction. While he was busy avoiding chopsticks I took a sprint to the door.

‘ _Victory!’_

But before I even reached them he jumped over the chair and with light speed grabbed me from behind and pulled us both to the side, onto his bed.

“WAH!” I screamed as we fell on the mattress, but still refused to give up. The more I struggled, the more he constricted his arms around me.

“Haha give up Princess~ I'm sorry it's my win~”

“No! I refuse!” I still struggled but it was hopeless.

“Such an attitude ~ You tryin' to deny my victory?” He slackened his hold a bit and put his hands up.

“What are you – “ And he started tickling me.

I was rolling left and right swinging my legs, begging him to stop.

“WAAH HAHAH STOP STOP PLEASE MY STOMACH HURTS – OKAY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY YOU WIN!”

After that he stopped and let me go and I fought for breath. I rubbed my eyes to clear tears.

“Fuck… You're crazy…”

“Yeah a lot of people tell me that.” He smiled.

I took my time trying to breathe. My stomach really hurt…

“It was a good idea though. Using distraction. If you were a little faster you could get away.”

“ _A little_ yeah right I'd have to be a fucking racing bird to run away from you. How can you be so fast?!”

“I'm not _that_ fast, I'm just effective. Your moves are pretty easy to read. With chopsticks you surprised me though, so I just took the shortest path and jumped over the chair straight forward to you. If you were a little smarter you'd take a path behind the couch. That'd give you extra 0.36 seconds and even with my speed I wouldn’t be able to catch you because double distraction would take too much time from me.”

I stared blankly at him and blinked a few times.

“What the – Yeah nevermind, Imma just pretend I understand.”

I turned to the side and closed my eyes.

He put his hands on both sides of the pillow, next to my head, and leaned in closer.

“I still won though. So I get my price~”

Shit I forgot what was this about...

“He Tian come on it's late…” I tried to get away but his hands kept me caged from turning around or running away.

“It's not that late.” He started dragging his mouth across my neck “Please, I'll be quick I promise.” He whispered to my ear and gently pulled my sweat-pants down. I shivered. Well I wasn't feelin' it until now, but he always manages to get me in the mood.

‘ _Ugh…’_

I sighed “Fiiiiineee. But only one round. And don't even try to get an all-nighter, I have to get up early tomorrow.”

He made a pleased grin “Of course~”

⭐⭐⭐

‘Of course' we ended up doing it all night.

Liar. He and his ‘good boy' attitude.

He's always on ‘of course' and ‘sure' well imma put that ‘sure’ of his up his ass next time.

“Mo Guan Shan!” I twiched on the full title of my name. As I looked up I saw an angry middle-aged woman with glasses standing above me.

“If you are that sleepy you should've stayed at home!”

“I’m sorry…”

“I will not tolerate sleeping in my class, at least pretend to be interested for once!”

“Yes, I'm sorry…”

The rest of the class looked at me and chuckled.

As soon as she turned around I slumped my head against the table again.

Not only I had exhausting sex all night long, but I had to wake up earlier to go to part-time job before school. Call it ‘wake up’ even though I never got to sleep.

‘ _I'm gonna die.’_

School bell rang in my ears louder than it should've. My head hurt so much.

“Momo what's with those large bags? You couldn't sleep?”

It took me some time to process anything Jia Zan was saying to me before answering.

“No I just had work early before school…”

“Oh. That sucks. I mean, that you have to work that much.”

“Yeah I guess… but I'm used to it.”

We spend some time together on the break and then went back to class. On top of all, even though it wasn't my turn, teacher decided to punish me for sleeping in class with cleaning duty. Great. Just what I need. Maybe if I find someone to replace me… No, she wouldn’t let me. And like anyone would accept to replace me even if I asked them….

I accepted my destiny and started taking cleaning supplies while the rest of the class was packing their stuff to leave (except for those who were on cleaning duty with me of course). I sighed and took a stick.

‘ _Can this day get any worse?’_

“Mo! Someone's looking for you!” Shouted Jia Zan.

“I’ll be right there, just a sec.”

Oh he's gonna be so pissed when he finds out that I'll be staying today…

“Some girl, says it's important.”

“Girl?” I turned around and almost dropped the stick I was holding. Blood from my veins dropped to my feet and stayed frozen there.

“Mo?” Jia Zan waved his hands in front of my face, but hopeless, I stayed frozen.

“A – A – S – Sure…” I mumbled and faked a smile.

 _The_ girl stood there at the door not taking her eyes of me. She was serious.

“Can I talk to you for a second? Alone.” She requested.

I nodded my head and ignored strange looks coming from my classmates.

I watched her as she led us through the school. She was really short, but that just made her cuter. She had longer bob and she lifted her bangs backwards with a green hairclip.  Her sweater covered her hands to half and her blue skirt showed her perfectly shaped legs. The fact that she wasn't chunky despite being short surprised me. And she smelled like flowers, so sweet and fresh. Damn what was wrong with He Tian to reject such a cutie for _me?_ He must've banged his head in pole that mornin'.

We ended up in the back school yard, a small green area which I was sure hardly anyone visited.

She stopped and turned around, facing me. I swallowed hardly. I better be prepared to kidnap her if she starts making conditions…

“Listen…” I started first, trying to avoid the war “I’m not sure how much you saw yesterday, but don't misunderstood it – “

“I know what I saw. And don't try to deny it, I'm not stupid. I got rejected by He Tian Xuezhang that morning. After seeing what I saw, I summed two and two.”

Cold sweat was starting to flow over my body.

“Look… Please listen to me. I know you get it, but I'd appreciate it if you could… not spread it you know? I mean can you not tell anyone else? If you already did, then tell them the same and just- “

She put a hand on her mouth and muffled her chuckle.

“Don’t worry I'm not planning on telling anybody.” She laughed again.

“No I'm saying – wait what?”

“You heard me! Stop making such a face!” She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.

“I’m Mei Ying~” She reached her hand out with a smile.

“Mo Guah Shan…” I introduced myself and shook her hand.

What kind of decive is this? Is she trying to get more information or something?

“Oh stop looking so stunned!”

“Uh… I just don't understand…”

“What is there to understand? Did you think I dragged you out of school to blackmail you or something?”

“Well… Yeah…”

She furrowed her eyebrows “Eeehhh really?! What kind of person do you think I am?!”

“Well, I wouldn't know. I don't know you.”

Her eyebrows were back to normal but she still held half angry expression “Oh yeah… Well, I'll forgive you this time then.”

She turned in other direction and started walking.

“Come one let's get some snacks! I always need sweets when I get upset even a little bit~”

“Uh sorry but – “

She looked at me again.

“I have cleaning duty.” I said totally blankly.

“Oh.” She said, “Well then some other time I guess~” She waved and left.

And I stood there, thinking what the fuck just happened.

⭐⭐⭐

Maybe it was a bad choice (it was definitely the worst choice) but I decided not to tell He Tian about yesterday. He would probably just get it wrongly and get upset for no reason.

This decision costed me my life.

“So I just decided to go there myself and tell him my opinion about his offer in person~” He Tian was oddly cheerful today.

“Poor kid, he must be dead now.”

He laughed “I spared him~”

I laughed a bit too “That I find hard to believe – “

“GUAN SHAAAAANN!” We twiched at loud scream.

We both turned to see it was coming from short blonie girl, which we both knew pretty well by now, and I felt my blood going down my feet once again.

She ran and jumped onto me, squeezing her hands around my neck.

_What. The fuck._

I caught a glance of He Tian's face. His eyes were getting darker and his jaw was clenched.

‘ _Oh crap…’_

“U – Um hi!” I tried to sound as natural as possible.

“Hi! I wanted to find you today to ask you if you wanna go to lunch together! Since you own me one.”

“Own you? For what?”

“Ha? Well don't you remember yesterday?”

“Yesterday?” He Tian asked in low, almost demonic voice.

My face was as pale as my shirt.

Now I summed two and two…

She won't tell anyone, _unless._

Right? There is always that _unless_ because nothing is for free. How could I've been so stupid…

The only thing I can do now is act along.

“A – A – Ah yesterday! Ahahah yeah! Snacks right? Well um - I'm kinda busy today so um – “ My tongue was slipping but I tried to discreetly beg her to shut up.

“Oh? I see then. Too bad. Well I gave you my phone number so call me when you're free then~” She happily waved and left with a grin.

I stayed frozen, too afraid to even turn around.

“I thought you said she wasn't familiar to you either.” He Tian said coldly.

_Fuck._

“She isn't! I don't know what the hell was that!”

When I looked at him, his eyes were pitch black. Oh great… God help me…

“You look very close. She your friend or something?”

“I told you it's not like that!”

Bell rang and signed it was time for first class to begin.

“I gotta go. I don't wanna be late for first class.” He turned around and started walking away.

“He Tian wait! Let me explain to you!” I tried to catch him but the look in his eyes told me he is not in the mood to listen right now and I gave up.

I felt awful…

And rather confused. Like why did she do that?! What on earth is wrong with her?!  Fuck I'm so angry right now! Now I get why she's on bad voice! That little bitch… trying to destroy my relationship… she's gonna get hers when I see her next time…

“Hey watch where you're going weirdo!” a guy I accidentally grazed with my shoulder shouted.

“You gotta problem?” I turned around and sinked closer to his face.

“……….Uh… N – no, sorry man…” and he left.

I heard some girls around me gossiping about my rudness, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I was so angry that I swear if someone tried to say one more thing to me, I'd do the same thing He Tian did to that poor wall back then.

‘ _Where is she.’_

I walked quickly through the hall, while people around me were making space wherever I passed. I must look like a psycho…

‘ _WHERE IS SHE.’_

Then I remembered that her class was next to mine. Ops, I scared a lot of people for no reason.

I saw a guy coming in their classroom and grabbed his arm.

“Is Mei Ying here?” I asked.

His face turned pale but he nodded and ran into classroom.

“Oh hiii~” She cheerfully came out and waved to me with a smile “I didn't expect you to come looking for me – “

“I need to talk to you. Come with me.” I grabbed her hand and started dragging her through the school, ignoring all curious looks on us.

“Wha – Hey what's wrong? You don't have to drag me – ouch! Hey that hurts a bit!”

We came to the same place we talked yesterday.

“Oi I'm asking you what's wrong?! Guan Shan – “

“DON'T.” I let her go and turned around and pointed my finger at her “Don’t. You dare call me by my name. Because you don't know me. And I don't know you. Is that clear?”

She stayed speechless and looked at me like a wet puppy.

“I know what you're trying to do and it won't work. If you do that one more time, you're gonna regret it.”

I passed by her and started walking away but she grabbed my hand.

“Wait!”

I gave her a warning look and she dragged her hand back.

“You're wrong! I didn't want that! I – “ she took a deep breath and exhaled “Okay this is pointless… Let's talk somewhere else.”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“But I do. Please… It'll be my treat.”

I gave it a thought. I really didn't want to talk to her, but she had that puppy face… And I thought only He Tian can do that. Guess I'm just weak to puppy face. And she said she'll pay right?

I sighed “Fine. But don't try anything funny. I won't listen to any kind of crap.”

She smiled and nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if that beginning was a bit depressing, but I feel like internet and drawing are only things keeping me sane... My life is slowly going down and I get the feeling that no matter how much I struggle, as soon as I swim to the top and see the light, sth pulls me down and I find myself at bottom again. I know ppl keep telling me that staying strong is the only solution, but it's hard and exhausting being strong when it gives minimal result. Oh well, enough with me pitting myself! I hope you enjoy reading so far, I can't blv that I have success with this shit xD thank u for reading, if you like it leave kudos, bookmark and tell me what you think in comments! ~


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't you just hate and love those rainy days when you feel like nothing but sleeping? Yeah well me too.

_I really didn't want to talk to her, but she had that puppy face…_

_I sighed “Fine. But don't try anything funny. I won't listen to any kind of crap.”_

_She smiled and nodded._

⭐⭐⭐

We ended up in a café on her demanding. She tried to break the ice talking about regular things and I played along. I was still mad, but my dangerous anger already faded long ago.

“Okay… So now that I cooled down, you can start explaining.”

“Ha?”

“Don't play dumb now. Did you forget why we came here?”

She stayed quiet for a while and bowed her head like she was thinking, then she sighed and started talking.

“I know what you think of me, but it's not like that really. You think I wanna ‘steal’ He Tian from you? Well to be honest… at first that kinda was my plan, because… because I believed I'm ya know… that I love him more, thus I'm worth it. But then I realized that we have something in common.”

“Huh? What?”

“People judge us.”

I took a sip of my coffee “Well they sure do judge me, though I don't give a fuck… But you?”

“Yes. What, don't tell me you didn't hear about me?”

I thought about it for a bit “Uhh well… I might did but I never saw anything strange or unusual on you so…”

She lifted her head “You – You didn't? What about now? I'm closer now.”

I looked at her “Um… Is there something I should notice?”

She blinked a few times and pointed at her head “I'm blond.”

I blinked too “Yeah I see that… so?”

“Naturally.”

“…that’s great but… I don't think I get it…”

She just stared at me blankly.

“You're unbelievable.”

I lifted one eyebrow in confusion. I really didn't get it. Maybe it's some girls thingy?

“You know, you're the second person that didn't judge me for my hair-colour.”

“Seriously why the hell would I judge you? I mean look at me. I'm red. Naturally.”

She blinked “What that's natural?? I was positive it was dyed!”

A vein popped on my forehead. Now this is getting annoying…

“Well _excuse me_ but unfortunately I was born like this.”

“Ah – “ she started waving her hands and blushed “Nonono I didn't mean it like that! I just meant… ‘cuz it's not something you see everyday…”

I sighed “It sure isn't. But here I am. Miracle of miracles!”

She apologized a few more times and bowed her head again. Then the awkward silence came. I was thinking of a way to escape it…

“You said I was the second person who didn't judge you, so who was the first?”

She blushed “He Tian.”

Oh. I see now… Puzzle was turning into a picture bit by bit.

We turned silent again, until she started talking.

“It was back in middle school. I always thought he was cute but I never had the courage to make a move. You see, people always judged me for my hair. ‘Cuz it's not usual for a chinese person to be naturally blond. All of my friends have either dark or dyed colour, but for some reason people think I'm easy when I say I'm a natural blondie. Also I have a problem with my skin, during summer it gets darker pretty easily, which just gives even more negative effect, since I'm a blond dark-toned chinese then. A lot of men hit on me thinking I'm a whore. Of course it gets better during winter but still…”

I just kept nodding. I really wanted to look like I was listening since this looked pretty important to her.

“It all started after a fight with my ex-best friend. She was pretty popular back then, and I always sticked to her like super-glue, but she didn't mind. We were always together until… she found a boyfriend. I was really mad because she spend less and less time with me and we argued a lot about that, but she kept saying that I should give him a chance and get closer to him. So I did but..” she chuckled a bit “Now this may sound funny but… You see, I have a strange habit of hugging people randomly. Like I did with you this morning. But for me it's really just a gesture of appreciation. Some people seem to take it wrongly though… I really tried to spend more time with him and get closer to him, but he thought that I wanted something more and one night he said he wanted to have sex with me… Of course I rejected him and made things clear. But the next day… She came to me angry and said that I ‘stole' her precious boyfriend. I tried to explain to her but she wouldn't listen. Later I found out that he broke up with her… I felt awful. It was all because of me. But at that point there was no going back anymore. We were done. She spread awful rumors through school which she believed were true, and things to be worse that guy did too. He claimed that I slept with him! I did not!” she took a deep breath “Anyway, things were just going down after that… my reputation was destroyed, and rumor after rumor for every identify situation…. And I became known as a ‘boyfriend stealer'. A whore basically. I was being bullied, and fought with deep depression. I was even thinking about quitting school but then…”

_*flashback*_

_“Haha just look at that hair! Ridiculous!”_

_“Hey did you get that ball from your customer too?!” A boy took red ball away from the girl._

_“No! Stop! That's mine! Give it back!” She shouted._

_“Hey hey Mei Ying can I get some too? How much do you cost?”_

_“Bet she's cheap!”_

_They started laughing. The girl with tears in her eyes gripped her fists “Stop it! It's not true!”_

_But they didn't listen._

_“You dare do something like that to our precious Da Xia?! You'll pay!”_

_“Yeah she's prettier than you anyway! You're just jealous!”_

_They started pulling her hair. No matter how much she struggled, they didn't let go._

_“Lets get rid of that bitchy hair of yours! Then you can fuck with yourself!”_

_One of the boys pulled scissors out and started approaching her while others were kepping her down and holding her hair up._

_“No! PLEASE!”_

_“Hey.”_

_They all froze. The girl opened her eyes and saw the boy with scissors was on the ground._

_“What the hell are you doing?”_

_A tall black-haired boy stood in front of her. Others trembled._

_“A – Ah… you're…”_

_“Shit…”_

_“He Tian you got it all wrong!” One boy stepped out “Do you know what she did?! What she's doing?! She's a bitch!”_

_Black-haired boy grabbed his shirt and pulled him up to his face “I don't give two fucks what she's doing. You're the stupid ones for believing everything you overhear. If this happens again, imma send you all to hospital. Is that clear?”_

_He let go of him, and as soon as he did, the whole group started running in fear._

_Black-haired boy sighed and turned to the girl._

_“Are you okay?”_

_She nodded not being able to say anything else._

_“T – Thank you…” Then she broke and started crying._

_He took the ball and crouched in front of her, patting her head._

_“Hey it's okay. Sometimes you just need to be strong. If they bother you again just call me, okay?”_

_He handed the ball to her and smiled “I’m He Tian~”_

_*end of flashback*_

I swallowed hardly. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Of course it all made perfect sense now, but I just then began to realize I didn't know He Tian at all. I'd never expect him to do something like that. And I thought I knew all of his ‘sides’…

She was quiet too for a while, just looking at her cup of coffee like she was remembering everything. I gave her time.

“That's when I fell in love with him. For me, He Tian Xuezhang was my hero. And it stayed like that even today. He was the only thing giving me strenght to continue with this shitty school. None bullies me now, but my reputation is still the same. Guess you can't change that. People talk you know.”

I just looked at her blankly. I put every effort in trying to figure out wether she was telling the truth or not.

She was silent, her head bowed ‘cuz she was still looking at her cup. Her cheeks were slightly pink and I saw tears she was holding in in her shiny eyes.

Yeah, she's telling the truth. I mean, you can fake it but not _that_ much. Her expression was telling me enough.

I didn't feel angry anymore. Moresoever, I felt compassion. Poor girl… School must've been hell for her for so long. I know ‘cuz I had the same problem because of my hair-colour back in middle school, the only difference is that I'd beat the crap out of anyone who tried to tell me something.

“He was right you know. Sometimes you just have to be strong.”

She slowly nodded.

“But I don't get one thing…” I said and she lifted her head “It looks to me like you truly love him… Why did you… I mean…” I tried to think of a way to make a question _without_ it sounding stupid, but I couldn’t come up with anything “Why didn't you, you know, ‘fight’ for him?”

Lets make it clear it's not like I'd let her even if she tried, but that piece just didn't fit into puzzle somehow.

“You mean why didn't I try to ‘steal' him from you?” She chuckled.

I blushed a little “Well…”

“That's because…” Her eyes wandered off to left “You don't see it from your point of view…”

“Ha?” I blinked in confusion.

“…I’ve known He Tian Xuezhang for years, and I never saw him smile like that. Only when he's with you…”

I blushed even harder “W – What are you talking about… He always smiles.”

“Yeah but… it's different. It's more honest, pure. You can see just how happy he is when he's with you. I saw it yesterday too. Just talking about you is enough to make him so happy.”

My heart started beating faster and I took a sip of coffee trying to hide my face.

“I think he really loves you, you know.”

I almost chocked on black coffee I was drinking. I coughed twice and wiped my mouth with my hand.

“S… stop saying nonsense goddamit you're gonna kill me…”

She just stared at me blankly.

“Wha? You love him too so it's logical to assume it goes both ways?”

“WHA – I DON'T _LOVE_ HIM!”

I shut my mouth because people were looking at me strangely. Maybe killing me like this was her plan from beginning?

“But you're dating right?” She continued.

“YES BUT THAT - THAT'S….”

That's just….

Not true….

…right?

She smiled at me. I then closed my mouth and got back to my seat, folding my arms and looking away. I didn't have any more comments.

We spend the rest of the time talking about regular themes, going through all kind of topics. And before we realized, we saw that time for school was about to pass soon. Ops. Well at least it turned out to be fun after all, which was the last thing I expected.

She payed as promised, and I promised to make up with buying her snacks next time. This time she _really_ gave me her phone number. Though she claimed that last time she was sure she already did that, but she must've forgot. We went back to school together and waved our goodbyes as we separated in the hall.

I pulled out a paper on which she wrote her phone number. I stared at it and just thought like ‘oh damn a phone number from a _girl_ is this possible I should write this down this is history'. But I'm in relationship now, too bad… Well at least she's nice. I always wondered how is it to have a female friend, but like just friend honestly. Now maybe I get a chance.

I folded the small paper and put it back into my pocket. I was thinking if I should go back to last class or not…

And as always, whenever I'm in good mood some shit _has_ to happen.

As I was walking through the hallway, a few meters in front of me I saw He Tian talking with some hot girl with his smiling face.

‘ _Oh gee another one? But this one's hot…’_

“So what you say?”

She put a hand on her mouth and chuckled “Well if you're so persistent…”

He gave a grin “Great~ Saturday it is. I'll give you a call.”

_‘Oi wait a minute…’_

He caught a glance of me and waved happily.

“Oh hey Princess!”

The girl turned around and looked at me.

“Who is he?” She asked.

“Oh? He's just a friend.”

I gripped my teeth.

The anger that faded long ago was slowly coming back, boiling in my veins.

I was just looking at them while they were talking like I wasn't there, and I watched them wave their goodbyes like a married couple that was separating on a train station. I waited for her to disappear before reaching He Tian.

“What the hell was that?!?! Did you just ask her out?!?” I wasted no second and attacked him right away.

He shrugged his shoulders “So?”

“ _So?!?!”_

‘ _So you're dating **me**!!!’ _ I shouted in my head.

He just blankly continued “So you're allowed to have a girlfriend and I'm not?”

I gripped my fists “I told you it's not like that!!! Why can't you believe me?!? She's just a friend!!!”

He lifted his head up a bit, like he was looking at me from the height “Oh so now she's a friend? I didn't know you could fuck a friend – “

That was the drop that overflooded the cup. I didn't even let him finish before I slapped him harshly.

His head stayed in that twisted position and his cheek I just slapped was red. I stood still too for a while before I snapped.

“I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH OF A JERK YOU ARE!!! DO YOU REALLY THINK I'D DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!? THE ONLY TWISTED PERSON HERE IS YOU!!! WELL IF YOU WON'T LISTEN THEN I DON'T HAVE TO TALK!!!”

And I just turned and left before I’d lost control in front of him. The fact that I snapped like that was  enough, I did not want to humiliate myself even more with letting him see me cry over this.

_‘JERK! IDIOT! SELFISH PERVERT!’_

My feet were tapping loudly on clean floor. The decision of going to last class was pretty clear by now. My sight was blurry because of tears, but I stayed stubborn and held them in, which only caused headache.

I wandered around town, going further into abandoned parts of the city having absolutely no idea what I was doing or where I was going. I just walked and walked and walked… Not seeing people around me, not seeing lights, nothing. The loud rumbling in my ears was becoming louder and more painful, blocking all my senses, until I let tears slide down my cheeks and let myself break. I crouched and supported my body on nearest tree behind, while rivers were flooding out of my eyes. I just kept wiping them.

‘ _Why the hell am I crying…’_

Maybe it's not him. Maybe it's just all the pressure I was holding in by now, and he was that last wrong button. That's what I wanted to believe…

What hurt me the most is the fact that he thinks I'd do something like that. And that he didn't even bother to listen, but right away go with ‘eye for eye, tooth for tooth'. That is so unfair! I am alowed to have friends! I'm not his loyal dog or something! He should notice by now that I didn’t have many true friends… so what if she hugged me! Well I think it was a nice gesture! But nooo why ask stuff like “how did you met her?” when you can go and fuck a hot chick just to hold onto grudge!

If that isn't selfish then I don't know what is!

I don't know how long I stayed there crying under fucking tree, but I didn't move until I was sure all water was drained from my eyes.

Before I came home, I checked a few more times if my eyes were still red. I couldn't see clearly but I think they were okay…

I ignored my mother but said a weak hi just in case. She kept asking me what's wrong but I just pretended everything was fine.

“Were you crying?”

How the fuck… But I was sure they weren't red anymore….

“Mum, I'm fine. I just… need to be alone okay?”

And I escaped into my room before she could continue with questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see ppl seem to think that I'm writing about abusive relationship... Well tbh idk anymore xD I'm a happy ending chick, but this seem to go much deeper than I originally planned :D Anyway, thank u for reading and support, that means so much to me! If you like my story, leave kudos bookmark comment and you know already.... I hope you like it so far!~
> 
> And again, if you forgot, Xuezhang is an upperclassman/senpai in japanese


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while.....

He Tian's POV:

“Ouch!” I twiched again as I pressed my fingers against my cheek. Damn it hurt… To think he has so much strength in arms…

I looked at myself in the mirror. It was still red.

I tried to put some crème but even if I gently poked it, it hurt.

“Owowow!”

Yeah you know what fuck it… It'll heal if I give it time. I should just not touch it.

I can't say I'm used to slaps, but slap from a girl hurts much less than slap from a guy. I have to note that somewhere.

I sat in front of windows in my apartment and checked my phone. Still no answer.

Oh come on it's been _three weeks!_

I swear there is _nothing_ I haven't tried! Except maybe giving up on my _soul?!_ Well if that'd get me _at least_ a ‘seen’ then I'll do it! I'll do it okay!!! I'll drain all my fucking blood in a can and let it slide to the reveals of Satan or God or whatever the fuck there is!!!

But nope. Still not even a ‘seen’.

I dropped my head and sighed. This is going to be harder than I thought.

I understand I overdid it and let my stupid big mouth speak before using my head, but I didn't think he'll be _this_ mad…

Obviously my usual patterns didn't work. Don't take me wrongly, I'm not of those stereotypical people who ‘sorts' females like beings who can actually work based on patterns. But ya know, when my ex-girlfriends got mad, I’d gave them time, I'd admit being a total jerk and said some cute shit, and eventually it'd pass them. But no matter what I said, he's not falling…

Like is there a ‘boys’ pattern as well?

To be honest I think it's just him. I don't even know if there is something like ‘Guan Shan's pattern'. And even if there is, it's probably so fucked up that even Picaso would took his time decoding it.

At first week it was still understandable. At second, I already began to worry, at third I was like what the fuck. Two more weeks and it'll be a month. Exactly 21 day, 504 hours and 1 814 400 seconds to be precise. Did I begin to count?

Not only he didn't answer my calls or messages, he didn't even come to school! I mean really! That's a whole new level of ‘avoiding’!

No.

I lifted my head.

I'm not fucking giving up. If he thinks he's gonna make me, he's damn wrong. _None_ wins against me at stubbornness. Imma be the first one to decode ‘Guan Shan' pattern!

I send another message. Only this time a little harsher.

_> >Listen now, you can't just avoid me forever. Imma find you myself and kidnap you before draining my blood to Satan.<<_

Maybe it was a little creepy but he'll get the point.

I stared at the message I just send for a while, and added:

_> >I only ask for a chance to explain. Nothing more. Isn't that what you asked for too?<<_

I don't know how long I stayed in same position just looking at the screen. It was long, that much I could tell… I was about to give up but then

_Seen_ _✔_ _Saturday at 13:35 pm_

‘ _WOAH!’_

OH FINALLY! WE'RE PROGRESSING!

I bowed my body even lower until my face was almost drowned into phone screen. I wanted to come up with something but he started typing.

_‘Oh oh! He's typing!’_

My heart was beating like crazy and I don't even know why… Like what the fuck…

_> >You didn't give me that chance, why should I give it to you now?<< _

_> >Because you love me?<< _

I quickly replied.

_> >Don't be an arrogant bitch when you're asking for forgiveness.<< _

I smiled.

_> > But you love that part of me too~<<_

I got a ‘seen’ and it just stood like that for an entirety.

I sighed and pulled my last card out.

_> >Please…<< _

I swear I didn't even _breathe_ while waiting for a reply.

_> > Today at school, 16 pm. If you're late one minute I'm leaving.<<_

My lips stretched in wide smile and I started breathing again.

_> >Don't worry~<<_

⭐⭐⭐

I don't know why the fuck I came the whole hour earlier. I was so excited I lost sense of time.

I didn't know if I was supposed to jump over into school yard, or wait in front… What if he comes from the back? Or at gym? ‘School’ is a very wide meaning term.

I kept going back and forth and tapping in place overthinking small shit like that.

‘ _What the hell is wrong with me lately…’_

He showed up after about half an hour and I had to restrict myself from jumping onto him and ruining everything again.

“You’re early.” I said with a smirk and put my hands in my pockets.

“Look who's saying… To be honest I wanted to come first so I can walk away. How long have you been here?”

“Oh? You wanted to trick me? That's dirty Peaches~” I avoided his question.

“Stop giving me damn retarded girly nicknames imma stab you seriously.”

I wanted to hug him so badly, but I knew that he'd run away if I do that. I have to keep my fucking hands to myself…

We stood in awkward silence for a while, both waiting for the other to begin. And I knew he's not gonna do it so…

“Wanna go for a walk?” I asked hopefully.

He nodded but still refused to even look me in the eyes.

We were walking around nowhere silently. He kept looking away and I did too, at least pretended I was, when instead I caught a glance of him from time to time.

“I really missed you.” I accidentally spurted out loud.

He blushed “Don’t say random things like that so blankly…”

I didn't even lie. I really missed him… His cute blushing, his grumpy face, his exordinary spiky short red hair, and the way he’s gripping his right arm whenever he's nervous… I missed it all.

“Listen um…” He caressed his hand “I might've… overreacted… I'm sorry.”

My eyes widened “Why the hell are you apologizing? Didn't _I_ come here to beg for forgiveness?”

He blushed and turned his head in other direction “Yeah well… I'm still mad but… When I cleared my head, I thought about it, and realized that what happened was indeed easy to misunderstand. It was stupid of me to get mad so much about that.”

That's it. I can't hold myself back anymore.

I didn't waste another second and hugged him tightly. I rubbed my head onto his shoulder and inhaled.

Ahh there it is… That sweet cinnamon-peachy smell that always calmed me down. I was so addicted to it…

He stayed still between my arms, but I could feel his heart beating faster. He's so warm. Seriously how did I live without this…

“I’m really sorry. I always say awful things without thinking… To be honest I was surprised when you slapped me, but that's when I knew that I fucked up.”

He gripped my shirt and I felt his chest moving faster as his breathing was becoming heavier.

He started struggling but that just made me tighten my hold.

“Gh – Le – Let me go!” He struggled but I didn't let go.

“Shut up! I'm not gonna let you get away like that twice!”

He was starting to calm down and struggle less and less until he gave up and relaxed his body in my hold.

“You… jerk….. I hate you…” his voice was trembling and he started sobbing a bit.

My eyes widened in surprise. Did I fuck up again..?

Then he suddenly put his hands around me too.

“I missed you too…” he said almost whispering.

My heart skipped a beat and I slackened my grip. I put one hand against his cheek and finally made him look me in the eyes. His eyes were red and his lips pinched. I gently dragged my thumb across them and they parted, as if they were asking me to take them.

I started getting closer rather slowly, still looking him right in the eyes. He pressed his forehead against mine. We were slowly getting closer like that until our lips connected.

The pressure was getting stronger then weaker again, sending warmth from my lips through my whole body. I tilted my head to get a better angle and that brief second of parting our lips made my desire burst like a flame. I slid my tongue into his mouth, tasting him as much as I could. God I missed this so much…

Why did I ever let him go… I should've just caught him back then.

 A memory of that girl suddenly flashed back into my mind and I pressed his body against mine even closer, forcefully increasing the pressure of our kiss. The thought of someone else having him, _anyone_ tasting this, using it whenever they want… it drove me fucking crazy. And I don't know why. It’s rather selfish to be honest, because I'm the one using it senselessly whenever I want, but you know how they say… you realize how much you need something only when you lose it.

I parted our lips so he could catch a breath. His cheeks were pink and his breathing short and fast.

“I'm never letting you go again. You hear?” I caressed my hand against his lips “You’re only mine.”

He blushed even harder and just stared at me like that.

Then he sank his head into my shirt and I patted his head. We stayed like that for a long time. I was just feeling the warmth of his body and let my mind go into unknown feeling while I was looking at green fields in front of me. I didn't even try to think what was wrong anymore, there is no point. This feeling I have is something foreign to me. I'm pretty sure I know myself, but I won't admit it. Not just yet…

‘ _Mine.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I slept the whole day today and I'm still tired wtf.  
> Sorry if this ch is kinda short that's all I can do for now... Also, I found out some of my readers here r much older than me and I'm like https://www.instagram.com/p/BI5nTuYggmE/?taken-by=artist_issues xD also dont mind my maths, I suck at it, its prbbly not correct but okay :y


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TUN TUN TUUUUUNNN AFTER SO MANY YEAAAARSSSS okay so sorry guys I know I'm a fkn sloth, but that's how I am I guess... thank u for all the supportive and nice comments in previous ch, it made my day <3 I rly struggled this time, 'cuz I'm still ill... I mean, IT'S BEEN TWO FKN WEEKS THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A 'FLU'! THAT'S NOT A FLU! *inhales* But anyways, hope this gives u strength for these final few weeks of school, 'cuz I sure will die.

Guan Shan's POV:

After that, you could say we got back to normal. Well, _normal_ as it is….

I asked Mei Ying if she could restrict herself from hugging me at least when He Tian's around, and fortunately she accepted. He Tian still gave us deadly looks whenever she pops up though.

One day, we were casually walking around town, having one more of those stupid call-it date.

“So what did you want to show me?” I asked suddenly.

“Aww aren't you enjoying our date?”

“S-Shut up idiot…” I turned my head in order to hide my stupid blushing “You said you wanted to show me something important, so I came. But all we were doing up to now is walking around and talking like usual. Are you mocking me again?”

He laughed a bit and sighed “Okay if you're so persistent… I wanted to wait ‘till we got to a more deserted area, but anywhere is okay too I guess.”

He put a hand in his jacket and started rustling, as if he was searching for something. Then he pulled out a shiny little red box.

“Here.” He gave it to me.

I just stared at the tiny box, wrapped in decorative shiny red paper, smooth to touch, and around it was a matching red ribbon, slightly brighter hue than the paper. Well it wasn't _that_ tiny, it was more of a size as my palm. It almost looked like a… a present?

“What is this?”

“Open it.” He said impatiently.

I looked at him once more before starting to rip the paper, revealing what was behind it.

“H – He Tian…”

I opened the box to make sure it was a real thing. Under the cover was a grey fancy phone, size as my hand, shiny screen, round edges, the newest model, I almost blinded out of its shining-ness.

“He Tian… What the heck is this?”

He gave his charming smile “Well this, my darling, is called a _mobile phone._ Pretty useful gadget of 21st century, you can use it for calls – “

“I know what a goddamn phone is!”

“Well, there you go then~”

“Wait! What do you mean just _there you go then?!_ H – How much did this cost?”

My pressure was getting unstable again. It sure looked hella expensive.

“You don't need to worry about that.”

“Why… all of a sudden….” My tongue was slipping.

“Well you said you phone is pretty old-fashioned, haven't you?”

“WHA – That was a joke gee! Did you buy me an actual phone ‘cuz of that?!”

This guy is really unbelievable. And to think he'd remember something like that… Even I don't clearly recall saying that….

“Well if it was a joke, then you have no more excuses ne? From now on, when I call you, if you don't answer immediately yer gonna get punished~” he said with a smirk, giving me slight chills the more I thought about those words.

“Let’s go to eat something, I'm hungry~”

He continued to walk forward, but I just stayed frozen still looking at the phone in my hand.

None gave me a present _this_ expensive… Mum tried her best to gather her savings so she could buy me something for my birthday every year, and even if it wasn't much I was really happy because she gave her best every time. Dad couldn't buy me anything even if he wanted, and to be honest I don't know if I'd accept it even if he did…. Despite that, I don't recall anyone giving me a present out of nowhere, especially like this… It's not even my birthday… I mean, this is just…

“Something wrong? You don't like it?” he stopped and turned around when he realized I was still standing in one place.

“I – I can't accept this… It's too much… I – I don't think I could ever repay you, even if I took 3 more jobs…”

He laughed and approached me.

“Silly, you don't have to _repay_ it. I bought you that with my own good will. That's why it's called _a present.”_ He patted my head and kissed my forehead.

My heart started beating like crazy and I didn't even try to hide my blushing anymore. I just dropped my head on him, buring my face into soft fabric of his shirt there.

“T – Thank you… I really like it…” was all I could say.

I know it's stupid getting all worked-up for a random present… I mean, that's also what you do in relationship right? From time to time. But I don't think he gets how much this means to me really. Or does he…

He patted my head once again “Okay, let's go now~” and turned to walk again.

I really love this side of this. He always tends to play tough and uninterested, but I know he's not the cold-hearted bastard as he presents himself to be. Sometimes cruel and coldblooded, and sometimes so caring and sweet… But even when he hurts me, even when he acts like he doesn't care, I know he does. I know he always considers my feelings, always carefully listening to me. I know he doesn't want to admit that he wasn't sleeping after our fight either. Those countless messages and calls from him proved me that.

“Are you gonna stand there forever?” He Tian asked impatiently.

And no matter what happens, he never leaves me behind.

It's not just _this_ or _that_ ‘side’ of his personality I like.

I love all sides of He Tian. Good and bad. Because I know, he also acknowledges me fully with all my disadvantages.

“Coming~”

⭐⭐⭐

“Where were you?! I couldn't contact you at all! I was so worried!” Mum started yelling at me as soon as I got in.

“Huh? Ho – “ then I remembered that I still didn't put my memory card in my new phone “Oh uh… yea… sorry… I uh… didn't hear my phone…”

“Don't you ‘sorry' me! I was so worried my pressure got unstable! You know I have a weak heart don't do this crap to me!”

Even saying that, she lost her breath quickly and started breathing faster, as if she just ran a whole marathon.

My eyes widened and I quickly hugged her and started comforting her.

“Mum mum it's okay… I'm really _really_ sorry, don't get upset, nothing happened I promise….”

Her breathing was slowly getting back to normal, and I felt her heart beating slower under her chest.

“Okay? It's okay…” I started dragging my hand across her back, and she hugged me back.

“Sorry… it's not that I don't trust you... It's just that lately… you became so distant from me…”

I closed my eyes “I know. Sorry… I'm just busy. I'll spend this weekend with you I promise.”

She smiled “Thank you honey… Sorry for getting upset over nothing. I'm so silly…”

“It’s okay.” I let her go and looked her in the eyes.

Her smile from ear to ear made my heart feel warm. Seeing her smile like this every day, knowing that she's okay, is all I ever wanted. Even though I know that's a lie, she's not okay. She's as fragile as her heart, but she always smile for my sake. That small realistic thought deep down in my mind makes me wanna work harder, just to make her happy. After all, she gave up everything she had to raise me.

“I’m going to my room now. _Just my room_ , so don't freak out okay?” I said jokingly.

She laughed a bit and then made a fake grumpy face “Gee Guan Shan! I'm not _that_ freaky! I'm your mother after all!”

“Thanks for letting me know that.” I joked again and headed to my room.

“Don't jerk off in there! I'm the one who washes the bedsheets here!”

“As if!” I rolled my eyes and shut the door, but she still talked even with door closed.

“Oh oh by the way! Honey, I forgot to tell you! Li Niu will be coming over this weekend!”

_‘…eh?’_

⭐⭐⭐

“Eh? Who's Li Niu?”

I held my head down in despair “She's my fucking cousin………”

“Why the ‘fucking'? Isn't she supposed to, like, be your sister or something?” He Tian munched a crêpe he just bought.

“BECAUSE SHE'S FUCKING ANNOYING!” I put both my palms across my eyes.

“Well yea, that's how most sisters are like…” he said calmly.

“No, you don't understand! She's a true monster I'm telling you!!! Every time she comes, something bad happens! It's like she carries a curse or something!!!” I started dragging hands through my hair quickly.

He stayed silent for a while, holding his poker face, then when he finished his crêpe he started talking again.

“…So you won't be coming over this weekend either huh?”

I gasped “Look I'm sorry… I have to be with them this weekend…”

“Why?”

“What you mean _why_ you selfish little – “ I stopped there, and took a deep breath. Another fight is the last thing I need now “I’m really trying to balance here okay! They are family.”

He just started blankly at me and scratched his head “…I guess I don't really get that family stuff.”

I twiched “Ah I didn't mean it like that…”

“I know you didn't.” He looked away.

‘ _Great Guan Shan just you keep pushing it.’_

“…It’s just…” I looked away too “Mum is rather sensitive lately, and she already became suspicious, so I don't want her to get upset and do more damage to herself… I promised her that I'd spend this weekend with her, so I will.”

Few moments after I said that, I felt his hand across mine.

“You’re the silly one here. Saying that when you're just like her.” His hand cupped around mine now “I already said it's fine.”

“…Really?” I blushed a bit because of his touch.

“Of course~ Next weekend let's watch a movie together then. You can choose which one~” he smiled with his usual charmingness.

I put my forehead on his. I really wanted to be with him, but I also wanted to be with mum…

But despite all choices, I didn't want to be with Li Niu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see more and more people keep tellin' me about my ''abusive relationship'' kind of story. Well lemme just tell ya, I............. Have no idea what to say xD Tbh it wasn't supposed to be like that, but since He Tian cares about Momo more than he wants to admit, I guess it's okay. Also, the chick that writes fanfic I'm currently reading wrote sth with plot like 'they tripped and fell onto each other, the heat was getting intense' basically (not with those words ofc) and she's like ''OH I HAVE SINNED!'' And I'm just like ''..................well, I guess that makes me Satan.''


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me long enough.... Aggg guys!!! Two more weeks! Two more fucking weeks to go and the winter-break starts!!! Let the blankets and cuddling begin! (with a plush... bcs I'm forever alone *tear sliding down the cheek*)

“KYAAA! Guan Shan it's been so long~!!!!!” Li Niu screamed, as usual, and hugged me tightly.

“Gh – Y …Yeah… You're… gonna strangle me…” I struggled for breath.

“Li Niu, we missed you so much~” mum came, and she finally let go of me.

‘ _Gh, speak for yourself.’_ I caressed my neck.

I wandered around kitchen while mum was putting food and juice on the table for Li Niu and us to help ourselves.

They talked about different stuff cheerfully, and I just ate and tried to ignore Li Niu's loud screaming voice in my ears. I just wanted this hell to be over as soon as possible.

“Auntie, I'm gonna use your bathroom for a while~”

“Oh alright honey, it's right there around the corner!” mum pointed her finger to show her and she was gone. For a while. Well, long enough.

I was eating and staring at nothing, when suddenly my phone vibrated.

It was a message from The Bastard.

And I swear this was maybe the first time I was actually happy to see his contact on my phone screen. Anything but this.

_> >Whatcya doin'?<<_

I send him a picture with a text _> >Having a party with mum and sis. You?<< _

_> >Meh nothing much, lazing around. Is it fun?<< _

_> > Ya, we're totally raving. Like in hell.<< _and I added _> >Literally.<<_

_> >Pff haha I see. Why don't you come to my place? I'll show you how to rave all night ;) << _

I just stared at the message with a small blush and facepalmed. He and his dorky jokes….

_> >Uh, tnx but no tnx.<< _

_> >Haha too bad~ Have fun then~<<_

_> >Thanks….<< _

“Guan Shan!” I twiched as I heard mum's voice calling me.

“Yeah?” I lifted my head and put my phone in my pocket.

“Where did you get that phone?!”

Oh crap. I forgot I didn't tell her about that…. How the hell will I explain now? It's not like I can tell her that I bought it for myself, because pff… even she knows I can't afford something that expensive.

“Ah um – what phone?”

“The one you just put in your pocket two seconds ago, don't make a fool of me! Where did you get that?! You know we can't afford that much!”

“No I… didn't buy it… I got it as a gift from work.” I said the first shit I could come up with. And it was honestly the worst.

“Something that expensive? I don't think so.” She lifted her brown and folded her arms across her chest.

I just stayed quiet with bowed head looking at the table, thinking what to say. Anything… Come on…

But nothing. I got nothing.

“Tell me the truth!” she raised her voice a bit.

“Am I an extra here Auntie? Should I go?” Li Niu asked confused as she got out of the bathroom at the moment mum yelled at me.

Great… This is getting better and better…

“No honey, it's okay. We'll solve this here and now.” She said to Li Niu still keeping her gaze on me.

“Mum… I told you, it's nothing.” I lied again. I knew she'd know. She knows me better than anyone. But let her know. Maybe that will make it clearer for her, that I don't want to talk about such topics.

Her brows came up together and she quietly exhaled her anger and regret.

She gave herself a few seconds to calm down, then she continued, but with more motherly worried voice than yelling.

“I just don't get it Guan Shan! Lately you're acting so strange… you became so distant from me! You come with some new expensive looking stuff every week, you come home late at night, sometimes even morning, you skip school, you won't tell me where you're going… you never know when you'll be coming back… you don't answer my calls, you won't talk to me anymore… and now you're lying! How can we talk when you don't even come out of your room anymore?! I'm your mother! I'm worried for you! What happened to my son?!”

I just kept my head bowed like a puppy, while she was throwing all that at me in front of Li Niu.

“…I……..”

“Maybe he has a girlfriend!~” Li Niu suddenly exclaimed.

And we all froze and looked at her.

She smiled as if she just discovered something so important.

And I was sweating in my place, just thinking of a way to kill her right there.

‘ _You little how did you– ‘_

“Is that true?” Mum turned her gaze at me again.

“Ah – “

I opened my mouth but stayed speechless. I felt so hot, I already knew my hard blush was visible.

‘ _N – Nonononono! You got it all wrong! It's not – “_

But I didn't tell a word. As if a cat ate my tongue.

“Hehe it issss isn't it?~ He's in looovee~” Li Niu teasingly put a hand across her grin and moved left to right in her place.

“S – SHUT UP!” I accidentally screamed at her.

“Aww no need to hide it Momo~ It's totally visible~” she laughed with a grin.

“YOU LITTLE – “ I jumped from my chair.

“Hey hey that's enough!” Mum warned me.

Then she sighed and relaxed in her chair “I see. I was worried it was something serious… Jeez Guan Shan… If you have someone, you should tell me. Being in love is a very good thing~”

“I TOLD YOU I'M NOT!”

“Hehe he soo is~”

“YOU SHUT UP!” I jumped at her but she ran away and went to the other side of the table.

“So when can we meet her?~” Li Niu continued still leaping in place.

“Huh?!”

“Oh yeah…” Mum folded her arms again and looked at me with soft expression “That’d be a good thing actually… I'd like to meet her~”

“Yey!~ Let's see her let's meet her~ Leeet's see Momo's girl!~” she sang happily.

“ _W – WAIT… NO… YOU'RE WRO…”_

⭐⭐⭐

_> >I'LL KILL HER!!!!<< _

Was a message I send to He Tian as soon as Li Niu left.

_> >Raving went wrong?<< _

He answered back immediately.

I typed laying in my bed, still pretty angry.  Everything in my life at this point seemed so wrong.

_> >I TOLD YOU SHE HAD A CURSE HAVEN'T I!<< _

_> >...what happened?<<  _

_> > THANKS TO HER, MUM WANTS TO MEET MY GIRLFRIEND!!!<< _

I slapped the phone in the bedsheets and tried to calm down while waiting for an answer. Even retelling it felt so awkward. I can't even describe how embarrassed I felt when she said that…

_> >Pff hahahhahahahahahah<<_

_> >WHY THE HELL ARE YPU LAUGHING?! I'M TELLIN' THE TRUTH!<< _

_> > Okay, so what should I wear?<< _

_> >Huh?<< _

_> >When I meet your mum I mean<<_

_> >GET SERIOUS!<< _

_> >I am.<< _

_> >NO WAY<< _

Then I got my eyes back on his message. He's probably not even serious. Then again, knowing him…

_> >Well you gotta tell her at some point. You can't play the rabbit from Wonderland forever.<< _

I knew that I can't lie forever. If we stay in relationship, and that is _if,_ I have to tell her. But the picture of He Tian in suit with his grin and mum across big table with arms crossed… just…. No.

_> >I'm happy that you seem to see a future in our relationship, but I'll tell her when I evaluate that I'm ready.<< _

_> >’Kay then. Have it your way. Anyway you're coming to my place this weekend, I don't want excuses. If you say no, I'd come and kidnap you~<< _

I shivered but answered with a simple ‘k’. I really must tell him that his dark humor is more creepy than funny.

But even if mum says I can't go, I sure like hell will. I need him.

And I can't believe I just thought that…

But after this, I won't lie, I do. I just need a hug, and someone to tell me everything will be fine…

And he was perfect for cuddling when he was in the mood. He just knows how to comfort me.

I turned on my back so I was looking at wall above me, letting my mind drop into late-night thoughts. I hated those. Because once they start, I know I won’t sleep.

I desperately tried not to remember today's event, but of course it was impossible. And soon Li Niu's words echoed in my ears again. I put both my hands on my ears trying to stop it.

Then I started thinking about He Tian’s messages. Would he seriously meet my family? He doesn't seem the type at all. I mean, it's not that I knew him well before, but he seems more like a one-night-stand type. Then again, I remembered the fact that I don't know him as well as I think I do. Parts of Mei Ying's story from earlier flashed back into my mind. And how long has it been since we started dating anyway? Like, three months or something? I checked the calendar. More like four or five months.

Eh? That long?! No way! When did the time pass??

Then one small thought came into my mind. Now both voices of Li Niu and Mei Ying, as well as mum's, were echoing in my head, making a mess.

It bothered me from the moment Mei Ying mentioned it, but I didn't let myself think about it enough.

Am I really in love with He Tian? I mean, we are dating for more then four months, but I never made my feelings clear with myself…

 _‘Ugh, just go to sleep…’_ I said to myself and turned to side, covering my face with a pillow.

I was looking at my hand placed next to my pillow, and suddenly I saw a silhouette of He Tian's hand across mine. I could always recognize his hand with big palm and long fingers, sometimes a little ashy from cigar he barely drops, and almost always in scrapes and wounds around his knuckles from fights. Our fingers interlocked together, his palm slowly sliding across mine in the process. I could feel the hot breath from his mouth on my ear, sending shivers through my body, his voice calling my name….

“Nh – “ then I shook my head and snapped out of it all.

‘ _What the hell was that.’_

I covered my face with my pillow again, embarrassed by my own thoughts….

My breathing was heavy and my pants felt kinda tight.

‘ _Don't tell me…’_

I lifted the blanket and looked down. I was hard.

_‘UGHH DAMMIT. Why the hell did I…’_

I facepalmed and groaned. There's no way I'll be sleeping soon…

⭐⭐⭐

“Is that the new look of this month?” He Tian made fun of my large eye-bags at school.

“Shut up. I couldn't sleep.” I answered annoyed, avoiding his gaze.

“Ohh? Who made you sleepless, Princess?~”

‘ _You.’_ I thought, but didn't say out loud. Instead, I kept avoiding him. I felt hella awkward even being around him because of last night. There's no way I'd tell him I got an erection thinking about him.

Of course I didn't jerk off. I was at the edge to be honest... It was rather painful… But if I did that, I knew I wouldn't be able to face him ever again. I'd be too embarrassed. So I just rolled around waiting for it to go down, and got 0 hours of sleep.

“You know, last night I had a dream about you. Maybe that's why you couldn't sleep. Ya know, they say if you can't sleep, that means you're awake in someone’s dreams~” He Tian said as he threw his hand over my shoulders.

“I doubt. And what was I doing in your dream eh?”

He smirked and got his mouth closer to my ear “Are you sure you wanna know?” he said in low voice, sending shivers through my body, just like last night… in _my_ dreams….

I blushed and quickly wriggled out of his hold, pressing my palm against my ear.

“……no…”

He smirked again “Too bad, you were so skillful ~”

“I said I don't wanna know.”

“ ‘Kay~” he came closer again and kissed me on the cheek.

I put my palm against my cheek all confused “W – What was that for?”

He smiled “Just little something to make my day bearable ~”

I blushed “We’re at school idiot!”

“I don't give a shit. You know I could fuck you right there.”

“I KNOW THAT DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD! GROSS!”

He laughed and made my heart feel weird again.

_‘Ugh... Why…’_

“Hey Mo, can I ask you something?” Jia Zan suddenly said while we were preparing for lunch break.

“Mhm.” I simply answered, since I was drinking a small pack of apple juice.

“Are you dating that He Tian guy?”

I almost chocked on my drink and I had to spit it all out before I died.

“GH – “ I started coughing “W – WHA…”

“Oh no um – “ he started waving his hands “I'm not sayin' you are! I'm just asking….”

“Why the chicken balls would you ask something like that…” I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, still trying to catch a breath.

“Well I don't know… Random… It's just that lately you seem pretty close.”

“We're not!!!!”

“Wha?”

“I SAID WE'RE NOT DATING!” I accidentally screamed and the whole class turned their heads to stare at me.

I stayed frozen for a while, until they got back to their business, still suspicious.

“So you're not – “

“ _NO!”_ I screamed whispering.

“With He Tian – “

“ _NO! DUDE!!! WHAT THE HELL'S WITH YOU?!”_

I kept denying it. First Li Niu and mum and now Jia Zan?! Are we _that_ seenthrough?! And how did he… Did he… saw that before class?! Dammit I'll kill that bastard!!! I told him to be more careful! But he just does whatever he wants! At this rate, the whole school will know soon enough! It'll probably end up in school magazine!!! Fuck!

“Look…” Jia Zan scratched the back of his head “I know you since forever, and I'm just worried about you…”

“Yeah everyone's just being so worried all of a sudden.” I said without thinking, looking at the table between us.

“But they are, because of reasons, right? Listen, listen Guan Shan…” he leaned in closer, and I was surprised he called me ‘Guan Shan' and not just usual ‘Mo’ or ‘Momo’ since he always used nicknames. That means he's serious.

“I don't care if you are dating or not, I'd recommend you to stay away from him. That guy is dangerous. People say all kind of stuff, they say it's just rumors… but some, like me, know not everything's a lie.”

I gripped my fists on my lap “It’s always on ‘people say'. Well people say all kind of things for me too right? So why are you hanging out with me then? You don't know him like I do. None of you does. So I don't give two fucks about any of those ‘people say' shit.” I got up and headed to the exit.

Jia Zan gripped my wrist and stopped me. I turned to see his expression that was basically asking for forgivness “I told you I know you too. I know… you were hurt in the past, I just… don't want you to be hurt again.” His grip tightened.

I stayed silent for a while, thinking. I just stared at his grip, not moving.

“…thanks. But I know what I'm doing.” I said and went out, getting out of his hold.

I walked through school, my steps so fast that I was almost running. My heart was beating like crazy, bumping in my ears. The blood in my veins boiled and it made me feel so fucking hot, like it was 100 degrees outside when in fact it was rather cold.

I was so angry, so frustrated, and I don't even know why…

I searched for him everywhere. I need to see him. Now.

I saw him on the court, playing basketball, being his usual cool, surrounded with fangirls of course. They screamed his name while he ran around throwing the ball not missing once, charming everyone with his smile.

He spotted me as soon as I reached the metal bar fence, and waved to his fans, approaching me.

“Yo~ Wassup? Came to see me play?”

I didn't answer, but just hugged him tightly. I didn't even care he was cover in sweat and his shirt was wet, I didn't care if someone saw us, nor if they found out right here and now. I didn't care. I just wanted to be with him…

He was probably surprised, since he stayed frozen for a while, his eyes widened in confusion.

“What's wrong? Are you feeling sick?”

I didn't answer again, just tightened my grip around his body.

His muscles relaxed and then he put a hand around me too, caressing my back.

“Did something happen? Did someone hurt you?” he asked in soft voice.

I shook my head.

Sound of a ball bounced against concrete court behind us, followed by screams and lively voices of other students who swang it around.

“You wanna go somewhere else?”

I slowly nodded.

We went to more deserted area of school, in the back yard. That place was seriously abandoned. It was like, a place for gangs of school (not even that anymore) or for couples who need privacy (if you know what I mean…).

We bought some cold drinks by the way, and sat on wide concrete stairs there. We were silent for a while, he already opening his Cola and drinking it, while I just held mine, looking at a dot.

“So… Wassup?” he repeated, waiting for an answer. But he didn't get it.

“Hey… c'mon you dragged me here to talk remember? What's happening to my Princess? Should I beat the fuck out of someone?” he leaned in, supporting his upper body with elbows on his knees.

“Sorry…. I just…” I gripped cold can between my palms.

“ ‘S okay. Take your time.” He sipped his drink again.

I didn't know either, why was I so angry at a time. Or why I got angry just because someone talked bad about _him_. I mean, I always had a logic that other people's business aren't my business. Why is now different…

“Don't you just hate it how people trust everything so easily?” I suddenly said, lifting my head to look at the sky.

“Well ya, but that's because humans are stupid. We only act like smartasses, when in fact we don't know shit.” He Tian said.

“Yea… I guess…” I followed the clouds slowly moving with my eyes.

“I had a fight with Jia Zan...” I continued “Well not really a fight… more like an argument, a disagreement.”

From the corner of my eye I saw he was looking at me.

“What did he say?” he asked, without even asking who Jia Zan was anyways. Good thing. I hate when I have to explain every little thing.

“He said I should stay away from you.” I said without hesitation.

He laughed a bit “Maybe he's right.”

“What does he know?!” I snapped out of nowhere, turning to him with annoyed voice.

His eyes widened in surprise, and then I realized how stupid that was too. I could already see his grin coming.

“Shut up… Just shut up okay…” I turned my head and got back to previous position, covering my face with my hand “I’m just alergic to people talking shit about people they barely know.”

He smiled softly.

“He's just trying to point out what he thinks is the best for you. Because you mean a lot to him.”

“As I said, I know what's best for me.”

“Yea, most people always think they do…”

I groaned “Why the fuck are you on his side?! Isn't it logical to defend yourself?!”

He smilled “Yea well, two things. I'm not logical, and second…” he hesitated a bit, his smile fading “he’s right. I am… pretty fucked up. But it's your choice. If you choose to be with me, you're gonna regret it on your own later~ But it's still only up to you. Everyone pays for their own sins. That's what he failed to understand.”

I stopped to process what he said for a while.

“Don’t call wanting to be with you a sin…”

“I’m not calling your choice a sin. I'm the sin, you're just poor little Alice in Deadman Wonderland ~” he smilled again.

I swallowed “You’re… not a sin. Idiot.”

I stared at my Cola, its can already melting in my hand.

 _‘Don’t look at me with your stupid smile and that “you don't know shit” face you bastard…’_ I thought as I caught him staring.

Silence grow upon us. But it wasn't that awkward silence. It was more a nice, comfortable break for chilling our minds.

“Oh yeah about your mum – “

“ _No GOD please let's not talk about that….”_ I said, disappointed in how short the comfortable silence lasted.

He laughed “Hahaha okay~”

“I told you imma tell her when I feel ready.”

“And when will that be?”

“Probably never.” I simply answered.

“So what are you gonna say then?”

I sighed “I don't know… My girlfriend is alergic to sun so she can't come out of the house?”

He laughed again “Well that's pretty weak, what if she decides to visit her then?”

“Then she's alergic to people.”

“Hmm and how is she with you then?”

“I'm an exception. And stop fucking ruining my brilliant ideas.”

“They are far from brilliant ~”

“Fuck you.”

We both started laughing. It felt nice for a while, I don't remember the last time when I was able to laugh like this, relaxed and basically at nothing. But it still made me happy.

“Wait, wouldn't that make _me_ a ‘girlfriend' then? Aren't you the lady here?” he suddenly said all serious.

“Oh fuck you!” I punched him in the biceps lightly “You could be the ‘Princess' for once!”

“Now now, don't get too cocky~ I could only be the Queen~”

“Naracisstic bastard…”

We laughed again, then I got all serious.

“Oh yeah!”

“What?”

I jogged his head.

“Ouch! What was that for?!”

“Because you're an idiot! I almost forgot the main thing I wanted to say because of this shit! Before our fight, Jia Zan asked me if we were dating!”

He scratched the back of his head, where I hit him “So, did you say ‘yes I'm a queer now you know'?”

I lifted my hand again as a warning “No you jerk, of course I denied! The point is that he noticed too!!! What have I told you about being careful?!”

“And what have I told you about not giving a fuck?”

“And what have I told you about me _giving_ a fuck you selfish pervert?!”

He kept scratching his head with puppy face. I sighed.

“Seriously… why the fuck do I even bother with you…”

“Sorry… Here, let me make it up to you~” He opened his arms and started getting closer.

“Wha – No! You idiot I just told you – “

“Aw c'mon just one huug~”he tried to hug me, but I kept slipping away from his hold.

“I said no!!! Did you even listen to me just now!?! N – _He Tian!!!”_

I finally gave up and he caught me, putting one hand under my knees and the other around my torso, placing me onto his lap and then hugging me tightly.

I groaned “Grr... You're such a pain…”

“Then you're a cure?”

“More like a painkiller.”

“Isn't that the same?”

“No. Because painkiller has the word _killer_ in it.”

“Aw why are you so harsh… Well, I don't mind. I'd die too if it's by your hand.” He said and rubbed his head against my chest. I blushed as my heart skipped a beat.

I started playing with his hair, gently dragging my fingers through each black whisker. He completely relaxed and let me touch him, his breathing getting steady and slow, his chest slowly moving with each breath. I swear I wouldn't be surprised if he starts purring.

 _‘Really… Like this, you look more like a teddybear than the devil.’_ I thought as I watched him so peacefully pressed against my chest _‘A big black teddybear…’_

His hair was wet as well as his shirt, visible darker blue ares around chest and shoulders from sweat that already cooled down as well as his body, which kinda worried me.

“Hey, you're gonna catch a cold like that. You idiot.”

He didn't answer. Didn't even move.

“Oi are you sleeping? I'm gonna punch you.” I lightly shook him, but since I didn't get the answer I just kept dragging my hand across his shoulders.

“Hey, really, you're gonna fall asleep like that… He Tian..?” I shook his shoulder again “He Tian, I'm not gonna wake you up if you fall asleep. You hear? Imm leave you here to rot.”

Still no answer.

“Oh come on don't be an idiot, at least let's go inside. Hey hey, listen, if you get your jacket I promise we'll get back here. How about it? Oi” I ruffled his half wet hair.

“Mh… five more minutes….” He rubbed his head against me again.

“No more minutes! Get up now! If you get ill I'm not taking care of you again!”

“Nn…” he buried his face into my shirt “Ya okay… I will…. Now….” And despite saying that he didn't move.

I sighed “If someone sees us now, Imma kill you for real.” I put both my hands around his shoulders, shielding him from the wind as much as I could. At least I can do this.

_‘Really… How can someone like this be dangerous…’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else hates it when you find a bearably good fanfic but its in one block or is it just me? Maybe I'm too strict... But rly, HOW CAN I FKN READ, A BLOCK?! I MEAN! Even if its great it gets boring like that soon enough! That's why I always try to make my fanfics at least easy to read! Like, I divide the dialog okay!!! Bcs from personal experience, if the dialog is all in the same block as the story, I just get lost! Anyway, Merry Christmas to all catholics out there! (lol idk when the catholic Christmas is, like did it pass or?) Don't forget to leave a comment, kudos and tell me what u think! Thank u for reading hope you're enjoying my shit~ XD


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH MY TOUGH SCHEDULE IS FINALLY COMPLETED! Now I can breathe again. From now on, I'll try to post more often.

“Didn't you say _I_ will choose the movie?”

“Yeah, but that was last week~” He Tian said as he put his bag on the floor and started rusting to find a movie _‘we'_ just bought.

“And why is now different?”

“Well I changed my mind~” he simply said with a smirk.

“Why you little – “ I sighed “At least tell me you picked something good….”

“Of course~ This is a movie of my childhood.”

“Then it's either porn or horror. Or both.”

“Ha ha ha.” He said in one tone.

I shrugged my shoulders “I’m only realistic.”

He put his middle finger up and I just warned him imma break it if he does that again.

“Okay you go get the blanket and popcorns, imma put this on.”

“ ‘Kay.” I headed to the kitchen but then stopped “Oh wait! Lemme see what we are watching…”

I leaned against his shoulder to look at the disc, and was surprised by its title.

“Eeehh? ‘ _Totoro'_?? Isn't that for kids??? When you said ‘a movie of your childhood' I didn't really have this on mind…”

“What are you talkin' bout? This shit's epic.”

“Well I don't know… If you like fluff stuff then it's a fucking thriller I guess…”

“Have you ever watched it before?”

“Hmm…” I stopped to think “I think I did with dad once… but it was a long time ago. I only remember two girls and that big thingy that was their neighbor.”

“Good, enough for the plot~ Now go get those popcorns. Oh, and bring the Cola too.”

“ ‘Kay… Whatever you say…”

I did as he said and got everything we needed. He put the movie playing, and sat onto the couch, practically lying on it, while I sat onto his legs, and leaned backwards, practically lying on his body. He covered us with blanket, and _I_ held the popcorns (because the pig would eat them all before I even tasted some).

I must say I didn't expect much, but it was really good actually. Even if the movie is for kids, it's relaxing and rather cute. Ill mother of little girls remainded me of my mother, which was… if I must say, somehow touching.

I almost fell asleep a few times, since He Tian was a perfect body pillow. So warm…. Does he ever feel cold?

White letters appeared over black screen as the movie finished. Words of credits floaded up and up… or was it down… it was hypnotising. I felt light snoring coming from He Tian. He was asleep. Great… Now I’m stuck. I tried to move, but he still held his hands around my neck and I feared that if I moved even a lil’ bit, he’d strangle me.

But to be honest. I didn’t mind staying in this position… His chest moved along with his breaths, and he is still so warm… he is more like a massaging chair or something. I was so comfortable I felt sleep slowly getting a hold of me too…

I gripped his hands, caressing them. I tried to shook him a bit but he didn’t react. And soon I gave up.

_‘Ugh… I need to go home…’_

I thought, and feel asleep still lying onto him.

❄  ❄  ❄

“Ngh…” I rubbed my eyes. The stupid sunlight woke me up again.

I took my time getting my mind to awake too. Then I realized I was still lying on He Tian.

“WAH!?” I twiched.

“Nh… What are you doing…” He Tian murmured sleepily and rubbed his eyes.

“A… ah… Sorry…”

He rubbed his half-opened eyes once more and brought me down, close to him again. I blushed as I was pressed against his chest. But soon I relaxed, and let myself enjoy this connection. I gently pressed my nose and lips against his neck, feeling his wonderful scent. He shivered and moved a bit.

“Hey now… it's still early, don't provoke it…” he said still in sleepy tone.

“I didn't mean it like that you pervert.”

Then again, seeing him shiver from that small touch was really tempting. I wanted to tease him more…

I got closer again, and slowly touched his neck with the tip of my nose. Then I ghostly started dragging my mouth across it too, slowly increasing the pressure from time to time. I went all over, from his chin to his Adam's apple and to beginning of his collar bones. I felt him shiver every time I touched him, and he was starting to wiggle a bit, which all tempted me even more. Then I did something I probably shouldn't have done… I went furter upward and licked the inside of his ear.

I felt him shiver much more, and suddenly the tables turned, and I found myself lying under him now.

“Hey now, what do you think you're doing? Tempting me like that… Didn't mama teach you that if you play with a bomb it'll explode?” he leaned in closer with a smirk.

“You’re a pretty sensitive _bomb_ for a fuckboy you play.” I answered blankly, looking him in the eyes.

“I _‘play’?”_ he quickly captivated my hands above my head and slid his other free hand under my shirt “Let's see who really _plays_ here~”

He drag his hand under my shirt, all across my stomach, up and down. He kissed me, pushing his tongue inside my mouth, and lifted my shirt up. I shivered and gasped quietly, wiggling my legs a bit. I could feel his groin pocking my tight, and I lifted my leg, gently pocking it back. Something I shouldn’t have done again….

But it was too late to go back now anyway. I moved my leg, massaging his groin while his kisses were becoming more aggressive as well as his touch. His fingers felt like they were on fire, warming everything they come across. Suddenly, they slid under my pants and I gasped under their touch. They slowly wrapped around my length, and I threw my head back, letting myself be touched. I didn't even try to hold my gasps back, because I knew that was doing him as fuck. And it felt good too, so I just relaxed and let He Tian take over control.  

“You're so energetic this morning…” he said licking his lips.

“Mh… I slept good last night… Must be that.”

“Is that so? Then I'll let you sleep on me every night from now on. I like the energetic you. It's really hot.” His voice lowered. He made one quick move with his hand and louder gasp escaped my mouth “It’s turning me on so much~” he licked his lips again.

I tried to free my hands but hopeless. He was too strong for me…

“H..He Tian, let go of me…” I interrupted his kisses on my neck.

“Why do you need your hands?”

“Are you seriously asking me that now…”

His eyes narrowed. I could tell he got something on mind…

“No you don't. Here, let me show you…”

He lifted his shirt and pulled both my and his pants half down. I blinked in confusion, but then he lowered himself down on me, pressing his groin against my own.

Suddenly, he started moving. He still held my hands locked above my head, but I didn't even mind anymore. The friction between our erections, the feel of his toned stomach against mine… his body was heavy but it didn't bother me, I bearly felt it. In fact, I enjoyed the feeling of his body pressed so close against my own, sliding up and down, making my breathing so heavy. It felt so good I could die.

He started kissing my neck again, and suddenly he bit me. _He bit me._

I thought it'd hurt, but actually it didn't… much beyond that. Without parting his teeth from my neck, he sucked on it hard. It did not hurt, but brought nothing but pleasure. My gasps were becoming louder. I don't know if it was my mysterious morning stamina, or something else mysterious that made it feel this good but…

It was all too much for me. I returned a few movements, increasing the pressure, then I came at the same time as him. He slackened his bite, and licked that place to make sure I don't feel pain even after this. But how could I… Pain was foolish to even think of, since he was surprisingly gentle.

I tried to catch a breath, seeing his eyes firmed on me. I couldn’t tell what they were saying… They were somehow different.

He kissed me again, and finally let go of my hands. I returned the kiss and put my hands around his neck. Then I remembered.

“Oh shit!”

“What?”

“I forgot to call mum again…”

He snored and rolled his eyes “Don’t be such a henpecker.”

“Henpecker? What, no – Wait… “ then I froze in realization.

“SHIT!”

“What now?”

“AGHH” I facepalmed and straightened myself using my elbows “I told her I'd go to a friend's to watch a movie… I never mentioned a sleepover…”

He looked at me in disbelief and started laughing “You’re a bigger genius than I am!”

“It's not funny!!!! I should've been at home now!!!!” I grabbbed my clothes and got up.

“Hey won't you shower at least? You can't go home like that.”

“Shut up.”

He was right though. I was all sweaty and covered in cum, even if I put my clothes on it'll get dirty too.

I sighed “But I guess you have a point this time….” I took my shirt off too, leaving myself completely naked in front of him. Then I grabbed the rest of my clothes from the floor “Imma take a quick shower and make you breakfast, but then I'm leaving. Don't you do anything funny.” I pointed a finger of warning at him.

He put his hands up “What are you talking about?~ I wouldn’t do anything.”

“You know damn right what I'm talking about. Just…. Ughh” I groaned “Nevermind, just don't move, or breathe, if possible. That way we can be sure the humanity is safe.”

And with that I headed to the bathroom. I didn't even mind that he was staring at me the whole time. Let him be. I didn't mind. He's my boyfriend after all.

Jesus he's right I am turning into a henpecker….

Now that I think about it, this is the first time I've used his bathroom… Or second? I'm sure I used it after the first time we slept too. Though I didn't pay as much attention then.

His bathroom was huge and pretty modern, just like the rest of the house. I filled the bathtub with hot water, sipped some body-gel and dug in. I know I said it'd be a ‘quick shower' but, this is too good to be wasted.

“Haa… this actually feels great…” I mumbled to myself.

I reached the shampoo to clean myself, and then stopped and just stared at it.

_‘Holy shit!!! This shit's expensive!!! No wonder he smells so heavenly!’_

I was turning the black bottle in my hands still stunned. Like, _this is a fucking shampoo! And it's like a fucking VIP brand! Just how much money does he have?!_

I bowed my head and sighed. I could only dream about buying this once… I felt bad to even use it now…

But on the other hand, this is a rare opportunity to see how rich people take a bath.

“Waah it smells so good~”

I don't know why the chicken balls am I so happy about a shampoo…

Wait. Doesn't that mean I'll smell like He Tian now?  

I blushed.

‘ _Ghhh stop thinking about such nonsense!’_

“How the fuck was that a _quick shower_ you were there for fucking 30 minutes at least. Were you jerking off or something?” He Tian asked as soon as I came out of the bathroom.

“Fuck you. I'm not a pervert like you. What do you want for breakfast?” I started putting my clothes on.

“Pancakes.”

I stopped, my shirt halfway down my torso “Again? You didn't even think about it….”

“Waffles then.”

“….It's always either pancakes or waffles for you… How can you start a day with so much sweets…”

“I like sweets.” He smiled “That’s why I like you~”

I blushed “You and your shitty jokes….” I sighed “Pancakes it is.”

I started going around the kitchen, collecting stuff I needed to make breakfast. Suddenly something ringed.

“He Tian, is that your phone or mine?”

“Eh? I don't know.”

“It's yours, I see it on the table.”

“Oh, okay.” He got up to pick up his phone.

“Hmpf, is it the message from one of your fangirls?~” I teased him.

I went to the living room to take an empty bowl of popcorns from yesterday to wash it.

“So what flawor do you want? I saw you got strawberry jam, blackberry jam – “

He didn't move. He stood there, in front of kitchen table holding his phone, his head bowed looking at it, his free hand clenched in a fist.

“….He Tian..?”

No answer. He just stood there like hammered. He gripped his fist so hard his hand was trembling, and I could see veins popped through his skin. The atmosphere quickly changed from very normal and pleasant to very uncomfortable and intense.

Something is wrong.

I swallowed hardly.

If he's angry…

If he's angry, I'm gonna be in trouble again...

I was scared, but I slowly approached him.

“……He Tian…?” I reached my shaky hand out to him “A – Are you oka – “

Suddenly, he turned around and I twiched and dragged my hand back.

But he was smiling.

“Yeah I'm fine. Everything's great. What are you talking about?~” He grinned.

I looked at him confused.

“W – What happened? Are you – “

I was cut off when he brought me closer to himself, hugging me.

“Of course I'm fine. You got nothing to worry about.” He looked at me with soft expression and smiled again.

I was a little shocked by this sudden change. I expected him to go mad by now, but…

I relaxed in his hold and we stayed silent for a while like that.

I caught a glance of his face. His eyes were pitch black and his jaw clenched. His gaze was distant and full of all the bad emotions. I knew he was lying.

Something was terribly wrong.

I was thinking of what to say. But then I gave up, and just put my hands around him, hugging him tightly.

I wanted to tell him that he doesn't have to worry, that whatever it is it'll be fine, everything will be just fine… But seeing his face like that, I knew no words would be of any help. So I just hugged him like that, rubbing my face on his chest. I need to show him that I'm here for him.

 _‘I don't know what's wrong but… I'm here.’_ I said in my mind. I hope that he understands.

“You should go now.” He said “I’ll take you back home.”

“Eehh? No way! If mum sees you she'll find out! I'll go by myse – “

“I'll take you.” He repeated blankly in one, serious tone.

“O... Okay…” I glanced at the pancakes behind him “So I'll wait for you to eat then – “

“I’ll eat later.”

I see he's not in the mood to talk… With such a cold face… I shouldn't argue with him.

“It’ll get cold………” I said a little bit disappointed.

His eyes widened a bit, and then his face suddenly changed to much softer expression.

“Don’t worry.” He said with a smile and patted my head.

On our way to my home, we haven't spoken a single word. I was looking at him all along, but he just kept gazing around, as if he was looking for someone or something. He had his moody face on, so I figured I shouldn't even try to start a conversation. So I just kept caressing my hand and looking at him discreetly.

 _‘Won't you at least talk to me? Say something…’_ I was thinking while looking at him like that. Looks like he doesn't understand after all…

“Okay, so…. See you later?” I said as we reached my building.

“Yea, see you later~” he waved to me with a smile.

‘ _What was that..? Weird.’_

I didn't want to check my phone, because I was afraid of all the calls and messages from mum… I don't want to read them…

She must be furious… What the hell will I do?

I tried to open the door silently, but they had to fucking squeak.

I twiched to the loud sound, and waited a bit. Then I slowly got in on my tip-toes. The light turned on.

“So you're finally here.” I heard mum's voice, and saw her by the light-switch with crossed arms “I thought you decided to move to your _friend's._ ”

I swallowed.

“I - I'm sorry…”

“Food is on the table, in case you didn't eat.” She said totally blankly and went to the kitchen.

I followed her soon after, determined to accept my destiny.

I sat and ate my already cold food quietly, while she sat across me in her pajamas and thin bathrobe. I wasn't able to look at her…

“So…” she started “How did it go?”

I raised my sight “Huh?”

She didn't look angry. In fact, she was grinning.

“Aren’t you mad?”

“Mad? Hahahhaha!” her face changed to serious “Well, I am a bit, since you didn't call me again… But otherwise, why would I be!” she started laughing again.

“Stop that… you're creeping me out… okay so, what's the catch?”

“There is no _catch_ you silly! I told you love is a good thing! You know how long I've been waiting for you to find someone?? It's not easy to deal with you, I was already giving my hopes up…”

“Hey.”

“But now, I feel more secure! So say, how did it go? What is she like? Do you only cook for her or does she cook for you too? Tell me everything.” She leaned on the table with wide smile, all happy and waiting for my answer.

We just stared at each other like that for a while as awkward silence raised upon us. I started awkwardly eating my meal, but still refused to talk to her.

“Oh come on Shan! Say something!”

I was thinking of what to do. If I tell her, will she piss off already? Or will she find out? Or will she be even more persistent until she finds out?

I sighed “She’s very beautiful, a little heavy headed, she plays uninterested in anything but actually has a good heart, she loves sweets, and I cook for her… because she's a terrible cook.”

I felt weird using _she_ when I was thinking of He Tian, but it's important to not exclude her from my life completely, because that would only make her take things in her hands.

“I see. She sounds like a nice person. I'm really glad.”

She smiled again and I only nodded and went silent again. That's as much as she'll get, I won't say anything any further.

“Do you use protection?”

I spitted my cereals along with the milk.

“What the fuck mum?!” I blushed from ear to ear.

“You don't have to hide it. It's all normal. Mum underst – “

“ _We're not like that!”_

She stared at me with half-closed eyes, as if she already knew that was a lie.

Then she pointed to her neck “Guan Shan, did you look at yourself in the mirror this morning?”

“Huh?” I blinked and touched my neck. It hurt if I pressed it.

I quickly got up and went to the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror.

“FUCK!” my loud scream echoed through the house.

_He got me a hickey!!!_

_Fucking bastard, I told him not to do that shit on visible places!!!_

“AUUGHH…” I slid next to the sink.

“I’ll really kill him…”

Next time I need to search on Google, can you love and hate someone at the same time?

❄  ❄  ❄

“Is this surely what he asked for?”

“Yeah.”

“Why the fuck does he need this? Isn't this a kid?”

Two guys stopped their chitchat as they reached the big office.

“Here. All the information you asked for are here, Sir.” One of them threw the documents packed in yellow cover with a picture on it on the table.

The man in big leather chair took it, and looked at the picture and papers in silence.

“ _Don't close mountains,_ is it? What an interesting name.” the man in the chair spoke as he held the picture.

“I’d like to meet him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> My only comment on this chapter. All I can say is, this is when shit starts going down. *demonic smirk*
> 
> Hahaha sorry for that... Sooo tell me what you think in comments, leave a bookmark and kudos and thank u for reading! I hope u enjoyed ~


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.... *yawn* ik ik im late again.... But I woke up at 18 pm today (every year a new record, gee I'm surprising ms on bad lvls woo) I wish you all New Year and new start! Hope it will be good, and I also hope you all had fun last night! 'cuz I sure did lol evn a bit too much maybe... My head is killing me. 
> 
> I wish ur 2017 to be as gay and happy as possible! :D

_“Here. All the information you asked for are here, Sir.” One of them threw the documents packed in yellow cover with a picture on it on the table._

_The man in big leather chair took it, and looked at the picture and papers in silence._

_“Don't close mountains, is it? What an interesting name.” the man in the chair spoke as he held the picture._

_“I’d like to meet him.”_

* * *

 

He Tian's POV:

I locked the door behind me as I got into my safe and quiet apartment. I checked at least two times if the door were locked before I started taking my shoes off.

My breakfast was still on the table, waiting for me.

I sat and just stared at it for a while, before I started eating it.

It was really good. Even for ordinary pancakes, it tasted like some prestige breakfast from five-star hotel or restaurant. He is so creative, he always makes everything taste better. Be it some complicated dish or just waffles. With soft texture, perfect sweetness, blackberry jam and whipped cream on top, it'd go from simple pancakes to breakfast from heaven. For some people, a glass of juice would be too much of sweet for one morning, but not me. I like sweets. Thus it fit in perfectly, giving those pancakes even greater taste.

I chewed and swallowed it rather hardly, the feeling of something stuck in my throat hurt.

_‘I really like sweets…’_

_Then why does this taste so bitter._

I dropped the fork I was holding, and put my hands on my head. It just hurts so much…

I thought juice would intensify the taste, but I still feel nothing.

Only bitter taste of tears I was holding in. It hurts, it hurts so much my head wanted to explode. Eating the food he made only made things worse. Every bite of those pancakes reminded me of him. And they tasted really great…

_‘Dammit! I can't… I can't lose him…’_

I quickly dragged my hands through my hair, weeping. I felt so pathetic, so weak and so little… I don't like that. I don't like that at all.

I caught a glance of my phone through my blurry sight. The message from dad was still there.

_> >I heard you found someone special. I'd like to meet him~<< _

The sorrow I was feeling suddenly turned into rage, and I quickly got up and grabbed my phone. I was about to crush it, but then I remembered that I already destroyed one new phone not long ago, and it'd be better to spare this one.

Despite my raising anger, my rationality prevailed and the phone survived. I just locked the screen and dropped it onto the floor, and crouched.

Every time.

Every time I find something dear to me, he takes it away. No matter was it a candy, a thing, a feeling, or a person…

He always had to have everything in his control. He held me like a puppy on chain.

Dammit!!! How did he find my phone number anyway?!? I changed it the fifth time for two months!!! How?!?!

“DAMMIT! FUCK GODDAMIT! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! WAS MY FUCKING LIFE NOT ENOUGH?! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME ANYMORE?! FUCK!!!”

I lost my breath and I had to stop to reclaim it. Then I realized I destroyed half of the house in affect. Everything was broken and/or at the wrong place. Well, at least the phone stayed in one piece.

I reached the kitchen again in few big steps and quickly grabbed my cigars. I had problems lightening one because my hands were trembling like crazy, but eventually I did it.

Then I started walking around the house, and finished in front of my big windows, smoking.

A smoke was the only thing that could calm me down when I'm like this. Well… he's an exception.

I raised my head up and exhaled the smoke. I had to keep my head up, so tears wouldn't slide down my cheeks. I won't cry. No matter how hard it is, I won't cry. I'd rather die than let anyone see me cry, and that applies to myself too.

If you want to protect something, you have to be strong.

That's what my brother used to tell me. Then how can I protect him if I'm this weak?

I like sweet. But feeling of being weak is the most bitter. That's why I hate it. I fucking hate this.

_‘If you aren't strong enough to overcome something, then there is no point. Being weak or being strong is the same if the problem is stronger.’_

I could see dad through blurry memory, standing above me, putting his hand on my head.

_‘That's why you have to become the strongest.’_

“Fucking shut up…” I dropped my head and put a hand with cigar across my face.

My hands were still shaking, but I mostly calmed down now.

I watched the city-lights through  windows in front of me. The sky was dark blue, but no stars in sight. The smoke and dirt in the air swallowed them whole. Big vitreous buildings just like mine stood equally ordered next to one another.

Boring.

Everything is so boring. So pale, so blurry. Just like those stars. They shine and shine brightly and beautifully, decorating the sky, but what's the point in that, when dirty atmosphere of humanity covers it all.

That's why I'm like this. People call it cruel, emotionless, psychotic even. They see no point in pretending that you don't care and hurting someone you love, but I see no point in their desperate tries to live lushly and over-happily. Why shine, when you're gonna wear off? We'll all die anyway. I'm not saying you should sit and wait to die, I’m just saying there's no point in reaching out for something when you don't know if it even exists.

“Dammit… What the fuck am I thinking… I shouldn't be like this… This is all wrong…”

The night passed and the sun was starting to raise from afar.

That is the only star that shines no matter what. Even when you can't see it, it doesn't stop shining. And when it comes, all mighty and gorgeous invisible stars from the sky disappear under it's light. You could say, it's the strongest.

I finished my morning cigar and got back into the kitchen. Everything in my body hurt, and I didn't feel like eating, but I don't want to throw away those pancakes. That's why, even if they are tasteless, or taste bitter, I'm gonna eat them. Because he made them for me.

I know. I know he wants me to tell him, I saw it on his face. But… I can't. I just can't talk about this with anyone. Not even him.

It's more like… I don't want to get him involved. But I can't tell him that either. I don't want to make him worry. So I'll just lie, like I always do. But this time, I'll lie for something good.

❄  ❄  ❄

I spend Sunday in sleeing (barely), and woke up early at Monday.

I don't know how I managed to oversleep the whole day…. Guess I was just tired.

Even though I slept one whole day, I still felt exhausted. Every bone in my body hurt, and my head felt like it'll explode every minute now…

Of course, I didn't have any medicine in the house. Dang it. I should really start buying at least painkillers.

I know he told me I can call him if I ever need something, but I'm not crazy to bother him just because I feel a little sicklish.

I closed a small kitchen cupboard and lied on the sofa. The house was still in same state as yesterday, since I didn't clean it up after I destroyed everything. Meh, can't be bothered. It's too much work to do, and I don't really mind it like this… Table or two turned… Glass or two broken… Apartment is big enough for me to move around without having to go through the mess.

I still had time until school since I woke up too early, so I treated myself with a morning smoke. My favorite. I didn't feel like eating today either…

When I got into bathroom I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. My eye-bags were as large as a truck, and I was pale as a vampire. Damn, I look like shit. I should at least shower if I don't want people to run away because I look like a drug addict.

❄  ❄  ❄

I had to force myself for an hour to actually go to school. I realized that I can't skip anymore classes if I want to pass this year. Even though my grades are pretty good, it doesn't mean shit if I don't go to school.

Everything seemed black and white, and I didn't have strength to answer people who wished good morning to me.

‘ _Fuck your goodness, this morning is shit.’_ Is what I thought passing by their worried faced on my appearance.

Headphones are really the best when you want people to fuck off.

Despite my strong wish, my body moved slower than a sloth, and I was of course late for first class.

There were almost no people around the school building, but then I spotted _him_ there, just tapping in place.

Is he waiting for me? Is he an idiot? He's gonna be late too…

I pulled headphones out of my ears as I approached him.

“What are you doing here idiot? You're late for class.”

“You’re saying! I'm waiting here for an entirety! I'm freezing to death!”

Only when I got closer, I saw him clearly. His eye-bags were bigger than mine, his face so pale, his clothes carelessly worn, and he seemed thinner then from when I last saw him.

“Damn, and I thought I look like shit…”

“S – Shut up… I couldn't sleep…”

“Why?”

“What do you mean _why?!_ ” he caressed his arm and turned his gaze away “I… I was worried… you didn't call me and… I didn't want to annoy you…”

“You…” I grabbed his wrist.

“Hey, what are you – “

Then I lifted him up, bridal style. He blushed and started wiggling.

“What are you doing?!”

Now I'm sure. He is definitely lighter…

“You lost weight.”

He stopped wiggling. Not only he was lighter, but I could feel by his thin and jaded wrists that he hasn't been eating properly, if he was eating at all….

“You idiot… have you been eating anything in past two days?”

He turned his head.

“I'm fine… It's no big deal…”

“What do you mean it's no big deal are you an idiot?! Look at yourself! You look like you survived a tsunami!”

“You're no better so shut up! How do you expect me to sleep or eat if I don't know if you're even fucking alive?! You could've at least called me!”

My eyes widened. He haven't been eating or sleeping properly only because he was worried for _me?_

He's really a bigger idiot than I am…

I needed time to process it all, not because I was tired, but because I'm still not used to this. I'm not used to having someone worry about me, or having someone at all. And he harmed himself because of me...

Even though I tried, looks like I can't fool him with my smile.

He's only making me feel worse…

I have to protect him.

“Um… He Tian… you can put me down now…” he said still keeping his head turned in other direction, trying to hide his blushing.

“Oh… Sorry.” I put him down, and he immediately moved few steps away, caressing his right arm. It's really cute how he gets so nervous about something so small.

“I'm going to class now… See you after school?”

I wanted to decline, I can't let him see the mess in my apartment and make him even more worried, and I really should avoid meeting him in public, for his own sake… But he looked as tired and desperate as me, his brows furrowed upwards… How can I say no to that puppy face?

“…Sure~” I smiled weakly and patted his head “Don’worry so much. Eat something. And get some sleep.” I told him and without waiting for an answer, went to class.

Unfortunately for me, as soon as I showed up, all females in my class flied to me with worried expressions. And as it was spreading through school, soon our class became a fucking museum of girls, and I had to come up with all kind of shit ‘cuz they were _‘sooo worried'_. Like I wasn't tired enough…

On the other hand, boys just thought I'm doing drugs. Well, I might as well say I do. Maybe then they'll leave me alone.

People would think being popular is pretty cool thing. Well lemme tell ya, it's a sword with two blades. As I said before, a box, a box on the head is what I need.

The day passed even more painful than morning, but I survived.

As classes finished and I finally got out of that hell, I saw him wave to me from afar.

_‘Okay… Let's do this….’_

“Hey…” he said with weak voice “You didn't show up on lunch-break… Did you eat?”

I shrugged my shoulders “I don't know.”

“ _You don't know?”_ He repeated in deeper tone.

I didn't answer.

“….um, so shall we go – “

“I have some stuff to do today. So I'm going alone.”

His eyes were so confused and so red, I could see he was tired too and at the edge of crying. But I remained cold, and simply passed by him.

“He Tian!” he shouted after me.

I stopped and turned around.

“….Will you…” he gripped his arm “.. just… call me, okay?”

I looked at him, and without any sign, walked away. Just like that. Without a ‘yes’ without a nod. Leaving him confused like that.

‘ _Damn, don't do this to me…’_

I slid against the wall on the first corner I came across. This will be harder than I thought…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh a first ch in 2017. so exciteeeddd!!! I'm sorry if it was a bit depressing, tbh I was about to just push in a quick extra, and do some cliche, but I didn't manage to... So I just updated ch I already had so far. Hope u like it! Leave a bookmark, kudos and all, ofc tell me ur opinion in comments! Thank u all for support and reading so far, and bearing with my laziness! Big hug! <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was about to post new chapter yesterday with notes complaining about no update of OX but then BAM! New chapter! I-m so happy that was so waaah ✩꒳✩

Guan Shan's POV:

  
I turned in my bed for the 1000 fucking time. I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t sleep at all.

  
I pressed hickey on my neck again. I can’t stop thinking about him.

 Something is terribly wrong, I know it. But I also know that he won’t tell me, and it bothers me so much… Did he eat? Did he sleep? Is he okay? What if he got sick again? Maybe I should go buy him some medicine… No, if he's sick he'd call me. Right? He promised he’d call if he needs anything. But he’s stubborn… What if something happened? Something terrible…

  
I shook my head.

  
_‘Stop acting like a mother. Sleep._ ’

  
I turned to side.

  
But what if his phone is broken and he can’t call me? Maybe he crushed it again… What if he went out somewhere?

  
I got up.

  
Maybe I should check on him…

  
Then I lied back down.

  
No, that’d only make him angry. He must be fine.

  
But maybe I should call, or leave a message, just in case…

  
I had to stop my own hand from grabbing the phone. The fight between myself was hard. I wanted to call him, but I didn’t want to annoy him.

  
But, the face he made… His reaction back then… What the hell happened? What is happening to him?

  
If he only wanted to talk to me… I wouldn’t be so worried…

  
I wouldn’t be sleepless, I wouldn’t lose my appetite…

  
But I see I won’t get any sleep this night either.

  
When I think about it, ever since we started dating I can’t recall one full night of sleep. I always wandered off to late-night thoughts, thinking about him. I’m really starting to think I’m the one who’s ill… I don’t know if it’s normal to think about someone that much. I suck at all the love shit stuff…

I know he needs space, but just ignoring me like that hurts... He should know that much... For at least three days now, he acts like a fucking asshole. And I don't mean as before we started dating. I mean _really_ like an asshole. He completely ignores me, and when I do try to talk to him, he waves it off like everything's fine.

But it's not. I know it's not...

’’GHAAH!“ I started rolling around in bed and hitting the pillow in annoyance.

He's just confusing me like this!

I checked my phone. Still no calls, no messages, nothing. Empty.

_’Come on... Please... Pleaaaasssseee....’_

’’What is it that you want? Huh? I don't have money, but I can manage something... Anything... Anything you want...“ I said curled up on my bed, begging my phone to ring. And after an whole hour of my despair, still nothing. Gee, was it stubborn.

’’Oh come on you bitch! Just one _ring!!!_ Come on!!! It won't kill you!!!“

’’Honey?“ the door opened slowly and darkness in my room was disturbed by light.

’’What are you doing? It's late, you're going to school tomorrow, go to sleep...“

I didn't even care she saw me bowing to my phone, placed there on my pillow instead of _me_ like a king. I still begged it in my mind. Maybe it'll go softer now, since mum is watching.

’’I'm busy mother. Don't disturb me.“

I heard her sigh and she slowly sat next to me and started caressing my back.

’’Honey, look at me.“

Nope. I'm not talking to you.

Then she took my phone.

’’Hey! What are you – It almost _ringed_ I feel it!“ I immediately jumped.

’’That's enough.“ She said with a serious face and put the phone away.

’’You _will_ talk to me. Now.“

I made a grumpy face, refusing to look her in the eyes. But she also held _her_ grumpy face. We were both stubborn as hell.

’’Shan... Look, you can't pretend everything is okay when I see it's not. But I can't read your mind, I'm not a witch. If you won't talk to me, I won't know what's wrong. But that won't stop me from worring. You're just torturing me like this.“

At first I didn't even twitch and still held my gaze somewhere on the wall, but then I thought about her words. And holy shit. I realized I'm doing exactly what He Tian is doing to me.

She's just worried about me, she's my mother after all. And all I'm doing is either waving it all like it's okay, or refusing to even try talking. That really sucks, I know the feeling, I hate it, and yet...

I'm being an asshole too. To my own mother.

I sighed ’’You're right... I'm not okay...“

Her expression softened, and her shoulders dropped, relaxing. Somehow, she looked relieved.

’’Tell me. What is bothering you?“ she said with gentle voice and came closer.

’’It's just...“ I started and then stopped.

What should I say? ’Hey mum, so you know, ya I was lying, I have a boyfriend for like five months now?’

I can't... I just can't... I know I'm being a jerk, but I think knowing would only hurt her more...

’’Is it about your girlfriend?“ she suddenly asked.

I lifted my head and opened my mouth. I needed some time to answer.

’’....Yes..“ I bowed my head and started playing with the sheets nervously.

’’Something happened, and... She's just ignoring me now. Like we're not even in a relationship. When I said something happened, I didn't mean... I mean, we didn't fight or anything, we were fine, that's why I...“ I struggled to explain, and I unconsciously just broke, and started crying ’’That’s why I don't understand... Why is she doing this... But she won't talk to me...“

I was talking through my sobbing, but she understood.

Then she hugged me and put my head on her shoulder.

’’Oh honey...“ she patted my head.

We stayed like that for some time, without saying a word. She let me cry myself out, gently caressing my back. Only when she was sure I mostly calmed down, she started talking.

’’You’re so young, your feelings at the moment are not clear enough. I'm sure she doesn’t mean it. Try talking to her once again, and make your attitude clear. And if she doesn't respond to that either, then she might be not good enough for you.“

I lifted my head ’’What are you saying?“

She put her palm against my cheek ’’Honey I... I don't know. If you're not sure like that, maybe you should – ’’

’’NO!“ I shouted without letting her finish.

’’I didn't even finish the sentence...“

’’I know what you wanted to say. I'm _not_ gonna break up. I don't care what you think.“

’’But honey – ’’

’’I'm tired.“ I lied down and covered myself with a blanket ’’You should go now. Thank you for listening. It helped, really.“

She stayed quiet for a while, but then I heard her get up and the door closed, letting darkness take over the room again.

And I let it cover me too. It was like a double blanket. I tried not to think about anything and just sleep. But the more I suppressed it, the more it came back to haunt me.

And so I fell asleep sobbing, when I got tired of crying.

❄  ❄  ❄

As soon as I woke up, I decided I need a break from my phone. So you could say, I broke up with my phone. That's it, no more begging! I'm just making myself feel worse.

I was even thinking of not taking it to school. Since I go back home right away after school I don't really need it....

_Bzzzz bzzz_

Huh? Is that..? I thought I heard... Nah. Can't be.

With the corner of my eye I saw mum taking my phone.

’’Shan, who's _’The Bastard'?“_

’’GIMME THAT!!!“ I literally jumped onto her, grabbing the phone, and sliding to the floor in the process... I kept sliding all the way ’till I stopped almost hitting the wall.

I saw He Tian's number on the phone screen. _It was real!_

I quickly got up, cleaned my throat and passed by my very confused mother.

’’Ahem, yes, hello?“

_> >What's with that polite royal greeting? No ’hey douchbag' or ’you damn bastard!’?<< _

’’I'm going to school now too.“

_> >....Is your mother there?<< _

’’Yes.“

He groaned loudly, but he was patient enough to wait ’till I got out of the apartment to a safe zone.

’’What do you want jerk?“

_> >Now that's more like it. That's my Momo~ <<_

’’Shut up and don't call me _yours_. I don't have time. What do you want? And don't try slackening of or I'll hung up.“

_> >Harsh from the start, I like that~<<_

I was on the edge of hanging up but –

_> >Waitwaitwait babe! Sorry I got carried away again haha. Wanna go on lunch together today? I'm waiting for you in front of school.“_

’’Hold on, I didn't say I want to – ’’

But he hung up.

’ _Bastard.’_

I speed up my steps to the point where I was almost running.

’ _You think you can do whatever you want? You think you can hurt me and ignore me, and then act like it's all nothing?’_

I didn't even realize I was running to school. Why the hell was I running?

_’I'll show you. I'll fucking kill you. Just you fucking wait. I'll – ’’_

I stopped when I saw the school building in front of me. I got there faster than I expected...

He Tian waved to me from the yard.

’’Yo~“ he said, his usual voice and usual grin.

I didn't answer, because I was panting.

’’What’s with you? Did you run here? Why, you wanna see me that badly? Look, you’re swea – ’’  he reached his hand to touch me, but I slapped it.

’’Don't touch me.“ I said in serious tone.

His eyes were wide open in disbelief.

’’I see you're still mad.“ He said surprisingly calm.

’’HELL YEAH I AM YOU ASSHOLE!“ I screamed, not calm at all. I didn't even mind that all eyes were suddenly on us. Let them enjoy the show and pierce his pride a bit. Bastard deserves it.

’’YOU DIDN'T CALL ME FOR A WEEK NOW, WHAT THE FUCK?! I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVEN HAD HOPE WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU, YOU FREAK!“

He grabbed my arm and started dragging me across the school yard while I cursed and wriggled, students around us making space while some girls held their hands across their mouths, murmuring confused at the scene in front of them.

Finally, he dragged me to the back abandoned yard and let go of me, which I accepted gladly, making few steps back.

’’There's no need for making a scene. This is between us.“

’’So much of _’I don't care about my reputation’_ crap.“ I caressed my arm, feeling my emotions fighting against each other.

He didn't answer. Just stared at me for a while.

’’WHAT?!“ I asked annoyed.

’’I’m sorry.“ He finally said.

’’Nice try.“ I remained cold.

He was quiet for a while, as if he was thinking of what to do next. Then he started approaching me with opened arms.

’’NO!“ I pushed him away.

’’But babe...“

’’Don’t you _babe_ me you jerk!!! I'm not your girlfriend, you think I'd fall for that?!“

He put his arms down with dissatisfied puppy face look.

’’What do you want me to say?“ he weakly shrugged.

’’What do I want you to say?! Tell me why the fuck didn't you call me.“

He looked at the ground, then he spoke again.

’’Okay, you got me.“

I narrowed my eyes, waiting for what he'll say next.

’’I lost my phone.“

My eyes widened and I burst into laugh ’’Oh you'll have to try harder than that, _babe._ “

’’I’m telling the truth. I didn't intend to, at first two days I really didn't want to call you, but at third I realized how pointless my life is without you and said ’well fuck it all!’. So I wanted to call you and apologize...“ he scratched his head ’’but I couldn't find my phone. I searched for it everywhere but hopeless. It dissappeared.“

I crossed my arms and lifted my eyebrow ’’Oh really? And why didn't you simply approached me at school then?“

’’Because I knew you wouldn't believe me.“

’’Hell yeah I wouldn’t. I don't even believe you now.“

He stayed speechless and continued tapping in place. I gave him chance, waited and waited, hoping he'd say something that actually _makes sense_ , but I can see he has no more resolves.

’’Do you want me to wait for you at usual place for lunch?“

With my arms still crossed, I gripped my hand. I see I won't be getting any better.

’’Alright.“ I sighed and said, and his head suddenly popped up like he saw a fucking rainbow. I see he has hope too.

’’But just to make it clear.“ I said walking beside him ’’That is your last chance.“

And I walked off, not waiting for a reply. I just hope he'll get it serious this time because I'm serious.

_Dammit! Why do I even do this? Why am I so fucking nice to him while he's being a total asshole?! Is it my fault for letting him do what he wants?_

_Why do I...._

Why do I want to give him another chance? Why am I even trying...

Do I maybe hope he'll change or something? Yeah, right. I fucking know that it is true, _no one_ in this world is more stubborn than He Tian.

I shook my head and speed my steps. I could feel cold wind slapping my face like it was telling me _’get reasonable idiot!’._

_’Why... do I care so much for him?’_

Maybe because I love him.

I stopped.

Stood there in place, looking at my feet.

What did I just..?

The wind stopped blowing for a moment, making the silence around me suddenly so obvious.

I wanted it to be a lie. I wanted me _to know_ it's a fucking lie.

Why..? Because...

I gripped my arm so tightly it hurt.

Oh who am I kidding.

I do love him. I do fucking love him okay! I love him so much...

That's why I give him another chance, that's why I stupidly hope something will change.

I just didn't want to admit it to myself before, because I know how much fucking hurts when your love is not returned. That's why I’m, you could say, afraid to feel... And I strongly believe that one is common with the two of us. That as well may be the source of the problem.

But I also can't keep denying it, buring it down like it doesn't exist and keep lying to myself. After all, I'm just a human too. And humans have emotions.

I didn't remember at what point I crouched and started sobbing. I refused to cry, but I couldn't stop the weeping sounds coming from my throat.

Maybe this was too much for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw anyone else notices Guan Shan was lying in his bed in He Tian's jacket? 
> 
> U wanted to do sth there Momo? *smirk*


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyaaa guys! The exams are coming so wish me luck ~

I bought some sandwiches and headed to the second floor of school. Most people lose their appetite when they are upset, but not me. In fact, I get like a haunting animal. So I figured just one sandwich won't do today.

He was already there, with headphones and hands in his pockets.

There was an awkward silence while we were going to the rooftop, to the very moment we came there and found a nice spot to sit and eat in peace. It continued even after that.

After awhile, I realized He Tian wasn't eating.

’’Aren't you gonna eat?“ I asked munching my sandwich.

’’Nah I ate already ~“ he smiled weakly.

I swallowed ’’For some reason I don't believe you...“

He stayed silent for a while.

’’I can't eat.“ He finally admitted, and started pulling out a pack of cigars from his pocket ’’It makes me sick.“

The clicking of his lighter was the only sound after that. Well, except the sound of me eating my sandwich.

’’That’s because you eat garbage. I'll prepare you lunch next time.“

He laughed ’’I see you're not mad anymore.“

’’I am. But that doesn’t mean I have to be a douchbag.“

He didn't answer to that one, just chuckled a bit.

I watched him with the corner of my eye. His eyes were so emty and distant I felt like I was with a ghost.

’’Are you okay?“ I asked with concerned expression.

’’..Hm?“ He answered after like five minutes ’’I’m just fine. Don't worry. Just a bit tired.“

He brought a hand with a cigar up to his mouth, and just then I saw scratches and bruises around his knuckles. A lot of them.

’’Wait what is that?!“ I grabbed his hand and pulled it closer to my face to get a better look at it ’’What did you do?!?“

I gently dragged my thumb across the wounds, not even minding the smell of cigar so close to my nostrils.

’’Did you get into a fight again?! You never had this much!!!“

He gripped his hand and then relaxed it again.

’’Nah I just...“ he stopped, blinking ’’I just... Um... I just broke something...“

He dragged his hand back to take a smoke.

’’You _’broke something’?“_ I said in deeper tone.

Again no answer.

I turned my head in other direction and stared at my feet again.

’’...You're not gonna talk to me, are you?“ I asked a little bit disappointed. Not that I expected anything, but... I did.

He didn't answer again.

His cigar was already burned up to half, but that didn't stop him from drowning the very last smoke from every breath. Every time he brought hand up to his mouth, I'd see the cuts on his knuckles and it gave me chills no matter how many times I saw it.

At one point I couln't take it anymore. It made me angry to be honest.

I took the cigar away from his fingers and throw it away somewhere.

’’What the fuck?! I didn't even finish it!!!“ He said angrily.

’’It’s gonna finish you. You're poisoning yourself.“

He snored and rolled his eyes, but soon after he started pulling out another one.

But I grabbed the whole package this time.

’’Leave. That.“

He gave me the combination of ’wtf' and angry look, but that didn't scare me or upset me. What upsets me is his condition right now.

I put the little box in my bag and took another sanwich out of it.

’’Here.“ I gave it to him.

’’I'm not hungry.“

’’Eat anyway.“ I demanded.

I saw he was about to refuse again, but he probably saw that I won't back down, so he gave up and took the sandwich.

He took his time before ripping the thin plastic bag around it and bringing it to his mouth.

He chewed and swallowed rather hardly, but despite that I could see he's hungry.

’’Really... If you're hungry you should just say so. How long didn't you eat you idiot?“

He didn't answer because his mouth were full.

He swallowed the sandwich in three bites, like it was nothing. Damn, he must really be hungry.

’’You want more?“ I pulled out another one.

Without saying anything, he accepted it gladly, this time eating with much more ease.

I slowly took his wounded hand in my own, and brought it to my lap. I started caressing the scratched knuckles, and let my hands wander. I gently dragged my fingers across his hand, from his fingers, nails and palm, to his wrists, feeling the rough skin. I also noticed his wrists were thinner. I won't even ask how long didn't he eat.

’’You should take better care of yourself, idiot.“

I locked my fingers between his, and put my head on his shoulder.

He stopped chewing for a moment, surprised by my action. But soon after, he tightened his hand around mine too, our fingers interlocking together.

This made my heart beat faster, and I rubbed my head on his biceps. His fresh, strong, well-known scent was a cure for me.

’’What's with ya? After all my trying all you do is kick me in the balls, and now I haven't called you and you become all cuddly?“ he said jokingly.

’’I don't know. I guess... I just missed you.“ I answered honestly ’’Don't you become too cocky though. This is the last time you'll be getting away with it.“

I closed my eyes, and felt my breathing becoming steadier. His body was really warm and I enjoyed this connection. I wasn't even angry anymore. But I won't tell him that of course.

’’Want me to follow you back home today?“ he broke the silence.

’’Please do.“  

I wanted that moment to last forever, but of course that was impossible. I didn't pay much attention to classes, because I couldn't wait to go home, just to be with him.

Surprisingly, our trip to my home wasn't filled with awkward silence. He still didn't want to talk about what was bothering him, but we managed to talk about regular things, like we used to do. And honestly, I was so glad. A little laugh and chit chat is all you need sometimes.

’’Okay the, I'll call you~“ He Tian said as we reached the area near my building.

I laughed ’’Nice try. If you don't keep your promise I'll _seriously_ kick you in the balls.“

He laughed too and waved a goodbye to me.

I started walking away, but then I stopped.

I turned around and shouted ’’He Tian!“

He stopped and turned around as well.

’’I...“ I opened my mouth to say something, but stayed speechless.

’’....Nothing.“ I said, embarrassed, bowed my head and gripped my arm.

I was looking at my feet, waiting for him to go away before looking up again. But then I saw another pair of shoes in front of my own.

He placed his thumb and index finger under my chin, lifted my head up and kissed me.

I blushed but didn't react.

He looked me in the eyes, and I noticed his were somehow different then before not long ago.

’’See you later.“ He said almost whispering and started moving away.

But suddenly, something clicked in my mind, and I grabbed his face and shut our lips together. I surprised both myself and him with this action... But I don't regret it. I wanted to kiss him so badly. I wanted to hold him close, tell him how much of a jerk he is, and how much I love him despite all that, and to never let go.

He put one hand on my nape and other around my waist, bringing me closer and deepening the kiss.

I dragged my hands through his hair while his wandered up and down my body, giving me chills wherever they touched.

He pushed his tongue in, and I titled my head, alowing him to push it deeper, repeating the action at the same time.

My whole body burned as our mouths disconnected, my sight blurry through half-closed eyes. My breathing was heavy and so was his.

’’Now _I'm sure_ I'll see you later.“ I said jokingly.

He smirked ’’You sure will~“

I felt my body getting a bit colder as he was moving away further and further. But I still feel the warmth on places he touched. It was like my whole upper body was burning under some invisible heat.

Soon, he disappeared from my sight, and I walked home like drugged. I was suddenly so energetic.

_’...Huh?’_

I stopped and looked around.

_’...Just now... I thought I saw someone... Was it my imagination?’_

I’m really going insane. Like someone would fucking want to stalk _me_ or something.

I laughed to myself.

’ _Ridiculous.’_

❄  ❄  ❄

I leaped to home like a fucking 5-year-old girl.

_’What the chicken balls is wrong with me, it's not like it was our first kiss or something...’_

I tried to walk normally, but again, I ended up running on stairs.

I opened the door of my apartment and saw mum on other side.

’’Oh my, you're breathing so heavily, did you take the stairs? Wow, someone's energetic today~“ she said with a grin.

’’You seem pretty energetic too...“

She closed the door behind me and took my schoolbag.

’’I’ll hold that for you. I just got back from shopping, so food will have to wait a bit. Sorry~“

’’It’s okay. I'll prepare something if you want.“

’’Oh no don't bother. I wanna talk with you about something.“

I started going into kitchen but then I heard her shout  ’’Go on the couch honey!“

I was confused, but didn't question her and did what she said.

It's not like we have a living room, since our apartment is small, but we do have a couch and an armchair behind kitchen. More like a dining room, but we call it ’living room' anyway. That's why when she says _on the couch_ instead of just living room, I knew it's not good. In fact, I felt like I'm going to the court and not _couch._

So I just sat there all confused, already praying in my head.

’’So what did you want to talk about?“ I said still waiting for her to come.

’’ _MO!!!“_ she screamed from the hall.

I swallowed. Here we go. ’’What?“

She came holding a pack og cigars in one, and my bag in other hand.

’’Since when do you smoke??!“

’’WHA – I don't!!!“

 ’’Then explain _this!!!“_ she pointed at the package of cigarettes.

’’I don't know!!!“

Then I remembered that today I put He Tian's cigars in my bag... Except I forgot to give it back to him.

_’Oh.’_

’’I held them for a friend!“ I lied.

She lifted a brow and shook her hand with cigars in it ’’This was in _your_ bag.“

’’What were you doing with my bag anyway?!“

Her expression turned to angry, but she slowly sat down ’’Honey, you know you can tell me.“

’’ _I told you I didn't!!!!“_

’’Don’t you shout at me.“

I got up ’’This is pointless! I told you the truth!!! If you don't wanna believe me, fine!!!“

I started walking away annoyed.

’’...Are they from your boyfriend?“

I stopped. Her words cut me like a frozen sword, and I couldn't move.

There was a long silence after what she said.

’’Are you gonna tell me the truth now, or you're gonna lie to me again?“

I didn't answer.

After an entirety, I turned around to face her. I didn't have any comments, but I think my expression was worth 1000 words.

She put her head in her hands ’’Oh my god, so it _is_ true.“

She drag her hands through her red hair ’’To be honest, I suspected before, but it was more like a hunch. But then today, while I was going back from shopping, I saw _it_ and...“ she shook her head.

Wait.

She _’saw it'?_

Then I put two and two together.

’’Wai – _It was you???“_

_Oh my god._

If she saw _that_ I'm gonna die.

I literally jumped onto him, and we were making out outside!!! _Fuck_ why did she have to see it now of all times??!?!

’’Sit down.“

I slowly dragged my blushing self to couch, and sat down with such unease as if I sat on needles.

She turned the pack of cigars in her hands few more times before putting it aside and looking at me.

’’What is his name?“ she asked.

I hesitated a lot before answering.

’’He Tian...“ saying his name out loud in front of my mother was harder then I thought.

’’How old is he?“

’’He's... Same age as me.“

’’So you're going to same school?“

’’Yes...“ I obediently answer each of her questions.

’’So how long have you been together?“

I swallowed ’’Around six months...“

’’ _SIX MONTHS?!?“_ she shouted ’’ _When did you plan on telling me?!? When you get married and run away?!?!“_

I blushed even harder and bowed my head.

’’I... I was going to tell you...“

’’ _When?!“_

’’WHAT DOES IT MATTER YOU KNOW NOW ANYWAY!“

’’JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THAT'S NOT THE POINT GUAN SHAN!“

She put a hand across her face again and inhaled.

’’At least tell me you're using protection....“

I almost chocked.

’’WHAT THE FUCK MUM!“

’’So you're a virgin?“ She asked with a _serious_ expression, and I knew I shouldn’t lie to her this time.

’’....okay we're using protection.“

She covered her face and got up ’’Oh for fucks sake...“

’’WELL WE'RE TOGETHER FOR SIX MONTHS WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!“

’’I don’t wanna know!!!“

’’WELL YOU ASKED!“

’’WOULD YOU SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE?!“

My head was pulsing, but I have to be reasonable. This was hard for her to swallow, I knew that. So I gave her time.

She walked through the kitchen that was right next to the armchair she was sitting on awhile ago, nervously nibbling her nails, while I stayed on the couch with bowed head, not able to look her in the eyes.

She supported her body with both hands on the sink, her head bowed between them, looking down at the dishes in it.

’’You won't see him anymore.“ I suddenly heard her low voice.

’’ _What?“_ I raised my head, not believing what I just heard.

’’You heard me. I don't want you to have anything with him anymore.“

Now that I was sure I heard it right, I jumped from the couch ’’ _Why?!?!“_

She still held her gaze on the sink ’’I just want to protect you. And if that requires forbidding you to see him, I will do that as well.“

’’ _You can't do that!!!“_

’’I can and I will.“

’’NO!“ I shouted ’’I LOVE HIM!“

She suddenly turned her head to look at me, her eyes widened in disbelief. But I held my serious face on, because I'm not taking that back.

’’I mean it mum.“ I added.

She stared at me for a long time, straighten herself and pressed her eyes to hold back her tears of anger.

’’Guan Shan, I said it. You won't see him again and that's over.“

I clenched my fists ’’And if it was a girl would it be okay?“

She looked at me with mouth wide opened ’’I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!“

’But you thought it?“

’’I TOLD YOU I JUST WANT TO PROTECT YOU!“

’’FROM WHAT?! HE'D NEVER HURT ME – ’’

’’WELL YOU DON'T LOOK VERY HAPPY TO ME!!!“

I didn't answer to that. We both stopped, breathless from all that shouting. I felt my blood boiling in my veins, uncontolable anger growing within me more and more. I clenched my fists to the point my nails almost ripped the skin on my palms.

’’Mo, please... I – ’’

’’ _JUST BECAUSE IT DIDN'T WORK OUT WITH YOU AND DAD DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE YOUR MISFORTUNE!“_ I accidentally shouted when my anger grew so much it had to come out somewhere.

But I made a huge mistake.

I shouldn’t have said that. But it was too late now.

Her face stayed stoned, but her expression sad. I could see her eyes were shiny as a crystal, because she was on the edge of crying.

She bowed her head, letting red bangs cover her eyes.

’’Mum...“

’’Go to your room.“

She said with trembling voice.

I wanted to hug her. Tell her how sorry I am, and to just hold her ’till she'd say she accepts.

But I couldn't. I knew she was on the edge right now, and the last thing I want is for her to have a stroke. Because of me. _Nothing_ I do or say in this moment can fix what I've done.

So I just went to my room, and closed the door.

I didn't bother to turn on the light. I like it when it's dark. That way I can pretend the world around me doesn't exist for a moment or few.

I dug my head into the pillow. The way I felt now was undescribable, and it was the worst thing in my life. So many emotions fought in my stomach, making it hurt. I can't even cry anymore. I'm tired of crying.

I fucked up. I fucked up on so many levels.

Just when my relationship with He Tian starts to heal, I destroy relationship with mum. Now I can say bye-bye to ever seeing He Tian again. She's gonna lock me here forever.

And furthermore, I have no idea how many _sorries_ do I have to say to make this up.

How could I be so stupid?

It's not her fault that dad is a total asshole... Nothing that happened was her fault. She was just unlucky. She gave up on everything to raise me. Even her health. And I said that, like it was her fault...

_’Dammit...’_

I let my body fell to the side, on mattress. I started thinking about everything she said.

Why won't she let me see him? Sure, I didn't tell her, but because of this! But would she react differently if I've told her the truth from the start?

I don't think so... Maybe she would've been less angry, but she still wouldn't let me see him.

I don't like that.

The anger that almost faded was slowly getting back.

What the hell does she know about him anyway?! What do any of them know?!

_’’You should stay away from him.“_

_’’To me you don't look very happy!“_

’’Shut up... You know nothing...“ I mumbled to the little voices in my head.

I looked at my palm.

_’Unhappy? I'm not unhappy... I love him...’_

Sometimes I wonder if that's enough.

_’No I'm...’_

I gripped my hand. I wanted to talk to him so bad...

Wait. Why can't I?

I got up, sitting on my bed.

’ _That's right. Why can't I?’_

Suddenly, the little rebellious thought swam on top of all those emotions, and I got so much energy out of nowhere. I feel like I could run a marathon now.

_’I don't need to listen to her.’_

I checked at least 10 times if the door of mum's room were locked, then got to hall on my tip-toes, grabbed my shoes and keys and got out as quietly as I could.

As soon as I got out of the apartment, that tiny blast of energy burst through my body, and I started running down the stairs.

This was wrong. This was soo wrong. I knew it, I was conscious all right. But I didn't care. This was the first time I've done something like this, and for now, I don't feel any regret.

The wind slapped me as I got out of the building. It was cold. Freezing, to be honest. And despite the fact I was wearing only a T-shirt and thin sweat-suit around it, I didn't feel it at all.

All I could think about now was him. I need to see him right now. I need to talk to someone, and that someone is him.

Is this what they call ’love’? Turning into a crazy motherfucker?

I don't know what the hell was I doing, but my legs moved on their own.

And soon I was looking up at his building.

Whoa that was faster then I expected.

I was covered in cold sweat and my heart was pounding like crazy, so I gave myself a few moments to _breathe_ before going in.

The building inside was dark, but not so dark that you can't see where you're going.

It was so silent it was almost creepy.

It wasn't even _that_ late. Does only pensioners live here or something?

But actually, this way is better. Silence was good for a change.

I took the stairs since I was too scared to use an elevator. Don't get me wrong, we all know scary shit happens in elevators in every horror movie.

It was a long trip, but I finally arrived at his floor.

I hope he's not sleeping...

Pff, yeah _right._ More like _I hope he's home._ It's He Tian after all.

As I stepped on floor of the hall, the elevator clicked.

So there are people walking around at this hour after all? Thank God I'm not the only one...

Light from elevator slowly spread through the dark hall, lightening up the wall in front of it.

Two young men, around their 20-ies I'd say, stepped out of it. They both wore military printed pants and black T-shirts. Somehow, they looked familiar... At least one of them. But I couldn't recall why or how...

When they caught a glance of me, they froze and turned in my directon.

’’Could you be... Mo Guan Shan?“ The taller one said in cold voice.

I swallowed. This is not good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'll be making more than this fanfic like rn, bcs I can't find a good fanfic in ANY fandom anymore.... IM A FANGIRL I NEED MY DRUG OKAY! I feel like the good fanfic writers are dying... like literally. Not that I think I'm sth special, but cmon ppl! Evn in one chapter, you CAN make a story! Or maybe my taste is just too stirct.. :/
> 
> Anyways, I hope u like this chapter, so thank u for ur reading so far and keep it up! Comment to tell me ur opinion so far, and leave a bookmark if u like it >\\\\\


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyaaa~ So, just to say there is one chapter here missing... Yes, u heard right. I was planning on posting one extra ch for Valentines, which I did (on Wattpad..) cuz the fkn AO3 didn't want to post my ch, they kept saying ERROR ERROR and I was srsly pissed off, but it was too late and Valentines passed... So I let it go (cuz whats the point of Valentines' Special ch if its not posted on Valentines). But its super cute I swear, so if u still wanna read it here's the link (trust me, u'll need it) https://www.wattpad.com/372583066-19-days-set-me-free-17-valentine%27s-special and read the notes after that too pls! Im also sorry for being late again, I got sick (again, yes I get sick a lot which sucks but im a fragile being what can I say) so writing was a pain in the ass for these few weeks, since... screen. Hurts my eyes. But Im feeling better now, so I managed to finish today!

_''Could you be... Mo Guan Shan?“_

_I swallowed. This is not good._

How do they know my name?

’’What's it to you?“

’’Whoa, you have some balls to answer to Big Bro like that.“ The other one said.

Only now I got a better look of them. On of them was tall, strong-looking, with brown hair and tiny eyes. The other one was shorter, full of tattoos, with white hair slicked back and sharp eyes.

They both look scary as hell. They gave off some bad vibes. I don't wanna get involved with them.

’’I - I don't know you.“ I said.

The shorter one raised a brow and burst into laugh. The taller one stayed pocker-faced though.

I don't know why, but the eyes of that taller one... They were somehow familiar... They were dark grey colour, almost lifelessly looking. But for some reason, I didn't feel like I see them for the first time.

’’You're going with us.“ He suddenly said and grabbed my arm.

’’Wha – ’’

_Crash._

A loud cracking sound stopped the event, and made us all turn around to see the source of it.

Behind the big guy who held my arm, I saw He Tian standing. His fist was on the wall, or rather _in_ the wall, which was cracked in barely connected pieces around his fist. His face was like nothing I saw before. It was full of anger, his eyes darker than this hall.

’’What is going on here?“

He spoke in scary cold voice.

We were all silent for a moment, and the big guy finally let go of my arm. I dragged it back to my body and brushed it. Damn, he has a strong grip.

He Tian seperated his fist from the broken wall, and started walking in our direction.

At this point, I don't know what's scarier. These guys, or his face. Or this whole situation.

The white-haired one laughed again.

’’Why if it isn't He Tian? ’S been a long time man! Fancy seeing you here!“

He Tian still held the same expression when he approached us.

His eyes met with the taller one, and I swear I saw them getting darker with every second, if it's even possible.

’’You didn't answer dad's calls, so he said we pay you a visit.“ Tall guy said.

He Tian suddenly stretched his lips into a smile.

’’Ohh I see~ So brother only wanted to see me~ You missed me that much? You should've called first, so I'd know you were coming.“

’’Brother?“ I asked out-loud, and drew attention to myself.

Even though He Tian was smiling, that smile was so fragile and so fake, he looked like he wasn't even trying to hide the fakeness of it.

Tall _’brother’_ looked at me.

’’I see...“ he said ’’So he doesn't know.“

’’I don't know _what?“_

The white-haired guy smirked at me. I was totally confused.

’’Guan Shan, come here.“ He Tian said, still holding his gaze on tall guy.

I swallowed. This was the first time I heard him say my name. And in such a tone...

Without questioning why, I slowly dragged myself between two guys.

As soon as I got closer to He Tian, he grabbed my arm and forcefully pulled me behind himself.

’’Isn't that rude now? You should at least introduce him to your family.’’ Big guy said.

’’Huh? Family?“ I said.

So these guys are He Tian's family?

’’Guan Shan, this is my Big Brother. Big Brother, I believe you already know him.“ He Tian gave them a deadly glare.

Then suddenly it clicked to my mind. Now I remember!

’’Ah, you're that guy from back then!“ I said and they all turned to me with wide opened eyes.

’’You were with Zhang and Jian Yi that night!“

And also I remember He Tian got his middle finger up to him, but I didn't mention that.... I figured they weren't in best relationship.

The white-haired guy laughed and said ’’Gee you didn't explain him anything at all Tian did ya! Aww you didn't even introduce me, I'm hurt~“

’’You're nothing to me.“ He Tian said to him.

’’Now don't say that~ I'm his brother too, so technically I'm your brother as well~“

Like he saw my confusion, he turned his eyes to me.

’’We’re all brothers you see~ He Tian has a big _biiig_ family.“

He started getting closer and I shuddered, but He Tian immediately took a step back and almost glued me to his back.

The man took his glare as a warning and stopped.

Then he turned to his brother again, with a fake smile.

’’Well, you saw me, it was a short but great visit. I think you should go now~ We're busy at the moment. Next time make sure you call me before you visit~“

’’I think you don't understand...“ His brother said in cold tone and started approaching us.

’’No, I think _you_ don't understand.“ He Tian approached him too _’’I think you should go now.“_ He repeated with much colder and scarier voice.

They stood a few centimeters away from one another, both glaring with deadly scary eyes. The atmosphere was getting more and more tensed. I felt like I was watching a black panter and a tiger that were about to fight. It was like a game of two fires. Flames in their eyes making the suddenly creepy dark room even more chilly.  The white-haired guy also had his evil aura grown, and stood up in Bering's triangle. I felt my hands trembling for no reason.

Suddenly, his brother backed away.

’’I’ll make sure to call next time then.“

White-haired guy twitched in surprise.

’’What?! Bro, we came here for a reason! Lemme spill some blood...“ he said smirking at me and I felt chills going up my spine.

But He Tian's brother put a hand in front of him, as if he was telling him to stop.

’’There's no reason for making a rufus now, Feng Chi.“

Feng Chi, with obviously disappointed and angry expression clicked his tongue.

’’Let's go.“ He Tian's brother ordered.

Feng Chi hesitated, but soon after he followed Big Brother with the sentence ’’This isn't over.“

And soon after, they were gone.

I stood frozen right there, thinking what the hell just happened.

After he was sure they were gone, He Tian dropped his shoulders and exhaled.

Then he turned to me, grabbed my shoulders and pinned me to the wall with angry expression.

’’What the hell are you doing here at this hour?! Are you crazy?!“ he shouted at me.

’’I – I just wanted t – to see you...“

’’Well you saw me now!!! Happy???“ he was still shouting and I stayed speechless like a little injured bunny, not knowing what I did wrong.

’’I - I'm sorry...“ I said, trembling.

His face then softened, his brows relaxing upwards and his eyes becoming their usual grey again.

’’No... It's not your fault... Jesus...“ he hugged me ’’You scared me...“

I could feel his whole body trembling too. Then he let go of me and started walking around the big hall. He was cursing to his own chin.

’’You should go home now.“ He said, dragging his hand through his hair and started murmuring something I couldn't understand.

’’Call me when you arrive home. No, they might be listening the phone network.... Send me a text.“

He turned around to look at me.

’’But don't forget okay? And also“ he approached me and grabbed my shoulders ’’Never, _never_ come here without me! Especially this late! You understand? _Never!_ And don't forget to send me a text, but _a text_ not a call! Understood??“ he shook me a little and I just nodded.

The way he spoke was very fast and very anxious. I didn't like it.

Suddenly, I started feeling stupid for coming here in the first place. What was I thinking?

’’Guan Shan!“ I heard his voice call my name as I reached stairs. I really wasn't used to this at all....

’’Did you come here dressed like that?“ he asked.

’’H – Huh?’’ I lowered my gaze to the clothes I was wearing ’’Oh... Well... Yeah... I kinda ran out so... I didn't really see what was I wearing in the first place...“

’’You fucking idiot. Do you know it's lower than 0° outside? You wanna get fucking frozen?“ he approached me taking off his jacket, and putting it on me ’’I don't know how to take care of sick people, okay?“

He patted my head, and with that and the sentence ’’Be careful.’’ He left.

I was walking around town lifelessly, much different than when I stupidly ran away from home.

Jesus, I'm such an idiot. I hope mum didn't wake up and got a heart attack.

And it is fucking cold. I feel it now. Even He Tian's jacket wasn't enought to keep the heat from my body to volatilize under the cold night outside. But it was still much better than my thin sweat-suit underneath it. It kept me from  freezing to death, on some level.

I got into my apartment the same way I got out of it. On tip-toes, locking the door, and slowly closing the one to my room.

I was fine.

I sat on my bed.

Up until now I was fine.

’’Hh...“ I covered my mouth to muffle the weeping sounds coming from it.

My hands were shaking like crazy... No, my whole body was _trembling_ like an earthquake.

I didn't think about it.

All the way to home, and when it happened just awhile ago... It didn't reach me. Or did it? I don't know if it's just my habit, but sometimes when something ’big' or weird happens to me (which is not often, maybe that's why), my brain needs time to connect to my body and gets a reaction.

_I was so scared._

My palms were sweating and my breath was heavy.

_I was so fucking scared._

_What was that? What the hell happened? What on earth..._

I faced many bad guys in the past. But those weren't just some school delinquents. They are much more. I can tell. The vibes they were giving off, the look in their eyes... They were full of bloodlust.

Suddenly I remembered the way that Feng Chi guy looked at me, and I had to hug myself to stop my body from having a stroke. I was shaking as hell.

Then I started questioning myself, as if my brain was trying to find a rational solution.

_’Why were they there?’_

_’Did they intend to go to He Tian’s? With that attitude?’_

_’How do they know me if I don't know them?’_

_’Family? They are He Tian's family?’_

_’But they wanted to take me somewhere...’_

_’That tall guy is his Brother?’_

’’Brother...?“ I thought out-loud.

Then suddenly, it reached me.

Why I thought I've seen him long before...

I didn't. I was wrong.

But his eyes were so familiar to me...

’’Because they have the same eyes.“ I was thinking out loud again.

Yes. That coldness, calmness and depth... The colour, the shape, even the feeling they gave off as they look at you... That sharp changeable colour, piercing like a sword... He has the same eyes as He Tian.

There is no doubt they are siblings...

Then I remembered He Tian again, and trembled. Because I couldn't but think

_What would happen to me if He Tian wasn't there?_

Those guys looked and were much stronger than me, just the grip of his Brother was enough to make my arm _still_ ache. If they wanted, they could've just... take me away like that.

What the fuck, was I on edge of being kidnapped?

Is that what I'm thinking?

’’Nonononono—’’ I shook my head.

That's just... No, there must be some other _more_ rational explanation. They _are_ He Tian's _family_ after all. Maybe it's just their genes, to have a creepy attitude?

Yes, that must be the case.

And if he wasn't there...

If He Tian wasn't there, I'd... I wouldn't be able to do anything. He probably saved my life just now.

’’Gh...’’ My body fell to the mattress, my face hitting the pillow and muffling my weeping again. I slid my hand underneath my pants. I let out a gasp of relief after holding in the pain down there for awhile now. Usually I'd be too embarrassed to do something like this. Embarrassment was the reason I rarely when did this kind of thing, even though I knew that was stupid, but that's the kind of person I am. But now, I can't stop my hand. It just moves on its own...

 _’’Ah...’’_ I had to bite the pillow, because my gasps were getting louder, and waking up mum was the last thing I wanted. My hips were getting hot, and I felt it _back there_ twitching too. Almost like something was missing, like my hands only weren't enough... I could try to take care of _that_ too... But there's no way I could. Even in this state, something like that was too much for me.

The corner of He Tian’s jacket tickled my nose and touched my mouth gently. I could almost feel his thumb pressing my lips, and his lips caressing my cheek as his smell wavered off the jacket over to me. I remembered He Tian's dark grey eyes, and that was it. My semen filled the palm of my hand, and I barely saved my pants from getting wet too.

’’He Tian...“ I didn't even bother to clean myself up. I fell asleep sobbing again.

⭐ ⭐ ⭐

_’’What’s with that hair?! Your parents allow you to dye your hair or you're just naturally ugly?!“_

_’’Haha, good one bro!“_

_Annoying. Just die._

_’’Hey, what's with that look?! Wanna fight?!“_

_I don't wanna fight, I wanna eat my sandwich in peace for once._

_’’Leave me the fuck alone, brat.“_

_’’W-What?! We're the same age, who you callin' a brat?!“_

_’’Get him big brother!“_

_I put my half unfinished sandwich down and sighed. Why, every time..._

_’’WAAH BROTHER!!! YOU... YOU REDHEAD MONSTER!“ The smaller kid who was cheering awhile ago now cried upon his injured brother and his crew._

_’’Scram. And tell your buddies to never disturb me at lunch again.“_

_The kid looked at me with teary eyes and sobbed._

_I grabbed my sandwich by the way. It was already destroyed. Such a waste. I didn't eat anything today, this was my last hope. But I was used to it._

_’’Oh, and by the way'' I stopped and turned to the startled kid ’’My hair is natural.“_

_I got into the classroom, grabbed my bag and without a word headed home. I think I'll need a plaster for my lip. That brat was strong... But I'm used to it. The bruises, the fading scars, the scratches. Imma write on a paper ’my hair is natural' and put it on my head. Though, I doubt it'd change anything._

_’’WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! I'M SICK OF YOUR LIES, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL GET A DIVORCE—’’ A scream and a crashing sound. I closed the door behind myself._

_’’SHUT UP!!! IF YOU DO THAT I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!“_

_I took off my shoes._

_Crying sound._

_Are they fighting again? I exhaled and dropped my shoulders. I was used to it, so it's okay._

_I came near the kitchen and saw mum covered in bruises, crying on the floor with broken plates lying around her._

_’’H-Honey, go to your r-room...’’ she said behind her bruised arms._

_Dad saw me and started approaching me. I could smell the alcohol. He must’ve been drinking again..._

_Mum's begging was the only sound in the background. He lifted his angry fist in the air shouting and—_

⭐  ⭐  ⭐

A scream. I woke up covered in sweat, shaking.

’’What the hell... Stupid dream...“ I put my hand on my forehead and waited for it to stop shaking. I didn't have a nightmare since dad went to jail. Why now, of all times...

I walked around house. Mum wasn't home, but her bed was still messy.

 _’Weird...’_ She usually makes her bed right after she gets up. Maybe she's out for shopping.

I scratched the back of my head and realized my hand smells weird.

’ _Oh crap!’_

I forgot to shower yesterday!!!

I immediately ran to the bathroom full of embarrassment as my memory got cleared.

’’GROSS!“ I screamed, not even pouring shower was enough to mute that. Thanks god I was home alone.

I was almost late for school ’cuz of my way too long shower. I kinda lost the sense of time, and coming to school didn't change that at all. I felt like a living corpse walking around without thoughts and point. My body moved by reflex, but my head was on another planet.

I saw Mei Ying nearby, talking with friends. Oh no. If she sees me, she's gonna jump right at me with her squeaking voice. Usually I don't mind, but right now I wasn't in a mood to deal with it.

_’Why am I like this..? Because of a fucking dream? How ridiculous...’_

’’Ah!“

He Tian! Just the person I need! One talk with him, and I'll forget everything bad.

I ran to him but then slowed down. I noticed he was alone, which was unusual by itself. To be honest, he wasn't looking his usual brilliant either. Nothing too obvious, but I can tell. He was a bit pale with decent eyebags, and the aura he was giving off was so dark, I kinda understood why no one approached him... A _’fuck off'_ was basically written on his forehead. Looks like I wasn't the only one who had a bad dream...

’’We need to talk.“ He spoke as our eyes met, before I could even say ’hey'.

He dragged me all the way to Abandoned Part of school and I followed without a word. Something in my stomach ached, like it was telling me not to go. But yet again, I ignored my instincts because I wanted to be with him more than anything. I need him. I need him so bad.

’’So um...“ I started dragging my foot nervously for no reason ’’I was thinking, if you're free after school, we could go grab a coffee or something...“

’’No.“

’’Huh?“

’’I'm not free after school. Are you deaf?“

’’Wha-'' my eyebrows furrowed ’’What do you mean? What are you doing that is so important? And what’s with that attitude?’’

He shrugged his shoulders ’’I don't know. I'll think of something.“

I felt my face warm up ’’Quit acting like a jerk! I'm not in the mood for that. You're being annoying.“

’’Well you're no better.“ He said coldly.

I opened my mouth, stunned. I was slowly getting angrier. I only needed someone to cheer me up today, but...

’’What is wrong with you?! You've been ignoring me for almost a month with no apparent reason, then you come back with the shittiest excuses I ever heard and act like nothing happened?! You really think I can just forgive that?!“

But his expression didn't change. Here I was, shouting my lungs out, while he stayed cold as a snowstorm.

’’What is wrong with you... I...“ I gripped my fists as my sight was becoming more and more blurry.

’’Do you know how freaking scared I was yesterday?! Some random dudes twice bigger than me who I _never saw in my life_ called me by my name, acted like they know me... Wanted to t-take me somewhere...“ my voice was starting to break ’’Do you know how scared I was?! All I ever wanted was an explanation!!! But you just won't talk to me!!! Am I that unimportant??? You know so much about me, and all I know about you so far is your name!!! Why won't you open yourself to me???“

His eyes were distant, looking at the ground. I barely could see him through my blurry sight, tears sliding down my cheeks.

’’ANSWER ME FOR FUCKSSAKE!“

’’Look.“ He finally spoke with rather low and indifferent voice.

’’I need space. And you're not giving it to me. You're too needy for me. So I thought about it, and I think it's better if we get this over with.“

I blinked a few times. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

’’W-What do you mean _get this over with..._ Are you _breaking up with me?“_

’’Do you need it drawn?“ he remained cold, and that was enough for me to understand I heard well the first time too.

I felt something in my chest. Something hard, like a rock but much bigger, hit me between the lungs and painfully slow tear them apart, then spread through my whole body like a thunderbolt.

’’Goodbye.“ He started walking away, but I immediately ran and grabbed the sleeve of his shirt.

’’Wait a second!!! You can't do this to me!!! Y-You can't...“ I struggled to stay on feet, because my legs were suddenly betraying me ’’Why...“ I asked the only thing I could.

He watched me with those cold dark eyes, and removed my hand from his sleeve.

’’What do you not understand? I got tired of you. Nothing too complicated. That’s how it always goes after all. You really thought you were special?“

Every next word of his enlarged my rock of sorrow, and it started growing thornes that got to my heart.

I stood there shaking, bitting my lip to stop the sobs, looking at the ground. I hopefully waited to either wake up, or for him to laugh and say this is one more of his shitty jokes. And God I swear, I'd forgive him even that.

But nothing changed.

’’Well, at least you were a good fuck.“ He added turning away.

And that's when the rock of sorrow turned into anger. This time, not a slap, but a punch. I clenched my fist tightly, threw it behind and back forward, right into his face. I punched him like a man. He staggered backwards but stayed on his feet. He's lucky he's a tough motherfucker. His nose started bleeding and he started touching it, obviously a bit surprised himself. I punched him so hard my hand was shaking.

’’Forget what I said about knowing your name only...“ I stood in front of him with determined face ’’I don't even know you anymore.“

He didn't even look at me.

’’ _I HOPE YOU DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT! DIE AND BURN IN HELL!!!“_

And I turned around, and left. Just like that.

As I was walking, I thought I heard him say ’’I’m already here.“ Under breath, or was it my imagination...

But it didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whispers* I'm sorry I hurt you...
> 
> But heeeeyyy, on the good side, I was on AO3 offical Tag of The Day tumbrl page! Yay! (details in the NOTES on Wattpad after Valentines chapter, https://www.wattpad.com/372586951-19-days-set-me-free-notes-please-read
> 
> haha...
> 
> Be happy with me pls dont kill me I value my life


	18. Chapter 18

I was lying on my bed when I heard the door opening.

''Honey?" I heard mum's voice.

"Will you eat something at least today?" I heard a sound of plates lighty trembling as she moved the tray.

I didn't answer.

She sighed.

"Did I do something? Is it my fault? The cooking's not good? I mean, I know I'm not the great cook like you, but – "

''You're a great cook, mum." I mumbled through my pillow.

The light from the hall spread through my room more as she opened the door further. She put away the plates with food, smell of fresh homemade meal spread through the room. I felt kinda bad for not eating it, but I just can't. The very thought of putting something in my stomach and stressing it more gave me cramps.

The mattress dented as she sat on it.

"Are you gonna stay silent and keep this hunger riot untill you starve to death?"

Didn't answer again.

"And also, I found your shoes at Wednesday, they were dirty even though I washed them that exact day! Did you maybe go out without me knowing?!" she tried to soud angry, when it was obvious she was just trying to make me talk, say at least a word.

"You know I let you go everywhere, but at night?! And without me knowing?! How am I supposed to sleep at night?!" she kept nagging, some of her real anger behind it.

''Did you go to that boyfriend of yours?! He has a bad influence on you, next time – "

"I don't think there will be next time, mum."

She stayed speechless. It didn't take long for her to get it.

''Hope you're happy now." I barely moved my head as I was saying that.

''Oohh... Baby..." she spoke with lower voice. I felt her hand caress my shoulder gently ''I'm sorry... I didn't know..."

She kept stroking my shoulder and arm gently.

''And why would I be happy about it?! Don't just say what you want! I can only be happy if you're happy!" she tried to sound offended, but this time I don't think it was half act. I didn't answer again.

''When...? Why...?" she kept questioning me.

''Mum, I really don't want to talk right now. I'm not feeling really well, so...''

''Right, right. Of course, sweety. Do you want me to find you some medicine?"

''I'm fine." I simply answered with liveless voice.

"Okay." She patted my head and started closing the door.

"Mum! Actually..." I finally turned my head to look at her.

"Yes honey?"

I got on my elbows to straighten my upper body up "A glass of water would be good..."

"Right away honey." She smiled softly and closed the door after herself.

I sat on the bed. The smell of fresh food was still there. I noticed she didn't take the tray with her. It looked good though. She really tried. But no matter how sorry I felt, I couldn't force myself to eat.

The door opened again.

"There you go, honey." Mum walked in holding a glass of water in her hands.

"Thanks mum..." water was the only thing I could swallow without pain, because it was tasteless and light... Well, it was water.

"I'm sorry... About what I said before. I mean, everything." I gripped the empty glass between my palms.

''Don't worry about that." She said with a smile and slowly walked away once again.

I sat in the dark with an empty glass in my hands. I knew I should put it away, on the cupboard, but I couldn't. I felt like I was holding myself. Small, fragile, and empty. That's how I felt. No matter how strong I tell myself to be, nothing but our break-up scene keeps coming to my mind. I don't remember how long was it since I've eaten or slept well.

That's why I don't like relationships. Just when I get attached to someone, they ditch me just like that. And I loved him. I really do... Even now I...

"Gh-" I put my hand up intending to throw that glass in smash it into pieces. I suddenly got a strong need to destroy. Just like he destroyed me. _And it drove me crazy._

 _"WHY DAMMIT... BASTARD... YOU WERE THE ONE WHO CAME TO ME! YOU WANTED ME! SO WHY?!?"_ I gripped the glass so tightly it almost broke in my arm, but somehow I managed to breathe and the glass stayed alive.

I took some time to cool the rage in my chest, but it just wasn't fading. However, my rationality was coming back. Small talk with mum opened my eyes. I can't stay like this forever, dripping my tears for a bastard that's probably fucking someone else already at this moment.

I was thinking of going to school today after all. I need something to get me back to life. I missed few of first classes, but it's not like anyone will be surprised. So I decided, packed my bag in rush and left without saying bye. I will send her a message later.

I was dragging my numb body, desperately trying to make it move like a human and not like a sloth, but it was like wishing for an apple from a cherry tree. I heard footsteps tapping behind me, becoming louder and louder until I felt short arms around my torso. I turned around only to see Mei Ying with her bright smile and shiny blond hair.

"Oh... It's you."

"Oi, what's with that reaction? Did you expect someone else?" she raised her brow.

"...No..." I answered and pulled my school bag back on its place – my shoulder.

"So, um... You weren't coming to school for awhile... I mean, I didn't see you, I'm not saying that means you weren't there! Just, um..." she stopped talking as she noticed I wasn't answering back.

"Are you alright?" she asked and stopped in place "Mo..."

"REDHEAD!!!~" a loud scream of my stupid nickname startled me. There's only one person who'd call me that beside He Tian...

Another body covered mine, making me almost lose my balance. I felt soft hair touching my ear.

"Jian Yi, will you stop straddling people like that?!" Zhan Zhengxi came running after him.

Mei Ying blinked in confusion at both of them, and they did so too. Jian Yi suddenly blushed and squeaked as if he saw a ghost.

"A-A girl?! And a cute one! Whoa Mo! Wait, weren't you dating He Tian?!"

I blushed "She's not my girlfriend! And how the hell do you know He Tian and I – " I stopped, stupidly reminding myslef I shouldn't be talking in present time.

"Well? Won't you introduce us?" Jian Yi patted my head. My eye twitched in annoyance.

"This is Mei Ying. Mei Ying, these are two idiots that won't stop bothering me. Now please get the hell off me." I said to Jian Yi, who was still hanging on my shoulders like a monkey on a tree. He pouts and slides off.

"Aw, come one Mo~" he came over to Mei Ying and reached out his hand politely.

"I'm Jian Yi, this is my boyfriend Zhan Zhengxi~"

"WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" Zhan Zhengxi immediately blushed from ear to ear and jumped a bit in shock.

"Why?" Jian Yi blinked totally bluntly.

"Relax, I'm okay with that kind of stuff~" She chuckled and shook his hand "I'm Momo's friend, Mei Ying~"

"Momo?" he blinked and both Xi and Jian Yi turn to look at me.

"Don't even dare." I pointed a finger as a warning. But too late. Jian Yi bursted into laugh, while Xi tried to cover his mouth to muffle the laugh. I wanted to kill them both.

"Did I say something?" Mei Ying looked at me confused.

" _Momo~"_ Jian Yi teased.

"SHUT UP! I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!" I started running after them. While they teased me, we all ran around the yard like a bunch of middle-school idiots.

"You seem to be better~" Mei Ying smiled at me.

"Oh, by the way! Where's He Tian?" Jian Yi suddenly asked, and I could feel my weak smile fading away. All energy I gathered until that moment started dying again.

"Eh? _Ouch!"_ Zhan Zhengxi hit Jian Yi lightly in the head " _What did I say?!"_ I heard him whisper.

"Did you have a fight?" Mei Ying asked with concerned expression.

I took my time to breathe. Just the memory of what happened made my stomach twist in the most painful way.

"We broke up." I simply said, not even twitching. I tried to sound cool, but inside I was broken. Saying it out-loud hurt even more... I didn't even need to turn around to know how their faces looked like. They were stunned, speechless.

"Yeah..." I confirmed their disbelief "I guess anything's possible..." I looked at my feet trying to stop the pounding in my head.

Suddenly, I felt double weights on my back and I screamed in surprise. Monkey Jian Yi glued his extremities around my upper body, while smaller Mei Ying found place on my torso to break my lungs with her hug.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IDIOTS?!" I screamed desperately trying to stay on my feet.

"We're helping you!" Mei Ying said and rubbed her cheek on my back.

"YOU'RE NOT HELPING ME! GET THE FUCK OFF!" I swung my hands around trying to show them off. But hopeless, they kept clinging to me like duck-tape.

"Don't worry Mo! I'm sure you made the right choice dumping him! He is a jerk!" Jian Yi said rubbing his chin on my hair.

"HE DUMPED ME YOU IDIOT!" I screamed still annoyed by their clinging onto me.

"Then I'm sure he did you a favor!"

"Yea, you'll find someone much better! And hotter... More beautiful..." Mei Ying added from my waist, trying to sound encouraging but failing miserably.

"You're not helping." I said not at all sarcastically. Then I felt a pat on my shoulder and saw Zhan Zhengxi standing next to me... us.

"They're right, you know. You shouldn't live in the past and let it bother you too much. The best thing that can help you is to move on." He said with his soft but still serious face. Xi was the only rational person here. He could always calm me down just like that... On the other hand, these two only make me anxious. But, they helped too. A lot.

Jian Yi's face changed very quickly from happy to admiring "Waaah, Xixi that was so cool!~" he said with sparkles in his eyes.

"Quit making that face, you're creeping me out..." Xi twitched again. I couldn't help but laugh. Sometimes, they are even bigger idiots than I am. But sometimes, a bunch of idiots is what you need.

After I parted with them, I met Jia Zan and continued goofing off with him. We laughed and joked together for awhile, I didn't mention my break-up and he didn't ask. I got a feeling he already knew somehow.

"Hey, I just remembered I have to pick up something from a friend. Would you mind..?" he suddenly said between our laughs.

"Nah, go ahead. I'll be here. And stop treating me like a baby!"

He laughed a little and then made a concerned expression "I just wanna make sure you're okay..."

" _I'm fine,_ gee. Why is everyone such a bother..."

He laughed again and waved "Kay then, see ya in 10 minutes!" I waved back, and with that he was gone.

I have almost forgotten the actual source of my problem. I forgot the source, the pain they shooed away, but the sorrow was still there, lurking in the corner of my soul. I just wished for it to leave me alone.

So I did what I always do when I'm sad. I bought a sandwich.

I was unfolding the plastic paper around it, when I got these creeps all over. It felt like someone's watching me. Or I'm just too paranoic after what happened last week.

"Anybody there?" I asked the bushes. They moved slightly with the wind. I'll take that as a 'no'.

I scratched my head.

_'I'm really going crazy.'_

Then I saw a figure in front of me. A guy I didn't know. He was obviously from our school, judging by the uniform, but I never saw him in my life. He looked pretty cocky too.

"Hey beautiful ~" he said with an evil smirk. I heard the bushes shuffle, and a bunch of other guys I didn't know came out of it.

I see. So I won't be eating my sandwich today either...

I don't know why the hell would they want to fight me, but I'm not in the mood. And I was going to say that outloud.

"Heard you're He Tian's bitch~" the guy in front of me said to my ear and I froze. I lifted my fist and brandished at his face, but two guys from behind grabbed me before I reached him.

"Whoa, easy there tiger!" he lifted his hand up and the other guys laughed.

"What do you want?! I don't know you so piss off!" I said with anger in my voice.

"My, my~" he put his hand across his mouth "Such a shame that you don't. If I'd known you were like this, I'd put you in my gang long ago." He started approaching me. I tried to run away, but guys that were holding me were too damn strong. They seemed to be much bigger than me too. They are probably seniors.

"We have some unfinished business with your boyfriend ~" he said as he approached me.

"Yeah? Well, get in line." I said to his face. His expression changed, the muscles around his mouth twitching, and my head turned on its own as he slapped me harshly. I shook my head and spit the blood, returning my gaze to him.

"Get him in there." He ordered looking at the crew behind me.

They dragged me to some old cabin that was used for storing broomsticks, cleaning products and garden accessories for school. They forcefully showed me in there and let go of me. The door was open widely, but two biggest guys blocked the way out. The boss came inbetween them with his cocky face.

"I like you're expression." He said with a smile "Too bad we'll have to waste you~"

"What do you want." I said clenching my fist.

His expression suddenly got serious and his eyes darker.

"You know they say He Tian never had a relationship longer than my phone battery? I must congratulate you~" he clapped his hands his friends made a short evil chuckle.

"I had this girlfriend, you see." He turned to side, looking distantly at the walls "We were together for so long. She was my childhood friend, and I thought I'd never be able to be with her. But, with God's help, I got the courage to confess one day. And it turned out well. Very well! We were happy. I was happy..."

His gaze turned to me again and his eyes got even darker.

"But then _he_ showed up and took her away. She was so fascinated by him, like he was the _world's miracle_ or something..." with every next word he spoke, his hands writhed to the point his veins became visible through pale skin.

He punched the wall next to us so hard that all boxes from upper shelves fell down. I twitched a bit.

"He destroyed _everything!!!_ Do you understand how that feels?!?!"

There was a long silence as his voice echoed in the cabin.

"...That's a touching story, but I don't understand what does it have to do with – "

" _Of course_ you don't understand." He cut my sentence in the middle "How could you understand after all? If you managed to be with him for so long, then you two must be the same. But, after I recovered from my break-up, do you know what I found out?"

Before I could even answer, he approached me in few big steps and grabbed my colar.

"I found out he has a girlfriend ~" his face was way too close.

"Just for the record, it's you, babe." He added with a smirk, looking straight into my eyes.

I smirked too and laughed "Just for the record, we broke up last week, _babe."_

His face changed again, this time slower. Muscles on his face turned pride to angst, while I was smiling to his face watching him realize that he has failed again.

"Boss?" one of the guys tried to call him, but no answer.

The _boss_ took his grip off my colar, and started nervously going around the cabin with his back turned to us. He slowly dragged his legs across the cold ground and scratched his head again and again.

"Ha..." he said after awhile.

"I see..." he turned to us, opened his arms widely and let them return to his body again, shrugging his shoulders.

"I must say I didn't expect this. You were the one who lasted longest. But, I guess the soulless bastards have nothing left to sell."

He shrugged his shoulders again "Then again, I think he still has a thing for you." The corner of his lip curved.

"I disagree with you on that."

"Oh really? You were together for, how long again? Six months? And no magic happened?"

I felt my muscles going numb "How did you know – "

"Oh, come on, everybody know that!" he cut my sentence again "Told ya, you're _He Tian's_ belonging! You're famous, sweetheart!" he made a full-circled turn.

"First of all, I am no _belonging,_ I am a free-will human being, and I don't 'belong' to anyone. Secondly, I still don't understand why should I give a fuck about this." I kept my cool to piss him off intentionally. Obviously, it worked.

"You know what, it doesn't even matter. If I'm right or wrong..." he started approaching me again.

"All that matters, is that you're something dear to him. And even if you're no longer together, I can still enjoy this." He stopped when we were only a few centimeters away.

"What?" I asked clenching my fist.

He smiled "I'm gonna destroy you."

⭐ ⭐ ⭐

**_He Tian's POV_ **

I was chatting with some guys from second year before basket play. I really needed a break before I go back to class. I laughed at my friend's joke when I felt a firm grip on my arm. I turned to see a silver-haired boy covered in sweat with his eyes wide open and his breathing heavy and unequal.

My memory recognized the person. I'm sure that's the guy Mo always hangs out with... What was his name again?

" _H..He Tian... Please... Mo is..."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya guys, 's been a long time! 
> 
> There was something wrong with my phone for awhile, and I begged my parents for weeks to take it to service for repair, but I strictly announced that they should not do it without asking me first, so I could back-up my data. 
> 
> So, what did they do? They took it without asking :) I woke up on Sunday morning without my phone :') and had a light break-down because of it. Pics and music I had backed-up, but every fanfiction... lost. Forever. 20 chapters, nearly 200 pages of text, and only for this fanfic (I had at least 4 more for another fandoms that I was planning to post after finishing this one). Maybe you'd think I just make excuses, judging by how my notes are always gloomy but nope. My life is just that shitty. But, no good from tears over spilled milk, I had to start all over again. Luckily, for 19 days I had material online, so I just made a new file starting from this chapter. 
> 
> Btw, thank u for 6+k!~ Love ya all!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suggest u to go check previous ch for a reminder... ~v~

_I laughed at my friend's joke when I felt a firm grip on my arm. My memory recognized the person. What was his name again..?_

_"H...He Tian.. Please... Mo is... Mo's in trouble!"_

⭐ ⭐ ⭐

I punched the worn-out punching bag again. Again, and again and again and again. I let out another loud scream as I set it flying away. Maybe it's rather primitive to get rid of my frustration by punching a bag filled with sand, but it was my way of dealing with pain.

There's nothing worse than sinking in hell you dug for yourself. The conscious of the fact you did it is like a fire that burns your skin slowly, yet you can't run away from it.

I punched the bag one last time, the echo of my scream muffling the sqeaking door opening sound. I saw Jian Yi enter the hall.

"You're a fucking asshole, you know that?"

"Nice to see you too." I simply answered pretending not to mind his presence too much.

"You're not helping him at all." He got closer.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I went to pick up the punching bag.

"Maybe you can fool everyone else, but not me, He Tian. I've known you since forever - "

"I'm glad we have such a strong connection~" I faked a smile.

" _Listen to me,_ I know what you're doing and you're not protecting him! All you're doing is being a jerk!!! Don't be so selfish!!!"

I froze. I stayed speechless, looking at him with eyes wide opened. True, he read me like an open book.

"You think you're being a saint?! You're only thinking about yourself!!! I saw him today, _he's fucking broken!_ Do you have any idea what you did to him?! I mean _really?!_ Leaving him thirsty on river like that!"

I turned my head. I didn't wanna hear that. I knew that already, yet I never wished for it to be said out-loud, because that makes it real. I also know I'm being super selfish, but I can't see another way out.

"...Okay, thanks for the lession, mum. Now, if you'll excuse me..." I put a towel across my shoulder and headed to the shower. Jian Yi added something in angry voice, but I didn't listen anymore.

I waited for him to go away before I got under cold shower. I let it fall over me, cooling my overheated body, blending in sweat and washing it away. I didn't even move. Black bangs covered my eyes as they kept sticking to my forehead more from water flow. I raised my head up, letting the water move them away and splash my face. I never felt this shitty in my life.

There was that one thing that made me feel better for a brief moment. Today, as I was walking to class livelessly, I saw him, with Jian Yi, Xi and that one girl who's name I don't remember correctly. He was smiling. And I smiled too. I was both satisfied and disappointed to see he was doing okay, even though we broke-up not long ago. But his friends managed to cheer him up, and I was really glad that someone could make him happy, if not me.

But now Jian Yi says he was broken? Did I hurt him that bad? Was that scene just a brief moment of happiness in despair? It squeezed my heart every time I think about him being sad, and it was all my fault. But Jian Yi is right, and I don't deny it. Being a jerk is all I knew.

I hoped that brief moment of his smile was real, and I also regret that I couldn't make him smile like that. But I also need to let go.

I enjoyed those moments of peace, until Jia Zan appeared and shattered the very last chance of letting go.

⭐ ⭐ ⭐

**_Guan Shan's POV_ **

I kept clenching my fists more with the atmosphere getting intense between us. I was fully prepared for fight, and I knew it was gonna happen.

The gang boss started, swinging his fist at me directly, which I easily avoided and let him hit one of his own accidentally. I used the chance of their confusion to throw a hit at his face.

_'That's a payback, motherfucker.'_

There was no time for words as fists flied and the fight continued. I managed to hit almost each one of them, but I also took few painful hits.

Unfortunately for me, the outcome of this fight was clear before it begun. No matter how strong I am, I was outnumbered, which costed me victory. Soon after, I was on the ground with all fours locked to it. They kept both my arms on my back, making me kneel in front of their leader.

He made a grin and spit the blood, wipping his lip with the back of his hand.

"Well, well... Aren't you a little tough for a girlfriend? ~" he asked rhetorically, looking down on me.

"I'm a male too, you homophobic bastard." For that I received another hard hit in the face. I spit the blood too and raised my head as much as they allowed me to, to look at him.

"You really have some balls to answer me like that."

As a revenge for my disrespect of their boss, his obedient minions started kicking me harshly. The boss raised his hand as a sign to stop and so they did.

"Now, I want you to apologize for being a little fag." He chuckled and so did others.

I took a breath "Screw you."

His smile faded and he raised his hand again.

"Very well. Boys..." on his command, they started kicking and punching me mercilessly, every next punch stronger than previous.

" _Apologize!!!!"_ he repeated, but I didn't give him what he wants.

"APOLOGIZE!!!" He screamed the same word over and over as biting pain flowed through my body like a thunderbolt.

" _APOLOGIZE I SAID!!!"_

More hits but no answer. He clenched his teeth in annoyance and trampled my head, keeping it glued to the ground.

_"WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD, YOU QUEER?! YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?! YOU'RE NOTHING! YOU HEAR?! YOU'RE A WORTHLESS FUCKING FAG! HOW CAN YOU CALL YOUSELF A MAN?!"_

He kept adding more force under his foot with every word he said. I felt my nose distort as my face sinked into the ground under his foot further. Their laughs and insults echoed in my ears. The blood kept leaking from my mouth and it hurt so much I was on the edge of giving up. I tried my best to stay silent but the pain was so great I couldn't stop a small whimper from coming out.

"Wait!" the boss made a _stop_ gesture again "Looks like he has something to say."

He crouched in front of me, grabbed my hair and forcefully pulled my head backwards, so I was facing him again. I barely saw him through blurry vision, but I could recognize the proud grin.

"What's wrong? Giving up, or do you have a death wish? Or..." he got closer "You ready to apologize now?"

I inhaled deeply "I..."

"Yes?" his smile proudly stretched.

I spit the blood and saliva right on his face which made him twitch and quickly get on his feet again.

"I'm _never_ gonna apologize for being who I am, so _FUCK YOU!"_

His expression changed again and he kicked me in the face harshly. After that, everything went on. They continued beating me up to the very edge. The pain was getting unbearable, deadly even. I had to keep my eyes shut tightly to stop tears from coming out. But even if my bones ripped, my muscles went numb and my lungs squeezed around my heart so tightly... Even if blood was decanting between my teeth, my head felt like it was going to burst, or my stomach desperately trying to make me throw up, I wasn't going to apologize. I'll _never_ apologize to the likes of them.

"Boss, if we keep this up, we're gonna kill him..." I heard one of the guys say.

"Shut up!!!" he screamed. My muscles went completely numb but my senses sharpened, so I could hear their words and voices echoing in my head as I was bitting my lip trying not to cry. They were tireless but so was I.

' _I'll never apologize to someone like you!'_

"Stop!" the voice of the leader ordered.

Suddenly they stopped, thank God. I was trying to catch a breath, hoping it was over. _Praying_ it was over.

"You wanna play rough? Fine." He wipped his bloody eye again and made a wide evil grin.

"Then let's have some fun~" he galnced at his boys with some hidden message behind those eyes. They all chuckled evilly and suddenly started taking off my jacket.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!" I started wriggling but they immediately put me down to place again.

"What? You can take a dick from that bastard but not from us? Come on, don't be like that. Aren't you homo after all? You like it up your ass, don'tcya?"

I looked at him with despair, understanding what's going on.

"W-WAIT..."

That only made me feel worse, and sudden energy started running through my body and I started wriggling like a horse. But I was one bruised, skinny and half-broken guy and they were five big, strong and heavy seniors. My future wasn't brightening up at all.

" _STOP_ _IT!!!"_

They started ripping my shirt off.

"Come on, I bet mine is even bigger than that of your ex hehe~" one guy said.

"It won't hurt, we promise~"

_"NO!"_ I tried to kick them but they grabbed my ankles and I felt my pants going down too.

"HOLD HIM YOU IDIOTS!" the boss screamed from above.

"We're trying!!!"

Annoyed, the boss pressed his foot down on me again, squishing my head to the ground, and at that point tears started going down my eyes. I could stand some bones broken, some punches and insults but _this..._ This is humiliating to the core.

_'I want to die!!!'_

"Li, get your ass here, you go first!"

I was trembling while they held me down. I didn't even try to fight it anymore. I just shut my eyes tightly and waited for the worst. But nothing happened.

"LI!!! What the fuck are you doing?!? I said-" his sentance was never finished and a moment of strange silence came. After few seconds, I too opened my eyes and turned my head to look at what they were watching with those petrified faces.

The _Li_ guy was already knocked out, and through my bloody sight I could see the one who was holding the colar of his shirt was He Tian.

"He... He Tian..." I mumbled his name out loud. Behind him I recognized Jia Zan standing in the corner of the entrance, and all I could think about is not that I was already humilated like this, but I was also seen in that state by two closest persons to me.

_He Tian saw it._

_He saw it._

_Now I really wish to die..._

I turned my face to the ground again, clenching my teeth and letting tears keep falling down.

_'Please God, please... Just take me now, I really want to die...'_

He Tian looked at us and his pupils narrowed. His face was changing way too quickly, going darker again. I swore it was even deadlier look than when he saw his brother. He dropped the Li guy like a corpse and started slowly approaching us with his fists tightly shut. Some of the guys took a small step back. He glanced at me and then at the boss.

"Move that leg." He said with deep, almost demonic-like voice.

"...Eh?" the boss, who didn't move an inch but was already sweating said pretending to be confused.

"I said _move that fucking leg."_ With one swift move he crossed the distance between them and set the boss flying with a punch in the face. He flied across the cabin and hit the shovels and broomsticks in the corner of the wall. Suddenly, I didn't feel any more pressure on my head.

There was a moment of stunned silence. Everyone, including me, looking at him with mouth open. He glanced back at us with those pitch black eyes and the others twitched.

The boss got his consciousness back and spit out the blood.

"What are you doing?! Get him you idiots!!!"

On that command all the guys who held me down got up and headed for attack. For a brief moment I felt fear, but that moment faded as fast as it appeared. And what I was seeing was like some legend, or a myth. To simply put it, as one approached He Tian, so he flew away. Even though they were bigger than him too, he used their own strength against them. It didn't matter that all of them attacked at once, he beat them up over and over in a blink of an eye with such movements that I felt like I was watching one of good old Jackie Chan movies I used to love as a kid. Kick to the legs, then punch to the nose before they even fell, kick to the one behind, then punch in the jaw the one next to him, and so on and on. And he wasn't gentle at all. He was merciless.

He put all of his strength and force into those fists, enough to break some bones on each of the guys that held me down not long ago. What I was witnessing here was He Tian's anger. And I was so happy it was directed at someone else.

What seemed like entirety was actually less than five minutes that took He Tian to make a bloodbath, and all those guys were now lying on the floor, beaten up while only low gasps of pain and blood spitting made a sound here and there. The only one still in one piece was the boss, who didn't move from his place in the corner, watching frightened as his men fell down. He Tian looked at him with a glare, making an obvious message: he wasn't gonna get spared either. The boss, who seemed so scary and strong before, now looked like a weeping child. Only now I could see we _were_ the same age indeed. He started trembling more as He Tian started making his steps forward, it was obvious by now that he was scared.

_"W-Wait...."_ he put his hand up like an invisible shield "C-Can't we talk about this? Look, I didn't- This was a mistake, I wanted to talk with _you..."_ he started explaining in shaky voice.

"Do I know you?" He Tian answered coldly.

"....N-No, of course not..." the guy answered after a short, almost disappointed silence.

"But look, this was a mistake, okay?" he continued "We didn't do anything to him I swear-"

"What? You mean _you were planning to do something to him?"_ He Tian crouched in front of him, shoving his face into his. The guy swallowed hardly, and taking a deep breath quietly answered "No..."

There was a short pause, when He Tian started laughing.

"Look at you... Aren't you just adorable..." he said shaking his head "Or miserable. More like, so miserable it's adorable."

"...What?"

"Wha? You can't even bite without your little dogs? So why not take out _your_ complex on a skinny guy with a bunch of brainless dicks? I'm sorry, I find that utterly miserable." He threw all that to his face with a totally blank expression, and obviously it made the guy annoyed. I could tell by the way his facial muscles twitched.

"You... You sadistic fag..."

" _Yeah,_ I am a fag. I fuck guys. I stick my dick deep down their ass and throat, and make them swallow and squirm, and I love it pretty much thanks. Is that a fucking problem for you?" he gripped his jaw tightly and lifted his head up a bit, lowering his gaze to make a warning glare.

I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was scared indeed. He probably wasn't used to being beaten, picked on, or even answered to, since he had those bigfoot guys and more like them protecting him all the time. He was used to being the one who strikes terror into others and the one who humiliates, not the other way round. But now, he has to obey.

"......N-No..." he answered hopefully. It took time and consideration, but He Tian finally decided to let him go and stood up. The guy exhaled, thinking it was over, but just then He Tian turned around and kicked him in the stomach. My mouth opened on their own and I reflexively made a gasp too, because that looked like it fucking hurt.

He kept cramping his stomach, gasping for air desperately.

"Sorry. It doesn't clean up what you did to him." He Tian said with anger in his voice, and started kicking him over and over, every time a bit harder than previous. The guy begged between his gasps, but he didn't stop him. He grabbed the colar of his shirt and dragged him across the cabin, then threw him right in front of me. The poor guy tried to get up, but He Tian trampled his head to the ground. And I just watched with mouth opened but no words, seeing the guy who held me down few moments earlier now kneeling in front of me.

"Now you apologize to him for what you did." He Tian said looking down at him while adding more pressure underneath his foot.

The guy made few more painful non distinguishable words before speaking.

"I.... I'm sorry..."

He Tian raised his foot then forcefully pushed it back down, the guy's head slightly bobing as it flew down to the ground again.

"Oh come on sweety, you gotta be much more honest-sounding than that. It has to come from your heart, you see. Deep, deep from your heart." He kept trampling him until nose started bleeding from guy's nose and mouth.

"Now let's try again."

It took a few minutes of silence, but eventually the guy sobbed one more time, spit the blood and with his head still bowed down, started obeying.

"I... I am sorry I called you a fag and a queer... You're... Free to be with whoever you want... I... I deeply apologize from the depth of my heart, in the name of us all..."

"And?" He Tian pressed harder.

"......A-And.... We won't bother you again... I swear..." he said, hoping it was the right thing to say. I knew I should say something, I knew this wasn't right, but I was so scared and speechless I just crouched there like a stone. This guy didn't seem that scary now at all. He just looked... miserable.

"There~ Was that so hard?" He Tian smiled, pleased, raising his foot for good this time. But just when we thought it was over, he grabbed his hair and started pulling him across the cabin.

"No... _NO! WAIT PLEASE! I APOLOGIZED OKAY! I SAID I'M SORRY! PLEASE -"_ were the last hearable words before He Tian smashed his head against the wall, then rubbed him down to the ground, using his face as a sponge. Now _that_ looked like it fucking hurt.

The guy was coughing blood, and to be honest I prayed he stay faced to the wall because I was afraid to see the state his face was in after this. Without a break, He Tian kept kicking him again and again, more and more forcefully.

"No..." I finally managed to form a word.

"Stop..." I said quietly as I watched the pain of a stranger in front of me, his gasps becoming louder with his pain.

"Stop! STOP! PLEASE!" I repeated again, this time louder. But he just kept beating him.

" _HE TIAN! STOP, PLEASE STOP!"_

With those words, he seemed to finally register my voice and he stopped.

The guy stayed on the ground, bloody and beaten to the edge. His voice has already disappeared, but he was still even so barely shuffling like a fish on land.

He Tian turned to me and came closer with his vicious eyes. We were just looking at each other without a word, both waiting for the other to read the hidden message or start talking first. I could see right through him because I knew him too well, and I could see all the angst and pain behind those dark grey eyes. But still, his face changed now that he was done with those guys. It became softer, kinder, and so obviously faking the coldness.

"Why didn't you call me?" he broke the silence.

"What?"

"Don't give me that crap!!! You really thought you could win against six guys at once??? You are way more cocky than I thought!"

"I didn't fucking _want_ to fight them! I don't even know who they are!!!"

"I said _don't give me that crap!!!_ You don't just get into a fight like that, even an idiot could see when he's outnumbered! You either run away or call me!!!"

"Oh, I'm sorry _Superman_ it's just that I have more chances winning a lottery than you picking up a fucking phone-call!!!!"

He shuddered, his eyes widening a bit in surprise.

"What?"

"Now _you_ don't give _me_ that crap!!! How many times do you think I called you??? And you expect me to suddenly call you for small shit like this, like we're some buddie-buddies??? And it doesn't even matter, _we broke up!!!_ See, our lives have _separated!!!"_ I put an accent on those few last words with a determined expression, while he stared at me speechless. We went silent again for some time, then he exhaled and started taking his shirt off.

"What are you -"

"Here." He said as he put his shirt on me. I obediently put it on without even knowing why. Probably because it's better than only half-ripped sweatpants on me.

"My jacket stayed in school... But this will do." He said pulling the shirt down my torso. That quiet environment was disturbed by gasping and coughing of the boss guy, who was still alive obviously, shuffling to get up at the corner of the cabin.

"You... You're gonna pay me for this... All of you!!!" he managed to say through his teeth.

"Just one more thing." He Tian said and stood up.

"I have this... Pain in my shoulders."

He grabbed the guy's shirt colar again, lifting him up almost totally above his head.

_"NO....NONONO WAITWAIT! NOO!"_ He screamed as He Tian rotated them both and then with both hands and full strength threw him through closed window like rubbish. The glass breaking sound filled the room as little pieces spread across the ground. Both Jia Zan's and mine jaws dropped, an unbelievable sight in front of us. We didn't know should we be amazed, or scared as fuck. We were mostly this second one.

"There." He Tian stretched his shoulders like it was nothing "All better."

_'You're unbelievable...'_ I wanted to say outloud, but only a cut gasp came out. I was too frozen to say anything.

He started going to entrance and picked me up by the way, simply grabbing my hands and pulling me over his shoulder like a bag.

"WAAH!" I screamed in surprise as I was lifted up "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I started wriggling "LET GO OF ME!!!"

But he didn't even seem to register my screams, _or_ mind my wriggling. We passed by Jia Zan, when he turned pulling some money out of his pocket.

"Thanks for calling me." He said as he put it in his hand while Jia Zan bluntly accepted with his face still half-stoned. Then he... _We_ turned around and started walking away.

"Wait!" Jia Zan suddenly called behind. He came closer reaching out his hand with money in it.

"I don't need this." He said with serious expression.

"Then throw it away." He Tian simply answered and walked away again. I could see Jia Zan as we were walking away, and for the first time I couldn't read him at all. I'd say he was worried, but he looked just confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First wave of exams has FINALLY finished!!!! Ik this ch is a bit shorter, but thats all I could manage. Im working my ass off here, tryin' to save what I got left from my grades, so sorry for the late update. Im glad I have such loyal readers, and Im more glad to see more of them r coming. I'll try to make next ch a bit longer. Tell me what u think bout this one, and thank u for reading!
> 
> ~Berry


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING! Oh who are we kidding we all know yer gonna keep reading regardless of what I say or if you're 10 or 18 or because no one reads warnings but I'm still gonna say it, THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT, IF YOU'RE UNDER 18 AND STILL READING THIS I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY PSYCHICAL DAMAGE!!!**
> 
> Grown-ups enjoy~

_"WAAH!" I screamed in surprise as I was lifted up "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I started wriggling "LET GO OF ME!!!"_

_But he didn't even seem to register my screams, or mind my wriggling. We passed by Jia Zan, when he turned pulling some money out of his pocket._

_"Thanks for calling me." He said as he put it in his hand while Jia Zan bluntly accepted with his face still half-stoned. Then he... We turned around and started walking away._

_"Wait!" Jia Zan suddenly called behind. He came closer reaching out his hand with money in it._

_"I don't need this." He said with serious expression._

_"Then throw it away." He Tian simply answered and walked away again. I could see Jia Zan as we were walking away, and for the first time I couldn't read him at all. I'd say he was worried, but he looked just confused._

* * *

"He Tian... Seriously... Put me down..." I repeated, but he didn't listen.

"Ugh... I'm feeling dizzy..." I said, my eyes closing. My head was starting to hurt. Suddenly he swiftly transfered me from his shoulder and grabbed me in both of his hands in bridal style. I made another surprised scream. To be honest, I consider myself an average weighing guy rather than skinny, but in his hands I felt like a feather. He moved me around and lifted me up so easily like I really was a feather.

"Sorry. I have to carry you like this, since you're injured. You might get dizzy any other way." He said, avoiding to look me in the eye.

Usually, I'd be dying of embarrassment, but I couldn't care less at the moment. I was too tired to speak or think. I didn't even ask where we were going. And being this close to him... The temptation was big. I knew I shouldn't. I knew it was wrong. I knew I'd only make it harder for myself. But as I said, I was tired, and eventually I relaxed my head and let it fall between his shoulder and neck. As I breathed in and out, I felt his scent after a long time, and I took every chance to secretly inhale it and memorize it with all my senses.

People were looking at us all the way by, murmuring and whispering. I understand, it's not every day that you see a hot shirtless high-schooler carrying another injured high-schooler in a dress and ripped sweatpants (his shirt was way too big on me). I could swear some girls even took pictures of us. If I could move, I'd ran to them and smashed their phones into their faces.

Being carried like this was actually nice. Even though my injures were starting to cool down and hurt more and more. I tried not to think about that, and fell into light sleep soon after. But my nap was short-lasting, because soon we reached our destination and as I opened my eyes I recognized his building. Now I know where we're going.

The tremor caused by his...  _our,_  dammit, climbing on the stairs woke me up totally. Like he could see my unease, he slowed down a bit, probably in fear of me getting dizzy again. And what was uncomfortable became very nice. Light movements up and down as we went over every next floor, mixed with the feeling of warm body and strong scent made me sleepy again. To be honest, I felt like a baby.

"Hey." His voice woke me up again.

"Wrap your hands around my neck."

"Wha?"

"Just for a moment."

I rubbed my half-closed eyes and without will to fight back did as he said.

"Hold on." He let go of my torso using his now free hand to unlock the door of apartment, and then grabbed me again. But for some reason, I still didn't let go.

He closed the door behind us, and walked around slowly and carefully, like he was afraid to step on something. I could hear sounds of glass crunching underneath us, and I opened my eyes. I looked down and saw, ironically - glass. A bunch of little pieces, lying there like a broken puzzle across one another. All different size and shape. My eyes widened, and I opened my mouth to say something, but he forestalled me by dropping me onto bed.

"Stay still, I think I have some First Aid in the kitchen. I'll be right back." Without waiting for an answer, he left for the said destination.

I had just enough strength left to lift my body into sitting position. I looked around, and I was  _stunned_  by what I saw. The apartment I used to know was gone. What was left of it were broken tables, jumbled boxes, walls full of cracks and hokes and a lot of broken glass and other  _broken_ stuff lying on the floor or simply out of their place. Everything was destroyed.

"Found it." He Tian got back with tiny white box with red cross on it in his hands.

"What the  _fuck_ happened here?!?" I asked while my head still wandered around in disbelief "Were you robbed???" I began to worry.

"That..." He looked around "Nah. I just..." he stopped and bit his bottom lip "I just got a bit angry... That's all."

"Wait,  _what?"_ I blinked faster a few times, and he just kept playing with F.A. box like it was the most normal thing to do.

" _You_ did this?" I asked still not believing it. His silence was enough of an answer.

" _Why???_ Why would you do that???"

He licked his dry lips again and bowed his head, refusing to look me in the eye.

"I don't know... I just..." he shuddered "I just wanted to keep the phone alive... I guess..." he sighed "But I ended up losing it anyway... So... Guess it wasn't worth it." He scratched the back of his head.

I shut my eyes. So he wasn't lying about the phone. Now at least it makes sense.

"Goddamit He Tian..." I cursed under my breath "When you have a problem, you call me to talk, not destroy your goddamn house!!!"

"I thought you said we broke up."

Words from my mouth disappeared in a moment.

"That..." I mumbled something and turned my head in other direction "That... Doesn't mean you can't call me when it's important."

"Same goes for you."

I had no comments left on that one. We awkwardly finished our chitchat, and he started taking care of my wounds. I was surprised by how gentle and how skilled he was.

"Were you a doctor in your previous life or something?"

His lip curved to side revealing a glimpse of his perfectly white teeth "I have experience with injuries."

"How bad?"

"Trust me... I had some heavy shit. I'm surprised I don't have a scar. Well, at least not visible one."

"You'd still be hot even with a big visible scar."

He raised his sight and his mouth parted slowly. I can't believe I just fucking said that. I shut my eyes and sighed.

"Sorry, I... It came out accidentally."

He bowed his head again and made a small nod and an awkward toothy smile. His smile is so fucking beautiful, and this is so unfair. My heart started beating like crazy, shouting to my brain  _'Damn, don't do this to me.'_ But hell, when do things ever go my way.

He lifted my/his shirt up to take care of my abdomen too. And I must admit, it was in the worst state. Dark blue bruises were already visible, covering half of my stomach and climbing up to my chest.

"Shit..." He Tian cursed under his chin "This'll need some time to heal..."

"Yea, I figured that much..."

He gently started pressing a small ball of cotton wool on my bruises. I slightly twitched every time that small ball with some cold liquid was pressed on my burning injuries, but he was trying to be as gentle as he could, going slowly without putting too much pressure.

"Did they broke something?" he asked, referring to my bones of course.

"No, I don't think so..."

"Good, because if they did, I'd kill them all." He said with serious face. Funny, his words made me blush a little. I looked down at my injured body, my breathing becoming heavier.

"Still, we better check just to be sure."

He wrapped his fingers around my arm and started gently pressing them on my skin. It burned under his touch, and it didn't hurt despite the bruises. The more his hands slid down my arm, the stronger the pressure around my chest was. At last, I couldn't hold it back anymore and I had to ask.

"Why did you do it?"

His brows furrowed a bit. He looked at me with the most confused look on his face "Did what?"

I licked my lips. His confusion made me angry a little "Why did you break up with me?"

He lifted his head,  _finnaly_ looking me in the eye with this unreadable expression. It was obvious that was a question he wanted to avoid.

"Your hand seem to be in good shape..."

"Don't avoid the question!" I raised my voice for a few notes. He looked at me, but didn't answer. He avoided my eyes again, shaking his head a bit.

"He Tian, I'm just trying to understand..." I lowered my voice "The way you're treating me, and how you broke up with me... You're just contradicting yourself, you know."

He kept his gaze away, trying too hard to keep a stoned expression and stay silent. He really didn't want to talk about this, but I did.

"You know," I bit my lips "Those kicks of theirs... Their punches, they hurt. But not  _near_ as much as those words of yours." I felt my voice trembling, my sight becoming blurry " 'Cuz they can say  _whatever_ they want... They can call me a fag, a gueer, violate me, insult me and beat me up however they want... But they can never truly hurt me. Because they are nothing to me. But you...."

He looked at me, our eyes met. His scleras were red. I let a tear slide down my cheek, my voice shaky and broken just like my body.

"You're the only one that can hurt me." I swallowed the salty sorrow, already feeling that one tear falling on my stomach.

"And you did. And it hurts.... More than  _anything_ those guys could ever do, or anyone."

"Please don't say that..." he gripped my hand with both of his and pressed it to his forehead "That's the last thing I want to hear..."

" _Then why."_ I repeated, my voice already disappeared, only its much deeper echo now speaking.

"I'm trying to protect you..." he gripped my hand tighter.

" _From what?!"_

I could feel his eyelashes getting wet pressed against my knuckles. If the moment wasn't like it was and if I wasn't concentrated on the pain in my chest, I'd giggle because it tickles a bit. His chest moved faster. The silence was so heavy I could hear my own blood pumping through my veins.

"From myself." He answered after what seemed like forever. He raised his head, his eyes were red. Small crystal balls formed on the edge of his eyes. I was sure he'd cry, but he wasn't gonna let that happen.

"Dammit!" he cursed and stood up, turning his back to me. He covered his mouth and nose with his hand, walking back and forth like a lost child.

"What do you mean?" On the other hand I didn't fight my tears. I didn't scream, in spite of the need to do so, but I let salty water slid down my cheeks and tap on my bare stomach.

"Are you trying to tell me you left me because you thought that'd protect me?" I felt a wave of anger washed over me when I realized what I was missing. He didn't turn around. Didn't answer.

"ARE YOU AN IDIOT?!" My voice became louder again.

"WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?"

"TALK TO ME, GODDAMIT!!!"

"I COULDN'T!"

"YEAH, THANKS FOR THAT!!! I THOUGHT YOU HATE ME!"

"I COULD NEVER..."

We made a pause, both looking at each other trying to read the other's feelings. My eyes were slowly drying out, leaving only wet marks on the way they passed by.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered. I swallowed hardly.

"I don't know what else to say..." he kept going, relaxing his arms. He slowly approached the bed and sat next to me "I know it may not be enough, but... That's all I can offer. But you didn't expect much from the start, right?" he forced a chuckle.

I bit my cheek from the inside "Well... They  _did_  say I was the one who lasted longest." We both laughed awkwardly. I don't know how much time passed after that. Our eyes met yet again, and I felt the depth of his dark grey pulling me within. They moved just as slightly, analyzing what was in front of them, which was in this case - me.

I touched his cheek with my palm, slowly resting it against his burning skin. His mouth parted then stick together again, those dark pupils expanding and going down. The space between us kept narrowing, until it became so narrow the tip of our noses were touching. I titled my head a bit and started getting even closer. Suddenly, he twitched and turned his head in other direction. 

"We can't." He said grabbing my wrist.

"Why not?" I asked with disappointment in my voice. His grip became stronger. He shook his head slowly, black strains of bangs moving in rhythm.

"He Tian..." I dragged my thumb across his cheekbone "Tell me."

His fingertips came in contact with my thumb then slid to the back of my hand. Turning his gaze to me he said,

"Because then I'd never be able to let you go.  _Ever."_

I took a breath, feeling the way it dry my lips. My heart stopped beating for a moment and I said,

"I don't have a problem with that." And it started beating again. His weak smile gave me the courage to get a bit closer again.

"Look at me." I whispered out-loud. He slowly turned his head to me and our eyes met. We were so close, I could feel his breath on my skin. I let myself be pulled into the ocean of grey, and they pulled me all the way down. And it happened. Our lips met, the unavoidable passon getting the win once again, burning into the core of human nature and our need for intimacy. It started as a gentle contact, both still unsure, still afraid the other thinks it's a mistake. I curled my fingers into his hair and he caressed the back of my trimmed red hair. Realizing the common will, we let loose and the kiss dependent to the point our teeth hurt.

I opened my mouth and let him explore wherever he wanted. Our hands were uncontrollable, switching from one place to another. There was a pause when I titled my head to give him a better angle and  _God_ I missed this so much. He breathed the life into me like no one else could.

When the weight of our bodies became too much to bear, we let them fall onto the mattress. I lost my shirt, and took 'revenge' by taking his shirt off too. His half-naked body now falling onto mine, his chest pressing against my own. I could feel his crazy heartbeat following the rhythm of mine. We were both hard underneath our pants, and that dammed piece of clothing that came inbetween our lower parts was both annoying and teasingly exciting.

I dragged my fingers over his hot skin from the hole in his chest to the rough hair that loomed above the beginning of his pants. He started bathing my neck in kisses while I slowly unzipped his pants. He bit hard into the flesh of my neck as I got lower, wrapping my fingers around him a bit harder than I should. But I still knew he liked it.

"Hey." I diluted the heavy air that has been made by hot atmosphere we created "Sit on the bed and let me take a lead for a bit. I got an idea."

His eyes widened a bit but soon his lips curved into a smirk.

"My, my, I didn't know you're a creative person."

I rolled my eyes "Would you shut up and do what I say for once?" was a rhetorical question, of course.

I felt so much lighter as he pulled his body off of me to roll to the side.

"I like when you get all bossy like this~"

Instead of  _''Shut the fuck up"_ that I wanted to say, I shut his blabbing mouth with my own. We were back to strong kisses again. I took it slow on purpose, landing sweet little kisses on his cheeks, neck, ear, hair... Then lower, onto his chest, feeling the beat of a living heart under my lips and it was so much stronger under sensitive and thin skin of lips. I nibbled his nipple with my tongue and got a strong moan in response. Surprisingly, he's more sensitive than he looks.

I continued getting lower, following the line that divided his abs, to the navel... and beneath. Then I stopped. I swallowed hardly, thinking about this one more time. Am I sure? If I do this, I'll be throwing away my manliness for good. With a small and barealy hearable exhale I just thought  _'Oh fuck it'_ and slowly dragged my tongue along the length of his weakest spot that I held between my hands. He twitched a bit. A reaction at least. That encouraged me to go further, and I took the tip in my mouth, slowly sucking it.

I didn't want to look up, because I knew what kind of expression he has. Yes, he was surprised and yes, he will  _so_ use this against me whenever he gets a chance. And by the way his legs shuffled as I kept licking him told me that he enjoyed it too. I was pretty sloppy, but after awhile I got used to it. It was hard for me to move my head because his legs kept shuffling. I grabbed his hips and raised my sight.

"Stay still." I said in surprisingly serious voice.

"As if I could..." his cheeks were coloured in flush and drops of sweat slid from his hair down them. It was weird to see him blush... And it made me very happy.

Still gripping his hips, I continued where I left off. He still shuffled his hips, but this time I held them tightly. I could feel every strong muscle twitching, and then becoming softer again between my hands. I could feel every vein that poped and extended on his dick. I could feel the drips of precum on the tip of my tongue. I could feel so much, it was like discovering a whole new part of him. For being such a pervert, the way he twitched, moaned and shuffled was rather innocent. In spite of the perverted look of it, it was a much more sensual feeling. I actually liked it.

I was about to pull off, but suddenly he put his hand on the back of my head and pushed me all the way down onto him. My eyes watered, widening in surprise. I felt warm fluid inside my throat a second later. I didn't even have time to react, as I was struggling to breathe.

He loosened his grip and I pulled away immediately. I put a hand across my mouth and started coughing.

"WHO THE FUCK SAID YOU CAN COME IN MY MOUTH?!" I said with a decent blush.

"S-Sorry... Couldn't hold myself back." He said with absolutely no regret on his face. I spit most of the salty white fluid from my mouth and didn't even realized when he got closer again. Gripping both of my cheeks he kissed me passionately.

"G-Gross... I just gave you a blowjob..." I said as he pulled away.

"It's okay, I'm not really squeamish."

A hand slowly slid across my back and between my buttcheeks and I twitched under a well-known feeling, yet so unknown, almost forgotten. It felt more like a stranger was touching me and less like the person who was so close to me and who knows every inch of me inside-out.

It was that person again, but the way he was touching me was wholly new, so gentle it was almost unknown.

"T-That's enough... You can..." I grabbed his wrist "I think you can put it in now."

Not waiting for another word, he pushed me down again and slowly pushed it in. At first I didn't feel anything but pleasure, but when he started moving faster and more forcefully pleasure mixed with pain. My legs hurt, and even though the sheets were so soft, my bruises still itched, especially the ones on my stomach.

He Tian stopped moving "Does it hurt?"

I put a hand on his nape "I-I'm fine... Just keep going..."

"There's no point if I'm the only one feeling good."

I looked away "There's nothing we can do about it... These injures won't heal in a night time, you know. And I'm okay with just you feeling good too..."

He didn't respond, his expression told me he was angry with what I said. Our positions changed again, and I found myself on top.

"W-What are you doing?" I said a moment later, looking down at him.

"Like this it'll hurt less, right? So start moving."

A wave of embarrassment hit me and I covered my face with my hands.

"What are you saying?!? There's  _no way_  I'd do something like that!!!"

"Oh come on, you gave me a blowjob but you can't do this?" He teased me, but I still hid my face behind my palms.

"Hey, at least look at me..." he caressed my waist-line gently, taking my bruises into account. I peeked out behind my fingers just to see his surprisingly soft expression looking at me.

"Please... For me?"

He said that with puppy-like face. In this particular situation it was really embarrassing. I wanted to die, and yet I was getting excited. My mind was a mess, and I turned everything off. What am I embarrassed of anyway? It's just sex.

_'Still...'_

I put a hand across his eyes.

"D-Don't look." I wanted to sound casual, but I couldn't help my tounge slipping. He made a grin. I put my shaky fingers around his lower part and slowly slid my hips down on it with a whimper.

I started with a few unsure movements until I completely lost control and started grinding on him like a whore. I didn't care about our position anymore, I let my voice break the walls around us without any regret for the first time for these six months of our relationship.

I didn't even notice when he slowly moved my hand away, watching me with eyes full of desire. I couldn't take my eyes of them, or more like I didn't want to. Like I wanted to remember this moment and his face, in case we...

"He Tian..." I whimpered. When did I start crying?

"He Tian...  _He Tian, He Tian..."_ I said his name over and over. I wanted to say it for so long, but not like this. I wanted to be the one to sound cool, but in the end I always end up crying out his name one way or another.

Suddenly he gripped my arm, straightened his body and put his arms around me. I distantly stared at the wall a bit surprised, I don't know why.

"Say my name more." He murmured into my neck. His hands got lower, gripping my ass and pushing me up then down again, surprisingly forcefully. A loud moan escaped my throat. I put my arms around his neck, my hands unconsciously scraping his shoulder blades. I gasped and moaned his name countless times while our movements became messy until they completely lost reason.

"He Tian, I love you" I accidentally said out-loud what was on my mind for so long between those moans. If I was in my right mind, I'd thought about how he's gonna stay shocked, speechless and scared,  _and_ if we weren't in  _this_ kind of situation probably run away. But the reaction was completely unexpected. He hugged me even tighter, pressing our bodies so close I felt as if we were one being now. My bruises didn't hurt anymore. He instantly came inside me, and I followed soon after. Tears were still sliding down my cheeks, but I'm not sure what feeling did they represent anymore.

Even after it was over he still held onto me like he was holding onto his life.

"Hey... You came already and I'm not having a round two. Let me go already."

But he didn't move. His face was still buried into my collar where it stayed. I tangled my fingers into his dark hair.

"Are you okay?"

His grip tightened and I groaned.

" _OW!_ THAT HURTS, IDIOT! MIND AN INJURED MAN HERE!" I pulled his hair, but not even that made him move.

"Sorry..." he muttered pressing his cheek against my collar. His grip slightly loosened.

"He-He Tian, seriously... At least p-pull out..." I was gently pushing his shoulders in hope he notices me, but nope.

"Just... Five more minutes..." he mutters again. He seemed really calm.

_'Somehow...'_

I patted his head.

_'He seems happy.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been awhile. I can't believe I FKN REACHED 9K LIKE WTF GUYS U R AWESOME! I hope u stay as supportive as this, sorry for grammar mistakes I didn't have time to check them but I will later~ Lately I've been swimming in positive energy so here's a good chapter (to fill up the hole I made with previous ops...) Anyway, hope u like it AND, again I'm NOT responsible for psychically damaged children.
> 
> Tell me what ya think in the comments while I work slowly through the exciting parts that're coming ~


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was probably the fastest update I ever did... Someone give me a medal.

I can't even describe the pain in which I woke up. Everything hurt and my own body felt so heavy. I moved He Tian's even heavier arm off of my shoulder and somehow forced myself to get up. My bruises turned from plumber blue to dark green and I felt like a rotting avocado.

Showering was also very painful, but I took some painkillers and hoped they'd take effect as soon as possible.

However, what I found even harder than walking with my injuries was walking across this mess.

“Ugh... Seriously...” I whispered, knowing that he's still asleep. I really should hurry back home, but I couldn’t just leave this mess here as it is. Someone could slip and die here! I guess years spend with mum alone were taking effect more than those painkillers.

So I took the accessories and started cleaning. Don't ask me why, I just couldn’t stand it. And I was worried his careless head would step into glass and hurt himself, then destroy what's left of this apartment in rage.

Whenever I bend over I felt the pain in my abdomen, but aside from that everything else was bearable. I only cleaned the floor and put what I could back in place without making too much noise. I cleaned the glass with broomstick, because I couldn’t use a vacuum cleaner, and I dusted places I could reach. There is still much work left to do, but I'll help him later (when he's awake).

I left a paper-written message on a cupboard next to the bed, gave him a kiss on the forehead and left. I didn’t have a key to his apartment, so I left it unlocked. I hope he wakes up soon...

⭐  ⭐  ⭐   

Pulling the hoodie up my neck, I reached into the pocket of my sweatpants to find a key to my own apartment. Hoping that the bruises weren’t visible, I took a deep breath and turned the key to the left. The door opened, but no sound inside.

“Mum?”

I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. Silence. I began to worry. I started taking my shoes off and then I heard quiet weeping coming from another room. I stepped further inside and saw mum's figure curled up on the sofa. She was crying.

“Mum???”

She twitched, quickly whipped her tears away and turned around with  red eyes.

“Mo!!!” she screamed and jumped into my arms. I made a silent groan since my bruises still weren’t used to contact, but I tried to act natural and ignore the pain.

“Where have you been?!? I got so worried! I called you so many times! I thought something really bad happened! Why did you run away again?! Did I do something wrong?!”

“No!” I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her away “What are you saying?! I just went to a friend's house because it was raining, and my phone died... You didn’t do anything, why would you think that?!”

She bowed her head.

“I'm so _so_ sorry...” I said in low voice “I know that's no excuse, but I...” I bit my lip “I’ve got nothing else to offer...” I really felt like a jerk.

She turned her head to the side and her eyes suddenly widened. I noticed she was staring at my uncovered wrist with red scar around it. I quickly pulled my hands away and covered it with my hoodie.

“It’s... Uh...” I try to come up with an excuse. She then noticed the bruises that peeked from the colar of my shirt too.

“Mo... You... You're bruised...”

I pulled my shirt up trying so hard to cover it, even though it was too late already.

“Let me see!” she attacked me immediately.

“No!” I held on my clothes tightly while she was trying to pull my hands away.

“ _MO!_ You're injured!!! Let me see or we're going to hospital!!!”

“We're going nowhere, I'm fine!!!”

“NO, YOU’RE _NOT,_ LET ME HELP AT LEAST!”

“I SAID _NO!”_ I almost got away from her grip, but in last moment she grabbed a sleeve of my hoodie and pulled to her side again.

“Did that He Tian do this to you?!?” she whimpered in worried tone. I twitched and pulled away with much more force than I intended to. We both stayed breathless and speechless for a moment.

_“Did he?!?”_

“ _NO! I TOLD YOU HE'D NEVER HURT ME!”_ I didn’t mean to scream, I really didn’t. Her brows were furrowed on her forehead, making a small cliff between her eyes that she usually got when she was really sleepless or worried. I sighed.

“I’ll let you see under two conditions... We're not going to hospital, and don’t freak out. Okay?”

She swallowed hardly, but nodded. I hesitated a bit before I started taking off my clothes. She put a hand across her mouth to muffle a gasp. Her eyes analyzed me from head to toe, little water drops showing up within their corners.

“...I'll get bandages.” She said through stuffed nose and rushed into kitchen.

She was as gentle as He Tian, probably even more gentle while she applied crème and bandages on my bruises. It was obvious she had a lot to ask me, which is normal, however she didn’t say a thing.

“I... Got into a fight.” I broke the silence and started explaining. I waited for a reaction, but she didn’t even lift her head up.

“I didn’t mean to... Some guys I don't know attacked me. He Tian saved me. Then I went to sleepover at his place because I didn’t want to go to hospital, and uh...” I cleaned my throat, feeling a small stupid blush showing up “And I spend the night. And we made up, by the way.”

She tapped her fingeres smudged in crème onto my bruises, still without lifting her head up. She was uncomfortably quiet and it worried me.

“Aren’t you happy for me?”

She made a pause and slowly put the equipment away on a table behind. Her breathing was very quiet, almost inaudible, until she made a deep, long sigh.

“As long as you’re happy honey... I have nothing to question.” She made a weak smile, but her eyes were still red. She whipped the tears off before they slid down her cheeks. I didn’t say anything else. And what could’ve I said? I have to give her time.

“Do you want me to go buy some cake?”

She sniffed and took a breath “Yes, that would be good.” Another weak smile.

“Okay. Do you want me to buy anything else?”

“Actually, spend everything from that cupboard. I'm really in the mood for some sweets.” She chuckled and I did too. Seeing her smile made me feel at ease.

“See you soon then~”

⭐   ⭐   ⭐   

**_He Tian's POV:_ **

Waking up in an empty bed was rather disappointing, but waking up in a clean house however...

I reached out for my phone and across broken screen saw it was almost noon already. I put a hand on my forehead. I overslept again.

As soon as I sat up, I noticed a small note left next to bed. I opened it and smiled widely.

_“You better fucking call me._

_-Redhead”_

And on the other side in smaller but capital letters:

_“P.S. you're welcome for the house-clean, jerk. You fucking better clean the rest by yourself.”_

“Sure...” I laughed sarcastically. But he really _did_ do a good job. Not everything was in place, but the floor was clean and big stuff like tables and chairs were in place. To think he cleaned up, even with all those bruises... And it’s not even his house...

He's really something special.

“He'd make a good housewife.” I laughed by myslef again. Too bad he wasn’t here to hear it. I just adore when he gets annoyed by small things, it makes him look super cute.

“Crap! I better call him or he'll kill me for real!”

I grabbed my phone while putting jeans on and moving across the room at the same time. Not a good idea. I almost dropped the phone, which was already broken. I managed to catch it in the last moment, before falling onto the floor and spreading like a fucking carpet. Note: don't try doing more then two things at once.

I'm fucking lucky the floor was clean. Especially the glass... He probably saved my fucking life. I'll have to properly thank him for that.

 _First,_ I put my clothes on, _then_ I called him. It ringed, and ringed, and ringed... Until the voicemail turned on.

‘ _Strange...’_ I thought. Not like he needs to sit next to his phone 24/7 but he usually answers immediately when I call him.

So I tried again. And again, and again... And in 15 minutes again... Send a message, got no answer... I began to worry. This is silly. I shouldn’t be worrying... Maybe he didn’t hear his phone or something... However, with everything happening, I couldn’t stop my heart from screaming inside my chest.

Finally, he picked up.

“Ugh, finally I thought you died or something... Don't get me worried me like that!”

But no answer. The line was definitely on, but I was the only one talking. I could hear quiet, heavy breathing coming from the other side of the line. Any normal person wouldn’t be able to distinguish breathing from network disturbance, however I could.

“Guan Shan?” This was the third time I used his actual name, and I didn’t like it either. It added a far more serious note to everything.

_Beep._

The other side hung up, leaving me with constant and annoying beeping next to my ear. My own breathing was getting heavy. The fuck was that just now?

“Shit!”

Without second thought, I put my clothes on in a light speed and rushed out of the apartment.

Running, I still tried to reach him. But no matter how many times I pressed the same button, no one picked up anymore. I stared at the icon behind a broken screen, grazing passerby while they screamed at me for not apologizing.

My sneakers probably suffered damage when I came to a halt. I was running so fast I needed few slides before I actually stopped in front of his place.

I came in front of his door and pushed the bell button. Nothing. I pressed it again. My legs were already nervously tapping in place. The phone was still ringing, and suddenly... No, _finally,_ he picked up.

“Where the fuck are you?! Don’t hang up on me like that! Did I buy you that phone for you to keep it in a microwave – “

The door opened. But behind them wasn’t Guan Shan, but a redhead woman with a phone in her hand and a pretty angry face.

_Oh..._

_‘Well, crap.’_

“Are you He Tian?” she asked.

I put the phone in my pocket and put my usual grin on.

“Yup. That's me.” I answered with a smile, but that didn’t make her expression change.

“Come on in.” She moved to side to make space for me. I blinked in surprise but accepted her offer. She closed the door after me.

“Make yourself at home.” She tried to sound more cheerful while bypassing me.

I looked around while taking my shoes off. It wasn’t too big of a place, yet everything was clean and ordered, which made it look like there was more space than there actually was. I smiled. Now I see where his habits come from.

“Well, aren’t you tall for a highschooler...” She said with a smile when I stood up.

“That's just how I am~ “ I returned a smile to short woman standing next to me.

“Come on in, come on in. I'll make you some tea.”

I followed her to the kitchen and found a couch and a sofa nearby. Supposingly, that was a livingroom, so I got comfortable enough to sit there.

I pulled out my phone to turn it off when she came with a tray.

“What happened to it?” she asked, looking at my phone.

“Oh, uh... I broke it. Accidentally...”

“Looks like you have a habit for breaking things, huh.” She said totally calmly while she was putting two cups on a table between us. I understood the hidden message behind it, and even now she was judging me so hard. Funny enough, I was starting to sweat.

With an unusual feeling of shame, I hid the phone in my pocket. My knee was constantly bobbing up and down. I took some tea to distract myself from her glaring stare. I was used to having eyes on me, but this was somehow different. Why am I so nervous?

If I was alone, I'd light a cigarette to calm myself down, but of course that wasn’t an option now. Still, the white package was peeking from the pocket of my jeans, and I'm pretty sure she noticed.

“You smoke?” she stares like a scanner with those laser eyes pointing at my pocket.

I instinctively put a hand across it to hide what she had already seen for whatever reason “Yes, I... It calms me down. Stupid reason, I know.”

“How often?”

“Depends on the mood. Sometimes not more than three to four and sometimes the whole box.” Why the hell did I tell the truth?

I'm a type of guy who prefers to be rude than be painted in fake colours, but sometimes the truth isn’t the best solution, especially in my case.

“Do you want to smoke now?”

My eyebrows lifted up. A reaction I didn’t expect.

“Uh, no, I'm fine... I don’t smoke in someone else's house.”

“Oh, please.” With a complacent chuckle, she goes to the kitchen “Where did I put it... Ah, here it is!” I hear her talking to herself before she comes back with a yellow asher.

She places it closer to my side and leans back into her seat again “My husband used to smoke all the time. He's in jail now though... Never thought I'd need it again. Guess it's a good thing I kept it after all.” She spoke those words with noticeable bitterness, cleaning her throat after every sentence.

I didn’t want to make things any more awkward than they already were, so I reached for a cigar and light it up with a lighter I always carried with me.

She observed me as I breathed the smoke in and out, trying to pull as much as I could into my lungs so the room wouldn’t become smoked.

I discreetly analyzed her body language. Her eyebrows were up-close and down, her eyes slightly narrowed. Her lips were pinched together as if someone stuck them with superglue, her arms folded across her chest that moved in rhythm, up and down, faster and faster. She was looking me straight in the eyes. Her position was telling me more than enough. Yup, she hates me.

“You're looking around like it’s your first time being here. Or were you here before? I know Mo's been at your place quite a lot, but I'm not informed if it was other way ‘round too...”

I tapped the top of cigarette on asher “No, actually it is my first time here...”

“So, what do you think?”

“Pretty cozy for such a small place.”

Shit.

“Ah, I didn’t mean it's small-“

“It’s okay. I guess we’re just coming from different worlds.”

I licked my lips. Ten minutes into meeting his most important person and I already fucked up.

“Mo says you’re from the same school. You live around here?”

“Yeah, actually not that far from here too.”

“You live with someone?”

“No, I live alone.”

She raised her eyebrow “Isn’t that dangerous? You're a bit too young to live alone.”

“I guess. But I'm used to it.”

“How are your grades?”

I see. So she's that type. All the soft intro was a trap. I admit, I almost fell for it.

“They’re good. I don't have a problem with studying.”

“Hm.” Her legs now interlocked too.

“I know I don't look that bright, but I actually really enjoy stuff like reading and learning new things~” I tried to make a joke about myself to soften her a bit.

She laughed and waved her hand “Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean it like that! Don't make it sound like I hate you already!”

“Honestly, I wouldn’t judge you if you did.”  

Her smile suddenly disappeared. She looked surprised by this answer. She bowed her head, her expression now completely changing.

“It's not that I hate you... It's just...” her eyes were starting to water “Mo’s everything I have left. If I lost him, I'd have nothing. _Nothing._ Do you know how it is to have nothing?” She looked at me again, but this time I didn’t avoid her eyes.

“Yes.”

I gave a simple and honest answer. I completely understood her. My whole life is a big nothing.

“I had nothing before I met him.”

I wasn’t paying attention to my words anymore. I decided I'll say whatever is on my mind. He's the first person I'm really serious about. If I need to meet his parent, let her see everything in the open from the start and make a proper attitude now.

Somehow, she looked relieved. Looks like I softened her a bit with those last words.

“I hope you understand... I know I can be a bit paranoid, but isn’t that how every mother is? Or is yours different?”

“Dunno. I don’t have one.”

Her mouth parted and her face stayed stoned. I suppose she was trying to make a joke, but didn’t expect such answer.

“I'm- I'm sorry... I didn’t know...” she put a hand across her mouth.

“It's okay.”

My cigarette was burned to the core. I smashed it into the asher and without hesitation took another one. She didn’t protest.

“You have any other relatives?” she asked after long silence.

“I have a brother, but we're not really in contact.”

“What about your father?”

My hand stopped halfway from my mouth. I swallowed and slowly put the cigar back into the box. I didn’t feel like smoking anymore.

“My father... Yes, he's alive and healthy.”

“Thank good.” She exhaled “That’s good to hear. What does he do?”

“He's...” I gripped my hands together, staring at the floor.

“He’s... a businessman.”

She bowed her head to the side “Oh, I see! That must be why your clothes looks so expensive! You’re a rich boy, huh?” She laughed, however I didn’t react. My mind went blank, distant in some other dimension. The mood was completely ruined. Noticing this, she tried to continue with conversation.

“So, I know you and Mo broke up not long ago... You two seem fine now, huh?”

“Yeah.” I failed to even answer properly.

She gripped her arm “I just need to know I can trust you... I don’t mind the fact that you’re a guy, if you can promise me you can protect my Guan Shan...”

“I’d die for him.”

My voice sounded far deeper and more serious than I intended. My face was stoned, my expression serious, which didn’t happen very often. But every word I said, I mean it. It's like my mask was peeling itself in front of this woman, and it was such a strange and unpleasant feeling.

Her face was stoned too. She stared at me so caught up in the moment. However, even though it was her most serious face so far, it was somehow pleased. A pleasure expressed without a smile. A feeling that can only be seen through eyes.

We'd probably just sit there for forever if the door didn’t open and interrupted us.

“Mom, sorry I took so long! They didn’t have anything special in the shop nearby, so I had to go to-“

Unusually cheerful voice that we both recognized came into the livingroom. Mo stood like frozen in front of us with face full of horror.

This might actually turn out to be interesting.

I smiled and put my hand up to greet him.

“Yo~”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a gift to all of you who wanted to see He Tian meeting Mo's mum. To be continued in next chapter (*＾▽＾)／


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna update at Sunday, but I got a bit drunk hehe... And then Monday with a hangover hit me like a motherfucker :) Also, I spend a lot of my precious time doing double homework (bcs I rarely when do homework ONLY for ms...) I just can't say no *sigh* They pay me back with pizza and bubblegum, so it's okay tho #fair trade
> 
> Btw I didn't plan for it to be this cheesy. I didn't even know I was cheesy, I consider ms an anti-romantic person xD
> 
> Put tissues near you somewhere please

**_Guan Shan's POV:_ **

"Sorry sir, our stock didn't come today, so we're empty... Ah, but we do have some sweat beans and bubblegum!"

_'That's not what I meant...'_

"It's okay, nevermind then."

Sighing, I walked through the moving glass door every shop has with empty hands. This is the second shop I've been to without finding what I need. Not only they don't have cake, but they barely have anything that could be called a  _sweet treat._

That means I'll have to go downtown. Is this even possible? My luck is on point.

I sighted again. Well, a good walk is what I need actually.

_'I wonder if He Tian's awake...'_

He probably called me a few times if he is. That's when I realized I forgot my phone. Cold sweat appeared on my palms. I just hope he doesn't send some inappropriate messages like usually... And that mum doesn't open them.

Still, better hurry home just in case.

"Mum, sorry I took so long! They didn't have anything special in the shop nearby, so I had to go to-"

That's when I saw it. My nightmare has come to life. He Tian sitting on our couch in a suit, and on the other side of big round table sat mum with arms folded.

Except he wasn't in a suit, and our table was actually more of a cuptable, but you get the point.

"Yo~" he said with his usual kinky grin as if this was a totally normal situation.

My eyes needed a few moments to get used to the fact that this  _wasn't_ a dream indeed.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" I screamed pointing a finger at him, almost dropping plastic bags I held in other hand.

"Now that's rude! Auntie asked me to come in." He answered pretending to be actually surprised.

"Mo, mind your language! We have a guest here." Mum got up and stood next to me with a smile "Did you buy cake?"

"Cake?" He Tian asked from the couch.

"Oh, that reminds me!" She clapped her hands together and looked at him "He Tian, do you want to stay for dinner maybe? Mo just bought a bunch of sweets for dessert too~"

"AHHH HE HAS A LOT OF WORK TO DO! R-RIGHT, HE TIAN?"

I was really expecting him to cooperate with me, but he just blinked a few times giving me a surprised look.

"What are you talking about?"

_'You fucker...'_

He looked at my mum again "I'd love to! My fridge is empty anyway..."

"Great! Go to the kitchen then, kids! Mo, let me help you with that..." she said taking the plastic bags from my hands.

I stood there like a statue. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

She was already gone to the kitchen talking to herself when He Tian got up and winked at me.

" _I'll kill you."_ I whispered to him.

⭐ ⭐ ⭐

This. Is. So.  _Awkward._

I was shaking from the need to jump through the window. All three of us were sitting at the table with a big pot of pasta in the middle of it.

"That was great, Auntie~" He Tian said as he finished  _first,_ of course.

"I'm glad you liked it! I'm not as good as my son, but I'm still not too rotten I guess."

"No, really, it's great! I'm pretty sure he inherited your talent!"

"Oh stop it, please, you're gonna make me blush!" Mum waved her hand and laughed. I'm pretty sure there was really a small blush appearing across her cheeks.

_'What kind of horror is this?'_

If this is a horror, and I'm the main character, then by rules I'll be the one who dies at the end. Is it starting already? Should I scream now?

"Who wants cake?"

"I'm in!" He Tian raised his hand enthusiastically.

"Mo?" She asked me already holding a knife, preparing to cut the cake "What's wrong? Are you feeling sick, honey? Cheer up a bit!"

"Yeah,  _Mo,_ cheer up!" He Tian smirked at me and I barely resisted the urge to punch him in the face.

The rest of the night went as awful as expected. Mum and He Tian kept talking about all kinds of stuff, laughing at mum's horrible jokes, exchanging looks I couldn't quite decode. We spend three long hours like that, first two passed by in my search for a closest window to jump through. The last hour I started to get used to everything and relax more, but my body was still kinda stiff.

It was already night time when mum asked me to walk He Tian home, which I gladly accepted, because it'll be less awkward than staying with her at home after all this.

As soon as we stepped outside, He Tian started laughing loudly.

"I like your mother! What an extraordinary lady!"

"Hey, that's my mother you're talking about."

"Well I said I like her!"

I sighed "But does she like  _you?_ That's the real question..."

He stopped laughing and scratched his head "Eeehh, good question... I don't know actually. She was sending me mixed signals."

"What is that supposed to mean..."

Instead of answering, he gave me a warm, reassuring smile. I watched him with suspicion for awhile, when he surprised me with a question.

"Wanna grab a bite somewhere?"

"I'm not really hungry, we just ate..."

"Then coffee?"

"This late?"

"Why not? Like you'll sleep."

I pouted "Well I was planning to..."

He put his arm around my shoulders "No way! Let's go out a bit! You're too young to sleep this early!"

I sighed "Fine, I guess... You can choose a place. But let go of me, we're outside..." I gently pushed his cheek while he giggled like a child.

So we ended up in a caffe. It wasn't a big place, but I must admit it was very nice. It was one of those old-fashioned-like caffes, where everything was made of dark wood that was shining. The radio played something resembling western jazz and music from early '80s. There were few people, only two of them seemed fairly young, while other, older couples wandered around between their late 30s and 40s, as far as I can tell.

"Wow..." I looked around in disbelief "Didn't expect you to choose something like this... I thought you were a 'party freak' or something..."

His lips curved into a smirk "Well, I  _do_ like to party hardcore, but I also like something more relaxing. And to be honest, I find this place irresistible, don't you?"

I reached for a chair to sit, but his hands grabbed it before me and pulled it backwards. I looked at him and raised an eyebrow before I sat while he brought it closer again.

"What, you tryin'a act like a gentleman?"

"You could at least appreciate my efforts." He said with a chuckle while sitting across me.

"They even put flowers on every table... I can't believe it..." I said, playing with red petals of small flower in equally small glass vase in the center of the table.

"Smells nice here, doesn't it?"

"I must say, they really tried."

He raised his sight to look at the ceiling with crystal lamps all over "Someone must've put a lot of effort in this."

"And money." I added. He looked at me, his brows furrowing with slight anger.

"Don't always think of material consequences. If you really want something, you'll find a way to build it step by step, even with less money. Sure, it's harder without cash, because the world revolves around money nowadays, but the fairest people with less money will enjoy their success more than those who are born with it. Trust me. People usually tell me 'I can't understand because I have no such issues', but I actually admire people like you."

"Like me?"

"Of course. You may not have a lot of financial support, but you still have ambitions. Don't you wanna build something like this?" He gestured at the caffe around us.

I bowed my head, thinking about everything he said. Of course I had ideas, but I never considered it seriously possible. I bit my lip.

"I... I wanna build a restaurant. But my own restaurant. I want to be the one to decide the decorations, put little flowers on tables like this, and give people who can't find a job a chance to make delicious food. And I want mum to eat at my restaurant every day with a smile. And I want to make enough money for both of us, so she could stop working and dedicate to her health."

An even wider smile was back on his face "See, that's what I like about you. You're ambitious."

I gripped my fists "Those are just beautiful ideas though... It's easier said than done."

"Yes, but as long as you can dream, you can live too. I'm sure you'll succed. And you'll be the one with the widest smile when you do~"

My lips curved into small smile "I really hope so..." I added under my breath. I was struggling with mixed feelings. I never told anyone what I just told him. It felt both reliving and unexpectedly embarrassing. It felt like I was saying the impossible, but instead of laughing at me he supported me. And his words really encouraged me. They made me want to make them a reality, to really try harder, to become the person I thought I never could be.

I didn't expect this kind of positive reaction. I probably never told anyone because of fear of being made fun of. I never dreamed someone would understand, not to mention support my decisions. Yes, they weren't just a dream anymore, they were decisions. I decided in that very moment that I will make him admire me even more.

"You can really be nice sometimes for such a shithead..." I looked down and scratched my nape.

"Haha, I'll take that as a compliment ~"

The waitress came with a polite smile and a notebook. He ordered coke and I ordered a lemonade. She came back with our drinks shortly after. Not only the place was nice, but the service was fast too. I'm starting to like this place more and more.

"Hey, wanna dance?" He Tian asked suddenly after awhile of nice silence.

"What?" I blinked bluntly a few times.

"Come on, it'll be fun~!" He grabbed my arm and made me stand up. I gasped in surprise and immediately dragged my hand back.

"Are you an idiot! T-There are people here... No way!"

He sighted "Why're you always so lame... It's not like anyone will watch us. And even if they do, I don't care. Come on, come on, you only live once after all!"

He grabbed my arm again and pulled us to the empty space in the middle of the caffe. Before I could say a word, he put his hand around my waist, pulling me closer, and put my own hand on his shoulder.

"H-He Tian, I d-don't know how t-to dance..." I was already blushing furiously.

"It's okay. Just follow my steps." He grabbed my free hand in his own and put them in the height of our shoulders "Like this." He moved backwards, then forward, to the side and forward again.

"I-If I step on you..."

"It's okay. You're not heavy, I'd probably barely feel if you do. But you need to relax. Just don't think about anything."

"I-It's easy to say that..."

I constantly stared at our feet because I was embarrassed to look up, and when I did I saw people were staring at us and it made me feel even more embarrassed. I shut my eyes tightly.

"Hey." I heard He Tian's voice next to my ear and flinched "Look at me."

I raised my sight and met his grey eyes with that soft expression only I knew. The more I stared at them, the more my mind wandered, and at one point my feet were moving on their own, perfectly matching his rhythm. Before I knew it, we were dancing.

I didn't care about people watching us anymore. I didn't see them. Suddenly, there was nothing but us, caught in that very moment. We were moving while everything was standing still, even the time itself.

I couldn't quite tell if it was my imagination or was he getting closer. His eyes moved just slightly across my face, analyzing like they were looking for something. I rested my forehead on his and closed my eyes. My heart was beating like crazy and it was getting warm around my body. My stomach flinched with uneasiness, little butterflies flying with the edge of my lungs to the throat and back. It was practically an unusual feeling, but not unknown.

I don't remember the last time I felt this relaxed. The music suddenly stopped, and I became once again aware of the crowd around us. They were clapping and cheering with whistles and flushed cheeks. Some of them even recorded us, giggling behind their hands.

I looked around and felt warmth spread to my ears. I buried my face into He Tian's colar while he waved with a proud grin.

"I-I want to die..." I said as we walked outside later.

"Don't be like that! We even got coffee and cake for free~!"

"Shut up! Don't remind me! I'm so embarrassed!!!" I hid my face behind my palms.

"I think they liked the performance though ~ It's refreshing to see such a reaction."

"Y-Yeah... How did they not find it weird or something?" I slowly put my hands down, but still stared somewhere distant.

"They are all almost-middle-aged people. They are old enough to have experienced stuff, but yet fairly young to be having a box point of view. And you can say by the place they hang out at, they are nice people. That's probably why they don't tend to be violent, or homophobic."

"Did you do something like that with someone before?" A blunt question filled with little jealousy on top.

"No. But I always wanted to~"

"Why didn't you dance with a girl? Bet you'd get free coupons for a week or something." I chuckled teasingly.

"Why're you always doing that?" an unexpectedly angry reaction again.

"Doing what exactly?"

"Underestimating yourself. In every way. If I wanted a girl, I could've had any girl."

"I know that..." I scratched my arm, that damn spicy jealousy again.

"Then stop saying stuff like that. It's not about the gender. As long as we're compatable, I couldn't care less about such trivial things. Besides," he put his hand on the back of my head and caressed trimmed hair "I like you just the way you are~"

My pupils widened and a strong blush was back again. I moved his hand away.

"You... are being so embarrassing today... I'm starting to wonder if you're the same person..."

He smiled widely "It's just that I missed you a lot during our little break~"

A barely audible 'Shut up' was all I could manage. I felt the butterflies in my stomach wanted so desperately to get out.

"I-I need to go home... It's getting really late..." I murmured.

"Do I get a goodbye kiss~?" He pointed at himself with a grin.

"No."

He put a hand around my waist and stuck our bodies together "What's that? Did I hear a 'yes'?"

"No, you heard a-" before I could finish, he kissed me.

"See, it was a 'yes'~" he teased me.

"Fuck you, cheating bastard..."

"Gladly~"

I pushed his face away and we both laughed.

"See you tomorrow." I said, walking away.

"For sure~" he waved to me.

I sneezed and hugged myself "It's freezing... Dammit, I'm gonna catch a cold like this..."

The streets were dark. Crowd still filled the city, but the more I went down the road to my home, the less people there were. Silence was getting creepy.

A single man was standing in the street. Walk faster, pass the stranger, the most safe way. Suddenly, I could see the silhouette clear when it stepped under street light. A person I recognized, and if I remember well, it was He Tian's brother.

"It's quite dangerous to walk around alone this late." He said with his deep voice.

Yes, his brother indeed. I wasn't msitaken. I could never forget those eyes.

"I'm not a girl." I answered confidentiality, trying to hide the horror I felt. For no particular reason, he was giving me the creeps.

"Maybe. But you are still weak as one." His eyes were cold as Arctic, and I needed time to realize that what they were staring at wasn't me.

"What?" was the last thing I murmured before arms grabbed me from behind. With an immediate reflex reaction, I grabbed strong muscles that were chocking me, screaming to let go. A cloth muffled my voice, and after a few more twitches, darkness lanced around me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another cliffhanger! (sorry...) Hope I don't get triggered like last time xD


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um... Yea I'm out of excuses. No going around the bush. Tbh I was literally going to abandon this story, for real. In fact, I did. I am having problems with laziness on entire new level, it's like a semi depression. U ever got a feeling when u go like 'meh' about everything? Well if u did, I can relate. But even tho I stopped for such a long time, so many new AND old readers still stayed, commented, supported, were so nice, I just stopped like ''...wait? ppl still read my shit? how...'' So insted of deleting it, I thought it'd be fair to at least finish it. So I did. And I can't exspress how much I am thankful for all u beautiful people out there being supportive. I hope u can enjoy the story 'till end :)

Waking up with blurry image in front of my eyes, I put the maximum strength in my arms to support me. I rubbed my eyes and groaned in pain. As my sight got clear, I realized I wasn't in a surrounding I've seen before.

 I was lying on a big and long sofa in an enormous room, which looked like an office you only see in a movie. White walls surrounded the space inside, which was full of expensive looking furniture and other accessories. Big vitreous windows were behind an office table full of papers and books, a comfy-looking chair hiding behind that mess, and in that chair, a man sat.

“Hello.” The man said to me. His dark eyes I already knew, seeing them for the third time. Even though I know for a fact I never saw this man in my life, I felt like his aura was familiar.

 _“Don't close mountains,_ is it? Funny, but at the same time interesting choice of words, make such a rare name.”

I didn’t have any clue what he was talking about.

“Who are you?” I asked bluntly “Where am I? I don’t know you people, why am I here? Are you with those-“

“Now now,” he rose his hand “I see you have so many questions, child. Be patient. I will answer all of them eventually. But please, take a cup of tea first.”

“A cup of tea?”

Just in that moment, a woman dressed as a maid came into the room with a tray holding two teacups and sugar cup separately standing next to them.

“Chio, bring some cookies too, please.”

“There’s no need for that.” I said to him, while the maid placed one cup on the table next to me, and other to his table, carefully finding enough space to put a teacup in the middle of that mess. The echo of door closing filled the room after she left.

I wouldn’t take my eyes of him, trying to put on a tough look when in fact I was so scared I felt my hands trembling. I gripped the sofa harder trying to calm down.

“Please, have a taste.” He gestured at my cup.

“You said you'd answer my questions.”

He chuckled “Relax. I won’t harm you in any way. If I'm honest, I'm scared of what will happen to me if I even whip a hair on your head.” Another, almost sarcastic chuckle.

“My son seem to be attached to you, and our relationship is already bad enough. I don’t intend on making it worse.”

“Your...son?”

My slow brain needed time to adjust to the situation, but eventually I put two and two together and my eyes widened in surprise.

“You're He Tian's...father?”

“That's exactly right.” He crossed his hands on the table, fingers interlocking together “And you are his boyfriend, correct?”

I swallowed hardly to that creepy smile “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Oh, it has to do with _everything.”_

He took a sip of his tea and the leather chair creek as he shuffled in it.

“As I said before, my He Tian seem to feel very attached to you for some reason. I was thinking and thinking, but I don’t understand why. Don’t take me wrongly, it's not that I think you're bad or anything. But I don’t find anything special about you either. If anything, you're pretty plain.” He took a piece of paper and locked his eyes on it “You come from a poor family of single parent, you used to own a successful restaurant, but it came to collapsing point in its few last years. It was closed due to financial debts, most of them unpaid, and it's owner, your father, was deprived of his working license. That’s probably the year when he ended up in jail, too. There's no confirmation of your parents' divorce. Big mistake if you ask me.”

He let the paper fall back into place.

“You must be working very hard to pay your mother’s medicine and health-care. It's pretty amazing for someone your age. Although, not impressive enough. I don't even mind that you're a guy. I know my son always had...different tastes. Yet I can’t understand why he holds _you_ oh so dear. I thought, if I met you in person I might come to understanding, but unfortunately I'm still not impressed. Maybe you can tell me?”

I stared at him with mouth open, full of mixture of anger, despair and strong embarrassment. He on the other hand was totally calm, as if all he just said was an everyday thing and not a taboo theme.

“So?” he repeated impatiently.

I gripped the sofa so hard the tips of my fingers turned white. I locked my eyes on the floor. I was on the edge of crying.

“Impressed? Are you kidding me?” I murmured through my teeth. He hummed with slight interest.

“Your _son_ is a human being, too. He can make his own choices. Do you really think I need to be somehow ‘ _impressive’_ for him to love me?”

“You think he _loves_ you?”

I bit my lip “I know he does.”

An amused smirk spread across his face “Oh?” he leaned back into his previous position “I think I know my son pretty well and-“

“With full respect, I sincerely doubt that. Dare I say, except for being his biological parent, you don’t know him at all.”

A smirk disappeared and was replaced with obvious dissatisfaction “And you think _you_ know him?”

The tips of my fingers sunk into furniture, but my arms stopped trembling long ago.

“No, I...think he's a much more complex person and a few months of relationship aren’t enough to get to know him fully... He is very cautious, probably because of _you_ again. And despite his kinky behavior, he's like a fucking ostrich. He doesn’t open up that easily, especially when you want him to. But, I still think I know him better than you do.”

After finishing my genius monolog, I realized I accidentally cursed and I immediately regret it. Dammit. I gave up on impressing his father long ago, but considering my situation at the moment, it would be better to behave.

“Interesting...” he smiled viciously again, putting two fingers on his cheekbone “Did he tell you he loves you?”  

My jaw clenched. I breathed in and out deeply.

“No...” I spoke with steady voice “But, sometimes words aren't needed to express something. He's not very good with words, but he expressed his feelings to me in every other possible way, and for me that's enough.” I finally raised my sight, looking him straight in the eye “Not expecting someone like you to understand of course.”

_‘What am I doing?’_

His face was getting darker, but I didn’t even twitch.

“I’m not afraid of you.”

_‘I’m not afraid of you my ass...’_

His reaction was rather unexpected. He bursted into loud laugh, leaning backwards into his chair to catch a breath. I could only blink in surprise and confusion.

“You really _are_ interesting after all!” he said while wiping a tear off.

“Um...” I shuffled uncomfortably in place. A blush appeared across my face. Even though I couldn’t understand what just happened, I felt like I just said something really stupid.

“I must say, I am pleased. So I won’t kill you after all.”

Chills ran down my spine. _And what was I supposed to say to that? ‘Thanks’?_

The door squeaked once again and two different men dressed into the same uniform came in, grabbing me from both sides.

“Hey- What are you doing?!” I wriggled out of their hold and looked at Mr.Tian angrily “We had a deal!” I screamed pointing a finger to show off my anger.

He simply smirked and stayed quiet, like he was waiting for something. I was going to ask what it was when my finger divided into three.

“Wha...” I was losing balance. My legs started shaking. 

“What...was...in..that tea...?” I managed to ask, before my legs lost strength and I fell into darkness once again.

⭐   ⭐   ⭐

“What do we do with him?”

“Take him upstairs, in a spare room. Don't hurt him though. We need him.” The man said leaning back in his leather office chair.

“For what?”

The man smiled evily “For negotiation of course.”

Both guys nodded obediently, and then took the unconscious body outside.

“Do you have a key for that room?”

“There will be no need for that.” He Cheng appeared out of nowhere, with his usual vicious aura.

“But... Boss said – “

“I know what dad said. Now you will listen to me.”

⭐   ⭐   ⭐   

**_He Tian's POV:_ **

I walked back and forth nervously without a break. The phone rings with a voicemail for the hundred time, and I curse under my breath.

_> >Hello?<< _

“Hello Auntie~ Sorry to bother, can you tell Guan Shan to pick up his phone?”

_> >Oh, but isn't Mo at your place?<< _

My stomach twisted from the inside-out. I swallowed hardly, trying to calm down.

“Oh yeah, he mentioned he was coming!”

There was a short pause of her suspicious silence.

_> >He Tian honey, is everything alright?<< _

I bit my lip “Y-Yeah, of course! Oh, Mo just came in, gotta go. Bye Auntie~”

_> >He Tian- << _

I hung up before she could finish her sentence. That was close. I just hoped I sounded convincing enough.

I pressed the phone against my forehead and breathed in deeply. Just then it started ringing and scared me to death.

I saw a number I hoped I'd never see again, and a hunch told me something bad is gonna happen.

“What do you want? I'm kinda busy at the m – “

_> >With what? You don’t have time for your boyfriend anymore?<< _

My hands froze and cold sweat immediately washed over me.

“What did you just say?”

_> >Brother, I think we have some things to talk about. Come at the address I send with an e-mail at the written time tonight.<< _

“Look He Cheng, I don’t know what kind of sick game you're playing, but if he's hurt I swear to God – “

_> >Don't worry, he's uninjured. But that might change if you try to do anything funny.<<_

A long beeping sound took my breath away. I stared at an inexisting dot at a wall, gripping my phone.

Finally, all my fears came true. I cursed outloud and smashed my phone into the wall. It bounced off it and rotated a few times on the floor before completely falling apart. I kept cursing without a break, smashing everything material and valuable I came across.

Crouching, I fastly dragged my hands through my hair. I took a breath. I need to calm down. I need to think rationally.

Sticking my fingers together im front of my nose and still cursing, I breathed heavily. One thing was for sure – I can’t do this alone. Another thing is for sure – if I don’t come alone, my brother's gonna flip a switch. If I come with someone who they can’t hurt however...

Then an idea clicked in my mind. I quickly grabbed a sparing phone and called the only person beside Mo I could really trust.

“Hello? Jian Yi? I've got a problem...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry if I didn't answer some comments... tbh sometimes I just don't see them, or idk what to answer xD that doesn't mean I didn't notice u tho. Every comment means a lot to me and again, I thank u all for being such nice lil' creatures 
> 
> ~Berry


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter one. Sorry, I fucked up with division...

_Finally, all my fears came true. I cursed outloud and smashed my phone into the wall. It bounced off it and rotated a few times on the floor before completely falling apart. I kept cursing without a break, smashing everything material and valuable I came across._

_Crouching, I fastly dragged my hands through my hair. I took a breath. I need to calm down. I need to think rationally._

_Sticking my fingers together im front of my nose and still cursing, I breathed heavily. One thing was for sure – I can’t do this alone. Another thing is for sure – if I don’t come alone, my brother's gonna flip a switch. If I come with someone who they can’t hurt however..._

_Then an idea clicked in my mind. I quickly grabbed a sparing phone and called the only person beside Mo I could really trust._

_“Hello? Jian Yi? I've got a problem...”_

_***_

“He Tian?”

“What is it?”

“You don’t have a plan, do you?”

“Shut up Xi, I do. I'm just rethinking it.”

“Are we gonna die?” Jian Yi said stuck onto my back, Zhang Zhengxi pushing him from behind.

“Possible.”

“Why did I agree to this.” I heard Zhang Zhengxi complain from the back.

“Would you stop sticking to me? You can walk yourself.”

“Xi is pushing me.”

“ _YOU’RE PULLING ME FORWARD!”_

I took a deep breath. It was a stupid idea to bring these two along. Not only I put them in danger, but I put myself in even bigger danger too.

“Where are we going anyway?”

“We’re almost there. The plan is to stay as calm as you can.”

Jian Yi opened his mouth to say something but he stopped as we came in front of a terrifying sight. I recognized them all, those who claimed to be my _family,_ staring at us with vicious and dark eyes. My brother stood in front as an alpha leader. I stepped forward.

“Where is he?”

He Cheng stared at me for a few seconds in silence, then made a gesture with his head. From dense group inbetween came two guys who held Guan Shan, tied and muted. He looked confused and scared, and I could see a stain of blood on the edge of his nostril. He obviously took a blow. I could feel anger boiling inside my veins, but I gripped my teeth and stayed put for now. Xi and Jian Yi were silent too, paralyzed with fear and shock.

“What do you want?”

He Cheng's eyes analyzed me from head to toe, then they glanced over to Jian Yi and Zhang Zhengxi, obviously not satisfied with their presence.

“Say, little brother, do you think you're special?”

I raised an eyebrow “Eh?”

“Just answer my question. Do you consider yourself special?”

Again, I was confused “What does that have to do with –“

He turned around and gripped Mo's cheeks between his fingers, raising his head a bit upwards. He murmured through the duck tape.

“DONT TOUCH HIM!” I finally lost my temper. He Cheng only barely glanced at me with pure coldness.

“Dad obviously considers you special. No matter what you do, he forgives you. And he _still_ thinks you'd make a good leader. Well,” he let go of Mo “No offense, you are my brother and I love you as a family, but I don't see how someone so reckless and emotionally unstable can lead an organization as big as ours.”

I gripped my teeth “Is that what this is about? Leadership? Then you can take over, I don’t fucking want it. But let him go right now, or you'll regret it.”

He Cheng made a long sigh “See, that’s where the problem lies. I've been trying to explain father the exact same thing, but he just won't let go. He thinks, with enough training and roughing your mentality, you'd be perfect.”

“Well he's wrong.” I spurted, preparing to take the last resort. Even if it means revealing myself.

He Cheng made a short _’hmpf'_ and rose his hand “In that case, I shall personally remodel you into a perfect leader. Or this little fox shall die.” He looked at Guan Shan, who could only murmur a startled sound.

Finally I flipped my switch and pulled a gun out of my back pocket, causing an immediate reaction from my _brothers,_ pulling out heavy weapons themselves. The tension spread through the air, I pointed at them and they pointed at me. I could feel stunned stares from Mo and the two behind me.

“ _What are you doing?!”_ Jian Yi whispered barely audible.

“There's no need for causing trouble, brother. You are outnumbered, don't be crazy and put the gun down.”

“No, you all put the guns down. And let him go. Then we may negotiate.”

He Cheng simply frowned with a grin “Come on brother, don't be stupid, do you really think _you're_ holding ties here? Even if we killed him, like dad would care. He's only temporarily important because you treasure him.”

“No... You're right. Dad wouldn’t care if you killed him. But how would dad feel if he found out you killed his favorite son?”

He Cheng’s eyes narrowed “What?”

Like in slow motion, I pointed a gun to my own head.  


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now a super longer one to make up for last fuck up... Yay! 
> 
> Smh math was never my thing... Don't mind don't mind...

The time seemed to be frozen in that very moment. Everyone stood still as a response to the unexpected overturn.

“He Tian, what do you think you're doing?” He Cheng tensed his muscles.

“Let him go. Or I swear I’ll shoot.”

“He Tian – “

“He Cheng, I honestly doubt dad will believe you if you say I killed myself. Especially after what you've done. I don’t think all _this_ was his plan either, now wasn’t it?”

He twitched. So I was right.

“Like you really have the guts to actually pull that trigger...”

“Wanna bet?” I loosened the trigger so it was prepared to shoot at any moment. Everyone stared at me in silence, obviously thinking I was crazy. But thanks to that, they took my word seriously enough to remove a ducktape from Mo's mouth and untie him. Obviously unpleased, He Cheng pushed him like a bowling pin and I caught him in my arms. He held onto me tightly, his whole body trembling like an earthquake.

He Cheng and his crew became impatient.

I pointed at them again “Tell father uncle Si Yeon said hi ~ “

With that I put the gun under my belt again and, still gripping Mo's shoulder, turned around and started walking away. Jian Yi and Zhang Zhengxi instinctively followed without a word, without any questions.

We managed to get away a little less than a mile, when Jian Yi, of course, spoke first.

“He Tian?”

“What?” I started walking faster.

“What do we do now?”

“We run.”

“What?” they started walking faster too, struggling to match my rhythm. I turned around only to see we are being followed.

_“Run.”_

Without a second warning, I started running. Men in black still followed us, and I knew they were faster and will catch up soon. I had to come up with something.

“ _THIS WASN’T A PART OF THE PLAN!_ ” Xi screamed from the back of his lungs.  

“SHUT UP, JUST KEEP MOVING!”

_‘Quickly, quickly’_

With a corner of an eye I saw a narrow tunel that leads to downtown, and a little bulb above my head lightened up.

“This way!” I shouted and made a sharp turn into the tunnel. I didn’t even have time to turn around, I just hope they are right behind me.

Soon, we found ourselves in a crowd of the city. Slowing down, we tried to find a place with thickest mass and fit in to make ourselves invisible. I glanced over. Guys that are following us struggled to push themselves through the sea of people, now already far behind us. Jian Yi exhaled. But we weren’t safe yet.

This wasn’t precisely a good idea, and I knew it. It's only a temporary solution. In worst case possible, they could disable us with a tranquilizer and pretend to be helping us to avoid a rucus, then take us to father. Simple, fast and unnoticed.

I gripped Mo's hand harder. It was wet, cold sweat.

“We need a ride.”

Jian Yi got closer, almost sticking to my arm “You got a car or something?”

I looked around, my eyes researching the area “No, but I can get one. But you need to trust me.”

“I don't like that.” Zhang Zhengxi walked behind rather nervously.

“No offense Xi, but no one asked for your opinion.” Zhang Zhengxi glared at me once again and I planned on apologizing...later.

We hid behind the corner of a gas station nearby, avoiding dad's pets, who almost got us just now. With a corner of my eye, I noticed a truck, and a man coming out of it to get some extra gas.

_‘Perfect'_

Well, not exactly _perfect_ , but it will do.

The man got back in and shut the door of the vehicle when he heard a _click._

“If you scream or call for help, I'll shoot.”

He opened his mouth but no sound cane out. He was ready to shout, at least until he saw I actually had a gun pointed at him.

“HE TIAN!”

“I told you to not ask anything, Jian Yi...”

“NO, YOU IDIOT! LOOK!” he pointed his finger at the men who ran in our direction.

“Crap... We've got no time for this! Get in!”

“What the—What do you kids think you're doing?!” the man in the truck tackled when we started going in.

“Just shut up and drive!!!”

“You think I'll—“

I pointed a gun at him again and with no further questions, he stepped on the break to the maximum. Our bodies fell back into old seat from the sudden force. I looked back and grinned at the annoyed faces of guys left on the gas station.

“Where are we going?!” the driver asked.

“Anywhere. Just drive where the traffic is fine!”

“You kids are crazy!!!” and despite saying that, he obeyed.

Traffic jam gave us security only temporary, but my hopes were shattered once again when I realized we were still being followed.

Two, no, three black cars surrounded us from each side, and the driver was already starting to panic.

“What the fuck is going on?! Why are they following us?!?”

“Shit, they just won't give the fuck up...” 

_Calm down. I have to think._

“Old man, keep us on the move if you wanna stay alive.” I said to the driver and, ignoring his confused questions, pushed myself through the small cabin between Jian Yi, Zhang and Mo. I gripped the cold thick metal above me tightly and climbed out of an opened window. Mo suddenly started panicking.

“HE TIAN, WHAT ARE YOU—“

“Stay there.” It was more of an order than a request. I put the gun between my teeth, and then, carefully like a cat, climbed on top of the van. Now I could see the black car right behind.

The most problematic one.

_‘I have to get rid of them fast.’_

I knew how small my chances are. The wind was harsh and the pressure was surprisingly heavy. To stay stable on two feet, a complete concentration was needed. Not to mention I had a shotgun, that was certainly not suited for this distance or conditions. I just hope my steady hands don’t fail me now.

I reacted quickly. Taking the position, I tensed my muscles to maximum, sharpened my eye and took a breath. Two shots, one missed but one shot a tire, which was just enough to make them crash. Honestly, if I had time to celebrate, I'd be proud of myself.

But now's not the time. Agile as before, I dragged myself back into the cabin, where I met horror and fear on my friend's faces.

“That’s one down.” I murmured to myself, but it was still audible.

“What are you...” Zhang started a question, but couldn’t finish it.

“Old man, let me take your place.”

“What???”

Already annoyed, my steady voice turned into yelling “No time!!! Just switch places with me!!!”

This time no further inquiry happened. He probably just accepted the fact that I'm a nut-case and concluded his own life is, after all, most important to him at this moment.

“Do you even know how to drive?!” The man asked.

“No” I answered, putting on the belt “But I'm a fast learner.” And I stepped on the break with all the strength I had left.

Truly, I was a terrible driver. It wasn’t the first time I had a steering wheel in my hands, it's just that I hoped I'll never have to do that again.

Driving a van was far harder than driving a normal car. Mostly because of it's size, and combined with thick traffic of Hong Kong, I felt like a farmer driving potatoes instead of living people.

I almost lost control when a shotgun fired and broke the glass right in front of our noses. Everyone screamed at sudden sound and covered their faces to protect it from little broken pieces. I heard Jian Yi curse out-loud. The closest person to me was Mo, and knowing what I had to do, I clicked my tongue.

“Guan Shan, hold the wheel for me.”

“WHAT?!”

“Just for a moment.”

“I CAN'T FUCKING DRIVE—“ But I simply let go of the steering wheel and let his instincts react instead of him. Grabbing my old friend once again, I aimed at a guy on the co-driver’s seat and shoot. And missed, but managed to hit the front window which made them lose balance for a moment. Window for a window.

“LOOK OUT!” Mo screamed and quickly pulled me back, just a split second before a bullet flew right in front of my nose. We looked at each other, I realized some fucker from the other car must've shoot, and that he just saved my life.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! LOOK AT THE ROAD!!!” Zhang screamed pointing his hand at the road and getting me back to reality. With one hand I opened the gun and saw I got only one bullet left.

“Okay guys, change of plans. We will have to risk a bit...”

“Oh, and what the hell have we been doing ‘till now?!?” Jian Yi started losing reason.

“The distance between the bridge we're at right now and the river underneath us is about 100 meters more-less, _but_ at the place where it merges with the road it's much less, I'd say about 50 meters.”

“So what?” Zhang tried to follow.

“So, I hope you can swim because we'll have to jump.”

“ _What?”_

Right when you think they couldn’t look more stunned or scared. I rose the hand with gun in it.

“I have one bullet left. That's not enough to get rid of them all. So I'll stop the van right at the edge of the bridge, to make them crash, and try to make a short-circuit. I'll make it so we can have 10 seconds to jump into the water before it blows up.”

They stared at me in silence, waiting for me to say it was a joke. But unfortunately, I was very serious.

“ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!”

“Yes, but I think we have confirmed that already.”

“AND I THOUGHT SO TOO, UNTIL NOW!”

“Look, I don’t like it either, but it's our only chance. Besides, it's not that high. We have 50 percent of survival—“

“ _50_ _PERCENT_?!”

“ _Which is pretty much._ What, are you afraid to get a little wet, Jian Yi?”

He opened his mouth but stayed speechless. Maybe he was an idiot, but a coward? No.

“H-He Tian, I can’t jump...” Mo looked frightened.

“YEAH, ME NEITHER! FORGET IT KID!”

I looked at both of them with a cold expression and voice as cold as my face “Then stay here and die.”

They bowed their heads and swallowed hardly. The argue was finished.

“You have to react fast. When I say jump, we all jump. No hesitation. Xi and Jian Yi from the right, and Mo and Mister from my side. Clear?”

None of them seemed pretty satisfied with my words, but they soon accepted that it was our only choice. I, myself, was aware of just how _badly_ can this go, but it wasn’t the first time I did something that could cost me my life. However, it was the first time I had someone with me who I didn’t want to die.

“Okay, here we go...”

I stepped on the halt once again and we went into full speed, all the way to the end of the bridge. The van took a sharp turn and creaked viciously, ripping my ears. I started counting, and those three seconds were the longest in my life. I could see that the others felt the same way, and when I said _three,_ the time seemed to stop and everything was going slow motion like in a movie.

Jian Yi jumped first, Mister followed and then Xi too. Mo hesitated for a second before he followed them with fear deep in his eyes. I quickly reached for the wires beneath my feet and cut just enough to get the wanted effect. Without losing another second, I jumped to the side, falling from my high place in the van through the big hole in the bridge it made.

There is a thin line between fear and exhilaration right before you die. There is a moment, in one's life, which takes you into another reality when you ask yourself: _Am I about to die?_ Then you take it all in. You see everything, feel the wind on your skin, feel the cold of the night and the slap of icy water. The river accepted me as its own, clutching me tightly and swallowing me whole. Somehow it was warmer than the outside. It was so warm, it made me want to stay there, to let the warmth take me completely. Because right there, I had a choice, a choice and an excuse to do what I'd been too much of a coward to do. After all, what was the point of my life so far?

Suddenly, as my mind worked as fast as ever in this near-death situation, there was a flash, and I saw a person. It was only a flash, yet it changed everything. My eyes opened and I started swimming.

_No. I can’t die here. Not now._

If there is that one person, that one chance even if so shaky, I owe him a lot more than my death. I owe him my life. And he doesn’t deserve to die. Nor do Jian Yi or Zhang Zhengxi.

I took the oxygen deep into my lungs as I got to the cold outside again. Jian Yi floated a few feet away, Zhang Zhengxi right next to him, and Mister popped out soon after, struggling a bit to keep his chubby body above water.

“Where's Mo?”

They looked at each other. I called his name out once, and when I got no answer I dived into warm water again. I already started panicking when I caught a glimpse of his white jacket and pulled him out with me.

He started coughing, struggling to breathe but, fortunately, alive.

“If you can’t swim you're supposed to tell me, idiot!”

“I- was- trying-“ he spoke with coughing breaks.

“Come on.” I kept pulling him untill we reached the coast. Once we were all safe and sound of the ground, I pulled out the last cigarette out of my pocket. Obviously, a lot of _lasts_ were on me tonight. I wondered if God was giving me a sign. Maybe I shoul've just died.

I tried to lighten the cigarette up, but with no success. Logically, because both the cigarette and the lighter were wet.

“Fuck.” I cursed in annoyance and gave up the only source of my reasoning.

“Everybody good?” They looked at me, all wet and dirty, clothes and faces peaky, just like me “Good. Then we can go home. I'm starving.”

“WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE.” Jian Yi stood up. I turned around. Here we go.

“WHAT _THE HECK_ JUST HAPPENED HE TIAN?!” 

I raised my eyebrows “Well uh, you were there so... If you want to go over the story – “

“ _THAT’S NOT IT!_ WE ALMOSY DIED JUST NOW, HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM?! YOU ASKED US TO HELP YOU RESCUE MO, I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS SHIT!”

My expression didn’t change “Yeah? I say that my whole life. After awhile, you kinda get used to it and it becomes like an old friend. Always a new surprise~ “

Zhang Zhangxi, usually the quiet one, couldn’t sit this one out either “He Tian, are you aware that we just committed like, more than 5 crimes?! Including the possible murder, because I'm pretty sure there were _people_ in the car we crashed.”

“Yeah, I know. So?”

_“SO?!”_

“Look,” I sighed deeply “We can’t change what happened tonight. It'll be easier for you to learn to deny it from yourselves. And everyone else. Because I've lost my gun in that river because of _you,_ but I have plenty more at home, and in desperate situations I'm not afraid to use it.”

Xi's eyes widened “You wouldn’t...”

“I was prepared to kill myself, and my own _brother_ , you think I couldn’t kill you? What are you to me?”

He swallowed and looked down. “A friend, or so I thought.” He barely whispered, more to himself. Jian Yi also bowed his head. It was unexpected for Zhang Zhengxi to say stuff like that. He wasn’t emotionless, but he didn’t like to show his emotions either.

“We _are_ friends. That's why. I'm protecting you.”

“From whom exactly? Your family, or yourself?”

That was the last blow. Xi was a smart one, occasionally even smarter than me. Sometimes, I wondered too.

“Both.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw I didn't do any grammar check, like, for anything I'm posting now so... If u wanna cringe, ur free to. Ik I probably will, when I re-read it later.

_''I'm protecting you.”_

_“From whom exactly? Your family, or yourself?”_

_Sometimes, I wondered too._

_“Both.”_

_***_

It was hard convincing them the best solution is to stay silent, especially the old driver. Eventually, all I could rely on is their trust in me and their loyalty, and hopefully big enough paranoia for the man.

Now it was only me and Mo. We walked alone across empty grassy fields with the view to city lights underneath the cliff. We were both wet, cold and dirty, but at least alive. He was silent all night, from the moment this began, he was the most quiet one. And I know it's not that he has nothing to say. In fact, he has to say too much, to _ask_ too much that he doesn’t know where to begin.

I stopped to look at him “Okay, we're clear now. Just go all out. If you want to punch me even, go ahead, I won’t resist anything.”

“What’s the point.” He didn’t raise his sight “Nothing I do will help me shake off this... feeling.”

There was _almost_ no anger in his eyes, yet I couldn’t read it quite well. I'd say it was more a... disappointment.

Another unusual thing, and the worst that can happen. I was prepared for shouting, punches, a lot of swear words. I was almost _hoping_ he'd just scream he hates me untill he stayes out of breath, like he usually does, like I'd _expect_ of him. But not this. His unexpected silence was hurting me more than any punch.

“Mo I – “

“Don’t touch me.” He slapped my hand away, his eyes shining in tears. He didn’t weap or sob, but they just kept heaping up untill one slid down his cheek.

“You look cold. Maybe you should take my shirt – “

“I don’t. Want anything from you.” He finally raised his eyes to look at me, as another tear slid down his other cheek.

I sighed. I turned around and started walking.

“Come with me. We need to talk.”

Honestly, I didn’t expect him to follow me at this point. I expected him to turn around and leave, no, I _wanted_ him to turn around and leave beacuse it would be easier. But he didn’t, he was following me. Because he wanted answers.

We sat on a small hill, I call it a hill but it was more like a pile of grass on a cliff above the city. I grabbed my dear cigar again, blowing the air like that was supposed to make it dry... After some more desparate tries, it burnt with low flame. Still, it was enough.

I blew the smoke out of my lungs and looked at the sky. It was dark but clear enough for stars to shine at their fullest.

“My family, they are mobsters.”

I simply said, drawing another smoke. I figured it's better to avoid around the bush this time.

“Well that explains a lot.”

I chuckled “Interesting reaction.”

He held his legs between his arms “You have a lot of men. You must be big.”

“Oh we're not just big. We're _Hei Bao.”_ *

He made a face, thinking something for awhile.

“Wait, you mean _the_ Hei Bao?!? But isn’t that the biggest Chinese mafia?!?!”

“You label it.” Another smoke drawn. The flame of my cigar was slowly starting to weaken, and I didn’t find that very appealing. Mo's mouth stayed open without a sound coming out, he slowly got back to his positions, looking at the ground. Who knows what he was thinking now.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why? What would you do?”

“I...” he thought about his words for awhile, but I already knew what he'll say. “I don’t know.”

I chuckled again “Of course you don’t. And you wouldn’t. Me telling you would change nothing but freak you out.”

“No, this freaked me out. And it would change everything.”

I licked my lips. Maybe the cigarette was drying them too fast. “I know... I've been selfish. Way too much. I'd rather you break up with me for me being a douche than for who I am.”

He sighed “I wouldn’t break up with you, He Tian. I'd just...be mentally prepared, I guess.”

His words surprised me, so much I doubted they are pretty lies. “Can you even get mentally prepared for kidnapping?”

His nose twitched. Both our noses were getting red from the cold. Even though it was spring, the nights were still chilly. “No. I don’t think so.”

There was a long wall of silence after that. It wasn’t an awkward pause, more like a break we both needed. My cigarette burned up to the very core, and I smashed it into the ground. The idea of having to speak some heavy shit without it seemed dreading to me. If only I had one more...

“My mother died when I was born. I never met her. She was uh...” I sneered. My nose was starting to get a bit itchy “She was the pillar of our family, you know. Like it usually goes with mothers. My brother once told me she was very pretty and strong, but I guess I'll never know.”

A pause. Only so short to pick up my mind. He didn’t interrupt me and I was grateful.

I exhaled the fuzzy mist. The difference in temperature from inside my body to the outside. “My father didn’t take on her death easily. It was at the same time when our organization started becoming more powerful.” A chuckle “I keep saying _ours_ , but I'm not really with them. Or so I wanted it to be.”

Another pause. This was harder than I thought. “My father he uh... He somehow got this idea of me being the rightfull heir, even though I am the youngest. I guess it had something to do with being my mother's last child.”

It felt more like talking to myself at this point. Not because he wasn’t listening, but because so many memories followed my words that everything else started fading.

“Of course, my father's idea didn’t appeal to the other members who were older than me. Especially to my brother. He was hoping to inherit father's power. _‘If only he wasn’t born',_ they said. But father's decision was final. So, I spend the rest of my childhood training to be a boss of the strongest Chinese mafia.

Until I got fed up with it. So I ran away, many times. And every time they found me. After my 14th birthday, I made a deal with my uncle, my mother’s brother. He and father do not have a very good relationship... So, of course he wanted to help me just to annoy dad.

He gave me an apartment and enough money to manage the life in Hong Kong. I went to school, went incognito.”

I reflexively reached for a cigarette in my mouth, just to realize it wasn’t there. Disappointed, I started boggling grass to distract myself.

“When I met you, I knew it will be dangerous. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stay incognito forever. They have people everywhere, and I didn’t want to get you involved. I really didn’t.”

“So you thought if you broke up with me I'd be safe.” His jaw clenched.

“Obviously, I failed in so many ways.”

_So what now?_

At this point I asked myself – how did I _really_ hope this to end? There's a thin line between reasonable and desirable. On one hand I wanted him to hug me, to cry and tell me he'd stay, on the other I wanted him to run away and say he hates me and never to return again. On third, I wanted to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness. And I never _once_ in my life though of begging for something, because I thought it wasn’t worth it.

I guess everything was pointing in a peaceful departure.

“I'm sorry.”

Such needless words to say now. However, even in this situation, even if we got this far, it was still all I could offer. I doubt it will ever be different.

He took my hand into his, dragged his thumb across my knuckles like he did last time everything went wrong.

He took his time to speak, gave a little though to his words. “Listen...” his eyes drop lower “I would be lying if I said you have nothing to apologize for. ‘Cause you hella do.” A small smile from both of us “But you are wrong about one thing. I wouldn’t leave you. Not for something like that. Especially because you said you have nothing to do with this.”

I raised my sight in disbelief. Was he really saying that? I was on the edge of saying ‘ _no. Don't say that. You should leave. Now.’_

He titled his head to the side a bit “Well I can’t deny my role in this either. I was also very stubborn, and curious, and a little bit pushy. But in the end, there’s no point in pointing fingers because it's not your fault. Or mine. It... just happened. All we can do is... Move on.”

He wrapped both his hands around mine and squeezed gently “But I won’t let you get pulled into it.”

I grinned “Is that a condition?”

“Yes.”

He looked very serious, but in the end we both fell in a circle of awkward smiles and chuckles. After that, the only sound was the empty howling of wind.

“So what now?” I asked.

He shrugged “Nothing. We just... Move on.” His voice lowered and he looked me directly in the eyes “You won’t get into it, right?”

I didn’t avoid the eye contact “No. As long as I'm alive, he won’t get me to be his copy. I promise.”

He smiled. He was worried about me after all. I should've never kept secrets from him. My self-doubt was blinding me long enough. I'm grateful someone managed to take the net off.

After that we kissed, passionately, like there was a hundred years time lap partying us before this moment. He placed himself on my lap, his fingers wrapping around my hand, gently squeezing it.

We ended up in my apartment, dancing through the night with our bodies becoming one. Shifts from rough to gentle and from gentle to rough were rather refreshing for my body. Sore muscles became surprisingly flexible, like a bubblegum becomes softer only after you chew it.

I didn’t expect him to stay. I wouldn’t mind. It was just this night, an animalistic instict to purify all flaws for those few hours. Funny, how humans tend to wish to leave their humanity to ease themselves, even just for a moment. It was a goodbye.

 

 

 


	27. Chapter 27

I woke up in empty bed. White sheets wrapped around me like a lifeless form, cold. I rubbed my eyes and placed my head onto his pillow, trying to pick up traces of his smell. I was happy it was still there.

I tried to imagine my life without him. It wouldn’t be much different, or so I wished to believe. Practically, it would be the same as before I met him. That comforted me. I didn’t like surprises.

I got up, dressed up, went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. When I pulled dark shirt over my torso, I saw Mo putting pancakes in a plate right of the pan.

“Sorry, I didn’t have time to make juice too. There's some jam left, it should be enough for you.”

Caught in the wonder, I watched him speechless for some time, before I asked “What are you still doing here?”

He rose his sight a bit confused “What do you mean _still?_ You usually sleep ‘till late so I went to buy groceries and made some breakfast. Sleepyhead.”

“Why didn’t you leave?”

“Why would I leave?” he simply answered, like it was just so obvious. I pointed out everything that had happened in the last 24 hours. He stood in front of me, put his hand on my cheek and said “I’m not going anywhere.”

Then he sat to the table and called me to join him for breakfast. He finished way quicker than me and responsibly washed his plate. I swallowed slowly, with the sound of water from the sink in the background. I don’t know why, maybe because of water sound tapping in the sink, a single water drop appeared on my pancakes. I didn’t understand what was going on. Is it raining inside? Is the neighbor's sink broken?

“He Tian?”  

I realized when I saw a blurry shadow of Mo instead of him.

“Are you...?” He started coming closer. I touched my face and it was wet. I was crying.

 I got up, without a word, closed myself into the bathroom and locked the door. He followed me and kept calling my name, kept telling me to open the door.

I put my hands together and hid my nose between them. My face was all wet by far, but I couldn’t even see it. No point looking in the mirror. I couldn’t see anything, because everything was blurry.

A little tear soon turned into weeps and sobs. I never heard my breath so heavy and it worried me. Why was I crying? I couldn’t even tell. Maybe it was all those years of trying too hard not to, so now everything came down like a waterfall. All the feelings I kept putting under the carpet of my own mind, he shattered with simply – staying.

“He Tian, open the door! Are you okay?! I'll kick you along with the damn door! I'm serious, dumbass!!!”

 _Knock knock,_ before he finally gave up. I could almost see him sliding down that door, still holding the lock.

“Look... I don’t know what’s going on but... I told you and I will say it again - I'm not going anywhere. So if you want to talk... I'll listen.”

“I know. I'm grateful.”

Our backs were divided by a simple square of wood, but I could almost feel them touching.

“Just don’t do anything stupid again... Please...” he said from the other side.

“Then I won’t lie to you. I'll most likely have to leave.”

“Then I'm going with you.”

I shook my head “You can’t.”

“I will.”

“What about your mother?”

There was no answer for a few moments.

“You can't leave everything you have, Mo. Unlike me, you have a life. You have someone you have to take care of, and someone who cares about you. You can’t leave it all behind and you know it.”

No answer again, because deep down, he knew I was right. I was right all along, about everything.

“You... Also have someone who needs you.”

If we weren’t so close up, I'd be struggling to hear his quiet voice. My eyes widened a bit.

_‘Don't you start crying again.’_

“Don't leave. Please.”

_Stay._

He stayed and he didn’t have to. He didn’t have to. I owe him that much, I thought. I owe him to offer an equal trade for once.

⭐   ⭐   ⭐  

**_Guan Shan's POV_ **

When I came home, I thought the apartment was empty at first. There were no shoes in the hallway, our jackets stayed where I remembered they were before I went out.

As I went further inside, I heard sobbing. Mum was sitting on the couch with her face in her hands.

“I'm home.”

She rose her head. Her hair was unkempt, her eye bags filled half of her face which was pale like powder. Her eyes were red and sore from crying.

She jumped into my arms and said my name outloud, like she was waiting just for that chance.

“Oh Mo! I-I was so desperate! I almost called the police!!! I saw the news, they mentioned some names and gave your description... My heart stopped!!! They were talking about some mafia business I-I thought you were...” She continued crying and I hugged her tightly, caressing her back. She was shaking. I couldn’t even say sorry, it wouldn’t be enough.

“I am sorry, mum. Even though I can’t express it well enough, I truly am. I'm alright. See? Not a single injury.”

“Your-Your clothes are wet...” She sobbed.

“It didn’t dry fast enough over night.”

She stayed silent and looked down like an angry child. She swallowed her tears and whipped them with her hands.

“I will tell you everything. This time, the truth. I promise I won’t keep anything from you anymore.” I smiled and she smiled back.

“Sit down then. I'll make some tea and we'll have a conversation.”

“I'd love that.”

We both smiled again and soon the smell of camomile tea filled the apartment.

I went out of bath when she said she found some cookies forgotten in a cupboard to go along with tea. I felt like a five-year-old, being happy over cookies and all.

She was back to herself it seems, since she started nagging again, about how worried she was, how I didn’t even remember to call her, how she didn’t sleep at all... Then she started with questions about He Tian and his involvement in this.

“Mum, we said _conversation with tea_ , remember? It still hasn’t boiled, nor did we sit down.”

“Right, right. Sorry. I'm not used to being alone for so long so I'm happy to talk to you I guess.”  

I put cookies on the table while she was still murmuring something. We sat, the tea was still smoking from our cups.

“I'm sorry I made you worry so much.” I repeated, and jokingly added “Honestly, I'm surprised you didn’t hire FBI to look for me by far.”

She pouted “Well, I was on the edge to do so.” She took her cup and blew it a bit “And if it wasn’t for the comforting of Mr.Tian, I'd probably just go look for you myself.”

I almost dropped my cup “What did you say?”

She blew her tea again “Oh, I thought you knew! Mr.Tian visited me the other day. He was so polite, I was uncomfortable! But I'm grateful, I don’t know what I'd do without him.”

I gripped the cup between my palms so tight I thought it'd break “And what did he say?”

“He said he met you, that you’re a good boy. He mentioned he had some troubles with He Tian, but nothing unresolvable. In fact, he said it'll all come to an end soon.” She took a sip “He also mentioned something about giving his career down to his son. He is a true businessman.”

She looked so fascinated recalling their conversation while talking. He really left an impression on her. However, I was the only one in this room who knew it was a wrong one.

I was about to say something when the phone rang. She said she'll get it and I was left with my thoughts for a moment. Which was pretty bad.

_Why would he visit my house?_

_What did he want? What did he hope to achieve?_

_Are they going to kill me? Or mum?_

I shook my head. It was too scary to think of all the possibilities. One was for sure – if he did visit us, it was for a reason.

Mum came back with phone in her shaky hands. Her eyes were filled with tears.

“They took our house.” She simply said.

My eyes widened. What I feared of was becoming reality. “What do you mean?”

She talked between her sobs, still shaking “I-I don’t know... They-They just called and said... I d-don't understand... We payed the-the bill...”

I dropped my teacup and let it shatter. I took my jacket and shoes and left with a promise I'll come back again.

It was too much. This was too much.

When I came to He Tian's apartment, it was empty. Not a single thing, except for the bed, but even that was left with nothing but a naked mattress.

“Fucker...”

I ran out, already soking in sweat. I called his number, but it didn’t exist anymore.

I ran out of breath and bend over to catch a breath. I could only think of one logical place where he'd go, and that is if I'm lucky he wasn’t gone by now.

Guess I was lucky, because I didn’t even reach the train station when I caught an eye of his white jacket and dark hair. I could recognize him in a densest crowd.

I screamed his name, and I know he heard. He just choose to ignore it.

We went like that all the way to the station when I lost my temper at last.

“I KNOW YOU HEAR ME SHITTY BASTARD!”

He stopped, clutching his huge sport bag on his back. “Don’t follow me. You won’t change my mind.”

“THEY TOOK OUR HOUSE!”

He stopped. I was lucky the station was clear. These walls don’t mind my yelling voice, I suppose.

He turned around and looked at me in disbelief. Obviously, this surprised even him.

“HOW MUCH DO THEY NEED TO TAKE BEFORE YOU REALIZE YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM THIS?!”

His eyes stayed there, looking at nothing. He must’ve realized himself. He just hoped _I_ could run away from this, but unfortunately, he was wrong.

“I’m sorry, I... Didn’t mean for it to end like this...”

I sighed and came closer. I put my hand on his cheek and gently stroke it. We were both blaming ourselves too much, when in fact no one was really guilty.

“I don’t blame you.”

“But I blame myself.”

My shoulders dropped with silent exhale.

“You can't leave. Promise me you'll stay.”

He was quiet for awhile, looking down like that concrete underneath our feet was the most amusing thing on Earth.

Suddenly, he grabbed my hand. A warm, reassuring touch, with a face I never saw before.

“I'll...make you safe. I promise.”

⭐   ⭐   ⭐ 

**_He Tian's POV_ **

Tall and ominous, the building I know very well was standing in front of me once again. I hoped I won’t have to look at its mirror windows ever again. Yet, here it was, looking down at me like it used to.

I stepped inside, my feet tapping on a red carpet. Men in black stood in front of elevator, waiting. They were expecting me.

I listened to the clicking of buttons inside the elevator, anxiously waiting for its door to open.

I'd expect anxiety to flow over me like a waterfall when I came into that office, but it washed away long ago in that elevator.

“What do you want from me?” I asked the man in leather chair with his dark eyes, same as mine. That man was my father.

“I am a simple man. I want nothing but to leave a trace of my legacy in this world.”

“And if I meet your conditions, will you meet mine?”

His brows furrowed. He must've expected this, but somehow he foolishly choose to hope I'd be obedient for once.

“I guess you have as much right.” He crossed his fingers on his knees, that means he was willing to hear.

“I want a guaranteed freedom and protection for Guan Shan and his mother. Full time, without disturbance, and they are not to be included in the ‘ _business_ ’ by all costs.”

He slowly nodded his head “Consider it done. Anything else you wish?”

I looked down for a moment, thinking. I may not get this chance again. However, there was nothing else I wished for.

“No.” I shook my head. “That is all.”

He grinned “Good. Now.” His men  brought him some papers. He was getting impatient “Now, will you meet my conditions?”


	28. Chapter 28

**_Guan Shan's POV_ **

A man brushed my shoulder, for 4th time today. Trains can get pretty uncomfortable, because they are almost always cramped with people, and most of them are not polite enough to care about their surroundings.

I looked at my wrist watch. I was early... I panicked, as usual, and came much sooner than I thought I would. However, I like it better this way. Now I don’t have to hurry to get there on time.

I fixed my coat, hoping grumpy people from the train didn’t ruin it too much. It was fresh ironed.

The hotel was big. Way too big. Luxury straight outta magazine. Of course. His taste was always extra.

Sighing, I stepped inside, looking around lots of paintings on freshely painted walls while walking on red carpet. It was truly a five star hotel.

A young lady with comforting smile greeted me at reception.

“Room 236, please. I have an appointment.” I pushed a card across the table. She took it with her delicate hands.

“Business?”

“Ah, no” I shook my head lightly “My husband and I are celebrating our anniversary.”

She nodded, like it wasn’t something as unusual, for two men to celebrate anniversary.

While she took some notes, I took my time to look around. One specific painting caught my eye. I noticed it as soon as I came inside the hotel, and thought how beautiful it was. Dark, galaxy shadows in shapes of two human bodies hugging. One was orangy and light coloured, and the other was blue, black and darker. What I liked about it – they had no faces, no gender, no obvious characteristics. They were simply there, beings, existing in their outer space together.

“Mister?” A voice breaks my imaginary world and makes me turn around to look back at the lady. She looks like she's been calling me for some time now. “I apologize, I didn’t hear your name. Can you repeat, please?”

“Tian.” I simply said. She took a note and filled in some papers, then asked asked me to sign while she typed data into computer. She continues talking. A talkative type, obviously.

“Hmm, the name sound familiar, I can't recon where from though. May I ask, what does your husband do?”

I bit my cheek from the inside. Honestly I was never too talkative, and most of all I hated this question, because I do not know how to answer. Yet, every time, the answer is the same.

“He’s a businessman.”


	29. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the notes at the end, u may find this ch a bit confusing but continue reading and everything will become clear.

**_~EPILOGUE~_ **

Hey there. My name is Ying Yue. You probably don’t know me, but I am a very friendly girl. Let me introduce myself, and we can be friends, please?

But all friends have to know each other well. So lets start over. My full name is Ying Yue Tian. I am the youngest in my family, which sometimes annoys me. Everyone think of me as a child! Which I am, but still! I will be 6 very soon! That's old enough to get my panties on by myself! But my dad is very protective and doesn’t like letting me do stuff alone...

Do you have a family? How does it look like, is it big? Mine is, very, very big! And it's a little different than other families... I didn’t notice that of course. At least, not until recently.

“Ying Yue! What are you doing in front of a mirror?! You'll get hurt if it breaks- _YING YUE!_ You used crayons on the mirror again?!”

Soon I was in the air, crayon dropping from my grasp. Now I know what will happen next.

“What did we say about using crayons on walls and mirrors?!”

This is my first dad, Mo. He is very protective, caring and hard working, but has a tough temperament and nags a lot when he gets mad. And he gets mad often.

“It’s-It's bad...” I bow my head, try to look guilty to soften him a bit. Works every time. He sighs and pats my head.

“Don’t do that, okay? It is very hard to clean up every time.”

I smiled, happy to get away with it, as usual. My older sister came into the room soon after, gloomy look on her face because, as usual, she was given the task to clean up after me. And she, as usual, gave me a very angry look because she knew I did it.

But let's get back to the topic. How I realized my family is a little different than others.

It all started three days ago, dad, as usual, took me to kindergarten. I was, as usual, scribbling something in the corner when Mrs. Mian mentioned something about parents meeting. She told us to remember to tell our moms and dads to come to kindergarten this Thursday at 13:00 pm.

I kept repeating those words to myself in order not to forget, when a boy called Feng came to bother me, as usual.

“Hey Ying Yue, who will you send to the meeting, mum or dad?”

“I don’t know. I have two dads.” I simply said and fastly drew another branch with my green crayon. Feng's and Chi's mouth dropped open. I didn’t understand why all my friends get so confused when I say that.

“That's not possible!”

“Yes it is!” I shouted.

“No, it isn’t! Everyone has mum and dad!”

“My mum is my dad!” I dropped my crayon and stood up. He was making me angry. Few others came to continue the argue.

“No, it's a lie! I asked my mum yesterday! She said it is wrong! So you are wrong!”

“I’m not!”

“Then you're lying!”

“I’m not lying!!!”

“Then you're a mutant!”

I felt my cheeks getting hotter until I couldn’t take it any more. I grabbed one crayon and thew it into Feng's face. It hit him in the eye and he started crying. Mrs. Mian came, as usual, to see what was the problem.

“She threw a crayon in my face!” he sobbed into teacher’s apron.

“He offended me!!! He said I was lying!!!”

“But you are!”

“Calm down now, both of you.” Mrs. Mian patted Feng's head which made me angry for some reason.

That was officially the worst day of my kindergarten life. I think dad noticed too, when he came to pick me up. I'm usually very talkative and happy, but now I was silent, gloomy and upset.

“So... How was your day~?” he asked me while holding my hand on the way home. I didn’t answer.

“Was it that bad?”

No answer. I pouted. He didn’t say anything anymore. Dad Tian was the quiet type. He didn’t ask unless you choose to say it outloud. I considered if I should.

“Dad, can I ask you something and you promise you won't get mad?”

“Go ahead.” He nodded. I bit my cheek from the inside.

“Why don’t I have a mum?”

He looked at me. I think he wasn’t surprised by my question. “You have Mo, he's like your mum.”

“Yeah, but he's a boy. And all of my friend's mums are girls.”

He laughed and picked me up. “Does it bother you that much, that both dad Mo and I are boys?”

I shook my head. “No, it doesn’t bother me. But Feng said his mum told him it's wrong...”

“Mhm, and what did the teacher say?”

“Mrs. Mian punished me for throwing a crayon at him...”

This made him laugh very hard. I pouted again. “It's not funny! Why do I get punished every time?! He was wrong!”

“You get punished every week!” he wiped a tear from the corner of his eye.

“Last time it was for a drawing.” I crossed my arms.

“Honey, that's because you can’t draw stuff like that.”

“But the theme was ‘My family at work'!”

“Yes, but if you draw me with a gun, the teacher will get upset...”

“You said it's a water gun.”

“It is a water gun. For adults. Only special adults are allowed to use water guns. That's why you can’t draw it in school.”

I grabbed the colar of his shirt. I felt very proud. I like to think my dad is special, because he has a water gun. “Your guns are all boring, because they're black. Can I have a pink one when I get older?”

He smiled. “We’ll see. Until then, you’re only allowed to draw Mo in the kitchen.”

“In his restaurant?”

He nods. “Yes, in his restaurant.”

The next day he took me to kindergarten instead of dad Mo. I saw him talking to Mrs. Mian.

Feng didn’t bother me anymore. I think he was afraid of me. Every time he looked at me, I'd show him my tongue and he'd run away.

I could draw in piece now. I thought about what should I draw. Then I got an idea.

I remember, around a month ago, the story dad Tian told. Sometimes, when I couldn’t sleep, I'd secretly get up and put my ear on the door, listening to my dads talking late at night. I remember every word. He said:

 _‘I never remembered to tell you, before I met you I had troubles_ _sleeping. I had this same dream over and over. It was simple, yet scary. I'd see myself walking on the beach. The sand was plain grey, and the sea was dark as coal. Steady, empty. I'd spend hours walking aimlessly there and I'd never reach a different sight.’_

 _‘And now?’_ My other dad asked.

 _‘And now, the sand is white, the water clear and dynamic. And I'm not walking alone anymore.’_ Then he crushed his cigarette and then I had to get back to bed because they got up to check on me. I dreamed about dad's story.

I drew both of my sisters, my dads and me on the beach, the water blue, with big waves and the sand white. Dad Mo was holding a spoon, and since drawing cigarettes was forbidden too, I put a candy in dad Tian's mouth. I drew him in his black ‘ _uniform'_ for work, with an adult water gun, and _strictly_ wrote it's a water gun. I don't know how to write yet, so I added as much details as I could.

 I was very proud of how it turned out. This will surely go to the billboard in hallway!

I don’t know what dad Tian said to the teacher, but she didn’t brother me anymore. In fact, she became very polite and I was never punished again. She even put my drawing on the billboard!

I love my family. We are a little different, but it is not important for me. In fact, I think that's exactly what's making us special. And what about yours?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must emphasize that this chapter is written so the reader could understand, so yes I get that u may be surprised by how fluently a 6 year old girl thinks, but bare in mind that I had to make it so it's easy to read. This is a fiction after all. Also, I thank u all so much for staying with me all this time, hope u enjoyed my story and if u did pls leave a kudos ^^ 
> 
> **IMPORTANT! Some of the characters are originally my OC's and some original are a changed in order to make the story more interesting. I apologize if I offended anyone by making their fav character bad and vise versa, bare in mind that I started this prolly when Old Xian started 19 days.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own 19 days or any of its characters.

**Author's Note:**

> So that was it for first chapter! Sorry if it was short :/ Don't worry I got a story comin' ... so please keep reading! Oh and also it's important for me to hear your opinion, so if you like it, please leave kudos, comment and maybe even follow(?) Please and thank you for reading! If you like my work I may relase more of my work in the future :) Btw I'm also putting this on Wattpad, so follow me there: Azako-chan, https://www.wattpad.com/user/Azako-chan
> 
>  
> 
> Of course I DO NOT own 19 days (pff, I wish) that's all OldXian's present to us :)


End file.
